Do any of you get this way when going to visit friends

[renaissancewoman101]

In less than a week, I am going to visit my friend in Chicago that I haven't seen in over 6 months. I am looking forward to the trip but part of me is reluctant about going away and for a weird reason. I dont want to feel "trapped" when I go visit her. I do have some things that I want to do when I am out there, that doesnt include her. She is one of those people who gets REAL clingy and emotional with her friends and kind of gloms on to them 24/7. I have never really spent a span of three or four days with her. I use to go over to visit her, occasionally spend the night and then go home the next day to "decompress".

 

Dont take me wrong, she is a really sweet lady but I can only take so much. When I told her the days that I was going to be out there, she was literally in tears that I was coming out to visit her and she was very excited. I fly in Friday evening and she wants me to come to Ren Faire with her both Sat and Sunday (she is one of those die hard Ren Faire people that show up to party before Faire opens and stays till closing). It is going to be hot and humid out there and I will be in costume. I am not sure if I can deal with being there both days.

 

I DONT want to go to Faire both days because I know the heat and humidity will wilt me badly. I also DONT want to run into the ex. She is also particular about things and takes things to heart/gets offended easily. I am not sure how she is going to take it if I tell her that I want to drive myself to Faire and leave when I want to (I am renting a car while I am out there). I am also thinking of bringing my laptop so I can go online, but I dont know how she will take that. I just like space to do my own things too. Normally when I visit her, she likes me to take her shopping, watch her cook, watch her crochet, etc.

 

She knows that on Monday I am going up to Milwaukee to visit some friends, and she seems disappointed that I am not going to be with her the whole day (although she has a doctor's appt). When I talked to her last, she asked me if I was going to come back for dinner on Monday since she wanted to spend my last night staying up with me talking.

 

I am thinking of spending Monday night in a motel up in Milwaukee so I dont have to feel obligated to come back to her place at a decent hour. I have plans to meet up with three different sets of friends on Monday. I am going out to lunch with a good school friend, going out to dinner with this couple I know, and then going out for drinks with the lady who drove out to LA with me in Jan. All in all, it is going to be a LONG Monday.

 

Do you think it is bad that I feel this way and that I want to spend Monday night in a hotel/motel by myself? It would be better for me to stay with her on Monday because I am flying out of Chicago at noon on Tuesday, but I need my space to unwind, esp after hanging out with my other friends. Plus, I know my emotions are going to be all over the place with this visit.

 

I dont normally go visit people a lot becuase I hate being obligated to people to do things their way. I like my space and I get claustophobic at times and it makes me cranky and makes me lash out at people. I guess that is the reason why I like to live alone. The last few times I went and visited people and spent a span of a few days to a week with them, I inevitably got really weird about things and once even got into an argument with a friend.

 

Do any of you guys ever feel like that, or do you guys just suck it in when you go visit friends or relatives? Right now, I am up by my dad's for the weekend. Unlike my mom, my dad leaves me alone to do what I want and he checks up on me to see if I am going to eat at home or stuff like that. My dad likes his space and he knows I like mines.

 

Another thing is T. He is hassling me with his stupid, constant phone calls, and emails. Apparently, one of our mutual friends told him that I am going on vacation next week out in Chicago, because the one voicemail I DID listen to, he was bugging me about why I was going away. I WISH he would fade away and let me go. Doesnt he know that I dont want anything to do with him, esp when I AM AVOIDING HIM!!!!!!!!

 

I am afriad of running into the ex next weekend and I dont want to be trapped with people 24/7 for the ENTIRE weekend. I am hoping that my friend is not going to have other people staying with her the weekend I am there.

 

That was one thing my ex and I had clashes about. During Ren Faire season he always liked to crash at one of his friend's places on Sat nights so he could get a ride with them to Faire on Sunday. He used to want me to stay with him at his friend's. I hated that and did it occasionally. I hated it because his friend had cats and didnt clean out the cat box and had a messy apartment with bags of trash that he only OCCASIONALLY took out. DOnt take me wrong, I am NOT a neat freak. Heck, my apartment is messy and dusty, but I keep the guinea pig cage cleaned out pretty regularly and I take out the trash EVERY few days.

 

Sorry for my rant.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

On the flip side, I get really clingy when my brother comes to visit me. I find it helps a lot to just come up with a plan in advance. I say, " Look, just tell me when you're going to see (whoever), and I just won't plan to see you that day." That works out much better.

[DaDancingPsych]

I LOVE people, but need a ton of my own space. I can understand where you're coming from.

 

I find that if a visit is planned out ahead of time, it's easier to "get away" from someone. If I explain that I can spend Saturday with them, but there's another friend I need to see on Sunday, they may still be disappointed, but at least once I'm there they know the plan. I also avoid staying with friends (when possible), because that allows me more freedom to do things my way.

 

I would suggest being honest with your friend. Let her know what days/times you're going to be available to spend time with her and when you'll have to be with other friends. It's smart that you're also planning some "you time", that way you don't run into mood issues. I'm sure she'll be disappointed, but promise to make the best out of the time you do have available (and do try to tolerate her wishes to an extent.) Good luck!

[Batya33]

I think it's up to you - if the good of being with her outweighs the bad - to very nicely, but not apologetically - and assertively (see my reference to "nice" also) tell her exactly what you plan to do with her and without her. Without too much explanation either. Not "I need my space" that is just psychobabble. Start with the positive "I cannot wait to spend time with you! here is my plan . .. " and then tell her. that's it.

 

for example my boyfriend and I spend all weekend together but we have a real "flow" of time spent together and not so together. We will take walks but not talk that much, he may go on line while I read, we may watch tv together but not talk or I may go on line while I have my coffee, a habit of mine - instead of talking with him. We spend a lot of time together and talk a great deal of course, do things together but we both have a natural sense of the "dance of intimacy" - sounds like your friend does not so you have to decide whether the positives of being with her outweigh the negatives.