Very Hard Topic for Me

[PittItaliano]

This is a topic that is very hard for me to ask for help on. I just need advice and opinions from people outside the situation. Also none of my friends have been through anything like this, so when I go to them with this, they never know what to tell me.

 

My family life is not what you would call "good". For as long as I can remember I have been verbally abused by my mother, and about 6 years ago she started with physical abuse. This has really taken a toll on me through out the years.

 

I don't think I am scared of anything on this earth more than I am scared of my mother and I really take what she says to me seriously. I have so self-esteem at all, I'll be the first to admit that. I absolutely hate myself as well, because I guess if you here someone telling you your nothing long enough you start to believe it.

 

I try telling my mother about what she not only does to me but also to my two younger sisters. The last time I tried to tell her the conversation ended with physical abuse.

 

I just don't know how much longer I can take this. I hate not even being able to talk to my mother some days just because she is in a bad mood, and I don't know when she is going to lose it.

 

I'm 19 years old, and my mother is still beating me up. I just don't know what to do anymore. I constantly feel like I need to be better to make her happy, and I constantly try to be better. I'll never be good enough though, no matter how badly I want to be.

 

My boyfriend keeps telling me I need to talk to her and have some kind of intervention. I keep telling him I can't, that I'm just too scared. I just don't even know how I would begin going about that. Has anyone out there done an intervention for someone before? How did you do it?

 

I'm totally lost, and tired of having to deal with this. PLEASE HELP!

[Ians Mommy]

Hit her back.

 

Seriously, I was only kidding. Please don't.

 

I think you really need to tell a councelor or someone else in your family and try to get some help for your mom.

[PittItaliano]

I just don't understand what goes through someones mind that they think beating their own child is ok.

 

I just have no help. My sisters are too scared. My dad isn't around, and even when he was, he let it happen. And as I said, none of my friends have ever been in this situation before, including my boyfriend, so no one understands where I am coming from.

[PittItaliano]

Does anyone out there have any ideas??? Please, I really do need people's help on this, I can't take it much longer.

 

I've been breaking down almost every week, and I've run out of ideas

[itsallgrand]

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. I hope I can help, and others here too, in some way.

 

How old are your sisters and are they living at home with your mother as well?

 

Do you have a full-time job or good income (think: living on your own expenses).

 

Do you have some supportive friends or others - even if they don't understand or know what to do in this situation?

 

Have you ever been or currently in therapy?

 

I will tell you something that I know 100% to be true. You can not rationalize or negotiate with people who abuse. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother. She was abusive on many levels. I have also experienced abuse from others. I myself became an abusive person for a period of time.

Please listen and read this as many times as you must to hear it: There is no way to make an abuser better when you are the one being abused.

It is not your fault.

It is not your responsibility.

 

All you need to worry about right now is YOURSELF.

 

----Please also at some point read the sticky in the Abuse and Violence category.

[fishrrshortae]

How old are your siblings? This may seem kind of extreme, but you might want to consider reporting her to social services if she keeps on abusing you and your younger sisters. Other than that, another option for you is to move out, but of course that still leaves your sisters in a vulnerable situation.

 

Before doing anything else, you might want to tell your mother that the next time she lays a hand on you or your siblings, you will be calling the police and pressing charges. Be prepared to follow through on the threat before you make it, and definitely do NOT hit her back.

[PittItaliano]

My sisters are 15 years old (twins) they will be 16 in Sept.

 

I do not have a "full time job" I am a nanny in the summers, but I am attending college during the rest of the year (I'm a desk attendant at my college), and my parents are paying for that. If I did move out of the house I would lose having my parents pay for college and would have to drop out. Even though I work, I would never be able to get myself through college even with the finacial aid.

 

I've never been to therapy because I have no way to pay for it by myself. I am on my parent's health insurance and I guess they don't think I have a good enough reason to go to therapy.

[PittItaliano]

Also my friends are supportive and are always there when I am having a bad night

 

The other issue with moving out is I feel bad just for leaving my sisters alone when I am at college. At least I can be here for them for 4 months out of the year

[PittItaliano]

I don't know if I could follow through with calling the police and pressing charges. I'm just so scared of her.

[fishrrshortae]

Ultimately your victimization can last only as long as you are afraid to do something about it. If you could find a full time job and take on loans, it would be easier to leave. I know many people who work full time and attend school full time with the help of loans and grants. That is not to say it would be easy, but if your situation is that bad, maybe you should consider it.

 

Either way, it looks like the first thing you need to do is get yourself on better financial footing.

[itsallgrand]

I'm sorry if this comes accross harsh, bc I truly do want to help. That's a disclaimer.

 

I see only one real option for you. You need to stand up for yourself. If that means channeling your anger to do so, then so be it. You may be afraid, but you are not powerless. You standing up will help you and it will help your sisters.

 

Here's some things to think about:

*At 19, unless you are ill or otherwise comprimised physically, you have the physical size and strength to give your mother a good go.

(I do not suggest hitting her. I am telling you this so you realize she can not continue to harm you unless you allow her to)

*Your sisters depend on you to a degree to show them how to behave. You can make life better for them, or more difficult.

*The law is on your side and you have the option of calling the police or SS (I assume you are an American,eh?)

*Your fear can be used to your advantage to leave a dangerous situation

 

Since I can tell moving out is not something you are even capable of considering as an option right now, I agree with fishrrshortae.

 

You need to make a stand and never, ever allow her to hit you again. Call the police if necessarily. Do what you have to. But do not allow the abuse to continue to you.

 

This would empower you. You need this right now. You need to act.

 

good luck

[PittItaliano]

I just wish there was a way to just make her see that she really needs help

[itsallgrand]

That is fantasy thinking and will keep you a victim.

 

Seriously, it comes down to two choices:

 

1) Wait for your mother to see she is wrong, change, and give you what you want.

 

2) Stop expecting anything from her. Rely on yourself. Change your behavior, your world, your relationships.

 

Number 1 will have you waiting for a long time. You will continue to get hurt. You will feel worse and worse. You will become more hopeless. You will be easy picking for other abusers and people that see you want a rescuer (and who want to take advantage of that). You will not grow as a person but deteriorate.

 

Number 2 will completely change your life. It will not be easy. It will require you to expect a lot from yourself, to change, to make sacrifices, to grow. You will no longer be abused or ever allow anyone to abuse you again. You will exude confidence. You will be a position to make things happen and to help your sisters.

 

The choice is YOURS. take care of yourself

[PittItaliano]

Number 2 will completely change your life. It will not be easy. It will require you to expect a lot from yourself, to change, to make sacrifices, to grow. You will no longer be abused or ever allow anyone to abuse you again. You will exude confidence. You will be a position to make things happen and to help your sisters.

 

The thing is I don't expect much from myself. I don't really see myself as that great of a person. A lot of times I feel like i deserve what I get.

[itsallgrand]

Look at my posts to you. I don't have a speck of doubt that you can do this. Anybody can who will only DO IT. It's really about proving to yourself that you are worth it.

 

Of course you do not deserve to be abused! No one ever deserves abuse. NEVER.

 

I know you find it difficult to believe right now. The belief comes in when you act. Act like someone who will never put up with this again. Act like someone who is confidence and expects to succeed.

 

It's a bit of a silly trick that REALLY WORKS.

 

Did you check out that sticky in the Abuse and Violence section? Have read any of the stories there? People from all over are facing similiar circumstances. Some are at the bottom and some have overcome and some are inbetween.

If you were to read some of those stories, do you think any of those people deserve to be abused??

I don't think so.

 

I wish i could help you more, but this is the best I can do.

[fishrrshortae]

Itsallgrand is right ..

and the bottom line is, you need to realize that you DONT deserve the abuse before you are going to do anything about it. Have you done some bad things in your life? Probably. Hasn't everyone? YES. No reason for abuse there.

 

You have options, however limited they may be. Don't let things get worse for you and your sisters before you finally decide to do something about it.

[PittItaliano]

It hasn't been getting worse though, it's getting better

[fishrrshortae]

If it was getting better, I doubt you would have bothered posting about it.

[PittItaliano]

I was just wondering if either of u have ever gone through anything like this?

[LaFilleTriste]

I went through the same thing. My mother was verbally and physically abusive when I was growing up, up until high school. This only stopped when I got a full-time job @ 18, and wasn't at home a lot. She used to be controlling, I always had to stay home all the time. She always said I was stupid and worthless. She was the source of my pain at that time in my life. Well, at 19, I moved out because I got married, and then she just backed off. She became a nicer person. It doesn't seem your mother is getting better because she is still abusing you and you are grown. I was always scared of my mom too, I could never confront her, I let her do whatever she wanted to me because I was too scared of her. I never really resolved the situation though because I ended up moving out, and she changed. I can't really tell you what to do because I myself never did anything about it. I just let time pass. All I can say is that I sympathize with you and I'm sorry your mom is so cruel.

[sonjam]

LafilleTriste, the only problem for you is you moved from the one abuser (mom) to the next (husband). It happens because that is the way we are taught relationships work when we grow up in an abusive household. You have to break the cycle somewhere, believe in yourself and see you don't deserve the hand you are dealt.

 

PittItaliano, it's all up to you to change the dynamic in your relationship. My husband went through the same thing, his dad beat him and his mother too. The one day his dad went off at his mom again and my HB just reached breaking point. He grabbed his dad's hand in mid air, and told him if he didn't back of now, he was going to get the beating of his life, that my HB is now grown up (same age as you) and this is not acceptable to him. His dad could not believe his ears, and was stunned. It changed the whole dynamic of the situation, and to this day he's never lifted a finger to one of them again.

[xpress]

Also my friends are supportive and are always there when I am having a bad night

 

The other issue with moving out is I feel bad just for leaving my sisters alone when I am at college. At least I can be here for them for 4 months out of the year

 

 

I am so very sorry for your situation and most of all, I feel for you and your fears which are very real.

 

I think you need to find a way to take care of yourself. I understand that you worry about your sisters but if you free yourself of this situation you may be in a better position to get some perspective and help your sisters.

 

Your family (mother) may be holding you in the bad place you find yourself in by holding the financial 'carrot' over your head. It may seem like the only way you have to make it financially is with their help and they know they hold that power over you. You sound like a bright, clear thinking person. I think you could find lots of support if you just step out of things and take the risk.

 

I hope this helps.

[onewithbooks]

Pitt~

 

You had mentioned in your earlier post that you are attending college. There should be health services there were you can talk to someone for free. Every college I have know of has had that.

 

Take care and be well

 

LeAnn~

[PittItaliano]

Thank you everyone for these new postings. Since my last post I have returned home for the rest of the summer until the fall semester starts, my summer classes are over. I still spend 3 days a week up near school for my nannying job so at least I get some time out of my house and with a fuctioning family.

 

I have looked into the counciling at my campus health center... it is free which is music to my college student ears. I plan on going to the health center and asking for help ask soon as it opens up along with classes in the fall.

 

These posts really have helped me. Specially LafilleTriste- Although I am truly sorry that you went through what I am going through now, it still gave me some kind of comfort to know that I'm not the only person who has gone through this, and that others have kept strong and gotten through it.

 

As to moving out of the house, I'm just not ready for that. Some people probably don't understand why I wouldn't want to get out of the house. But it's hard explaining it to people. I just know that it's something that I am not ready for.

[onewithbooks]

I understand it is hard. As much as you can hate it, it can be harder/scarier to face the unknown.

 

Take care of yourself