NC Question?

[jeffreyt]

Let me explain my situation I'm in my 8 day of no contact after starting with LC and I'm wondering if my situation warrants the NC and would appreciate the any feedback. My ex resently broke off our 4 month relationship stating this that she wasn't happy and couldn't deal with the stress and drama that was brought on from mostly my ex wife who made over 100 hasassing phone calls(basically just calling and hanging up) they stopped after we had the police call her and hearing many other things that my ex wife said about her(that was my mistake for telling her what my ex wife was saying bad move on my part even though she wanted to know) and also she was upset that I've dragged my feet finalizing my divorce(i've been separated over a year and basically have waited to sell our house before finalizing this divorce I know it wasn't a good reason at all) plus I have no intention of getting back with my ex wife she's been living with a guy for 10 months and I'm very happy as well. So when she told me this I actually agreed with her and felt it was the best thing to do and I made a commitment to focus on ME and giving her space away from the situation and I was focused on finalizing my divorce which we are moving along with it and it should be done soon but we continued to have LC which I have to admit was very difficult but because I felt she made alot of sense in her reasoning for not being happy I tried to jus t have LC and not total NC. I was letting her basically initiate any contact then she had called me about a 10 days ago and just to talk and told me she just needed time away from the situation and just wanted to spend time with her friends and herself wasn't interested in even being with any guys or dating anyone and I said ok. Then a few days later I was out with my buddies at this bar and then I see her walk in holding some guys hand walking in the bar needless to say my blood pressure went through the roof and I was so upset that she lied to me so when she walked away from him I confronted her and told her I didn't appreciate being lied to(trust me I wasn't this nice like I'm saying it now) and then I stormed out of there needless to say she texted me and called me at 4am to talk and I never answered she again called in the morning and apoligized and said he was really just a friend(whatever) So basically talked and told how hurt I was that she did that to me and spilled my guts alittle telling her how much I cared about her and then we ended the conversation and nothing was said about having NC or anything the call just ended and since then I have had NC for 8 days now and she hasn't contacted me either and I'm wondering what everone thoughts our if this situation warrants NC and should I have told her that I wouldn't be contacting her and don't think I could be friends right now. I do believe that the best thing I can do is work on myself and finalize my divorce I think that would show her that wasn't just talking and finally taking action, it's funny we even talked about this we both said the next time she wants to hear my ex wifes name is when we sign the divorce papers. It's hard for me to be totally upset at her decision on why she wasn't happy but then she lied ot me and now I'm kinda torn on what to do. I would appreciate some feedback on this thanks Jeff

[Cute Band Rat]

Jeff, persoanlly it would have ticked me off to be in your ex'es situation. Dealing with a psycho ex wife who called over 100 times??? Yuck. That in addition to you dragging your feet with getting the divorce finalized. This is why it is advised to NOT date a recently divorced man OR woman.

 

I think NC does apply to your situaton. It doesn't sound like you are in ANY place to be starting another relationship. Give yourself some time to be single again and figure out what you want. It's not fair to drag another person through the baggage of your last relationhship. I would advise to not date anyone right after the ink is dry on your divorce papers. Go out, have fun, explore who YOU are. How long were you married?

[kellbell]

Hi Jeff,

 

I agree with Cute Band Rat, personally I would not deal with the ex wife like that. Hundreds of harassing phone calls, all the drama and after 4 months of it, I would be at my wits end. I am guessing it was too much for her to bear.

 

Plus, you have a bit of baggage to contend with, the recent divorce, the house, the estranged ex wife. I would really get your life on track before getting into another serious relationship.

 

Although I do not condone lying about matters...I can understand why she did it. She was put in a rock in a hard place. And she did break it off with you so she was free to do what she wanted but I can understand why you are hurt.

 

Focus on getting your life back together because I have a feeling you are going to run into this same situation again and again until you are travelling light. NC all the way. Take care.

[jeffreyt]

CBR, I really agree add to the fact she's alot younger then me she doesn't need to deal with this, but I even though my divorce wasn't finalized we weren't getting back together(I know that's not a excuse not to finalize this) but I actually waited 7 months before I started to dating anyone just was out having fun after being separated(and she did know the situation when we started dating but I stilled dragged my feet)thne I met this woman and we just hit it off great and she did know my situation I didn't lie to her but I agree 100% I need to focus on ME but obviously I still hold hopes of us getting back together down the road once I get my life to somewhat normal but if we don't get back this time away will let me start the healing process. I do think it's best we both just give each other time and see what happens but my question is should send her an email stating this or just continue to do NC. I was married 13 years.

[kellbell]

No I would not send her the email. Although you are hurt, she broke it off, she is free to date or hold hands with whomever she wants. Sending her an email will turn her off big time and make you come accross as psycho as your ex wife. Let it go. Focus on YOU and getting your life together. Thirteen years of marriage is a long time. Time to get to you know yourself single and 13 years older.

[Cute Band Rat]

I see nothing wrong with sending her a nice email to explain your feelings and the situation. Ending things on a nice note is always good and who knows what may happen in the future. I would refrain from making excuses though...just simply let her know the timing was simply off and that you were not in a place to offer someone what they needed right now. This doesn't place blame on anyone, which is what you want to avoid.

 

Thirteen years was a LONG time with someone. Definetely be single for a while. This way you'll know you want a relationship because you WANT it, not for fear of being alone.

[Cute Band Rat]

Let me stress: Only send the email for closure for YOU..and then do NC. Otherwise just remain in NC.

[jeffreyt]

kellbell, Thanks alot it's great to hear form other people on here it really helps. I kinda new the answer but it's always better to hear it from someone else. I agree I need to focus on myself like you said. I can't lie it's hard we were inseparable for the 4 months when you were a marriage that wasn't very good for that long and then find someone that really appreciated everything you did it makes it hard but that's life I'll deal with it. Thanks again for your help I'lljust take one day at a time I do believe she will contact me sometime soon and if she does should I respond back?

[kellbell]

"...were a marriage that wasn't very good for that long and then find someone that really appreciated everything you did it makes it hard but that's life I'll deal with it."

 

This is totally understandable and I can definitely see why you were enamored and enchanted by her. But you are not in a place for a serious relationship right now. You cannot put that kind of responisibility on someone like that....counting on someone to bring you happiness and fill a void. You need to be happy with yourself first. I bet she was quite overwhelmed by your circumstances and it is no one's fault, it is just the way life works unfortunately.

 

She may or may not contact you, just go on with the assumption she will not, if you do, I am pretty sure you will feel differently about the situation if and when it happens. You are right, one day at a time.

[jeffreyt]

CBR, So when you say closure for me do you mean complete closure to the relationship or am I miss reading your post.

[jeffreyt]

kellbell, wow you are really waking me up the only thing that's bothering me is that our last conversation on the phone wasn't very nice and it wasn't the way I wanted to end our talking if you know what. I mean that's the only reason I was thinking of sending an email not getting crazy or anything I don't know your a woman I'll trust your opinion.

[Cute Band Rat]

Jeff I mean closure for YOU. I think it's good to say some things you need to say in order to move on from a relationship without any lingering bad feelings.

This does not mean an email begging, pleading or professing your love..it means letting her know you realize the part YOU played in things not working out..and NOT pointing fingers or placing blame on anyone. Ultimately you can only control what YOU do. Not anyone else. Thats what I meant.

[kellbell]

Ah, I see. You know, relationships never end amicably or least as we hoped they would end. But really, relationships tend to end on a sour note, things are said in the heat of the moment and we seem to want to do damage control afterwards. I am sure she knows you did not mean the things that were said and that you are under the gun. Perhaps this is why she fibbed about this guy. It is hard to say.

 

I really discourage letters, emails, and the like because sending them never produce results that are hoped for, no matter how much the person convinces him/herself nothing is going to be expected in return or it is strictly for closure on behalf of the sender. There always seems to be the shred of hope in the back of one's mind something good will come out of it. For now, I would leave her be. I know you desperately want to fix things but try fixing your life first. If things were meant to be, they will be. Hang in there.

[jeffreyt]

kellbell, you're awesome thanks alot but just an FYI I wasn't sending an email to tell her how I feel or beg her to come back nothing like that.

[kellbell]

I assumed it was not to beg her to come back. But even though it was a closure letter for you...it still will make you look needy, unstable, more emotionally invested in the sitaution compared to her...all around bad. If you want her to contact you to have things be amicable, do not send a letter or email. I am telling you, she will lose respect for you if you send that letter. I have been on eNotalone for about a year and I see this come up time after time. Nothing good comes out of sending letters or emails, no matter how good the intentions are on behalf of the sender.

[jeffreyt]

kellbell, thanks I'll trust your judgement I won't send anything, I maybe asking for your help if she emails me which I'm pretty sure she will here is a woman that would email over 30 times a day during the work day lol.

[kellbell]

Sure, I will be glad to help. Hang in there. I know this is hard but you can do it!

[jeffreyt]

thanks both of you for your help just been a tough day debating on sending that email or not ughhhh.

[didyoumissme]

thanks both of you for your help just been a tough day debating on sending that email or not ughhhh.

Yeah, I agree. Don't send an email or anything, Just stick to NC like what we have been talking about! Your not alone, I know it is not easy, it's really hard. But, remember I'm doing NC too. Today we are now on day 9,

tomorrow will be 10!

If you send an email, call or anything now then you have to start NC all over again and you don't want to do that when you have been doing so good!!*hugs*

[jeffreyt]

didyoumissme, Thanks I know the right thing to do just always better hearing from other people like you thanks for being there you're the best Jeff

[didyoumissme]

didyoumissme, Thanks I know the right thing to do just always better hearing from other people like you thanks for being there you're the best Jeff

Hang in there!! We are on day 11 today.

Your welcome & Thankyou!!!