Its so hard......

[SLMitchell918]

I'm mad at my husband right now, so I guess I need to vent. I never talk to him about me feeling sad or worried about his little fling awhile back ago. I just don't want to bother him with it.....Well, I actually said today that I was just a little worried. I can't help it. I have my moments, and lately at work he hasn't been sending me very many text messages. Well, i know that isn't a BIG deal, but you have to understand that - when i found out about Kerri, one of the signs was his lack of communcations with me while he was at work. he hasn't slipped into his old ways yet, but I would say his lack of talking to me this week has made me a little worried.

I didn't tell him WHY i was worried, just that I was simply worried & that I have my moments. I can't help it. He works with several women. When he was calling that girls number in November, I was lead to believe it was a guy named Jerry. I believe him. Up until I saw the text messages on his phone talking about love......that hurt. Gosh I'll never forget that night. I didn't say anything right away, i went to take my shower and puked everywhere in the shower........nerves and being pregnant.........

Now he has a new friend named John. Thats who he hangs out with. I'm giving him the benifit of the doubt & I believe John is guy. Its just hard though.....when he starts talking about a girl at work......my heart drops to my stomach.....and I worry and wonder.

Life is just not suppose to be like this........I miss having the relationship we had before I found out all this crap. I never ONCE thought he would cheat on me & I didn't care if he chatted with women at work. Now that hes cheated, its just so damn hard. I try and try to be happy.....and sometimes I just can't stop thinking that if he loved me, he would have NEVER cheated on me.

Brian seems to think that I should be over this already, but everything i've read online says it can take years.......and I believe it. He has killed my self-worth in this relationship. I dont think I'm the same person that I use to be.

If Savannah hadn't been in the picture, I probably wouldn't have given him a second chance. For one week, Brian was a complete jerk to me and I just dont think I can 'forget' it like he thinks I should. He has a temper and when hes mad, hes an * * * * * * *.

When he told me he wanted to separate, I met him that day on lunch. I asked him if he just didn't love me like he was suppose to....and he said he didnt.........yet he came home that evening and said he DID love me and he was stupid. I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes I WONDER what is the truth? I try to be a tough girl and TRY to act like it doesn't bother me. I never talk about this stuff to any one anymore, except for the people that are stuck reading this - sorry. It makes me feel better to vent.

Anyways, I just dont know how to feel anymore. My brain tells me to RUN and get out of this relationship.......but my heart tells me to stay. I can't see myself out of this relationship either. we've been together since 2002. I pretty much jumped from my last marriage into this relationship.

*sigh*, Sorry for the venting, but Brian isn't answering my txt messages anymore and I guess I'm upset. I know that if I had cheated.........and he found out - I would do everything is my power to make sure he knows I would NEVER do that.......and for him to know how much I love him. Brian was like that at first, but now that he thinks i should be over it.......hes not. Plus we have Savannah........so instead of really working on our marriage, we just spend time with her and use it as a cover up in some ways.

Okay, im done. My head is pounding....its almost time to go home....and see Brian. I guess things would just be so much better if he would TALK to me and MAKE me feel better, but he doesn't really. I have relaps and need to hear things sometimes.......*sigh* Everyone have a good weekend. I'm very sorry for venting.......but I needed to so badly!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Marriage or no marriage, kids or no kids, I don't think I could ever continue on with someone if he had cheated on me. I just couldn't see any way to ever get around it, or get past it. I don't know how you do it!

[shorty20]

if you haven't already, I would try counseling. It sounds like you two could need it. Don't stay together for your kid, it will only make things worse for her if you guys don't love each other. Suggest counseling, if he says yes, he cares and wants to be with you. If he says no then you need to get out, get child support and move on with your life. I know I make it sound so easy but just tell yourself you gotta do what you gotta do. I"m sorry you're having such a hard time!

[Hope75]

I agree with Shorty on this one. Have you and Brian sought counseling? Brian seems to have an unrealistic expectation of how quickly you should be getting over this. Seems pretty selfish if you ask me.

 

I think it might help if the two of you went together to see a counselor and get an objective opinion on this situation.

[annie24]

I also agree with the marital counseling. it is time.

 

why don't you ask him to invite "John" over for dinner somenight? see what he says.

[Hope75]

I also agree with the marital counseling. it is time.

 

why don't you ask him to invite "John" over for dinner somenight? see what he says.

 

I was thinking the same thing.... why not invite "John" over for dinner?

 

Tell Brian that you are interested in meeting this friend that you hear so much much about, and that he spends time with.

 

It's not unusual for my bf and I to have guests over from dinner.

 

His reaction might tell you alot about this new "friendship" with "John".

[annie24]

I was thinking the same thing.... why not invite "John" over for dinner?

 

Tell Brian that you are interested in meeting this friend that you hear so much much about, and that he spends time with.

 

It's not unusual for my bf and I to have guests over from dinner.

 

His reaction might tell you alot about this new "friendship" with "John".

 

yeah, exactly.

 

see what your husband says. if he starts making excuses, be suspicious, and counter them.

 

ie. "john can't come for dinner, he's a vegetarian." you: "no problem, I'll make meatless lasagne and salad."

 

"john lives far away." you: "no problem, let's drive over there and meet him for dinner or drinks."

 

"john's gf won't let him come over." you: "no problem, let's invite her also."

 

if he comes up with a lot of excuses or hesitates as to why you can't meet john, I think you should be suspicious and maybe rethink the relationship.

[Hope75]

yeah, exactly.

 

see what your husband says. if he starts making excuses, be suspicious, and counter them.

 

ie. "john can't come for dinner, he's a vegetarian." you: "no problem, I'll make meatless lasagne and salad."

 

"john lives far away." you: "no problem, let's drive over there and meet him for dinner or drinks."

 

"john's gf won't let him come over." you: "no problem, let's invite her also."

 

if he comes up with a lot of excuses or hesitates as to why you can't meet john, I think you should be suspicious and maybe rethink the relationship.

 

I completely agree with this.

 

What do you think, SL?

[SLMitchell918]

That sounds like a good idea. I will probably have to wait until he brings John up again. Its really sad it has to be like this, but I believe once you've broken trust, you just can't have it back. You have to work on it.

 

John probably does exisit, but like you guys said, if he makes excuses, it will be a warning sign.

 

Thank you ALL for your support. I have hard moments sometimes and really need to post. I hate to keep dragging about this subject, but it still hurts for me -sometimes. I have good moments and bad moments.

 

I just keep a look out for any signs. I'm normally not a jealous person. But his affair has made me a little different. I believe it would change anyone just a little bit.

 

I dont do it only for our daughter. I also do love him & I can see that if he was unhappy with his marriage - he might have "started" in the wrong direction. ITS NO EXCUSE, but thats the only reason why i'm trying to give him one more change. I know people will say " he didn't have sex with her" but telling this girl kerri that he loved her was enough to break my heart. Those works are sacred .

[annie24]

hey honey - I think all of us would feel the same way you do in this situation. afterall, you have a baby, and you want to make things work, but at the same time, he has betrayed your trust. keep your eyes open. has he been trying to make the marriage work a bit better?

 

(((HUGS)))

[crayzee]

Hey there... just a thought that I had while reading your thread. I have been single all my life (im only 18)... but, I think that if you continue in a relationship where there is tension and possibly hostility, it will rub off on your daughter in the future. The reason you two are sticking it out, I assume, is to keep a "good environment" for your daughter, however, the tension between you and Brian will create an "uneasy" environment for your daughter as she grows up and becomes more and more mature and aware of her parent's relationship...

[Hope75]

SL,

 

I agree that such words would also break my heart if I was in your situation. I'm not sure what's worse, empty sex or telling someone else you love them.... it's a tough call.

 

I hope, like Annie asked, that Brian is doing all he can to prove to you that he wants to help you get past this by earning your trust back. Part of that is inviting "John" and other friends over, and generally keeping less things apart from you. I know it would take me some serious time and proof to be able to trust my bf again if this happened....

[GH2001]

It takes a really strong person to take the beating that you have and it will take years to repair just some of the damage done, not months, even with counciling. You don't have to get a divorce but you do have justification. Do you believe that you can ever trust him again? I can see that you love him because you are staying with him. Just don't get down on yourself. Never give up on yourself. Show him the strength that HE should have. You have already done this by just staying with him.

[SLMitchell918]

Thank you all for your support.

 

This weekend brian and I had a talk. well more like an argument. when hef ound out I was worried, he just didn't understand. The funny thing is, once you have a fear installed in you, sometimes its hard to just let it go.

 

Part of me feels like he wouldn't do it again. He's got a lot to lose. He said so himself. Also said he wouldn't be happy without me.

 

My only problem is worrying. It comes and goes. It wouldn't be nearly as bad if he didn't work in the same building with this girl.......or any girl. Of course- I truly believe he doesn't talk to her anymore.

 

Eh, ITs funny, I wanna believe, but you always have that "small" doubt in the back of your mind. Surely, one day it will go away.

 

He's disappointed that I'm not over it. ( said so this weekend) I told him Im not nearly as bad as the day I found out & that it is a slow progress. Its upsetting that he doesn't understand the situation he created sometimes.

[annie24]

well, you need to tell brian that he isn't pulling his part also. I think ANY WOMAN would be very worried if her husband had an affair so early in their marriage. If he is really dedicated to making things work, he needs to be understanding and his actions need to be transparent, not telling you you are nuts.

 

You aren't nuts. I know you want to trust him, as any of us would want to trust our S/Os, but he made a serious breach of trust, and of course a little voice will go off in your head anytime you hear something suspicious.

 

will he go to marital counseling with you? I think it would be a very good idea.

[SLMitchell918]

As far as counciling, I did it and he tried. He was not comfortable talking about his feelings at all.

 

Its like this other woman is a bad part of his life that he doesn't want to think about or remember. The thing is, it's me that paid the price.

 

I believe the foundation to save our marriage is there, but I fear that he doesn't understand what Im truly going through. One great thing about marriage/relationships, is that you know that person only has eyes for you & you are only meant for each other - After this, sometimes its hard to feel that way.

 

I miss taking "sweet nothings" seriously. Now when he says something , i feel like he is joking. I am not giving up, but its just so very hard. I believe I've came to enotalone a million times.... sorry guys.

 

Things between us are good, when I dont feel worried and scared. Feeling that way does effect my mood sometimes. I get quiet & he knows.

 

I guess I just need to get the security back that I once felt I had. Its just very hard getting back to that point.

 

On another note,

 

Everyone have a great July 4th & thank you all so much.

[annie24]

hey - what about you alone going to counseling? I'm sure the therapist may help you come to terms with some of these relationship troubles yourself.

[Hope75]

Annie has a good idea, therapy might help you alone as well.

 

BUT... I think Brian needs to give couples counseling more of a try. If he is really dedicated to working this out, he has to realize that he is the one that caused this mistrust, and he needs to put in more effort to earn it back- instead of being upset that you are not 'over it'.

 

He may be uncomfortable with talking about his feelings, but he owes it to you, your marriage and your daughter to put 100% into this- even if counseling makes him squirm. I suspect it makes him squirm partly because it forces him to take accountability for what he did- he can't just sweep it under the rug and be upset that you cannot do the same.

 

Why not suggest it to him? He owes that to this marriage.

[RayKay]

Annie has a good idea, therapy might help you alone as well.

 

BUT... I think Brian needs to give couples counseling more of a try. If he is really dedicated to working this out, he has to realize that he is the one that caused this mistrust, and he needs to put in more effort to earn it back- instead of being upset that you are not 'over it'.

 

He may be uncomfortable with talking about his feelings, but he owes it to you, your marriage and your daughter to put 100% into this- even if counseling makes him squirm. I suspect it makes him squirm partly because it forces him to take accountability for what he did- he can't just sweep it under the rug and be upset that you cannot do the same.

 

Why not suggest it to him? He owes that to this marriage.

 

I agree with Hope. I too guess he is not "comfortable" sharing his feelings because it means he can't just put it in the past and forget about it. It means he does not have to accept responsibility for it, or make changes to how he currently deals with it.

 

He broke the trust, and part of earning it back is rebuilding, and counselling is an excellent tool to do that.

 

Of course you have not just gotten over it, it does not work that way. It takes a long time to build that solid foundation, but only one swift kick to damage it. And you have to go back and repair it. You can't build a house upon unstable foundation, correct? Nor can you expect a solid marriage on a ground of broken trust.