Moving in together!

[sugarmomma]

Okay so my boyfriend and I are finally moving in together.

 

If you have read any of my other posts, It has been a HARD , HARD road for us. However with lot's of commitment and some counseling we have managed to get to a point in our relationship were we want to take things to the next level and FINALLY move in together.

 

My boyfriend is moving in with me and my roommate. He will have his own room in the house. A room for him to escape to with his computer and music equipment. Of course he'll sleep in my room, but I thought it was important for him to have his own space.

 

Okay, Okay I'll get to my point.

 

This is my boyfriend's first time ever living with someone other than his parents. I have lived with two other men before. So I have some experience.

 

His parents are extremely opposed to us living together and have filled his head with all sorts of pre-programmed doubts. They have calmed down a tiny bit from when he first told them he was moving out. They aren't threatening suicide anymore which is good.

 

My question is does anyone have any good advice on moving in together? What to do and what not to do? I am worried this may be more traumatic for my boyfriend that I realize and I want to try and make it painless as possible.

 

Plus I would like to avoid making common mistakes

[RayKay]

I am a little concerned that this is the same guy whom has expressed he wants to be with other woman, and you have wondered whether swinging would be the answer....

 

That being said, well, it will be um..and adjustment if he has never lived on his own. Personally I kinda frown on moving in together when you have never had that experience on your own, because people often don't realize what is involved or the responsibilities. I have just seen it happen a few times where someone really has no idea what goes into it, no responsibility and slacks off. He can't hide in his room when it comes to paying bills or doing chores.

 

It is important you establish BEFOREHAND how you are going to distribute chores, bills, rent, and so forth. Not sure how it is at home, but if he is used to being "taken care of" there, he may expect it now. So, be sure BEFOREHAND to discuss this!

 

Also, make sure what your expectations are beforehand. For example, for me, I would NOT live with someone I also did not intend on marrying (my boyfriend is first one I have lived with) and while you can't guarantee the future, I would want to be with someone whom also felt similarly. Some use it to save on rent or escape home though so these can cause some conflicts.

 

Otherwise, make sure you both still have your own space, friends, hobbies - you will appreciate one another more and have more to bring to the relationship.

[chigal28]

Having lived with an ex-boyfriend for two years during our four-year relationship, and having a number of friends who are married or living with significant others, I would say that you already have one of the most important (in my mind) issues at the forefront: space.

 

When you're not living together, it's easier to ask for a night by yourself, to say you just want to relax and have some time alone, or to spend time with friends. When your boyfriend is living with you, it can be a more delicate balance. It's great that he has his own room for music, etc...I think if that's what you guys have talked about to tackle the space issue, then that's great.

 

Another thing is that while yes, he is your boyfriend, in some ways he's also now going to be like a second roommate. Meaning that you'll need to deal with "roommate issues" as or before they crop up. Who cleans the kitchen/bathroom/vacuums? Is it whoever gets to it first, or is there a schedule?

[sugarmomma]

yes, this is the same man who had expressed the interest in sleeping with other woman before. And that was something that took me a long time to get over, but I think he has come to terms with the fact that he traded a long list of sexual partners for a devoted and loving relationship.

 

We have talked about it and he says that the urge to experience something new has gone away. In fact the other day we were talking about problems in our relationship and he was talking about him being indian and his parents being so against our relationship. I brought up my concern about him being a virgin and he said " honey you don't need to worry about, I've gotten over, now you need to.

 

I am sure that it may surface again in the relationship somewhere down the future, but the issue of you're partner wanting to sleep with other people can surface anytime in a relationship regarless of how many people they slept with before you.

 

I actually wouldn't mind possibly swinging but whenever I suggest it , he says that he isn't interested. That he only wants to be with me right now. We are both aware that could change in the future on both of our ends, but instead of focusing on that we have decided to focus on the right now.

 

I really believe he wouldn't have suggested us moving in together if he was still interested in exploring being single and having sex with other people. I think he thought about it , really weighed his options and decided that what we have is more important that meaningless sex with strangers.

 

Maybe I am just fooling myself though

 

Anyway back to us moving in together...

 

He has lived on his own in college.

 

For the first year he lived in the dorms, the second year he shared an apartment with roomates and the third and fourth year he lived on his own in an apartment.

 

So I guess I meant this is the only time living with a girlfriend.

 

As far as him and my roommate, they get along REALLY REALLY well. We are all friends and my roommate is actually dating his best friend. My roommate and my boyfriend cook dinner for me together and will hang out and watch movie if I am busy doing something in another room.

 

The house is set up to where we ( me and my boyfriend) have the complete opposite end of the house then my roommate. She has her own bathroom and I have mine. Everyone has a TV in their room as well as a computer. So there is a lot of privacy for people living together. It's a four bedroom house and it is really big.

 

The only thing I am really worried about is cleaning. Although we are all really pretty clean and my roommate is good about doing specific chores if I ask her to. She is a really wonderful roommate.

[RayKay]

Ah, okay then, I thought he had not lived on his own - that makes it different!

 

Then I just stick to that "establishing the division of labour etc", "expectations" and "having own space and time to do your own thing as well as doing quality stuff together" points.

 

Good luck!

[sugarmomma]

Thanks Ray Kay! Those are good points!