Background info(long)

[Netguy]

Ive been reading this board for a few months now and just started posting a day ago. So, I thought Id go ahead and share my story. There has been no "getting back together" yet, but since it's what Im hoping for, I thought Id put it here.

I met my ex two weeks after getting out of the military. She was well established financially and I was just starting college. So, I didnt contribute much financially.

For the first two years, everything was absolutely great, except for me. As some of you probably know, the military is very different from the civilian world, and I had alot of bad habits I had to break. The biggest one was a very short temper which led to alot of screaming on my part. I was also very distrustfull, which led to many false accusation on my part. After 3 years, she finally told me that I had to either seek help for my anger or she would leave me. I agreed and sought anger managment help. Unfortunately, the damage was done. Change is not an overnight process and she had run out of patience by that time. Add to that the frustration she already had about my finances, and it was not a good thing.

Right around the start of our 4th year together, she suddenly became very independent. She started hanging out with girls from work alot. Naturally, I became suspicious and accused her of being unfaithfull one night. We've only had contact once since then, and nothing final was said.

That was just over a year ago. Ive tried everything. Ive gone on dates, but never could muster up a second one with anyone. I even moved to another state. I still think about her constantly. We have mutual friends who I still talk to on occasion. They tell me that she has not been on a date and does not seem interested in doing it. She gets mad when someone brings me up,but she brings me up constantly on her own. So, I finally decided to try to get her back.

Im not really looking for advice, just looking to vent a little and give some background information.

[shorty20]

so you dated for 4 years, and have only talked once in the past year with no break-up conversation or closure? Thats hard. I took it hard when I was with someone for a few months and then things just abruptly stopped with no closure. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's good that you got help. I would not try to get her back until you are confident and financially stable. These are the things that turned her off and broke you guys up (as far as your post says) so before you try to get her back I would stabilize myself financially and make sure I have a hold on my anger problem. It may take something extravagent to win her heart back ( you could include your mutual friends and help them help you plan something that's a surprise). She still talks about you alot, which means she still thinks about you alot, which is a good thing. Take things slow, work on yourself, once you're ready try to get her back but keep in mind she might have already made up her mind... good luck, we're all rooting for you

[saltwatergirl]

Are you two in contact at all now? Have you tried going to her house and pleading your case?

 

Salt

[Netguy]

Thanks, Shorty. Always appreciate any support. I did complete my anger managment, she was with me for that. Not long after the last time we spoke(it was in March), I finished school. Since we hadn't spoken in two months by that time, I felt like I needed to get away, since everything there reminded me of her. So, I took a job in Dodge City(she lives in Colorado, so Im only about 3 hours away, really). So, the ironic thing is, everything she didn't like about me, as been changed since she left.

[Netguy]

Are you two in contact at all now? Have you tried going to her house and pleading your case?

 

Salt

 

 

I call her everyday at the same time. I know her schedule by heart(she's very maticulous about it). After work, she goes to the gym and is home by 7. I call her everyday at 8. Never answers. I send letters and cards about once a week. Im a little scared of going to her house unexpectedly. Not sure how she'd react to that.

[saltwatergirl]

It doesn't take much effort to make a phone call. And I think you are wasting your time with the letters and cards route. You need to do something more than that. It gives off the appearance that you are hiding behind something (phone, mail) and not really all that serious.

 

You could excuse your showing up unannounced by saying "Im sorry to barge in like this, I have tried calling but you never answer. Could we please talk?"

 

All she can do is slam the door in your face. And I doubt that is going to happen. You have tried everything else, why not just show up over there? This was once your girlfriend, it's not like you don't know this person. Are you worried about looking foolish or being rejected? Come on, if you care for her at all that won't stop you. Courage is a very endearing quality.

 

I don't know, your attempts seem a little skiddish and back-doorish to me. I'm not all that impressed.

 

Is this really love, or do you just like being a victim. Because you seem to love her from afar, but stop short of stepping up and fighting for her.

 

Salt

[Netguy]

Well, I was thinking more about my history of being very short tempered. I thought she might feel threatened or scared if I just showed up.

Also, while everyone tells me she's expressed no interest in seeing someone, they could be saying that to spare my feelings. Or, she could be keeping it from everyone(not likely, but possible). So, Im also scared of what I might see if I just show up unannounced. It seems kind of childish to not answer the phone, emails, or letters just because it's not enough to warrant a response. But, I do see your point. I guess there is such a thing as chivalry. Doing everything from 3-4 hours away doesn't do much for sweeping her off her feet. Thanks. As soon as I can get a day off of work, I think Im going to do just that!

[saltwatergirl]

It seems kind of childish to not answer the phone, emails, or letters just because it's not enough to warrant a response.

 

That's not the reason. She is likely thinking "this is just more of the same. More lines, more empty promises, etc". She has probably been advised to do No Contact as a way to heal, as she is doubtful of your sincerity. Can you blame her? Wouldn't YOU be skeptical?

 

Salt

[Netguy]

Ive never given her any reason to be skeptical, that I know of. But, seeing how she wont talk to me, there could be a reason that I dont know of.

Also, I can't exactly say "you haven't been answering your phone for a year, so I thought Id come over". I know her intention was to end the relationship. But, nothing else has worked.

Thanks, Salt. I really appreciate the advice. That's exactly what Im going to do.

Since I got all this great advice after saying "Im not looking for advice"(and it really is great advice), maybe I should tell her not to come back. See if that works.

[Hope75]

Ooooh see I have a totally different take on this than satwatergirl. Seeing as you had anger problems in the past and she hasn't responded at all to your attempts to contact her, I think that is a pretty clear indication that she is not interested in getting back with you.

 

I know that personally if I were in her shoes, and you had been trying to call me every day and sending cards every week and then you had the nerve to show up at my doorstep after I ignored all advances from you and hadn't spoken to you in so long, I would feel very threatened and would not answer the door, but instead call the cops.

 

I'm sorry friend, I can see that you really care for her and it sounds as though you worked hard to overcome your anger problem, but I think in this case it is just too little too late.

[Scout]

Well, I was thinking more about my history of being very short tempered. I thought she might feel threatened or scared if I just showed up.

 

I hate to say this - it seems you might be talking yourself into going up there - but if I were you, I would seriously reconsider and instead go with your first instincts (see your quote above).

 

You're right - she very likely will view you showing up on her doorstep with fear. It's one thing to be chivalrous and make a grand gesture when a one-time misunderstanding or screw up occurs. This is not such a case. You've been calling her every single day and writing her letters for a solid year - with no response. I am not sure if your temper ever included even the slightest bit of physical violence, but if not, your verbal temper was enough to really sever your girlfriend's commitment to the relationship once and for all, and her refusal to respond to you indicates she is scared of you, or at least, wants nothing else to do with you.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but I am trying to spare you further pain. I commend you for completing a anger management class - that took commitment and guts on your part. But it doesn't mean she owes you anything, and I am sure you know that anyway.

 

I fear if you show up on her door you are going to be really upset that it doesn't turn out well, and you might find yourself getting angry all over again.

[friscodj]

Yeah, it sounds like you need some sort of answer here as this situation seems to be holding your life up...I know how that goes...

 

Well, to get your answer, I'd approach this in steps. First, contact her, see how she responds. You've been doing this it sounds. What happened? How has she responded? What are her actions telling you? Look at this from an outsiders perspective. What does it look like to you? Be honest with yourself...

 

I think it is best for you to find and believe in an answer here either way. She's not the last woman you will meet but she was very special to you and you probably feel like all this was your fault. It takes two in a relationship and she was not perfect either. Also, she gave up on you, she quit on you. That shows a lot of her character. Can you imagine if you guys were married and ran into tough times? At least she showed this side to you now and not when you guys had a mortgage, kids, car payments, etc. You want a woman who will be there for you no matter what...

 

This woman also played a huge role in your life, helping you to see your anger issues. I think this was her ultimate purpose for being in your life. Now, you can continue to work on this and have way better relationship with way better women for you in the future. Someday I bet you thank her for this...

[Scout]

Frisco, I agree with most of your advice, but he did say in the beginning of his post that he screamed a lot at her. It seems she stuck with him for quite some time, to be honest, longer than many people might have. I'm not sure if I agree because she finally left that shows she has poor character.

 

Netguy, sometimes we really have to acknowledge to ourselves that the damage we did in a relationship is insurmountable. It seems to me if you really wanted the best for her, you would let her go. It's been a year and she's not responding. At some point, I suggest you respect her decision and leave her alone. Otherwise, I'm afraid your anger is in danger of getting triggered again, and you don't want to undo all your hard work.

[Netguy]

There was never anything physical, and I dont think she ever thought it would turn physical. She just got tired of me being angry all the time and yelling when it happened. That's solved now. That was a direct result of being a marine. Im proud to say that I am now an ex-marine(many say that there's no such thing). Im back to the way I was in that area.

Im not sure if any of you caught this, but the apex of the ordeal was when I accused her of being unfaithfull, but not in words that nice. It was almost an entire year after I had completed the therapy. But, while I was gung ho and very optimistic a few hours ago after reading Salt's advice, now Im not so sure. All of you make good points. I guess I have some thinking to do.

[Scout]

Well, you certainly do sound like you've managed to get a grip on your anger. You didn't react negativel/defensively to different opinions. I really hope you understand what a success you've pulled off by getting your anger under control. Not many people make the effort to even do so, much less actually overcome it.

[Netguy]

Thanks, but it wasn't really that big of an accomplishment. Just a matter of undoing the changes that were forced on me years before.

In other news; another day, another phone call, another message.

[Scout]

In other news; another day, another phone call, another message.

 

Yikes...you do realize after a solid year of doing this, many people would consider this stalking? Do you think all this is an ingrained habit at this point, and not so much about your actual feelings for her anymore?

 

What kind of message are you actually sending by calling someone every day for a solid year who is not responding back? To me, it seems like harassment, not love.

[Netguy]

Possibly. Never really thought about it. She's not the type to not say something if it's bothering her. She's the type to answer and say "stop ****** calling me" and call the police if it continues.

Besides, it hasn't been exactly 365 calls. There have been days that I just went to bed, and like I said, Ive had a few dates here and there.

Right now, I dont know. Today, I said that I wasn't looking for advice, but then I got some great advice, and then I got alot of advice that was the opposite of the first. So, Ive got some thinking to do.

[RayKay]

I think you have to stop calling her. If I were her, I would find that very disturbing to be honest. Don't you think if she really wanted to talk she would of picked up by now or....contacted you?

 

I also think it is keeping you trapped to her. Everyday basically you relive it by placing that call, you keep her in the "present" rather than moving to the future and putting it in the past.

 

The hardest step we take is to move forward, but it is also the best thing we can do for ourselves.

 

I am glad you have dealt with your anger, and gone through a program. That is very commendable. However, that does not mean that the ties with her can be redone. It sounds like after many years, she just lost the heart to continue on with you, and once that decision is made, it's very very rare you can regain those feelings because there is so much negativity, resentment pain there.

 

For these reasons, I also strongly am against you just showing up at her place.

[Netguy]

You all are probably right. But, knowing her, I really have a hard time believing it. Like I said, she's not the type to just let it go if it's bothering her. I know she's mentioned that I still call to a few mutual friends, and no one's said anything bad about it. Plus, Salt's advice sounds very enticing. But, at the same time, I dont know. Not real sure what Id say to her once I got there, anyway. Like I said, I have some thinking to do.

[saltwatergirl]

Well I disagree with the others, it happens.

 

In my opinion, if she felt "stalked" or uncomfortable in any way with the calls, she would have done something about it by now (change her number, threaten you with legal action, came out and told you to stop etc). The fact that she has not done anything at all souds like to her it isn't that big a deal, in fact she may like the attention. I wouldnt get caught up thinking you are harassing someone. If she feels harassed, she will let you know or do something about it. I really don't think that's the case, since she has done nothing to dissuade you.

 

DISCLAIMER: Dont get me wrong, Im not saying for men to just go calling and harassing people, and not stop until they take legal action. That isn't what I am saying. But this girl has not even so much as asked him to stop, sent word to him to stop, or done anything to dissuade him from his attempts. So, in that case I don't think it's being taken by her as 'harassment'.

 

Other than that, good luck!

[RayKay]

Is it any better though that he calls *almost" everyday at 7? Even if she does not feel harassed...do you think she has much respect for him if he has not moved on?

 

Have you considered too given his anger issues from the past that she feels if she confronted him he might get angry?

 

She can still feel harassed and fear actually doing anything about it.

[saltwatergirl]

Is it any better though that he calls *almost" everyday at 7? Even if she does not feel harassed...do you think she has much respect for him if he has not moved on?

 

Have you considered too given his anger issues from the past that she feels if she confronted him he might get angry?

 

She can still feel harassed and fear actually doing anything about it.

 

As far as her respect for him, I don't think we can gauge that very accurately. I probably wouldn't lose respect for someone if they haven't moved on...but others might. So I guess that depends on the person.

 

As far as her feeling harassed and fearing doing anything about it....I would think it was more logical that if she felt harassed, she'd either tell him to stop, email him, or send word to him through their mutual friends to stop. She hasn't done any of that. I don't think it's because she is paralyzed with fear.

 

This is just my take on it. I could be wrong.

 

All in all, I think it would be a good idea to see her face to face and talk to her....if at that time she expresses to you her lack of interest and you are given the signal to move on, then yes by all means, the phone calls must stop. Everything, at that point, would need to stop.

 

Salt

[Hope75]

I have to agree with RayKay on this one. I have been in a situation where an ex of mine just wouldn't let go after I broke it off. He called very frequently and I ignored him (this went on for months). I hoped that he would just take the hint, since I thought that breaking up with him (!) was a pretty big hint in itself. He wasn't violent, but he was very pushy (as evidenced by his continued unsolicited calls), and I had just had enough of him and didn't even want to talk to him long enough to tell him to knock it off. Frankly, I was pretty stunned he couldn't take a hint.

 

I get the feeling that if this girl wanted to speak with him or had any interest in it she would have called him back... God knows he left enough messages! This has been going on for over a year.... I think many may construe this as harassment.... I know I would.

 

I am more of the mind that she doesn't want to confront him, but isn't interested in even talking to him- or she would have already.

 

Netguy, I do not recommend you go and see her. She's already shown you she isn't interested in your advances. I think it's time to let this go for good.

[Netguy]

If anything, Im probably just a mild distraction. The phone rings, she deletes the message, goes back to her life. I just wonder if she's moved on, would she tell me to stop calling then? Im very scared that I might show up, while she has a "visitor" or when she's coming home from a date.Im not sure I could make the 4 hour drive back home.That would be devistating.