Oh my Lord!

[fantasia2004]

I am not trying to call the Lord's name in vain.

 

I am someone who is trying to shake off her pessimism.

 

So many interesting things have happened since then.

 

I finally obtained a job that somewhat interests me.

 

I was recently baptized in church.

 

I told most of my friends and they are or seem happy for me.

 

I know that having the smallest things in life will not technically make me happy I would have to make myself happy.

 

My mind should be on the positive right about now.

 

Yet I still feel depleted.

NO one I mean friendsand family)is available to hang out with me because I push them away and because they live such busy lives.

I feel that I cannot be grateful for what I have been blessed with right now even though I am unsure what the future holds.

I am so stressed, that trying to let go of the stress and giving it to God seems out of the question.

I seem so crazy depending on others to satisfy my desire to not being alone.

I have been continuoulsy suffering from anxiety and panic atacks including bouts of depression where it makes me feel like completing tasks at my new job harder when it is pretty simple that a child can do it.

I am so afraid of failure. I rarely speak up for myself when others treat me like the doormat. Ugh!

 

Am I acting like a 4 year old screaming for attention? Or am i closer to realizing my faults and learning to grow up and take responsiblity? Or am i just a wacko seeking sympathy? My back hurts currently as i write this and i am so close to tears. I should be happy that things are looking in the right direction. Why do i need to please others so much inorder to like me or accpet me? Why do I need to be such a perfectionist?

 

I am afraid of having a mental breakdown.

 

This is a cry of desperation because I have no idea what I should do next say next or where to go next. Or if I shoul be praying to God for inspiration.

Thank you my fellow members and non-members.

 

Fanatasia

[chigal28]

Fantasia,

I feel your pain--and I mean that quite literally. When I read what you had written, I felt such a connection to what you were saying, because that's almost exactly what I'm going through right now. I spent years and years trying to escape the fact that I didn't like myself, by surrounding myself with people (or attempting to)...I couldn't spend a night by myself just relaxing without feeling panicky or scared. I also am "getting back with God," and it's joyously uplifting, but it also worries me that doing so might push some of my friends away. I've been going to therapy, getting to know myself and actually starting to feel pretty good about who I am....but at the same time feeling disconnected from a lot of people I used to feel close to. It's very weird.

 

My theory, for what it's worth, is that we numbed ourselves for SO long as to who we really were and how we felt about ourselves, and built a nice house of cards of illusions and misperceptions....so that when we decide to face up to things, get to know ourselves and be true to ourselves, we lose those illusions....which, at least in my experience, has been good in some ways but really sad and scary in others. False illusions create a sense of familiarity, but they're also not healthy or good for us in the long run.

 

Fantasia, I'd like to think that while we feel scared and adrift right now, and confused and sad, it's a short-term feeling that will lead to something much, much better and REAL in the long-term. It's scary to let go of the familiar, even when the familiar isn't good and doesn't work. It's like the "leap of faith" in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade....he couldn't KNOW that the bridge accross the chasm was there, and the chasm is scary, but he needed to get to the other side to fulfill his mission. Maybe this process of getting real with ourselves and letting go of illusions is our "leap of faith," knowing that what's good is on the other side, and we have to go over a scary deep chasm to get there.

 

So while it might not seem like it right now, I feel like you're getting health, and in the long run you will be happier and closer to who you want to be as a result. As one of my best friends said, "it gets worse before it gets better, but it's all part of the same process."

 

PM me if you want....maybe we can share more about our experiences and help each other out.....Just keep with it and have faith that it will all work out for the best in the end. That's what I'm doing---or at least trying to. Some days it works, some days it doesn't!

[fantasia2004]

Thank you

 

I appreciate that favor. I used to be the type that would enjoy being miserable. Not anymore. I am looking to be a changed person. Now more than ever?

[chigal28]

I spoke with my counselor last night, and she said something very, very reassuring, which I think you'll find reassuring, too. She said that if we don't become uncomfortable sometime during the process of truly trying to change ourselves and see things in new ways, then we're not doing it right!!! So the fact that we feel uncomfortable and confused right now is a GOOD thing...it means we're on the right track, even if it doesn't seem like it. She suggested to just "sit with" the feelings....not try to act on them too much, but look for opportunities to learn things and observe the world.

 

Basically, how we feel is OK and normal, and even good in some ways! We're breaking out of the familiar and embarking on new territory...but she also said rest assured, on the "other side" of what we're going through is something absolutely incredible, and we will be so happy we went through this. Hope that helps!!

[allgood]

go girls!!!!!!!! for me i was depressed and had low self esteem, it was up and down for me for a long time. till i decided i had to do somethin about it. first thing i did was fix up my inner talk and turned back to god. its been 1 year since doing something about it and im better.

 

im a guy and i tell you its hard putting down ur pride to fix up urself and do something about it. theres another guy on another topic i gave the same advice. and if ur in a christain community now thats even better. cause when u have problems it gets easier to handle. trust god and give him all ur pains and hurts and at the same time work on urself. fix up ur inner talk. and remember god died for our sins and he can carry are our hurts, pains and our sufferring its just up to us to allow him to carry it.

 

heres the advice i gave him...i feel like really helpin every1 with advice with these types of problems, cause its really fixin ur inner talk helped me.

 

"yeah man, i had the same prob like u, up n down till i turned 23 then it really hit me.i decided to really do somethin about it. its all about not puttin urself down in ur head and cancel out negative thoughts.

 

man seriously its all about ur inner talk. i finally decided to go deal with thoughts and stuff, it took me 1 year to really feel good and comfortable. but youll improve in small bits. 6months youll really see an improvement once u fix ur inner talk.

 

heres a website.

link removed

 

its as simple as fixin ur inner talk. itll take a while, youll have set backs but it gets better if u keep at it. just keep at it man. read alot of psycology stuff about it. youll find help in many forms. trust me man, i was up n down with confidence since i was 17, its better to start workin on urself now than lose all that time.

 

Be open to many solutions and do whats best for u. but that website and its info on "HOW TO IMPROVE ONE'S SELF IMAGE" and "ON BEING ASSERTIVE" are the ones that really helped me to start off in the right direction.

 

cheers and goodluck, as long as YOU DO something about it IT WILL GET BETTER"

[fantasia2004]

What you say is exactly what I am feeling. I find that very scary but in a good way. Even the mentioning of Indiana Jones (one of my favorite adventure movies!)

It makes perfect sense. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to figure out who I am when I should already know.

I want to be established. I refuse to feel guilty for being selfish. I want to be at a peaceful moment in my life while learnng as you say to be "comfortable" with myself

[fantasia2004]

God is good but for some stupid reason, I am still seeking approval from the wrong people. Where I am taking classes, people (and there are a few) choose to ignore or avoid me for silly or crazy reasons I have no control over. People are not respecting me like they should. I want the respect all over.

[fantasia2004]

Thanks allgood for your insight as well.