Angstyboi Posted June 28, 2006 Share Posted June 28, 2006 Hey guys, first post. Since my break up with my "first love" weeks ago, I've been smashed. I am a very nice, pacimistic person who wouldn't want to hurt anyone. My ex has changed over the months that we've been going out(almost a year) and it took a turn for the worst. She would compliment me during our relationship saying I'm someone who can't ever be compared to, I'm so great, so beautiful but yet she had no problem finding 2 kids she holds over me (one in particular who she would go out with and not me again) now. Yesterday I was enraged because we had been "friends", she would still grab at my hand to hold it when we hung out, locked arms, even kissed me...and yesterday I asked her basically who she'd rather go out with, mind you this kid has done nothing for her(care for her, buy her food, cloths, etc. like I do) and she says him. I got angered, yelled at her, cursed at her but I broke and talked to her later to apologize. She then turned it around, when I was trying to talk to her(and she does this often now) she makes sarcastic remarks to make me angry and just break me down more then I just started crying. I love the girl so much but does she even care? Does she even miss me? Does she really think I'm not the "right" one if she was so happy in our relationship? I don't get what I should do, now she's the one who is mad at ME and I accept that and I'm the one to say sorry...She was never this bad, I don't know how to get rid of her, I still love her so much. Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted June 28, 2006 Share Posted June 28, 2006 Hey after reading your post it seems to me that the best thing that you can do is move on - easier said than done i know but believe me things can only get better by doing this. I also split from my ex two months ago but the pain is getting less and i am feeling a lot stronger. I can only advise you to do the same. Do complete NC - dont try to contact her or anything, maybe she will get the message and leave you alone. I know you still love her, i still love my ex despite the way he treated me and its not easy to get over them but you need to put yourself first. I know it may not seem like it at the moment but you will find someone who will love you back and treat you with the respect that you deserve - you just have to believe! Link to comment
Angstyboi Posted June 28, 2006 Author Share Posted June 28, 2006 Thank you for the response, lilac. No communication is hugely hard for me. I was hoping I and her can get back together if she would feel "guilt" and finally feel remorse but I don't know. I would like to stay her friend since she is constantly saying that i'm the most important thing in her life still and the feeling is mutual. There're things that are planned for the summer that she still wants to do, etc. I faced her with the idea of just cutting off communication, no friendship, etc and she broke out in tears. Obviously she cares, and I care just as much, if not more. I would like to be there to guide her, she's extremely confused. I know it's a poor excuse but I can tell. I hate to ask but are there any ways of staying close and being able to cope at the same time? Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted June 28, 2006 Share Posted June 28, 2006 I can understand where you are coming from - you have shared a lot of special moments together so it is understandable that you dont want to cut her off completely. As far as staying close and being able to cope at the same time is concerned, im not sure about that. I guess that depends on you entirely. I think it is upto you to set the boundaries there of how 'close' you want to stay with her without setting yourself up for more pain. Link to comment
Angstyboi Posted June 28, 2006 Author Share Posted June 28, 2006 I suppose I can treat her like a "best friend" but I have been treating her like a girlfriend/best friend and she said that she likes it better like this because I'm a "better friend". That annoyed me because the only reason she is enjoying this is because it's like having a boyfriend without the committment so I got mad at that too. As far as treating her, how should I go about it? That's the real question. It's a very general question, maybe there're ways of treating her that will spark her to know that "wait, this is what it's like for him to treat me like a friend and not a girlfriend?" Link to comment
InHiding Posted June 28, 2006 Share Posted June 28, 2006 I was hoping I and her can get back together if she would feel "guilt" and finally feel remorse but I don't know. Do you really want someone to be in a relationship because they feel guilty? Link to comment
Angstyboi Posted June 28, 2006 Author Share Posted June 28, 2006 Well I really didn't mean it that way, my fault enirely. I meant that I hope that one day she'll feel the guilt for what she is putting me through now and hopefully will spark her to realize that yeah she was happy. She is feeling no remorse, or at she shows none. It's like when we're on the phone, she is filled with bitterness. She see's me, and it's like "hold me...". Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted June 28, 2006 Share Posted June 28, 2006 I think she is a bit confused about what she wants and i think you should stay clear of getting back with her. I feel it will be better if you do keep your distance a little bit to avoid getting hurt because it seems to me like she is using you. Be there for her if thats what you really want but i suggest you put yourself first as well or you will be setting yourself up for another fall. Link to comment
Angstyboi Posted June 28, 2006 Author Share Posted June 28, 2006 Yeah I thought she was using me too, but then I thought of something else...maybe she is afraid of committment and wants me there to as if nothing happened(except for the fact that the committment is gone). I will give her time and I hope that her early answers like "no I will not be going out with you again" are all false, because who can say right?... I will take care of her but it will hurt when I see her and another boy together. She did have another boy after me and it didn't work out at all, now she likes his brother but he doesn't like her. I see bad things will happen to her and I fear it but maybe it's a learning experience for her. But as far as helping her...how? Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted June 28, 2006 Share Posted June 28, 2006 Well...i think just being there for her and listening to her is all you can do really. Dont let her become dependent on you though because that will end up bad for the pair of you. Of course it will hurt when you see her with another bloke but time is a great healer and maybe this is how long you two were meant to be together for - remember everything happens for a reason. Chin up - you will be okay. If i can do it, anyone can! If you ever need someone to talk to then you can PM me - im happy to listen Link to comment
Angstyboi Posted June 28, 2006 Author Share Posted June 28, 2006 Thank you indi, and it is very hard for several reasons. But in general it's really hard and I have made many mistakes so far and I don't want to continue doing so. If anyone would like to catch me on AIM or MSN messengers, I am fine with that, I take all of the "company" I can get. Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted June 28, 2006 Share Posted June 28, 2006 It is human to err JJ - but the best thing is to learn from it and move on. I have made mistakes too regarding my ex but i have learned from them and that is the main thing. If you dont want to continue making these mistakes then you need to get some discipline on yourself - i know its not as easy as it sounds but it will benefit you in the long run. I have kept strict NC regarding my ex but he keeps contacting me but i have stood my ground and i feel good about it - it shows i am strong. How you go about things is entirely upto you - do what makes you happy and live for yourself. Link to comment
Angstyboi Posted June 28, 2006 Author Share Posted June 28, 2006 Hehe I'm not really a person who thinks of myself alot of the time. But I'll think about both of us, do what she wants, do what I want, etc. Hopefully she'll do the same. NC is really really hard for me, just the mention of it gives me goose bumps. It's too hard for me now, what can I say? You're a really strong person, Indi. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted June 29, 2006 Share Posted June 29, 2006 Just staying her friend in the hopes of her cming back to you in a situation like this is a terrible idea. See it all the time on here and it never works. What I do see is guys who think they're making progress towards getting back together only to find out that one of these other guys has caught her interest for real and then he's left broken and hurt 100x worse. Your plan will not work. She's interpreting you accepting a friendship with her as a sign that you don't care about her. Think about it, if you really cared so much about her, why would you accept being her friend and being cool with her liking other guys? Not the actions of someone who really cares. That's how it's coming accross to her. So do this, be honest with her and yourself. Come clean with her and let her know you only want to have a relationship with her and nothing less will do. It's too hard for you to see her with all these other guys and you're not willing to put up with it. If she's not on board with the idea, it's time for NC and then she'll know you're for serious. Time to look out for yourself buddy, cause her actions show that she surely is NOT concerned how this is affecting you or how you'll end up. Link to comment
rachel1256 Posted June 29, 2006 Share Posted June 29, 2006 I'm sorry she is doing this to you. You sound like a great person, who does not deserve this from her, or anyone. My advice would be to back away from her, and let her do what she feels she "has to do." If she truly loves you, she will realize what she has given up, and treat you with respect and not play with your emotions. If she doesn't, than you know what? Time heals all wounds, and there will be a girl out there you will meet who will love and appreciate you, and treat you with love and respect back. Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted June 29, 2006 Share Posted June 29, 2006 Hey JJ - i only recently become strong lol, you dont want to know the state i was in 2 months ago. But you will be fine, it hurts a lot at first but the pain will fade eventually. Just take care of you - chill out and enjoy each day as it comes and you never know the right girl will come along - you just have to be patient - good luck! Link to comment
redandblack Posted June 29, 2006 Share Posted June 29, 2006 I really can't stress to you how true this is. If you stick around, you will be hurt by her, by the men she dates, and her eventual devaluation of you. Show her you are strong and independent. Show her that you love her too much to watch her be with other men. Link to comment
Angstyboi Posted June 30, 2006 Author Share Posted June 30, 2006 I see the logic in it and I know it's what I should do. She said she won't be dating for a long time seeing as though she doesn't know what she wants. When she does get a new boy, and I warned her, that I will cut off communication at that point because it'd be too hard for me. She says that that only makes it more imperitive that she doesn't get a new boyfriend, lets see how true that is. But point is, until then I'll be her "friend" and still care, because I am showing her that even when she was a hurtful person, I still stood up strongly and cared for her. Gives me self satisfaction as well anyway Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 hey keep up with that positive attitude - its good you know what you want. good luck with everything! Link to comment
swifty335 Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 man i am in almost the same exact situation it really blows its happened too many times too i think ill follow some of this advice too Link to comment
Angstyboi Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 It's a very common thing I'm sure. She is so misguided, it's not even funny. I want to help her and I do want to get back together with her but...unless I can get through to her and tell her to stop being silly on some things, like she wants to go to a rave now, get an eyebrow piercing(which I guess is fine) but I have a feeling she's doing it to look more attractive. Should I let her just do what she wants(I really think her new friends have a hand in it) or try to convince her that there're other things in life to be doing and having fun with. I know alot of people think "let her do what she wants" but should I at least warn her that if she does that, I introduce her to NC? Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 i think you are playing with fire. do you want to do down that road again? you cant stop her from doing what she wants.i think you should just leave her to it or you will get hurt again but the choice is entirely yours. good luck Link to comment
Angstyboi Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 Yeah I already considered that. But looking at her the same would be a little hard if she were to go to a rave. The least I can do is say "NC if you do" right? We'll see what is really more important to her. Going to a silly rave or keeping me here. Link to comment
redandblack Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 IWhen she does get a new boy, and I warned her, that I will cut off communication at that point because it'd be too hard for me. It doesn't matter because she wont need or really want you at that point. She will have someone who she will be completely infatuated with. You'll be an old rag to her if you do 'NC' at that point. Link to comment
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