Bust Problems Anyone?

[hazeleyed]

I am a little upset right now because I have been having conflicts with my mother. I have been shopping for clothes and that is where conflict starts. I am a girl who has a heavy bust and when I wear these tight shirts it clearly shows. Now my question is, if I have a heavy bust its not my fault so why does my mom have a problem with me wearing a tight shirt? She always has a way of making me feel like crap after trying these clothes on.

 

Honestly, it just makes me feel bad about having one and everytime I try liking my body I have a reason to hate it. My mom just makes me really angry and then when I start talking back she starts telling me how I have an attitude problem and how I just want everyone to praise me and this and that. When has this woman ever praised me? No one has ever said "oh you are beautiful". I have learnt from myself that I am a good lookin girl and from the experiences I have had. So where does this let her think that I just want praises and I have an attitude problem?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hazel - I'm sorry you're mum made you feel bad! I have one of those kinds of mum's too!

 

Did you not get your upper chest figure from her? Cuz it sounds like she's jealous. I'm totally jealous of my daughter! I would never say anything to make her feel bad about the way she looks, but I have some beautiful girls and I am going to be totally jealous when they're teen-agers and young women.

 

Sounds like the classic bully scenario to me tho. Where she wants you to feel as bad or worse than she does so she says hurtful things???? Maybe?

[RayKay]

I think she has her own self esteem issues so takes it out on you personally, or maybe she just worries about attention you may get. Or, she has deeper reasons.

 

My mother for example tends to call my sister "hippy" - my sister is quite curvy but definitely a healthy weight and thinner. She does not mean it maliciously, I think just because they have similar body types she worries my sister may be more prone to gaining weight as she was (she is thin now but had weight fluctuations in her 30's). My sister and I are basically the same weight/height, but she tells my sister she needs to work out more, and she tells me I am too thin and need to work out less....lol. Mum's are strange that way! And she has NO problem, she regularly gets acting work where you are judged on things like that and is very attractive. I think though my mum does it as she is concerned my sister does not eat healthy enough or take care of herself enough, but she expresses it a little...badly.

 

I had an ex whom near the end of our relationship told me as we were out having tea that I always showed my boobs. I too am busty, for my frame at least, and so my boobs would show no matter what (unless I was wearing sweaters 8x too big for me or something!). I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had heard considering there are many times in my life I wish I COULD hide them more! Basically though, he was a bit of a prude...lol....and was really strange about things like sex/sexuality.

 

It's better to brush things like this off, and realize it reflects more on issues the person saying them has, then you.

[hazeleyed]

Hi Ta_ree_saw,

 

I dont know why she does what she does. I just heard her telling my sister that shes honest and i have issues. She continued saying that if your sister is fat then shes fat...if shes ugly shes ugly...i dont need to lie.

 

No one is as heavy as me. I started developing the chest when I was on Birth control to regulate my periods. I dont think its jealousy I dont know what it is...shes really hurting me by saying stuff like this.

 

I feel ugly..everytime i try to lift myself up some thing always happens that makes me go right back in the gutter.

[hazeleyed]

RayKay:

I understand what you mean but sometimes its really hard to especially since your self esteem is down in the gutters and your holding on to a last thread. As I spoke to you previously about weight I am really trying to lose it. I feel like I am ugly as hell now because my mom just came upstairs telling my sister how "if ur sister is fat den i will call her fat" if she is ugly then i will call her ugly"....I want to go back to university..i hate living at home.

[Holiday]

I'm long-legged and love skirts, sometimes really short skirts. Why? I don't know. I just like them. If you feel more comfortable in something, then by all means wear it. But know that you are under the rules of the house and some day you will be able to make decisions for yourself.

 

I think many busty women wear tight tops and I don't know if the reasons are subconsciously the same as mine for wearing skirts/skorts. Who knows.

[RayKay]

I think your mom is terribly cruel for saying things like that honestly. I am sure if it was the other way around she would not be so "pro" honesty.

 

It is terribly unsupportive and cruel. I agree with Ta Ree Saw that it may be jealousy. If you are trying to lose weight, you may find those whom do not want you to "change" (aka become the "better looking one") will try to hamper your efforts by using such emotional taunts/attacks to keep you stuck. Don't let her do that.

 

Is there any way you can move out of there earlier?

[hazeleyed]

Its not about wearing tight tops or lose tops...its about creating this enviornment for me that when I do ever wear them I will always have this fear that maybe I am looking ugly?

 

It hurts when your own mother calls you ugly and says your fat...I guess I am fat and ugly...

[Holiday]

I should add my mom always dressed me ultra-conservatively and tried to make me the "smart" one while raving over the looks of my sister. Parents are sooo funny about things. I think sometimes they differentiate between children by creating roles for them. Anyway, this is a major tangent.

[hazeleyed]

RayKay: My moms never had an issue with jealousy. Shes an attractive women herself...maybe I am just not good looking for the family...maybe i can never be a good daughter. maybe I am just too ugly.

[hazeleyed]

Carolineq: my sister wears tight tops, my mother even bought her a mini skirt...but it was always the opposite with me. I could never wear tank tops, or tube tops...

 

but recently i heard my mom wanted to get my sister a tank top...lol

[RayKay]

RayKay: My moms never had an issue with jealousy. Shes an attractive women herself...maybe I am just not good looking for the family...maybe i can never be a good daughter. maybe I am just too ugly.

 

No, you aren't!

 

Even attractive women can be jealous Sometimes they can be more so as they need others to be "less attractive" to seem more attractive. Regardless, if this is how she treats you - she is far less attractive than you think.

[Holiday]

No you're not! I am totally in agreement with RayKay that you should try to leave earlier. It's just too controlling there and worse, she's cutting you down and even worse, you're believing it. Don't let her push your buttons and better, destroy the buttons. That kind of parent-child relationship is so damaging and if you stay, you will tempt her to think that you're OK with the verbal abuse.

[AwdreeHpburn]

dude, my mother is soooooo like that! Hiding behind some weird belief that she's just blunt or brutally honest. "People respect straight-forwardness" she says...

 

WHERE?

 

In the board room with a CEO of a computer company and you're trying to tell him he has a bad product, MAYBE!

 

But no one appreaciates being told what is thought of them when it's ALL negative.

 

I totally know what you mean tho. I wish there was a way to not let it affect you. The only thing I can say from experience is time. Things like this will get better with time.

 

You'll move out, get a great job, maybe get married some day, have some kids maybe and then you'll be so caught up in your own family, she just won't be able to get to you. She'll never stop talking to you that way, or your kids, but you'll get better at distancing yourself from it. The first time my mum said something like that to my daughter, that was it. It was all over.

 

She can't get to me anymore. I don't hold her in high enough esteem to affect me. I just have no respect for her and pity her really. And it's hard to let people you pity get away with anything because you just always feel so bad for 'em......least I do.

[hazeleyed]

But maybe I do have a problem? Maybe I am just too mouthy for them...she says I spoiled her day and i told her she spoiled my day too. I dunt think I am that fat , I still have my baby fat on me but I am making a vow here from onwords: I will not rest in peace till I get the body of perfection then no one can point fingers at me. I am tired of this battle of weight and body...

[AwdreeHpburn]

I am making a vow here from onwords: I will not rest in peace till I get the body of perfection then no one can point fingers at me. I am tired of this battle of weight and body...

 

well.....good luck but I doubt you'll get as far as you'd like cuz you're doing it for all the wrong reasons....

[hazeleyed]

Ta_ree_saw:

 

Maybe its because I am turning 20 and people start asking for a girls hand in my culture. I have heard her say "girls should always maintain themselves". MY moms done a lot for me and my sister. She used to buy our clothes over hers. My mom put our needs over her needs...I guess it just hurts when she says things like this but maybe I am just a spoiled brat too. Maybe I just expect too much from people...I dont want people to praise me...just love me and accept me for who I am. I want her to tell me if certain things look okay on me but with gentleness and kindness. I dont want to feel bad about the way I look all my life, I dont want to feel that being busty is a sin. I just want to be loved..

[Holiday]

Even attractive women can be jealous Sometimes they can be more so as they need others to be "less attractive" to seem more attractive. Regardless, if this is how she treats you - she is far less attractive than you think.

 

OMG, this is soooooo true. My sister is psycho-krazy when there is a pretty and confident girl in the room that she can't get the attention of. She's really loud and crazy and when a beautiful woman is present, if they are not observing my sister, she deems them a major threat and goes berzerk.

 

My boyfriend is totally aware of the dynamic in my household - my mom wants my sister to be the "pretty, fun one" and for me to be the "smart, successful one". It's so crazy.

 

People expect others to play certain roles. And parents have to be careful not to define their children by polarizing them.

 

My own mother is an artist as is my boyfriend and when I began learning how to paint, she (projecting) told me I should not try to paint because (get this) my boyfriend is the artist and I should just do what I do for a living. My thing is she probably did not want ME to be an artist because she was fearful that her own role as the family artist might be marginalized.

 

Parents are funny. To protect yourself, merely know what they're doing. Don't get upset if you can withstand it great. Just knowing should be barrier enough. But stuff like that sinks in when you're feeling low. That's why minimum exposure is a safeguard.

[hazeleyed]

what should my reactions to her "not talking to me" be? She doesnt seem like she wants to talk to me anymore.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hazel - I hear ya. I don't think those are the comments of a spoiled brat. Nothing wrong with looking at in from that angle tho, just in case. I think it's always good to reflect, but it sounds to me like those are just not nice things to say.

 

In my culture, in order for one to receive respect, one has to first give it. If one gives only with none in return, it is OK to discontinue giving.

 

If your mum wants respect from you, she has to also be willing to give it.

 

I am a mother and can understand and appreciate her sacrifices. I too go round with holes in my shoes while my kids have new ones. I too go without so my kids can have. But I would NEVER use that against them.

 

I'm sorry she says mean things that make you feel bad.

 

I don't think that means your mum is a bad person. I just think she needs to really understand that just teliing someone how it is, or how she thinks it is, can be much more than just honesty, sometimes it's actually hurtful.

[hazeleyed]

Ta_ree_saw, as a little girl I always wanted to look nice. As I hit teens I was the first to grow. By grade 8 I was a 32 C. Then in high school I had to take up BC and thats where my breasts gained the most weight. I honestly just want some love and acceptance right now rather than when I lose weight. Isnt that what unconditional love is? Seeing the beauty even in the ugliness of it all?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Seeing the beauty even in the ugliness of it all?

 

 

YES! Well to me.....

I'm sorry you don't feel that from your mum.

 

If it helps even a little, I think you're beautiful, from the inside. Because I've never seen you but have talked to you. And if who you are comes out accross this message board, I'd say you're a beautiful person.

[hazeleyed]

Ta_ree_saw: Thank you for the compliment

 

I hope someday I can see the beauty and my mom can too...

[hazeleyed]

Okay, I am breathing and am more relaxed. I have washed my face and I am writing this with a clear head now.

 

For those who responded to my pain and hurt: thank you.

 

As for the situation, my mother and I are not talking because shes pist off at me and I am pist off at her. I guess she isn't used to me being home 24/7 now either and nor am I. Sometimes things happen that make us both mad and we need to deal with them in a civialized manner but due to stupidity sometimes we both dont.

 

I was thinking that if my mom thinks I am fat, ugly and what not then that is her opinion and not mine. I know what I want to be and I just need to start staying grounded and not letting things tick me off. This is just my mom the field I am going to enter will have plenty of people who will tell me Icant do anything every step of the way. I cant let anyone ruin my life by what they think about me. My mom doesn't know what goes on in my life, all she knows is what I let her know.

 

I am a good person atleast I think I am. I agree my self esteem is down in the gutter but I know that the only place it can go from here is up. I will be okay, and I have you guys here at enotalone to help me through days like these. I want to thank you all for taking the time and lending me your shoulders to cry on.

 

As I discussed with RayKay, I will continue my diet and working out because I want to achieve my goals not for anyone but for me and my self esteem. I want to live a healthy and wonderful life ahead of me.

[RayKay]

Awww, sweetie, we are here anytime!

 

I am glad you are feeling a bit better, and more positive. You CAN do anything you want, and you ARE beautiful - you just need to learn that yourself.