I'm incapable of love

[Imperceptible]

Everyone talks about being in love and how great it is.

What is love? How does it feel? If you've been in love don't tell me how someone treats you and what they do for you and what you do for them. I've seen enough of my friends marriages and relationships, movies, posts, and PDA and heard enough songs about the ups and downs of love to conclude what love looks like and sounds like. But that isn't enough for me.

Please don't compare love to something as superficial as having a good day and multiplying that feeling by a million because love can't be that simple.

 

I know the love for family is not the same kind of love one has for a SO. I don't think I am capable of loving a SO in that way. I want to be in love. I compare wanting love to wanting $10 million. I know I want $10 million even though I have never seen it or had it. I know it can solve problems and cause problems but I want it anyway.

 

I've never been in a serious relationship. I've tried to be but things never work out and I'm bothered by the failure but I get over it within a few hours. My friends care more about my failed attempts at meaningful relationships than I do. Maybe I'm better off not knowing what love is because I won't know what I'm missing.

 

I'm worried that I won't be able to give it or receive love later in life because I've been without love so long that it'll be hard to feel and fall in love at all. I think I'm losing the capacity to love now. I'm not as emotional as I once was and every failed relationship leaves me numb where most people would be devastated. I don't have real connections or feelings for any potential mates. I've been out with guys who are my type and guys who aren't my type and there's no connection with any of them. The way I see it dating is meaningless. Connections are false. Love is an illusion.

 

Has anyone else felt this way?

[nottoogreen]

Hi Imperceptible,

 

I really was in love only once with my first love.

 

I looked at some of your thread titles. You seem to be very guarded. Why you think that is?

[blueangel]

Love is something you feel for whatever makes you happy. If you find someone you enjoy, then you create a bond with them when they enjoy you also. You can enjoy different levels of people and thereforeeee you can experience different levels of love.

 

Usually a person that you want to unite with causes you these feelings:

Security with yourself

Love for yourself

Happiness in yourself

Appreciation for the little things

 

If you already have those, you don't "need" love, but it can always amplify those things... and so maybe that's why love is.

[blueangel]

Now, when love expands into sharing your life with someone- things become very different for you are both creating your own world. Mainly because of that happening when you share a life together, you begin to see ALL of life all little differently each day with new things you discover. Love lived gives you warmth, romance, passion and lust and so expands everything you already feel. True love is in how open you are to that experience... when you realize, that's all that matters. That's all that lasts.

 

As each new person "explores" you, you explore yourself. Exploring yourself is what life is all about so it makes love all the more seeming of something grand. It can easily turn to pain when you look to a lover to be all the love you have in life. That is the biggest mistake you can make- when you expect things rather than explore or when you control rather than take chances.

[Imperceptible]

Hi Imperceptible,

 

I really was in love only once with my first love.

 

I looked at some of your thread titles. You seem to be very guarded. Why you think that is?

 

The moment I let my guard down things go wrong. I'm a failure and I try hard not to be one. Guys lose interest, have a girlfriend, are not interested, see me as a friend, or flawed meaning they are abusive or players. I try hard to find good guys but I don't see them. I tried the don't look for love cliche and that's when the cunning and persuasive guys from all walks of life and who aren't good for me come along. I try to make things work and I don't look for bad things to happen but when I face the facts that the relationship is no good I admit I'm not surprised things didn't work out. Throughout everything my feelings became more and more numb until I nearly lost all feeling. I've become confident and I learned to love myself over the last 3 years. All of my friends and family have noticed the changes in me and that's not enough to attract the right kind of guys and get rid of the wrong kind of guys.

[lanty3]

hi imperceptible, we`re pretty much in the same boat. you replied to one my earlier posts.

i fell in love just once in my life. ofcourse i never had the courage to ask the young lady out.

to really answer your question does it feel?, well i remember the feeling very well. at first she became all i thought about. i wanted to just be with her. i knew something was very different when i noticed any sexual feelings seemed to be put aside. i wanted to talk with her ,get to know all about her. i remember thinking ;wow,this is what all those love songs are about! this only lasted about six weeks but i think it was the most intense and deepest feeling i had ever felt. never before had i seriously thought of leaving my parents and my home. i was 26 at the time. i really wanted to be independent,a real grown up. i wanted to be a better person...all for her.alot of fear and self centeredness seemed to be melting away. but not enough.

as i always did before and continued for many years after i found reasons not to take a risk, i let fear

and my insecurity win. i know that if i had made my feelings known to her it would have been worth it no matter what happened. even if my heart was broken into a million pieces. i would have been a better man just for putting my heart and soul on the line,i was that sure of my feelings.

well all that was 19 years ago. i hope it wasn`t a once in a lifetime thing. if it happens again i`ll throw caution to the wind. it`s worth the risk of any pain or embarrasment. i won`t jump up and down on oprah winfreys` couch though.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

When you are in love it's about as obvious as being run over by a locomotive, and can be just as painful.

 

Think about something else, this isn't worth worrying about.

[Imperceptible]

Hi lanty3 I remember your post. I had trouble finding the words to describe how I felt about love. When you posted you put words to my feelings. I had some hope when I replied to your post but recently my hope of experiencing love has been ground to dust. I've lost my hope. In other posts about what is love the posters describe love using a lot of cliches, abstract ideas, wild metaphors and analogies, and pointing out on how much better the sex is. I don't identify with any of it and I'm left wondering what are they talking about????? But you described it in a way that makes it more tangible. Now you have me thinking. Love gets rid of fear? What kind of fear? Is it fear of approval, loneliness, acceptance, everything?

Sexual feelings are pushed aside for love? How is that possible? I've known many who made it seem as if love couldn't remain strong without the sexual feelings to strengthen the bond.

Did you know when you begin to feel love or did you wake up one morning and was hit with the realization that you loved her?

[Imperceptible]

When you are in love it's about as obvious as being run over by a locomotive, and can be just as painful.

 

Think about something else, this isn't worth worrying about.

 

Have you been in love?

 

I'm not identifying with the metaphor. Locomotive accidents of this magnitude results in death. I was under the assumption love makes you want to celebrate and live life.

[Imperceptible]

 

Think about something else, this isn't worth worrying about.

 

 

If you've been in love recently or is in love now then it would be hard for you to fathom the idea of what life was like before love. If it's been several years since you've been in love or you have never been in love or you don't understand how people place such high value on love or you don't know what love is and you want to know what all of the hoopla is about then I doubt you would tell me to "think about something else, this isn't worth worrying about. "

[lanty3]

hi imperceptible, what i meant about love and fear is that love can can give you the strength to move ahead despite the fear . although in my case I ,myself wasn`t strong enough. the type of fear is i think just a general,anxious,worriesome fear of who you are and where you`re going in life. as you alluded to in your post ,love of an SO is different than other loves. so often ,especially when growing up,we see everyone with thier SO. we`re on the outside looking in. when you`re in love you`re inside and yet it`s just the two of you.

as for the sexual feelings what i mean is i would wait. sex would be the ultimate expression of love but not pushed aside. in the beginning the physical desire or lust would wait for the right time while all these new emotions and possibilities are explored. it seems old fashioned and the reverse of many modern relationships. that`s how i felt.

i remember the day i fell in love. friday april 24 , 1987. i went to the office whwer she worked. i spoke to her once before about 10 days back. i didn`t se her. i spoke to another girl,when she asked my name avoice from the back of the room shouted my name. it was her. when i got home something clicked. i thought ;that girl liked me. it took a couple of days to realize exactly what i was feeling.

as for antilove superstar....your name sums up your feelings on this issue. you`re only 18, you have many things to experience. i hope you don`t miss out on so many things i have.

[Imperceptible]

Everything you mentioned about the fear and the physical desire clicks. I understand. Regrettably I can't empathize but it all clicks. The only thing I can empathize with is being on the outside looking in.

People make the mistake of having sex early. I was guilty of it and it was a horrible mistake that helped lead me to my emotional withdrawal. You may think your ideas about sexual expression is old fashioned but I've adopted your stance. If I can somehow re-develop the feelings that would allow me to love ,then the next time sex would have to wait if I'm lucky enough to be given a good opportunity with someone who is worth it.

 

Thanks lanty3. I have a better idea of what love is and I'm really disheartened that I don't have it. The idea of being without it and never getting the opportunity to experience it torments and scares me. Now it feels as if the only choice I have is to make sure my emotions don't come back so I can avoid the anguish of living without love.

[talo]

The moment I let my guard down things go wrong.

 

What are you guarding, controlling?

 

I'm a failure and I try hard not to be one.

 

A failure at control? Hard not to be controlling?

 

Guys lose interest, have a girlfriend, are not interested, see me as a friend, or flawed meaning they are abusive or players.

 

No one is really interested in control. Controling may be seen as abusing or playing. The flaw is the wish for control.

 

I try hard to find good guys but I don't see them.

 

Control sees only control.

 

I tried the don't look for love cliche and that's when the cunning and persuasive guys from all walks of life and who aren't good for me come along.

 

Not looking for love is the same as looking for love. In other words trying to control love.

 

I try to make things work and I don't look for bad things to happen but when I face the facts that the relationship is no good I admit I'm not surprised things didn't work out.

 

Trying and not looking for certain things are the same as not trying and looking for certain things. And yes, facing facts may be seen as not being surprised that things are not working out. Control never works out. Control is the very act of preventing things working out.

 

Throughout everything my feelings became more and more numb until I nearly lost all feeling.

 

Yes, control has this effect. Control being the control or repression of feeling.

 

I've become confident and I learned to love myself over the last 3 years. All of my friends and family have noticed the changes in me and that's not enough to attract the right kind of guys and get rid of the wrong kind of guys.

 

Loving/respecting oneself is loving/respecting feeling, moment to moment. Loving/respecting is always enough. Love/respect attracts love/respect.

[fishrrshortae]

I've never been in love with anyone before.. nor do I think I ever really knew how to love anyone. Then my son was born, and I love him to bits. Seriously, no one I date will ever be loved by me as much as he is.

[Imperceptible]

What are you guarding, controlling?

 

I'm not controlling anyone. In half of my experiences I was the one guys wanted to control. And they were quite angry and through with me when they found they couldn't treat me any way they wanted to. What I meant is that I make myself vulnerable to the other person by removing that stone wall from around my heart and feelings and opening myself up to whatever they have to offer me good or bad.

 

A failure at control? Hard not to be controlling?

HUH?!?! I'm meant I'm a failure at investing my time in the right kind of guy who's not out to use and abuse me. In the beginning some guys I meet seem to open up and show me these great things about themselves. I'm apprehensive but I open myself up to the possibilities and invest my time in a friendship and a possible relationship and later I realize everything they showed me to try to get me was false because they were being someone they think I liked. The real character came out later. Sometimes I'm a failure when it comes to seeing the red flags in front of my face and sometimes I invest my ttime in possibilities even when it's doomed from the start.

 

No one is really interested in control. Controling may be seen as abusing or playing. The flaw is the wish for control.

 

I'm controlling because I'm only willing to accept relationships that are healthy? I should relinquish my "control" flaw and get trapped in a string of unhealthy relationships when one comes my way?

 

Control sees only control.

Not looking for love is the same as looking for love. In other words trying to control love.

I would like you to check out the number of posts people have typed about if you stop looking for love then love will come to you. I took the advice of many other enotaloners and it didn't work for me. Other enotaloners must be real control freaks for suggesting such an idea to me. #-o

I was later told not to stop looking but rather be open to the possibilities. I should've replaced "don't look for love and it will come" with "being open to the possibilities of love"

 

Trying and not looking for certain things are the same as not trying and looking for certain things. And yes, facing facts may be seen as not being surprised that things are not working out. Control never works out. Control is the very act of preventing things working out.

 

If I try to make things work by communicating more, and learning about a guy before I decide if I want anything more with him, and trying to take things slow this is bad? I should go with the flow even if it means not communcating much and not learning about and getting to know someone first and not bringing the situation under control if the guy wants me to jump into bed with him on the first date?

 

Yes, control has this effect. Control being the control or repression of feeling.

 

Loving/respecting oneself is loving/respecting feeling, moment to moment. Loving/respecting is always enough. Love/respect attracts love/respect.

 

I have to get started on jumping into just about anything without putting any thought into whether or not something feels right. I better brace for the oncoming pain.

 

I do love and respect myself which is why I refuse to stay in any situation where I'm being mistreated and used like I'm trash. Good and bad things come at me. But I love myself enough to know when I need to deflect the bad parts and be aware of the good parts. I've done that with friends and family but my hardest challenge concerns the idea of defining love and relationships and figuring how to get better at finding them and coping without them.

[talo]

Thank you for your response Imperceptible.

 

I'm controlling because I'm only wlling to accept relationships that are healthy? I should relinquish my "control" flaw and get trapped in a string of unhealthy relationships when one comes my way?

 

No, that would be silly wouldn't it... The question as seen here is what is really healthy. And being healthy is respecting/loving your feeling. Feeling is not emotion.

 

If I try to make things work by communicating more, and learning about a guy before I decide if I want anything more with him, and trying to take things slow this is bad? So I should just close up lines of communication, don't try to take the time to learn anything about the guys, and go with the flow even if it means jumping into bed on the first date?

 

No, I am not trying to be silly. You listen to your feeling, moment to moment. Again, feeling is not emotion.

 

I do love and respect myself which is why I refuse to stay in any situation where I'm being mistreated and used like I'm trash. Good and bad things come at me. But I love myself enough to know when I need to deflect the bad parts and be aware of the good parts. I've done that with friends and family but my hardest challenge concerns the idea of love and relationships. And I'm on enotalone to find out how to get that right too.

 

You say you have done this, ie "deflect the bad parts and be aware of the good parts" with friends and family. Aren't you doing this with others as well? What do you mean by "deflect"? In what manner are you deflecting? Is the deflecting different for friends, family and others, or the same? Is the deflecting done in a feeling, loving, respectful manner or in an emotional manner?

 

The _idea_ of love and relationships is to note _the way_ we are in love and relationship. Looking for love is looking for the idea, the ideal, love. This is not being in loving relationship.

[Imperceptible]

Thank you for your response Imperceptible.

 

 

 

No, that would be silly wouldn't it... The question as seen here is what is really healthy. And being healthy is respecting/loving your feeling. Feeling is not emotion.

 

I've been equating feeling with emotions. You're right. I can usually feel when something just isn't right early but I usually ignore the feeling because I get desperate to make things work out which is unhealthy if something just wasn't meant to be. I guess I'm not respecting my feelings when I'm ignoring them. I believed all relationships need time to develop even if there isn't a spark in the beginning because the spark could come later.

 

No, I am not trying to be silly. You listen to your feeling, moment to moment. Again, feeling is not emotion.

 

You say you have done this, ie "deflect the bad parts and be aware of the good parts" with friends and family. Aren't you doing this with others as well? What do you mean by "deflect"? In what manner are you deflecting? Is the deflecting different for friends, family and others, or the same? Is the deflecting done in a feeling, loving, respectful manner or in an emotional manner?

 

I had some family and friends say mean things to me, make fun of me, and tell me how I would never be able to get ahead in certain areas of my life and they never said these things in a manner that was constructive or motivating. They verged on being verbally abusive and that crushed my self-esteem. I realized that these relationships were bad for me because no relationship should make me feel worthless. I told my family how I didn't think it was right for them to make me feel this way and I chose to spend less time around them. I was the one keeping these unhealthy friendships alive because I was the only one putting the most effort into maintaining contact witht these toxic friends. I chose to not call them and hang out with them and I found that when I broke communication they never contacted me to find out what was going on. Other friends and family have been very supportive or me and I only needed to put half of the my energy into maintaining the relationships because they put in the other 50%. In the toxic relationships with friends I put 95% of my energy into. These friendships weren't 50/50.

 

The _idea_ of love and relationships is to note _the way_ we are in love and relationship. Looking for love is looking for the idea, the ideal, love. This is not being in loving relationship.

 

The idea is great. I like the idea. But I don't know how to go about getting rid of the idea and experiencing the love that can be found in a loving relationship. I don't understand what a loving relationship is. I know how it feels to love family and love friends but that love is diiferent from the love between SO's. I want to know how that love between SO's feel and how to experience love and know that I'm experiencing it and put myself out there to increase the chance of me finding love and experiencing it.

[talo]

This is a huge subject Imperceptible, and at this stage, I feel you would benefit from reading the posts by Esther on this thread:

 

link removed

 

Esther addresses the dynamics of why we need to fall in love, ie to externally find love, and this may give you some insight as to what is going on with you.

 

I would be interested as to what you 'get out of' reading those posts, and discuss what she says further with you. This is the same journey for all of us.

[Anna.]

Imperceptible, I felt kinda like you did to begin with. Like I thought maybe love like I had it in my head didn't exist. I saw everybody else's relationships and this and that. But then I met my fiance. I saw him and it was over. The only way I can describe it is it was like I had known him forever the first time we met. My heart was like this is it. Stop looking. Cause I KNEW he was supposed to be mine right then. And it has gotten harder for sure, but I know I'd be ridiculously miserable without him. I honestly couldn't live without him. I was twenty and had never been in love or even been in a relationship before. But I knew love when I found it. Love really is just one of those things everybody and their mama can tell you about and warn you about, but until it happens to you, you just don't understand. You know when you are in love cause you'll find yourself doing whatever it takes to be with them. It doesn't matter cause nothing matters without that person to share it with. It's not gonna be the guy that's your type or the guy you think you should be with. It just is who it is, and they're gonna show up when they're supposed to regardless of if you're looking or not. Love finds you.

[redrose85]

Love is so much, all wrapped into one. Just as the previous poster said, when you meet someone, it's like you have known them forever, and it just fits, and it just feels right. I recently fell in love for the first time in my life. I thought I was in love before, with someone I was engaged to and was with for 3 years...but, I had no idea of what real love even was! It's so hard to explain, you don't really understand until you feel it. The day I met my boyfriend, my life changed forever. it was like BOOM there he is, my match, my future husband, father of my children, my... everything. And I never thought I would be able to say/type these words without laughing at myself or joking around, but it is true. Both of us feel like we just can't express it, and I Love You just doesn't begin to cover it. An example of love is, tonight I am staying at his house. We worked together all day, and came back, made love, and settled in to watch tv and unwind. I don't have a computer of my own, so I use his sometimes to post on forums, check email, etc... he knows it is my time to myself when I am on the computer, so he grabbed a book, ran a bath, and left me be, and I let him read his book in peace. Neither of us feel hurt or worried that we want to spend this time apart, because I am going to bed in a few minutes, and we will reunite there, both feeling relaxed, and he will give up his favorite side of the bed because he knows I like to sleep against the wall. I think, the little things make love what it is. But at the same time, there is this giant force that every once in awhile, hits two people and binds them together. I'm such a sap lol, but so in love, and completely believe in it now.

[nottoogreen]

Hi redrose,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone,

 

This must be nicest and most romantic first post I read here. Congratulations.

[redrose85]

Thanks green. Just speakin' the truth lol

[Juha]

I am in the same boat as you...I know what real love is, lost her and kick my self in the * * * all the time for it...

 

I have been going out alot and none of the women I am or have been with do it for me at all... No connection at all...

 

My emotions are being protected and it will take someone specia again to get them to come out again, if ever... When I was younger I was so much more emotionally outgoing but now I guard myself much more than before...

 

To many phonies out there, you let yourself out and they are not what they seemed to be, they use you, they abuse you, so now they have to work a little more for it/me...

[NKP]

When you love that one person you cant live with out them, when im not with the person i love im not living, and when im with her my heart beats faster and slower at the same time, and when you look in there eyes you see nothing else but them and nothing else matters besides them