Struggling...

[sirnext]

Ok, here's the story...

 

About 8 days ago I was having drinks with a buddy of mine of about one year(he'd been a colleague of my partner for three years), and we'd had quite a few (him more than me). He started telling me that I he was really nervous when we met, and if I hit him now, he'd take it and wouldn't hit back. I was a curious as to what he was on about, so I pretended I knew what he was talking about. I had started to guess that she had kissed, which was something that would hurt, but I could deal with

 

At this point, my gf grabbed me took me outside. I asked her, and she told me she slept with him. Turns out, about two years ago he had a two week affair with my girlfriend of 4 years (we've been together for 6 years now, engaged for 3 years). So yeah, we'd been engaged to be married for a year at the time of the affair. I found out that they got drunk and kissed at a bar, both agreed it was a mistake, then had sex the following weekend in the back of her car after another drunken night.

 

Obviously, I was pretty upset (to say the least). I went home, and she went and stayed at a mutual friends house that night.

 

Since then, we've done A LOT of talking. She's admitted everything she did that night, and has said she has done nothing else. I believe her. I trusted her completely before I found out, and to a point I still do. But what do I do now? The guy she slept with is a really good mate, who didn't realise we were together at the time she slept with him. We were going through a really rough time, and the relationship was very rocky to say the least. I don't place any blame on him at all.

 

We're seeing a councillor now, as I've decided I still want to give it a shot. We both love each other. The last year in our relationship has been the best we've had.

 

My problem is, I can't stop thinking about the actual act in my head. Every second thought is about what they did, and it's absolutely killing me. I'm devastated that she's done this, as we were both our firsts (and only for me). We've had other relationships, just never sex. I've never wanted anone else, and was very proud of that fact. Now it's gone, and impossible to get back.

 

I know there isn't going to be a quick fix, but is there something I can do to help get it out of my head?

 

I haven't seen the guy since I found out, but I'd like to. I'm just scared that if I see him I'll break down. Should I see him, or should I just write off that friendship? It's hard, as we have a big circle of friends, so if I see some of them, chances are he will be there too.

 

Sorry if that was all a big jumble, I just typed whatever I was thinking. It's actually been a bit of a help to type it out, but any advice would be greatly appreciated. If you're a bit confused about anything, just ask.

[Upsetwifeofone]

sirnext, what you are feeling is completely normal.

 

My husband had an emotional (as far as I'm aware) affair via text messaging on his mobile phone. Eight months of building a relationship with another woman, which at some point, became sexual fantasy, this was the point at which I discovered it.........delightful pictures of another woman's genitalia and through searching his sent box, the question "How can I make you wet?".....so, whether the act was done physically or mentally, the "act" has played on my mind along with the need to know the details. None which have been explained, but I find myself imagining all sorts. I believe that this is a normal thought process for any betrayed partner.

 

I've never wanted anone else, and was very proud of that fact. Now it's gone, and impossible to get back.

 

I feel exactly the same, if it were a generalization I'd say that we are left feeling tainted by the action. It's an impurity that has been inflicted on us by no choice and it leads to resentment. It's not impossible to get back, it takes a lot of work and openess with your partner.

 

I know there isn't going to be a quick fix, but is there something I can do to help get it out of my head?

 

Hun, the only way to get it out of your head is to confront it. My way isn't the written way, but in order to be able to let it go is to know the finest detail. I'm in the process of confronting my partner, but I know for me personally, I want to know what drove him to let it go as far as it did. What did I do wrong to make him choose this woman. How did she make him feel. A lot of councillors don't agree with wanting to find out every little detail, but many say it's only through sharing the "gory" details the betrayed partner can accept it.

 

As for confronting the other guy, only you can determine whether you would be able to handle that. I would love to confront the other "woman" but I don't know who she is. I would probably break down, but I would have the justice of showing her that she has ruined my life. For as long as I don't know about her, the longer I keep her alive in my head. She infects me every day and I hate her for that.

 

sirnext, this is a journey that is too common, but only an individual can travel, no one treads the same feelings or emotions and only you know what you are comfortable facing. My heart goes out to you because I can empathise with a lot of what you said, but like I said my husbands affair was different. Regardless of the acts, the emotions of the betrayed are similar and support is the only thing that helps us through.

 

I hope someone has some beneficial advice for you, but I also hope that you understand that you are not alone!

[nottoogreen]

Hi sirnext,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Upsetwifeofone made excellent suggestions.

 

About your friend, it was not his fault, consider to sit down with him and retain the friendship, irrespective of your fiance.

 

I have too much experience with cheating and being cheated on. My ex even produced a child I signed for.

 

For myself I was never interested in details of the acts. Nothing interesting there.

 

As to your relationship, I do not know whether you can forgive her, if you decide to do so, please forgive once and for all, otherwise end the relationship asap.

[sirnext]

Thank you for your comments/advice

 

I have forgiven her for what she has done. I just can't forgive her for the act... I know it sounds weird, but that's how I feel. I don't blame her wanting attention from someone else, we were going through such a rough time.

 

Don't worry if you're confused, because I am too

 

I'm don't think I will confront him... to be fair, as far as I know, he hasn't done anythin wrong. My gf admitted she thinks she told him we had broken up. That tells me she DID tell him we had broken up. He was acting very down when he has telling me. I do not see him as the bad guy in this. It will be hard when I first see him though.

 

One of the hardest parts of this is all our friends knowing. They know that my gf has slept with this other guy (because a few of them were around when it came out), but I don't know if they know she cheated on me. If they do the math I'm sure they could figure it out, but I'm not sure if any of them are clever enough to have done that. Maybe I just hope that. I don't want them looking down on her. It's a matter between me and her. I still want to protect her. I'm pretty embarressed as well...

 

I actually know most of the finer details. I know I almost caught them the first week, and she made me feel terrible for accusing her of doing something with him. That's why I didn't say a thing when she went out for drinks the following week when it happened. When I found out, I had to know EVERYTHING. It was terrible to hear, but I guess knowing what happened stopped my imagination running wild.

 

It's hard to not beat myself up about it. I know it doesn't do any good, but it's really hard. We went away this weekend to get away from it all, and it was really good, but as soon as I got back home everything came back.

 

I guess I just try and tough it out... I just don't know how long I can.

[sirnext]

Well, I ended up meeting up with him yesterday. It was harder to look at him than I thought. Turns out, he did know that we were together when they had sex.

 

All he did was apologise. It was hard to be mad, because it happened so long ago, but man, it still hurt.

 

It's done me a whirl of good though. I went to work smiling today for the first time since...

[Upsetwifeofone]

Way to go sirnext, it's good to be able to smile again.

 

I commend you on meeting with him it was a huge step. I'm glad you got some answers, even though it must have been gut wrenching to hear that he knew he was crossing that line.

 

It will always hurt hun, though time will make it lessen as it moves on and at least you got an apology.

 

I really respect you sirnext, I hope things improve for you and you find the inner peace you deserve. Take care and enjoy your day!

[sirnext]

Thank you upsetwife... you've really helped me with your word of encouragement. I hope you are able move on like I feel I am.

 

My fiancee and I are doing ok. We had a fight last night, and I called her a sl*t. I don't want to be a guy that calls names, but it just came out. I feel terrible about it.

 

We're trying to move on, but she seems more upset about what happened than me. I doubt it somehow, but it still seems that way. She's embarressed that our friends know what happened, and won't see them now. They've invited us out tomorrow night, but she's refusing to go. I want to go, but I don't want to go alone, as I don't want to give them more fuel for gossip.

 

Should I stay at home, or should I try and drag her out? Should I go alone?

[Upsetwifeofone]

Hun, that's a hard one.

 

I know I was in a position at the beginning of June where my husband invited his family around for drinks, I was sooooooo convinced that everyone knew and spent the night feeling truly uncomfortable, no-one spoke to me (they're a funny bunch who don't think I'm good enough for him anyway) and mentally I was convincing myself that they thought he should have left me for "her". He say's that no-one else know's about the affair, but I'm convinced otherwise, even if just for the fact that his neice refused to make eye contact with me and never uttered a word, this is so out of character for her as we were quite close.

 

I think the betrayer generally tries to show their "remorse" by being the more injured of the party, my husband tries to put my down days to hormones and won't admit to himself that he is the true cause of the worthlessness I feel, but hey-ho, I'm in councelling and do my utmost to educate myself as the betrayed wife.........even gave myself that title hahahaha.

 

Hun, in the heat of the moment we say all kinds of things to try and reflect a little bit of the hurt back. Mine is in humour (very bad humour and more like sarcasm but hey!) and if hubby has been around his mother's house, playing with her labrador, I'll pick off the hairs and ask him if he's been attracting any more "old dog's". It's naughty I know but I can't help myself. You wont be a name calling guy, you seem too compassionate for that, you're just hurting and that's understandable.

 

I can't really help about the evening out, sorry. I just say see how it goes and decide when it comes to it. Whatever you decide I hope you're happy with....(and if you do go, have a drink for me, I'm craving a nice rum and coke and can't have one until for at least another 6 weeks......... )