Jealousy of the things she might be doing

[Torchbearer]

Our sex life was wonderful and I've yet to hook up or sleep with anyone since then but I'm not that sure about her. Something is telling me that she's found someone and that she's having a sexual relationship. I have nothing to base this on other than gut feelings. I am SO jealous and get so enraged when I think of her being with someone else on a physical level.

 

I get so irrational I can't see straight. How do you deal with things like this?

[jue]

torchbearer, i know them feelings.my partner left me for someone else..and i just have to try and fight them thoughts.they will drive you,me insane..i know i m no help,just wanted you to know that i can totally understand those feelings

[NJRon]

Your feelings are totally natural. I always get the advice to go have sex with someone, yet they can't seem to understand that I don't want to, I just want *her* to not want to also.

 

Doesn't work that way. Just need to give it time.

[amb1873]

I'm sure you've heard before that our thoughts control our emotions.... The fact of the matter is the only thing you have 100% control over are your thoughts- you do not have ANY control over whether your ex is sleeping with someone else or not. You can, however, work as hard as you can to not think about these things. Whenever thoughts about my ex start swimming around my head uncontrollably I will try to completely immerse myself in something else that requires all of my attention. Watch a funny movie and really force yourself to get into it and not think about anything else... read a book, throw yourself into your work. "Be here now" is a good philosophy- meaning wherever you are and whatever you are currently doing- be 100% in THAT moment and try not to let your thoughts drift off to other things. In time, you will begin to think about her less. And then, yes, YOU one day will be in your own exciting new relationship (with a physical side of course) and I promise that you won't CARE what she is doing or whom she is doing it with!

[NJRon]

"Be here now" is a good philosophy- meaning wherever you are and whatever you are currently doing- be 100% in THAT moment and try not to let your thoughts drift off to other things.

 

That's very Zen. When I went through a rather rough breakup, I spent a lot of my time studying bzen. It helped immensely. Both the studying itself took my mind off my problems as well as what I learned.

[NCTuskie]

Don't do what I did. I went out and slept with somebody else. It worked for that moment, but still left with the emptyness my ex filled. It was only a physical release, and I found it hard to be intimate (no kissing, cuddling, etc). I don't recommend it.

 

If there is a silver lining, I don't feel the urge to go out and find another woman for that purpose. A friend of mine is planning a trip to the Dominican Republic for the sole reason of getting with as many women as he can. 6 months ago, I was onboard (then off when I met my current ex), then after the break up I was onboard again. Now I'm getting back off. I'm not in that mindframe anymore, and I don't want to shell out probably $1,000 to play his wingman fo a week.

 

Sorry to get off topic, but hope this helps.

[Silentlyfor]

NCTuskie, read my initial post on Enotalone.com. Jealousy is what started my grief(which is not entirely unheard of, btw). Our problems are not so different.

 

Relying on another person to help you get over it physically or emotionally will not work. But don't do what I did, and tell her she was a * * * *. NOT a good idea. Not so much because I hurt her, but because the guilt WILL overwhelm you.

 

On top of that, Jealousy is just another form of anger. What you need to do is release it the same way you would anger.... well... after the sheer rage subsides.

[Hope75]

TB,

 

I just wanted to concur with that amb1873 said. Your feelings are pretty normal and to be expected when you go through a breakup. The best way around it is to force yourself to think of something else when those thoughts arise. Get into something that takes away your concentration, like call a friend, go for a run/hit the gym, read a good book, throw on a video... anything to not allow you to think like that.

 

Wear a rubber band on you wrist and when you find yourself thinking of her... snap it and move onto something else. It's a tangible way of saying, "Hey! Knock it off!"

[amazing_wierdo]

I don't know how much you tend to "go with your gut" but I almost always follow mine. My intuition tells me my ex is sleeping with her new interest, and will be sleeping with others as well (yuck!). We are broke up though so as long as it does not directly affect me or our son, it really is none of my business. The truth is she most definitely has attention issues and I obviously did not matter that much to her. There is no way I can change her. I'm much better finding someone that is the way I love them to begin with (my heart is still fighting my mind on this).

 

I struggled with the jealousy thing at the beginning too. A close friend of mine (and my father as well) told me jealousy was all about pride. It was my own arrogance that caused it. I don't know if that helps you or not. This really helped me. Besides, her doing all this crazy behavior now that she is not with me, is way better than her doing it while we were together!

 

About anger management, I could use some suggestions there too. Being angry for long periods makes me feel physically sick. Everyone says to exercise but that only seems to help so much. Slow, deep breaths seem to help a little too. If you get so enraged you can't see straight you should definitely stay away from her and her new boyfriend (and their property as well!). Another thing that helps me when my emotions are going crazy is prayer.

[Torchbearer]

NCT, I can relate. I've had a couple of opportunities to hook up but opted against it. That's one of the reasons I think she may have started having sex again especially if she's met someone which is what I think has happened given that she didn't return my phone call when I left a msg asking her to go for a drink.

 

AW, I have a problem with pride and I really don't know where it came from because I used to wasn't like this. Obviously I want to meet someone when the time is right but when it comes to sex I doubt I will be able to match what we had. My ex is super hot, foreign, exotic and was an animal between the sheets.

 

That's probably why I'm so jealous because I don't want anyone else to have that kind of pleasure with her.

 

Yesterday marked the 1 year date that I first approached her and got her digits. I would like to go back a year and do it all over because I'd trade this pain and misery for the good times and feelings we shared.