How do we get confident??

[chigal28]

I'm hoping to get some genuine food for thought or courses of action here...how does a person learn to love themselves and be confident? I think that part of my problem in a lot of my relationships with my friends is that lately I'm needy, whiny and in constant need of reassurance. They all know I'm normally a fun, funny person, but for God's sake, my best friend in the city said last night she wants to make more friends, and I'm still depressed by that!! I feel like she's one of the only people I can always rely on here, and if she makes a ton of new friends, I'll be left behind.

 

I guess my question is, how do I suppress or better yet GET RID OF this constant chronic insecurity, enjoy the friendships I have, and maybe even make some new ones? Now that I'm finally in a relationship that I don't have to devote constant worry to, I'm transferring it to my friends, I think. ARGHHHH.

 

How do we learn to love ourselves, and be confident (at least outwardly)? I used to be able to project fake confidence like no one's business, but I'm sick of doing that. I want it to be REAL. How? I just want to be happy...

[Dako]

Make friends with yourself.

I always thought that was a lame concept until I did it.

[Alabama]

It takes time. Right now I'm just reading a self-confidence book for now. Really the only way to gain confidence is in experience of different things. There's no 100% remedy. I suggest have patience first, and some different ways to gain confidence: attend a class, read a self-help book, or a new experience may help.

[Lily04]

I just made a post about this. I'll copy/paste what I wrote to another poster here:

 

BUT beauty comes from confidence & inner strength and I think you should work on your inner beauty as well. You obviously lack confidence. that's why i asked you to think about your strengths... you can build on those & then you'll start to like yourself for that uniqueness. For me, it's my talent with writing & creativity. I also have a way of getting away with things/am incredibly diplomatic & do great presentations, so I got involved with student politics and am doing more work with that next year.....don't want to say too much with regard to that to give away my identity. BUT like.. you must have something!! even if it's personality traits... you seem modest & are maybe helpful in real life. Maybe you could help others in some capacity, through volunteering? Is there a sport you like?

 

Pursue whatever it is you love & have a passion for, and you'll start to see just how beautiful you truly are.

 

Hope that helped...but honestly confidence comes with time. If you're not going to work for it though and keep complaining and making posts like these...than I don't think that anyone can really help.

[Balbina]

I think it comes from self-acceptance.

 

Until you learn to look at yourself almost objectively and say "This is me in all my glory", you will always lack confidence. It's not about loving every aspect of yourself because we all have things we don't like about ourselves, but it's more about thinking : "Yes, there are some things I'd like to work on, but I am content with who I am right now".

 

Don't have unrealistic expectations and always play upon your assets. Focus on what makes you you and you'll be pleasantly surprised with how much you actually love yourself. As Dako says, make friends with yourself.

[Holiday]

Make friends with yourself.

I always thought that was a lame concept until I did it.

 

Such truth in simplicity. WOW - this is really deep!

[JJRadical]

i think self-love and self confidence are related but different...Dako's advice is good for self-love, i would add humility...self confidence comes from setting and achieving goals/learning new/enchancing existing skills...who are you Chigal28?

[chigal28]

Thanks for everyone's insights....I do know the concept of trying to be friends with myself, but I guess my question is, how? Do I take myself out to dinner and have a great conversation with myself? Not trying to be flippant, seriously, but it's kind of an abstract concept I'm trying to wrap my mind around.

 

Lily, I guess I kind of understand your point in saying that I can't just keep posting here and complaining, but the reason I'm posting is to get some more ideas for concrete things I can actually do; I feel like I've hit a wall, in a way. I have done a LOT of work on myself in the past few months, actually.

 

I started doing volunteer work about 3 months ago, which is rewarding; I'm working on having better relationships with my parents and sister and friends; I've been seeing a counselor for 3-4 months; I'm learning new skills (Italian and guitar) that I've always wanted to do. Hell, I've even written the first 10 pages of the childrens' book I've had in my head for years. But at this point I feel stuck, like none of that is actually working to help me accomplish what I want most: To love and validate myself, no matter WHAT anyone else says or thinks. It's not easy!! That's why I keep posting here....I'm doing FAR more than just complaining, believe me, but I feel like I must still be missing something...

[robowarrior]

I never had problems with confidence, i actually don't even know why people all make such a big deal of it. In order to be confident about yourself you need to love,believe and support yourself.

 

Lack of confidence = hesitation ,absurd fear, dying inside.

 

What is needed in life is not fear, nothing can grow from that ,

Cast off your fear!

Look forward!

Go forward!

Never stand still.

Retreat and you will age.

Hesitate and you will die.

 

Life is like a boxing game, fearing that you will get hurt is useless because you WILL get hurt, that's why you might as well go for gold in your life, and beat the hell out of your opponent which is life itself.

 

Negativity,hesitation,fear they all lead to nowhere, this is why you have to replace it with a more fatalistical approuch that with whatever you do in life, you will be willing to stick your hands into the fire to get thru.

[Haven]

It seems like you're depending on outside sources to tell you whether you should like yourself. Like, how you're doing new things with your life. Which is all very good, but loving yourself comes 99% from the inside. You can't just do a bunch of good deeds and hope that eventually your mind will just be like, "Hey, this is a cool person! I think I'm going to start liking myself!" You have to really believe that you're worthy of love.

 

Also, if you're letting what other people say/think determine your acceptance of yourself, that is not good. Your acceptance of yourself shouldn't rely on the acceptance of others.

 

I used to hate myself, and now I actually like myself. I've pretty much overcome that -- if some other people don't like me or think I'm a loser, I'm okay with that. Because I'm okay with myself, and that's all that really matters.

 

I'm not really sure what 'concrete' things you could do. Things that I did involved (a) writing in a journal to sort out my thoughts/feelings, (b) going through this major epiphany in which I basically realized that I needed to start liking myself to raise my self-esteem, I couldn't keep looking to other people for that.

 

LIke, my best friend has tons of friends. She has multiple best friends -- I only have her. She lives accross the country now. I used to feel "left behind". But now, I just see this as our choosing different paths in life. Would I want to be accross the country with a gazillion friends? No, because I'm fine with where I am and where I'm going.

 

I've stopped judging things from other people's eyes. Meaning, if I'm going to do something or say something, I won't first think about how other people will judge it. I'll just do what I want to do, and say what I want to say. If they judge that I'm a freak, then I wouldn't want to be hanging out with them anyway.

 

Those are just a few things.. I hope at least some of that helps you. Like I said it's all in the mind. Figure out why you don't love yourself, and work on changing the way you think about yourself.

[Terry Andrew]

In my opinion I really think is that confidence comes form two sources:

1. Internal

2. External

 

You have to learn about yourself, understand yourself and love your self in-order to be confident.

True Confidence comes from your inner strength, external sources only serve to boost it.

Inner strength comes from self-love and love of others.

 

Many of us think that in order to be confident we must achieve a social status: like having lots of money and power, a good career, good looks or something else. The fact is these things come from your inner strength, which, in turn creates confidence.

 

I think what i'm saying is similar to what haven has said but I'll add this last remark: I always believe in this motto "It's not your fault that you have problems in life, but it's your responsibility to do something about them"

 

And by doing something about them your showing confidence.

[reality_writer]

well for me.... I went out and did the one thing that absolutely scared me, and made me feel small, or not good enough to even tackle. It was tramatizing b/c at the time the people I had to meet with made me feel ugly & not good enough (so i was in a zero zone for confidence level) but... after it was all said and done.....I could see what caused my low self esteem and low confidence, and, I gradually overcame it. Going through it and then being able to look back and see just what made you feel what you felt, you can understand it, and move past it.

 

I'm generalizing just b/c you probably would have to experience something different than I, so generally speaking..... You can build your confidence by going out and doing the things that scare you.

[Lily04]

For me, I think the source of my insecurity & lack of confidence is my innate competitiveness. My dad & sister are really competitive too, so it may run in the family... I just compare myself to others a lot, even those in my family. And I recently realized that it is a source of concern for me because it makes me unhappy. In a way, it can be 'positive' in that I am not comparing myself with an unrealistic idea sometimes, but I will compare myself with my cousin/sister & since I am thinner than them I will use that to reassure myself that i'm not 'fat'. but then... when I compare myself with models/actresses, etc. I start to feel insecure again. And what if they lose weight? (my sister recently gained weight, she is usually thinner than I.) Will I suddenly lose that confidence again? My self-esteem shouldn't be tied to that of others. I shouldn't feel happy when my own family member looks less attractive than me just so I can gain confidence in my own appeal. But it's just this competitive drive within me that fuels it, and I don't like that.

 

I need to figure out how to be content with MYSELF without comparing myself to others. And it is tough. Just today I ate pizza for the first time in... a long time because of an office party at work. I felt very hesitant about doing it & felt guilty the rest of the day. But I eventually came to accept my choice to eat it... I still feel a bit guilty, but I took a quiz on the internet on your 'health consciousness' and got the highest score. So I really have no need to be concerned about my weight/healthiness... but I still feel like I'm not healthy enough because i'm not as thin as other people... and I still see myself as fat.

 

I think it will be a gradual thing for me, and I will see a nutrionist/therapist about it....but yeah. Just an illustration of one source of unhappiness and the struggle to overcome it. For me, it's really my weight even though I am technically below my 'ideal' weight now. I just should be happy with myself but the only way I seem to gain it is by comparing myself with others... I think the secret to happiness is to remove competition and even the great philosopher Bertrand Russell lists that as one of the sources for happiness. so there you go... just figure it out & work to solve it. I'm sure it can be done... but as you see, sometimes it takes time and baby steps it is.