When do you need to let your significant other know what you are doing?

[dizzylizzy]

If, on a whim, you decide to leave work for the afternoon to go visit friends etc. should you call your significant other that you live with to let them know? This is something I have always done out of consideration but often times my BF leaves work on a whim for personal reasons and never calls to let me know that he will be somewhere else. His thought is as long as he is home by the time I get home what difference does it make. We pretty much communicate every day through email and for me it gets frustrating because I will email him, not get a reply for hours and I'm thinking he is swampped and come to find out he wasn't at work. Just kind of irritates me. What is the norm for this in a relationship?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Just ask him politely you would appreitate a heads up on matters like that. Not to keep tabs on him but so you can plan accordingly, like what to make for dinner, or if you want to go out, etc. And when he does let you know where he is going, thank him for being considerate of your feelings. That would prompt him to do it again in the future. Praise and recognition in most cases elicits wanted behavior.

[Meow18]

I would say that it depends on where he's going exactly.

 

If he's just going out with friends to lunch or to their house, then I don't think it's urgent that you know about it before. I mean, if he doesn't tell you about it at all, then I would think he's trying to hide something.

 

I think that as long as he's home when he's supposed to be, there's no reason to worry about him. And it's almost like, you aren't his mother. He doesn't need to report to you before he goes anywhere. As long as he's honest about it afterwards and tells you about it, then I would say that you shouldn't let it get to you.

 

It would be considerate of him to let you know if you wanted to know. Maybe he could write you a short email right before he goes letting you know that he's leaving. That way you know not to worry if he doesn't reply back to you.

[Scout]

I think if you really trusted him, you wouldn't feel the need to know where he is at any point of the day. I don't mean this in a critical way, either...it's more of a question of, is it possible you have some issues with trusting him? I know in some of your previous threads there were a couple of incidents that you questioned.

 

Just wondering where you two are at now...are you in a better place? In your heart, do you feel you can trust him to the ends of the earth? That's a pretty important belief to have in a committed relationship.

[dizzylizzy]

kellbell, I have asked him politely in the past, which upset him and when I asked him if it was okay if I took the afternoon off and went shopping with the girls I don't need to call him before to give him a heads up so long as I am home at my regular time he said, no that he would not like that. Sometimes he tells me sometimes he doesn't.

 

Meow18 - I have explained to him that all I would like is a simple email saying he's stepping out. His thought is because he has a cell phone he can be reached at anytime. I don't want to call his cell phone or hunt him down, just a simple I'll be gone ..... in an email just so I have a headsup. I think that there have been times that he leaves work and I don't know it and he hasn't told me where he went and a few months back I caught him lying about where he was, which where he was was no big deal as he was over at his sons, but I didn't appreciate the lying.

 

I'm just looking for the same consideration that I give.

[lostNspace]

I agree with the above posts. While I think it would be considerate of him to do it and I would appreciate it, I would never demand it or reprimand him if he didn't.

 

It's not unusual for me to take off work an hour or two early and not tell anybody that I've left, so I couldn't demand or expect someone else to do something I don't/won't do. I figure if anybody really needs/wants to get in touch with me, they can call my cell phone. So, I don't typically announce my plans before hand.

 

Now, if he were leaving early and lying to you about where he was and was hiding his activities from you, then that's an entirely different story.

[kellbell]

This may seem a little strange but perhaps do not give him the consideration. If you have tried everything, was polite about, etc...then maybe refrain from telling him where you are going. As long as you both trust each other and you are home at a reasonable time, then I do not see the point. Just my thoughts.

[dizzylizzy]

Scout, I definitely have some trust issues. And no I don't feel like I can trust him to the ends of the earth. He has a lot of communication via the phone and email with his ex all of which is done when I am never present and it is never discussed with me. Makes me uncomfortable due to some previous situations. Most of his communication and visits with his kids also take place when I am not around as they are not accepting of me. After 2 years of putting forth a lot of effort to be accepted this doesn't sit well with me so to a certain extent I think he hides some of the communication he has with the kids. Then there have been other trust issues that have broken as I have caught him breaking promises and lying about it. There is a pretty long list of broken trust.

[kellbell]

Hmmm...the plot thickens.

 

I hate to say it but with no trust you have nothing. To be blunt (sorry) why are you still with him? If you caught him in so many lies and him being in contact with his ex makes you uncomfortable and carrying on with him, you are breaking all your boundries. Why do that? Maybe it is time to rethink your relationship with him.

 

He has every right to be in contact with his kids and being in contact with his ex seems inevitable. Perhaps your reaction torwards him being in contact with his kids and ex has prompted him to lie about it. I am not condoning it but I can see why.

[Meow18]

If you have caught him in lies, then I don't blame you for not being able to trust him well. But you are to blame for staying with him knowing he does this to you.

 

You do not have a healthy relationship. He lies, you don't trust him, and as a result you need to know whenever he goes somewhere. But he doesn't always do that.

 

He needs to see his kids, and because of that he has to have some kind of communication with his ex. And he doesn't need to tell you exactly everything he and his kids talk about..

 

Is this worth it to you? Are you happy with your relationship? Honestly, I think it's only going to get worse given the situation.

[dizzylizzy]

I ask myself the same questions. My counselor says I will when I am done when I have no more quarters to give. Kind of harder to break off a relationship once you get in so deep.

 

His son is 21, married and has his own home. His daughter is 19 and still lives with her mother. I have no problem with his contact with his kids just wish it was done a little more openly. We have been living together for 2 years and for the most part they never call the home phone and they only call his office phone M-F from 8-5 (he works out of our home). He tells me he and his ex have very little contact but whenever I am off work unexpectedly she always seems to call, his office phone of course. And when he has his email up I see emails from her on his business account. Since he doesn't share any of this with me it makes me question how much contact there really is.

[kellbell]

I have a feeling that none of this was discussed in the beginning of your relationship. No compromises were made, no boundries were set, what was acceptable and what was not acceptable...very little communication at all. Because if there was, then none of this would be an issue. Now, resentments, misunderstandings, assumptions are popping up in spades.

 

You are placing expectations on him far too late in the game I am afraid. It would be nice if he was more open about his life with his kids but that is not the case.

 

So, you have to decide, is this all worth it to you? But lies, broken promises, secrets would be deal breakers for me.

[AwdreeHpburn]

OK - what's with the cats all over all of a sudden? Meow, Kelly, Annie....

 

Anyway - in the world of norms, it is completely ok for someone to leave work and not tell his SO.

[dizzylizzy]

Meow, I have no problem with him seeing his kids and I never ask what was discussed. Just want more openess in the relationship.

 

Kellbell, these have been issues from the start, I did discuss my expectations, concerns, worries, boundaries and have been discussing them from day one. He has used these discussions to try and justify some of his lies. I lied to you because I knew it would upset you, I don't tell you because I new it would upset you. Things have gotten better but once the doubt has been put there it is hard to get the trust back. He has told me that because I have set some bondaries and because he has put me first in his life that is why his kids are pulling away from him.

[kellbell]

Okay, well he is not good at communicating and takes the easy way out. His easy out is certainly hurting you and jeapordizing your sense of security. However, sticking it out and putting expectations is not going to change him or make him more honest. This is the way he deals with matters, by lying and being secretative. Is this the kind of person you want to be with?

[Meow18]

When the trust is gone from a relationship, it takes a whole lot of effort from BOTH people to get that trust back.

 

You lost the trust because of what he has done in the past. He better be doing a whole lot to try to gain that trust back. Is he trying from what you know?

 

Honestly, the fact that he won't even email you letting you know where he's going shows me that he's not trying..

[BellaDonna]

my BF leaves work on a whim for personal reasons and never calls to let me know that he will be somewhere else. His thought is as long as he is home by the time I get home what difference does it make.

 

I tend to do that a lot. Many of my family members live close to my job, so if I have the chance to leave work early- I'll go visit with them. Sometimes I like to go shopping by myself and I find it very peaceful so I do that now and then because I love the mall that is close to my job. I mention it later on when my husband and I talk about how our day was- but I never feel the need to call and check-in when I leave work early and go somewhere else.

 

I guess it's a personality thing- I've never been one to "check-in" in general. If I'm going to be late, I'll call- but otherwise I don't like to be bothered with having to make a call for every change of location I make. Sometimes I'll call if I leave work early for the store to simply ask if he needs anything etc. But in general I find phone calls during the day to be a burden and I keep my cell phone off most of the time.

 

I could see that this could be bothersome to you if there are already trust issues in the relationship. I suppose if you asked him how how day was and what he did- and he didn't mention it- or lied about leaving early- that would be very unsetteling- and it becomes another issue all together.

 

 

BellaDonna

[dizzylizzy]

Kellbell, you are so right as it has definitely affected my since of security and I hate living a life of constant doubts and wondering. And I know people don't change especially when you are older your are set in your ways. He tells me that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks and that he wants to be a better person and that I am good for him as I keep him on track.

 

Meow, he is trying and I have seen some definite improvements. The two areas we struggle with the most is communication with the ex, and he pretty much feels he has to take off of work to see his kids because he has to go to their place because they won't come to our place and he feels he needs to do this also during work hours because he feels bad excluding me if he goes on the weekends and evenings. Since he doesn't want to hurt my feelings he trys to tell me as little as possible as it is a reminder of their nonacceptance of me.

[BellaDonna]

he pretty much feels he has to take off of work to see his kids because he has to go to their place because they won't come to our place and he feels he needs to do this also during work hours because he feels bad excluding me if he goes on the weekends and evenings

 

Has there ever been a time in your relationship where you may have given him the impression that it's not ok to see his kids on evenings and weekends? This does not only have to be verbal, but can be seen in behavior. Sometimes it's easy to tell if a person is annoyed or upset. Do you think he may have ever sensed that kind of feeling from you when his kids were in your presense?

 

I'm just throwing that out there....

 

BellaDonna

[kellbell]

I was wondering the same thing too Bella.

[Scout]

I'm sure you know in your heart that his kids did not take the divorce well. Out of loyalty to their mom, they are probably feeling anxiety about doing anything that looks like they accept her replacement.

 

Only when those dynamics change will your boyfriend not feel like he's constantly in the middle having to field all these complicated, conflicting feelings from the people he loves in his life. And I bet he'll still feel he has to resort to an occasional fib to keep the peace until all this sorts itself out one day.

 

This may just be one of those situations that calls for saint like patience on your part, and possibly even years to overcome.

 

Is your relationship with him worth that sacrifice?

[dizzylizzy]

No. I extend invites (to the extent that I have sent them an invitation from me personally) for every holiday, birthday, special event most of which his son declines, his daughter attends but has expressed to her dad on numerous occasions that she would rather it be just her and him yet she completely flaked on him when they were to have a one-on-one Father's day breakfast together, she never showed up and never called him until the following evening and her reason was that she wanted to stay and jet ski another day. I have expressed to him that it is hurtful and disappointing to me that his kids are not accepting of me. I am not looking to be their best friend or buddy or pal but would like to be able to enjoy doing some family things together as my kids 17 and 20 have completely accepted him and have never asked me to exclude him. He knows that I have no problem with him having one-on-one time with his kids but it does bother me that they want nothing to do with me and won't recognize us and our home together by calling the house phone, coming over etc.

[Scout]

I'm sure it's a very hurtful situation, and one that is a major thorn in the side of your relationship. Not saying it's right or wrong, fair or unfair, but the reality is you, as the older adult, will have to set the example to his kids who are barely grown ups, by just continuing to invite them to things when you can, and never give the impression you are excluding them. Even if it kills you, lol. Seriously, this is just one of those situations it's going to take a great deal of time to overcome, and as long as you know you are behaving in a kind, mature manner, there's really nothing you should worry about. Your guy will one day call his kids on this, I'm sure, if we're talking several years down the road here and they are still being frosty to you.

[dizzylizzy]

Scout, his son has made it clear that he is having difficulty with their divorce to the point that now he has put his house on the market to move to Texas. This breaks my heart because I know how this is going tear my BF up inside. He will be losing his son and his grandaughter. He pretty much raised his grandaughter for the first two years of her life. I feel like if it wasn't for me he would still have a good relationship with his kids. Sometimes I wonder if we all would be better off if I just stepped aside.

 

I don't know if I want this kind of frustration for the rest of my life.

[Scout]

Well, let's see if we can sort this out a bit. What seems hopeless today, rarely actually is.

 

I remember from one of your previous threads that he had been married for 25 years prior to his divorce. What exactly were the reasons he divorced? Could his children in any possible way think you had something to do with it? Were you involved with him before his divorce?

 

Sorry for the personal questions, but if the answer is "yes" to any of the above, best to know that so we can give you some more informed feedback.