College and Us

[elizmdavis]

I am a senior in college and I will be graudating in May 2007. My boyfriend (possible fiancee/later husband, we'll see!) is graduating December 2007. I love him very much and I want nothing more than to see him achieve his dreams and be happy. I have paid my way through school out of my own pockets and in part out of smalll scholarships and grants. It has been rough but well worth it

 

Anyway, he has a full ride through school from his fathers employer but after this full time summer semester that it paid for, he only has $800 left for the fall and tuition costs well over $2200! I was awarded plenty of money to aid me in my final two semesters. Being the giver that I am I offered my boyfriend the $1400 he would need for fall. He was so happy, he began to make payback promises right then and there! Later that day I wished that I had kept my foot in my mouth because all these thoughts of "My boyfriend owes me money" felt so negative.

 

Today, he said "when you lend me that money..." in a conversation I sort of shut down and he said "whats wrong?" I said I wasn't "sure that I should because I need that money too, it is money that I have saved for my own insurance and security in hard times". And then I said "How would you feel if you had to owe me money? If whenever you went out and decided to blow $100 on a night with the boys, I would feel like you owe me that because I needed it!" So I basically told him it wasn't worth it and that I would help him search for scholarships and grants the way I did.

 

What do you all think? Did I do the right thing?

 

Thank you!

[robowarrior]

God i would just give him the 1400$ rather then being sick in my mind all day (he owns me money he owns me money) , that's poison to your relationship because its a feeding ground for arguments that can lead to a break up. So just say to him, you don't have to pay it back. Problem solved. If you really are that keen on the money you shouldn't have lend it to him in the first place. You gave it out of love right? Well love has to be 'unconditionally' , you have layered your love for him to give as long as he repays the money to you. Just don't care about that money anymore and get over it.

[dontwantthis]

I lent my ex $1300 for first and last, $200 for money he just needed for everyday things, $1025 for part of 2 months rent and have bought his gorceries for the last 3 months he has lived there. Wanna know how much I got back so far? $100. Last week, he asked me to cash his cheque from work for him (he doesnt have a bank account) so I did and I kept the $450 in my own account. Thats the only way im gonna get any money.

To be on the safe side, i would draw up some sort of contract with him. It might offend him like it did mine, but its really a smart thing to do. Dont wanna get taken for all that money. I still have the same feelings when my ex goes out with the boys, but then has no money to give me back.

Have you considered lending him half of the money instead of it? or just a small portion of it to get him going? Im sure he is capable of finding some sort of part time job or ways of getting money so that he can pay you back anything you have lent him. He needs to put himself in your shoes. Has he talked to his parents? or a relative? He cannot get a loan from a bank or financial institution? You have made a good decision in deciding to decline your offer to give him money. You never know when you are going to need that money. I wish I never lent my ex any money. Its a crappy feeling when you know your bf has money to give and wont give it to you becasue he has better things to do with it. It may be quite awhile before he gives you any type of payment as well. If he is in school, any type of money he would be making at a part time job would be going to support himself (necessities to live) and you (going out on dates, dinners, movies, etc.), not necessarily to paying you back.

Please stick with your gut feeling on this one. You'll be happy in the end.

[RayKay]

God i would just give him the 1400$ rather then being sick in my mind all day (he owns me money he owns me money) , that's poison to your relationship because its a feeding ground for arguments that can lead to a break up. So just say to him, you don't have to pay it back. Problem solved. If you really are that keen on the money you shouldn't have lend it to him in the first place. You gave it out of love right? Well love has to be 'unconditionally' , you have layered your love for him to give as long as he repays the money to you. Just don't care about that money anymore and get over it.

 

She didn't lend it to him yet. It's very easy to say just "let it go" but she is a student herself and does require money to make her own way through school.

 

Personally, I think that unless you are married or living together and have some sort of established financial relationship together, you should not lend him that amount of money. It is a lot, and you have worked very hard for it, and need it yourself for school.

 

I think helping him empower himself financially is better for him AND the relationship. Help him look into scholarships or part time work if necessary.

[elizmdavis]

God i would just give him the 1400$ rather then being sick in my mind all day (he owns me money he owns me money) , that's poison to your relationship because its a feeding ground for arguments that can lead to a break up. So just say to him, you don't have to pay it back. Problem solved. If you really are that keen on the money you shouldn't have lend it to him in the first place. You gave it out of love right? Well love has to be 'unconditionally' , you have layered your love for him to give as long as he repays the money to you. Just don't care about that money anymore and get over it.

I don't agree Robowarrior, only because he is my boyfriend. Yes I love him, yes I want to be his wife someday, but we are just college students right now trying to make it through. If he were my husband it would be different and there would be no limitations on any of it My love that I have for him is urging me to help him find the money himself, it would only help him. Sometimes love makes a person take the harder route, but it is out of love and that is enough. Thanks again!

[Cadence308]

I think by telling him that you would lend him the money you put your foot in your mouth. You were being generous without thinking it through. That is commendable, but now that you are thinking things through you are thinking of changing your mind. This situation could be damaging to your relationship since you already said that you would and changed your mind.

 

I would tell him about how that money is your "back up" money and that you feel that you spoke too soon about lending him all of the $1400 and that you feel that you should keep some money in the bank for emergencies. Then I would maybe try to negotiate with your boyfriend by offering some of the money and then offering to help him find scholarships and grants for the other part of it.

 

Another thing, if your boyfriend has $100 to spend out with the boys frequently why is he struggling with money so much? It sounds like he also needs help with re-evaluating his budget and priorities?