Risky Situation

[pennyroyalFnT]

I have been married to my husband for two years now. We had been "together" for six years before we married. I always thought our sex life was decent, but I was never able to orgasm. I have tried other methods and still never achieved my goal. I always assumed there was just something wrong with me and maybe I would "grow" out of it. I am 26 and he is 33. We started dating when I was 18 and I didn't have much experience then. I dated others in the beginning but none of them were able to do it for me either. As I had more interests in common with him at the time I settled down quite a bit. We moved in together and got into a routine, doing it only two days a week (Saturday and Sunday mornings). I have brought up the subject of ways he could seduce me to make it more inticing, but none of the things we have tried have helped me to get to that point. About a year ago, I began fantasizing about others, which I felt was perfectly normal. This seemed to get me closer to my goal but still not an orgasm. I began to think about seeing a sex therapist about my problem. THought maybe some underlying issue could be keeping me from orgasm.

 

Very recently, I went on vacation with some friends without my husband. Attending the vacation with us was a couple of guys a few years younger than me. I have known for several years that they both had huge crushes on me. I spent a lot of time with them both. I began spending more time with the younger of the two (19). He seemed to try to "respect" my situation and I tried really hard to be good, but the attraction was completely obvious to both of us. The last evening we were there we spent a lot of time alone. We ended up on the couch together making out and then having sex. The sex was incredible, I achieved multiple orgasms and still wanted more!

 

I am "sitting on the edge of a cliff" right now, wondering where this will take my relationship with my husband. Knowing for all of these years that he has not been able to make me orgasm, will he ever? I know how decietful it is to carry on like this but I do love him. With my problem, I never thought sex was such a big deal. I am always able to pleasure him and I never thought it mattered if I was getting mine too. I am sure that I won't be able to carry on this way forever. I have contemplated keeping this romance an ongoing secret but that isn't fair to my husband. My marital problems go much deeper than just lack of orgasms but I thought I could deal with those issues. I give him way more emotionally than he has in his being. There is a lot in life that I want that he doesn't seem to be interested in. I am a very optimistic woman and my husband is just the opposite. I find myself getting bored with our routines and seeking other things to do without him. I guess that if I had let myself be miserable underneath much longer I would have ruined the marriage eventually, but I don't know what to do at this point. I don't intend on being anymore promiscous than I have been but I now have a yearning for the young man I had the affair with.

 

At this point, I need any advice, opinions on the matter, or even haters to help me through my personal thoughts on the situation.

[Considerate Empath]

My guess is that he'll find out eventually that you had an affair, and if he doesn't hear it from you there's a much bigger chance that your relationship will be over than if you tell him yourself. So if you still want him, confess about everything and ask for his forgiveness. If you don't want him anymore, tell him that you're sorry, confess, and you found someone else, and leave him for the younger one. If you want neither, once again, confess and break up with him. It's not fair for your husband to be with you not knowing how you feel and that you've cheated on him. Since you were with another man, it's very possible that you don't love him anymore either - so my advice to you is to confess, explain, apologize and break up with him.

 

I'm sorry to say that a break-up is the only thing you can do here, I doubt he'll ever look past you cheating on him + him not being able to give you an orgasm if he finds out. If he won't find out because no-one told him, I have a strong feeling he'll know anyway by the way you talk/act/look at him sometimes etc.

 

 

//C.E.

[Scotcha]

I'm not a fan of affairs and I hold the strong opinion that if someone can't remain faithful in a relationship than that relationship should end. To continue an affair is simply selfish and your partner truly deserves someone who can respect commitment.

 

You have said that you tried other methods to achieve orgasm but they didn't work either. I'm wondering if you tried masturbation. I'm assuming that you have and so perhaps it was the "rush" of your affair with this younger man that was able to push you over the edge rather than something physical (i.e. stimulation). Keeping this in mind maybe there is something you and your husband you can do. Try sex that is a little risky for a change.. Various locations, semi-public, something to that effect. Or maybe even role-playing.

 

On the other hand, if it is something physical that isn't allowing for your sexual needs to be met try finding out by yourself what you need to get there and teach your husband what you like.

 

It may also help if you and your husband are able to communicate about your emotional needs so that they are fulfilled.

 

I don't suggest leaving him for a 19 year old.

 

I see it like this: Either remain faithful to your husband from this point forward or end the marriage.

[Cadence308]

Things sound really intense and heated with this younger man. Maybe you care for your husband, but it really sounds like you have not been able to orgasm with him because he doesn't excite you in that way...you are not sexually attracted to him and never have been. You have been fooling yourself. It sounds like you don't really have sex problems, but that you have been having sex with the wrong person all this time.

 

If you have other problems with your husband and want different things, it seems this relationship has reached a dead end. You are right in that it is not fair to your husband to carry on an affair, but you have already cheated. Come clean to him...and decide what you want. It sounds like you have already made up your mind, you just need to do it.

[Mike_Wazowski]

I'm wondering why you married him in the first place if he wasn't all that you wanted him to be?????

 

I'm wondering why you would go on a vacation without him, especially if other single guys were going with?

 

I'm wondering why he allowed you to go under those circumstances......?

 

Either way....once he finds out, the marriage is over....even if you don't divorce, it's over, emotionally, etc.... He'll never trust you again and you'll always be wondering if he is now out looking for some 'Action' to get back at you.......

 

Yeah..sex with a young guy maybe be exciting the first few dozen times or so..haha....but 'there' is the same as 'here' once the thrill wears off.......

 

Good luck...

[yeawutever]

Ok so if you weren't really happy with your husband from way back and weren't receiving any orgasms then why go along with it??? That's what doesn't really makes sense, you could have ended there way back.

As about the affair you had, if you are truly guilty about it and for sure not thinking on procceding with it, then don't say a word on it and get tested right away, as you know, anytime it comes to sex, there's the risk of contacting STD's. It wouldn't be fair to jeopardize your husband's health. If you do end up contacting a disease then you may have to inform him what you did and nope, in that case, I'm afraid the relationship would be over, like the previous poster say, even if he doesn't end up divorcing you nor separating and decides to forgive you, you'll never gain 100% trust again.

[pennyroyalFnT]

I married my husband because I love him. I don't believe that anyone could ever be "all that you want them to be." He may find out eventually and I am certain that then it will be over. I would never ask his forgiveness for something like this, a kiss maybe but an affair no. I would never leave him for someone else, but for my own emotional problems.

 

I went on this vacation as part of my job. It is an annual trip that I have been on for six years and this was the first time single guys were present. I have had an attraction for this guy for a long time (innocent attraction until this point). I have always been able to contain myself but a whole week with him was a bit too much to handle.

 

As I have said, I have tried other methods, such as masturbation and sex toys but up until this point those methods got me close but no goal. My husband is too discreet to have sex in risky situations. He doesn't even like kissing me in public. We have tried many things in the bedroom and some of them got close but still no goal. I believe what is missing is that touch, the first touch. Does anyone remember how electrifying that was? I remember when just his touch sent tingles down my spine.

 

As for the younger man, it could very well be that the intensity of having an affair is what made these feelings come about. Doing something forbidden may have been why it was so exciting. I tried so hard to avoid the situation. I could tell all week that he wanted me and I ached for him. He did try to respect me but neither of us could bear it any longer. Afterwards I was left with a longer sensation, something I have never had before. I wonder is that what you are supposed to feel like after having an orgasm. I have heard that an orgasm is a most wonderful feeling, does the feeling usually last for a day?

 

I don't know if the affair will continue. I have talked to the guy about it but I am not sure if that is just simply playing with the idea. I agree it isn't fair to even play with the idea of it.

 

If I were to end things with my husband, I would never expect to have a long term relationship with a man six years younger than me. I never even dated 19 year olds when I was nineteen.

[Learning2Fly]

This is the age of no self-responsibility. We often like to take the victim role which is easier than admitting to ourselves that we have done something wrong. Penny - Have you reread your comments? You state, "I have always been able to contain myself but a whole week with him was a bit too much to handle." A WHOLE week? Thank the good Lord that your husband is not in Iraq.

You disregarded vows that you took (probably before God and an assembled crowd) and betrayed this man who loves you and whom you profess to love. Sure an orgasm is a great thing, but do you really want to go through life sleeping with new men because that is the only way you can get off?

First i think you should not even entertain the thought of continuing an affair with a 19 year old. I am sure he is bragging about his conquest at all the frat parties and if I understood correctly that you work together - then you have made a monumental mistake in more ways than one. Secondly you need to decide if you want to remain married, If you do I recommend that you take your betrayal to the grave. If you confess you will surely destroy the man who took you as his wife. A man's ego is a fragile entity and it is not easily restored

But most of all - realize that this was not some cosmic occurrance that you had no control over. You made a conscious decision to have sex with this kid. After all, we are humans and not animals.

I do wish you good luck but you are going down a path to much pain and anguish. Leave this poor man that you profess to love so he can find a woman who deserves his love and faithfulness or go get some help and get your "urges" under control.

[pennyroyalFnT]

I do realize that I am responsible for my actions, I would not deny that in any way. I know that a WHOLE week sounds rediculous, but it isn't a week it has been years of knowing this guy. I don't think he is braggin to his friends about it because he understands what will happen if word gets around. I should hope that his "conquest" is kept the biggest secret of his life as it is in mine. We don't work together, we are associated because of the people I work for. We live many miles apart so continuing the affair is merely a fantasy. Deciding on whether or not to continue my marriage is a lot harder than just taking this betrayal to the grave. The emotional problems I have go much deeper than just having an orgasm with my husband. I don't guess I have addressed those problems to anyone here. I have talked to my husband about my issues, I have suggested ways for us to improve but in one ear out the other. I have always felt a certain amount of neglect from him. Maybe it is that I am younger than him that he doesn't realize how important certain things are to our relationship. Sometimes those little things creep up on you when they have rolled into a big ball of things. I am human and I too make mistakes. He does deserve a better woman.

[pennyroyalFnT]

The long term emotional problems I have are some of which I thought I had dealt with a long time ago, but unfortunately they will always haunt me. Lots of terrible things have gone on in my life and I thought I had done very well to take them out of my life. I have been physically and sexually abused by a person that I loved very much (This is where the I give more than I ever get complex comes from I am sure). It seems that growing up watching my mother cheat time and time again, with no remorse, has opened that window for me as well. When I am not satisfied with a situation I find a way to be happy for the moment. I have never cheated before, but I do drink my sorrows away occasionally. This was not the case at this time, I was conscious of what I was doing.

My other issues:

We dated for two years before he would even admit I was his girlfriend, mostly because he was dating one other girl specifically. He acted like I didn't have a name when he would refer to me, while I was present! When he finally admitted I was someone special to him it was after I had moved away to start my life over. It was only after realizing that I had nothing where I went, and him calling me after two months of being absent, that I came back. When I returned we argued about things that I thought didn't matter to him, things that happened when we were separated and when we didn't even know each other. I felt as though I loved him very much but nothing I could do was ever going to be good enough for him. I do love him very much, but I am afraid now instead I feel as though he could never give me what I have given him. It isn't his fault, it is mine. I have been giving everything I could possibly give to another person and not getting it back for a long time. I should have addressed these problems in the very beginning of the relationship, but I usually keep things to myself.

You know keeping a relationship from boredom would be a great factor as well. I have been tired of doing the same things over and over and over. The same Saturday/Sunday routine. We watch the same sitcoms over and over. I try getting out with my girlfriends on a regular basis but he stays at home all of the time.

Another deal is family and children. He has never acted as though his family mattered one iota to him. He doesn't care for children either. I have taken care of my two sisters, their two sisters, and their one brother. I had also been a nanny for five years. My family is a huge part of my life and he avoids his and mine like the black plague. That hurts my feeling on every occasion. And when he does get the chance to object to spending time with family or kids then he does. That is the #1 reason he doesn't come on this annual vacation, because it is a family gathering (it wasn't my family, it was my friends family and her extended family, I served as the nanny for her family while the guys were from the extension).

You know these "issues" are my fault. I have always felt that if he didn't see those things as a problem then I should keep my mouth shut and I have.

I am not looking for any wrong or right answer to my problems, it is something I have to decide on my own.

So there you have it, I have laid a lot more on the table to explain why I did such an irrational thing. It isn't his fault, I accepted his hand in marriage even though all of those things bothered me. I am not excusing what I have done. I wouldn't tell anyone I know about this. Letting it out here helps me release the frustration I can't take home.

[pennyroyalFnT]

Something like this can never be forgotten, I have done it. Had it just been a fantasy then it could easily be forgotten. At a time like this I know I must think about all of the other issues that I have which were present before this indescretion. It will never leave my mind but as it lingers behind all of the other things it does weigh me down. I know that this act has changed me and I will do what is best for ME. It seems that sometimes I loose ME as we all do. I am not jumping off of the cliff so soon, there is a lot to be said and a lot to be done before I can make any big decision on what to doin the relationship.

[Learning2Fly]

Hi Penny - I understand emotional baggage and how it can color your choices. I can only offer my opion based on some life experience. If one is not careful, they allow the emotional baggage of yesterday to cause them to make decisions today which will become their emotional baggage of tomorrow. It is vicious and self-perpetuating. You can have all the therapy in the world and even intellectulize this concept however; it is all useless until you decide that your actions today will be in your best interest and not colored by the injuries of the past. Is this easier said than done? Of course. But if you do not make a heroic effort to step out of the past, then you are doomed to remain in this cycle.

Hope this makes sense to you!