discussing the breakup with friends--better or worse for healing?

[joyce1412]

hey all. i was wondering what everyone's opinions were RE: venting to friends about one's breakup.

 

i'm about two and a half months out of my breakup, and i feel like when i get started talking about my ex with friends, i never stop. i've been leaning on them a lot to talk me through stuff, ask their opinions, et cetera.

 

i know this is sort of a necessary part in the breakup healing process, but does anyone find that it's detrimental, especially after a certain amount of time? i know it is recommended in majord's NC post that we stop talking about the ex (at least when we're with friends, it's obviously a different story here.

 

sometimes i feel like the talking is helping me get through it alive, and sometimes i feel like it's holding me back, keeping my progress stagnant...it's just hard to stop myself though.

[shelly7]

Great question. I've wondered that myself, so I spoke to a therapist. Therapist said, yes I have to stop talking about it with friends to heal. However, I take that with a grain of salt. If something is really bothering me, by all means I'll vent to a friend, but then I end it and ask them what's going on in their lives. I've told my closest friends not to bring him up anymore, unless I do. They've been great.

[melrich]

I think it is healthy to talk out anything that is bothering you. But you have to remember to respect other people's tolerance. What is of deep interest to you may not be for them so learn to read their responses and know when enough is enough.

[evyrew]

I have vented to a close friend, my brother, and my father at different times. I tried to not burden each of them with all of the details. Each person has something different to say, but once they have given their advice and consolation... it is time to let it go. Don't let your burden become their burden. Instead, be an inspiration to them by healing, and becoming a better person.

[Roxari]

My friends loathe my ex. They still listen to me though and offer the best insight they can when I am hurting or having a moment of "I miss him".

 

Friends are great to talk to. Make sure you are leaning on real friends and not just aquaintances. Those that are not that close to you tire easily of your talking about the breakup. Friends do as well, but they are there for you through it all.

[joyce1412]

yeah...i don't think i've ever gotten to a point with friends where i stopped talking about a relationship ending because i knew it was detrimental. i've only had two bad breakups, this one included, and in the last one i met my new guy about 7 months after...by then i think i wasn't talking to them about it as much, but would still do it when the impulse came up. and when i got my new guy i obviously didn't care to discuss the old one.

 

so i guess i just don't know whether i would feel better if i made a DELIBERATE point of not talking about him with friends. i feel like i have verbal diarrhea sometimes, it's SO hard to stop the breakup talk.

[keenan]

Talking is really helpful. It's like poison--you just need to get it out, even if it's the same stuff over and over again. I vented extensively to one person, and in moderation to a bunch of different people that I'm close to in different ways. I tried to distribute the outpouring fairly equally so that no single person got horrifically over-burdened, though I'm positive they all did, lol. I'd also limit the pity party to 10-20 minutes. After awhile I got sick of hearing myself, and that's when I started to get over it.

[itsallgrand]

That is a good question.

 

To a certain degree, I think it depends on your friends. I know that after break-ups I've had, I discovered there are various sorts of friends when it comes to venting about the ex. There's those who will listen to anything - and I mean anything - who will either silently begrudge too much talk or use diversion only.

Then there are those who are more into constructive discussion, who do listen to a certain amount of venting, but who will say outloud "ok, you've talked about that enough. You're not doing yourself any good and you're getting annoying' lol.

 

Hopefully you've got a mix of both. Don't avoid showing your true colours to the ones who will tell you when to shut up. They can keep you on track very well.

 

that's just my opinion

[joyce1412]

I know that after break-ups I've had, I discovered there are various sorts of friends when it comes to venting about the ex. There's those who will listen to anything - and I mean anything - who will either silently begrudge too much talk or use diversion only.

Then there are those who are more into constructive discussion, who do listen to a certain amount of venting, but who will say outloud "ok, you've talked about that enough. You're not doing yourself any good and you're getting annoying' lol.

 

i know what you mean, i've discovered all sorts of types of friends too. the ones who will listen but not say anything, the ones who will tell you what you want to hear, the ones who are hopeful and optimistic, the ones who are pessimistic and shoot down my hopes, the ones who listen endlessly but have really unorthodox, questionable advice...haha. it's kind of funny when you've identified everyone because then i think you subconsciously decide what you want to hear and go to the person who will provide advice accordingly.

 

i always worry about talking too much, but usually that doesn't help to limit the verbal onslaught too much. sometimes, though!

 

i worry less about how they feel about it, because i know i would totally be there to talk to them as much as they wanted, especially after having gone through it and knowing how terrible it is. i worry MORE about what it is doing to my progress or lack thereof.

 

it's truly difficult to trust your instincts after a breakup. because, as superdave has said, they're usually wrong. and when you can't trust yourself, you become a basket case of doubt and mixed emotions.

[bobo85]

for me it really helped. You get all your feelings out and your friends can also offer you advice. After telling the same story 5 million times it gets tiring and that is when the real healing begins.

[joyce1412]

After telling the same story 5 million times it gets tiring and that is when the real healing begins.

 

haha, agreed.

[jenny_mcs]

Yup, I agree. When you (and not your patient g/f's) get tired of talking about it- you will be talked out, analyzed out, and ready to move on, and it will feel great. Your ex, whose friends probably tolerated him talking about it for 1 night (if he was even able to do that, some guys aren’t) probably hasn’t talked about it at all.

 

A few months from now, you will be happy and recovered and moving on with things, maybe dating someone else. He will randomly burst into tears in the shower, and that’s when he will call. J

[joyce1412]

Yup, I agree. When you (and not your patient g/f's) get tired of talking about it- you will be talked out, analyzed out, and ready to move on, and it will feel great. Your ex, whose friends probably tolerated him talking about it for 1 night (if he was even able to do that, some guys aren't) probably hasn't talked about it at all.

 

A few months from now, you will be happy and recovered and moving on with things, maybe dating someone else. He will randomly burst into tears in the shower, and that's when he will call. J

 

hahahaha. yeah, sometimes i feel so lucky to be a woman. friends come out in droves to support you, let you cry and basically give you cart blanche to act however the hell you want. they all have their own limitations, of course, but their intentions are good.

 

men don't get that kind of support ever. although sometimes i wonder if that's the way they prefer it. i suspect that my ex pretty much has his lips entirely sealed on the matter.

 

i think i might just be getting there as far as being "talked out." after this meeting i have with my ex on wednesday, i don't think there's going to be much more to say. i'll get to say the few things i want to say, he might say a thing or two in return, and the chapter will be closed.