What could it be? (long)

[mamy123]

Hi again! So it's been about 3 1/2 weeks since my ex stopped talking to me, 2 1/2 weeks since he "officially" called it quits. I've been thinking a lot, like everyone else who's been dumped. What happened? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Were we as happy as I thought? WILL HE COME BACK?? That's the main one I want the answer to. I'm going to post my story again, I've never posted the whole thing together, just bits and pieces.

 

We had been dating almost a year, and everything (I thought) was going great. Of course we had some down times, but overall it was great! I'd never had anyone stimulate me on every level possible. Intellectually, emotionally, sexually, etc. And I know he felt the same. From our first date, it was awesome. I ended up spending the whole weekend with him. After that, we saw each other every weekend, except when he was out of town on business, took long weekend trips together, and even a week here and there. We live an hour apart, so weekends were all we had. Phone calls and e-mails almost everyday too. About 6 months into the relationship, I had asked him if we could start seeing each other during the week more often. He said, "I don't have time during the week to drive an hour one way to see you. That's when I do everything I normally do on the weekends so I have them free to spend with you." I persisted. He said maybe we weren't right for each other, since I wasn't understanding that he spends all his free time with me, and I wasn't appreciating what he could give. So, I backed off. After all, I'm pretty busy during the week too, and really can't hang out either. Weekends are the only free time I have too. And he works for the government, and doesn't have much choice when he has to travel to work on projects. So, I decided that it's about quality not quantity of time together and just tried to appreciate and enjoy the time we did have together. And that was fine, it honestly was enough for me once I thought about what he had explained to me.

 

From the beginning we adored each other. He had told me that "I was getting better and better every day", "I'm more impressed by you the more we're together" and we talked about the future. Not specifically OUR future so much, but what we each wanted for ourselves, and we agreed on most everything. He had met my family and friends, he talked to his family about me (they live overseas so I couldn't meet them), etc. We had the same interests, views, values, morals, etc.

 

Anyways, things have been a little tense lately, the last couple months. I've had this cloud of anxiety hovering over me, ever since I found out I need surgery to remove an ovarian cyst. I've never had anything done to me before, not even stitches. So I didn't, and still don't, know what to expect. The anxiety and (I strongly feel this to be true) birth control pills I had been taking really made me tense, insecure and needy. I haven't felt like the fun, laid back, drama-free person I was when we first started dating. I was edgy, irritable, unappreciative, melancholy, demanding, NEEDY & INSECURE!! I started to really lean on him. Demanded more of his time, time he didn't have. I was being unreasonable to expect him to drop all his responsibilities to tend to me. But he still did what he could to comfort me. Gave me everything he had to make me feel better, but I could tell it was draining him. So what did I do? Pulled him closer and wanted more time! I panicked when I felt him pull away. So instead of giving him space to deal with things on his own, I ended up pushing him away. I made him feel like I was totally dependant on him to make me happy, and that's not healthy!!

 

So now for the break up. It was the first weekend in June, we were hanging out as usual. Except I was especially upset. I had just had my pre-op appointment. 2 hours of getting poked and examined, and told about all the risks involved with my surgery. The doctors even said I should discuss power of attorney and organ donation with my family. I was particularly unresponsive to his cheering me up, so he stopped trying. Of course this made me even more insecure, and when he told me that he wouldn't be able to make it to the hospital because he had to travel for work, I had a nervous break down! It really had nothing to do with him having to travel, it was more everything that was bottled up inside me. Still he comforted me and said he cared about me. I think it really scared him though, because even though I apologized, he stopped talking to me. The whole week after, I was a mess! Calling him crying and leaving voicemails. Sending text messages and e-mails: "Are you mad at me?" "What did I do?" "Are we broken up?" "Do you still care about me?". I'm actually embarrassed just thinking about how I acted! It was like I was a lost child. UNATTRACTIVE!!

 

At the end of the week, he sent me THE E-MAIL. Basically it said that he had been thinking all week about his life and what he needs to do. He said that I'm a nice woman, he doesn't want to hurt me, but we're not a good match. He thinks I need someone with me ALL the time. He feels like nothing he does is enough to make me happy. That if I really think about it, I'm not going to be happy with him and his life. But he still wanted to remain friends. I e-mailed him a couple times explaining that I've never been happier, and that this is a temporary phase I'm going through. No answer. I explained my bad behavior and that we should give this another chance. Nothing! So I stopped! Gave him space. Then I broke down and left him a mean voicemail message (boo for me!).

 

I waited a couple days and e-mailed him saying "I hate how we ended things, I'd still like to come out of this as friends if possible." I regret that, because I DON'T want to be FRIENDS!! I want a RELATIONSHIP! But I sent it, because I honestly didn't think I'd hear from him again and I really didn't want things to end the way they did.

 

This, he replied to. He said that he'd still like to be friends, he's just been very busy with work the past couple weeks. He said that he was sorry things ended the way they did. He said again "You need someone that can be there and be around you more often. I know the way my life goes, it's just going to hurt you and make you upset every time I'm not there." And he also said he'd try to come see me in the hospital if he gets back from his trip in time.

 

Now comes the part where I ask what to do. If he's telling me the truth, that the reason he thinks we're not good together is because he thinks I'm hurt and upset when he has to travel for work, and I've told him that his traveling is NOT an issue for me, why wouldn't he want to try again? I've told him that lately I've been like this because of all this anxiety I've been carrying and that once this surgery is over I'll be back to normal. I honestly am ok with his traveling, it gives me time to do other things I want to do. I came to terms with it the first time we talked about it. I guess the way I've been lately is what he thinks and remembers. It seems like he's making this decision based on how HE thinks I feel about the situation. I don't know how I can be any clearer that I AM OK WITH HIS WORK AND TRAVELING AND THIS IS A PHASE. Does he not believe me? Or is he maybe not being entirely honest with me? I was thinking of suggesting we start things up slowly and see what happens. Does it sound like he's totally closed the door on us? I'm willling to try the friends thing, to show and remind him of the person I was, and still am, when he first met me. But if there's absolutely no chance in this, I don't want to settle for friends.

 

Sorry so long, but thanks to anyone who made it through this! Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'll be glad to clarify anything that's confusing.

[Netguy]

Why dont you try explaing it to him the same way you did in your post? Be very adament about how your are not bothered by his work schedule. He seems to be the type who wants a very independent woman. So, you need to show him that you can be that. But, if that's totally not you, then dont do it. If he comes or calls after your surgery, that would be a perfect time to discuss it with him.

[friscodj]

Well, I have some thoughts:

 

1) You seem to have most of this figured out already! You gave a good accurate assessment on a lot of what was going on in your post.

 

2) I know you have a lot going on right now, and all of this was a good test for you guys, albeit early in the relationship. Again, it comes down to timing. A lot of relationships don't work out because of that. And timing being out of our hands, I believe this thing wasn't meant to be.

 

4) So what can you do? You want this guy back. Don't try to be "friends" with him. I have been "this guy" before and once the mind is made up, it is made up, and this is done. If you did get back together, the whole dynamic of the relationship will change. You will be in the position of trying to prove yourself to him. He, already being "gone" emotionally, will probably not put much if any effort into this, it will be one-sided with you doing all the work. It will wear you down and you won't recognize your life anymore because it will be focused on him. Been there, done that, and got the tattered and soiled T-shirt...

 

I'm so sorry, these endings are really hard to accept. But...

 

You've got bigger fish on your plate right now other than relationships! You're having surgery and should work to get your pharmaceutical situation figured out and get your mental state back in balance. Figure that out and then worry about having a relationship perhaps...

 

And of course there are plenty of guys out there who will be a better fit for you and be there for you when you want them to!

[saltwatergirl]

Hmmm. I can kind of relate to this predicament. I once (for various reasons I won't go into) started to head trip on someone, became clingy, random verbal attacks, accusations, and the like. Totally not what I ever intended to do! But I did it! Ack!

 

Somewhat in retaliaton to things he had done, and somewhat due to hormonal imbalance I've experienced (am experiencing). Deadly combo.

Plus, I am the emotional type. Are you? If so, you'll have to find a really strong man, one who considers your momentary "fits" with a grain of salt, maybe even offers up humor. One who can learn to start sentences with things like "now babe, don't get upset........" Some of us just are a ball of fire but can be kept in check, it's all in the way we are approached/dealt with.

 

I think, though, that there was a "root problem" with my situation and instead of dealing with that issue (which is what I am doing), I just tried to pretend it wasn't there anymore and ended up "reacting" badly to things. Anything really. I couldn't reach him (could have been showering but, no matter), it appeared he didnt make time for me (may have had a good excuse, again who cares right), the sun came up 2 minutes later, whatever. I was just an emotional tangle and I was "fighting" it instead of just really dealing with the root of our problem. Because my capacity for dealing with things had been diminished (hormones and the retaliation factor/root problem), I overreacted to things, much like what you appear to have been doing. Simply put, I wasn't myself.

 

I finally had to admit what it was that was REALLY bothering me, to myself. It hurt. But I had to really face and accept the root problem. Then proceed to try and overcome it, not for him or "us' but for myself. Things that go left undone will eat you alive. You become this head trip person, trying to pretend something doesn't bother you anymore (ego-driven maneuvar) that in fact really does. Not good. Anyway. back to you........

 

In your case, the surgery and female issues, I am sure you are a hormonal roller coaster. This is understandable.....to me. Maybe not to him. Also face it, he doesnt seem to be around all that much. Physially/emotionally. Combine those two things and the lid was bound to pop off at some point. He has misread your actions. He doesnt appear to be interested in considering the possiblity that ISN'T "you need someone all the time". That to me is important. But anyway, I think the best approach here is to carefully take a step to ask for another chance...like netguy said, explain as you did here.

 

HOWEVER, let me caution you about something. Is it REALLY just a head trip, or are you REALLY needing more than he appears willing and able to give? I mean really think on that. He sounds emotionally and physically unavailable. Can you really live with that? Some of us can't.

 

Make sure you aren't just reacting to the initial sting of this thing. If you are sure you aren't, and that you just haven't been yourself lately, then proceed. But there is nothing wrong with accepting the fact that yes, you do want/need certain things, and this guy isn't footing the bill.

 

No more emails sent in a frenzy!! When I would have the urge to send a mean nasty I Hate You email, I would type that sucker up and I really let it all out, and then I send it to MYSELF. The next day I re-read it. ACK some of the things I might have sent!! GAWD help me, I'm so glad I did not. He would have thought I meant it!!!! Nothing worse than hormone-induced emails.

 

Salt

[Goldfish6888]

Basically as a woman - I want someone who is there for me in a relationship - someone who is my best friend - who when I'm sick - will emphathise, when I'm happy - will congratulate - when I'm sad - will put their arms around me. Likewise I'm willing to give this back to someone. I've found in the past, I'm the one doing all the legwork and I'm the one fitting into someone else's schedule. This guy wants a weekend girlfriend. I guess, in a relationship, we have to be ourselves, if thats an emotional hormonal wreck....if he loves you...he will understand and still love you. The people who are happily married will tell you about all the rows and screaming matches they had whilst dating, but they still got it together. I guess in your scenario, all you can do is go NC and see if he ever comes back.

I did that with my exb/f two years ago and now he is married. But it did give me the time to heal myself and time to date others. I hope your operation goes well. Wishing you all the best with it! Let us know how you get on!

[mamy123]

Thanks everyone! He has been totally there for me emotionally and physically as much as his schedule lets him. Like I explained (or tried to) to my friends, I don't want someone who's always around but doesn't make me happy. I want the man I fit with and who has given me everything he had to make me happy, even though his work responsibilities haven't exactly made that easy. I feel like he just got emotionally drained and didn't think he's the one to make me happy because I wan't able to show it at the time. He's made me so happy! Everything he did for me, he'd say "Are you happy? I just want to make you happy!" Of course my bad mood and panic attacks lately have probably given him the impression that I'm not happy with him.

Even up to the last weekend we were together, he was the one initiating all the affection, since I was being Pouty McPouterson all day! I just hope there's still a little spark and if and when he sees that I was right about this being temporary, he'll want to give things another chance, slowly!

 

Anyways, I'm having surgery this morning. I'm actually more relieved and of course a little bit nervous! I'm just glad this will all be over soon and I can get back to being myself again!! It's been like a black cloud hanging over me, and it'll soon be gone! Yay!

[rnorth]

Hi mamy:

 

Good luck and speedy recovery! Take care of yourself and your health first. Try not to put him at the center of your being; I think he will naturally be involved particularly if you back off but it really is your choice and if he wants you back its him who needs to win you back not vice versa.

 

But first thing is first. Big prayers for you and speedy recovery! Please let us know ASAP when you are able to get to a computer again how you are doing.

[friscodj]

He has been totally there for me emotionally and physically as much as his schedule lets him.

 

Has he though really? I can tell you, if my g/f is in the hospital having surgery, schedules be dammed, I'll take off work, call in sick, reschedule the meeting, whatever and be there for her.

 

Don't make excuses for this guy! It's about priorities here and it sounds like this relationship was one of convenience for him...

[saltwatergirl]

These people are right. You keep justifying things by adding "when he can" and "when his schedule allows". Why? When we make something a priority, it is a priority. And who is in charge of his priorities? Him! I agree with the other poster, he wants a weekend girlfriend. Been there done that.

 

I think your emotional frenzy is the result of both your physical ailment and his lack of substance. I think you should really take a look at how much you are put on the back-burner.

 

PS: He should be there for a surgery! I'd be interested to see if he even calls and checks on your condition today.

 

Salt

[friscodj]

I'd be interested to see if he even calls and checks on your condition today.

 

Oooooo good point. I believe a decent person, even if an "ex", would at least send a quick email or e-card for your well-wishes.

 

I mean, we talk of priorities here, health and life vs. death take priority over the relative silliness of relationship games...

[mamy123]

Thanks everyone! My surgery went great, aside from some side effects from the anesthesia that have kept me in bed...

Under other circumstances, I'd agree with you about the "weekend girlfriend" thing. But of course, you guys weren't there. It honestly didn't feel like that was the case for us.

 

So, I talked to the ex on the phone after my surgery and I'm not sure how to proceed with this:

 

I kept the conversation light and fun. Asked him how work was going, told him about my surgery, even a little flirting and joking back and forth. That went on for about 15 minutes before I gave in to the "relationship talk". I asked him if we could talk about what happened. He repeated why he thinks we aren't good together, he thinks I need someone around me all the time. I said, "I don't know how more clearly I can say to you that your traveling is not an issue for me." He seemed kinda iffy and unsure. I then started saying that I was actually glad he couldn't be there for my surgery. I told him that if he had been there, I don't think I would have been able to let him leave the hospital without freaking out. Being forced to do this "on my own" proved to me that I am stronger than a lot of people, including myself, give me credit for. Then I turned the conversation back to light stuff and ended it first. The whole convo lasted about 30 minutes.

 

So, what should I do next? He seems kind of unsure. Still seems to want to stay in contact with me. I'm thinking of sending him an e-mail in the next couple days saying something like:

 

I don't know how many other ways I can tell you that I don't need or want someone around me all the time. You're basing your decision on the way I've been the last couple months while we've both been stressed out. You either don't believe me, or you're not being totally honest with me. We could start things up again slowly and see what happens. What we had was very special to me, but if you don't feel the same way, nothing I say is going to change your mind. I don't think we can remain friends. I won't settle for that when I want a relationship from you. Let me know what you decide.

 

So guys, let me know what you think!! In other matters, things are looking up for me!! I just got a 12% raise at work, my spinal headache is fading, and I'm trying to plan a wine tasting trip for me and some friends! I'm also planning to get certified in scuba this summer, something my ex wanted me to do, but I've also wanted to do since I was little. Yay!

[mamy123]

So my ex and I had a long talk and we're going to try to work things out! Any advice on getting and staying together?

[mikeca]

All I can say is make sure you've exercised the demons of the old relationship... think of it as a new one, maybe read some relationship books.. theres a few superdave has suggested