At a big crossroads

[SMF]

Im 32, married nearly 4 years, together with my wife nearly ten, since we met at university.

 

I was her first serious boyfriend. Id had one lengthy relationship previously and was frankly rather lonely when we met and searching hard for another long term partner.

 

Lots of things have nagged at the back of my mind during our time together. Shes not really my "type" and I have never been overwhelmingly attracted to her physically. She's not much of a thinker or reader (whereas I am) and (without meaning to sound unkind) we dont really operate on the same level in terms of intellect.

 

We very very quickly became comfoprtable together. By which I mean we could say pretty much what we liked, let our faults show and not worry too much about it.

 

We got married at a time when it was plainly the next thing to do. We had a house, cats and had been engaged a while. So we went ahead. That was fine.

 

We have never had a huge amount in common, other than our comfortableness with each other. I couldnt really say there was ever much of a spark. I never felt that swelling of pride to walk into a room with her on my arm, but am protective and supportive.

 

We have both had times when we have thought we might be better off alone, looking for something new and I guess we are both in a rut- but a very comfortable and easy one. Mostly when we do something together it revolves around eating and drinking- which we both enjoy anyway.

 

These days we come home from work, she watches soaps and I play games or guitar. We go to bed and do the same again the next day. We have sex maybe once a month and even then Im generally not especially bothered. Thats been the way for a long time. Its not a great problem.

 

I suspect we could bumble along for another ten years- and maybe forever and not be actively unhappy. She doesnt have any interest or enthusiasm in the things I do, and isnt very supportive ont he rare occasions when I have a problem. Im just a bit of a burden to her if I have something making me unhappy. I do love her.

 

I have however become utterly besotted with a good friend at work and realise that I feel for her already far more passionately than I ever did my wife. She is not an excuse, but rather has made me stop and think about all the things that have nagged away at me over the years- and made me realise that I have just been settling for "easy and comfortable". She is very bright, she can talk with me on a far deeper / more sophisticated level than my wife ever could. Her vitality just makes me feel good to be around- something Ive not really felt for years. She (being a very decent girl) has said to me that she simply cannot think about the possibility of us getting together or tell me what she feels about it, because Im married. So I dont actually know whether, if I leave my wife, she will be there to go to.

 

Ive talked to my wife at some length (without mentioning the girl at work). It was hard work because she simply couldnt or wouldnt really discuss our feelings and situation in any sort of depth. I can see however that she is miserable and does not want me to leave- and I cant bear upsetting her like that.

 

So.... Its all a bit of a mess. Im trying to gather all the thoughts and insight I can from friends, from the girl at work (who has been brilliant about it all) and, now, from here....

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well, it seems like neither you nor your wife are terribly happy with the current arrangement, and you may actually be doing your wife a great favour by leaving her and allowing her to also find someone who actually does..you know...rock her world, rather than simply "there and comfortable".

 

In your position, I would move out, divorce my wife and THEN persue a relationship with someone who I really was attracted to.

 

I bet you've been kicking yourself for ages, wondering why you married someone you arn't really physically attracted to.

 

Some would say you are suffering "grass is greener" syndrome, but this marriage has seemed doomed from the beginning, and stale for a long while. You do not mention children, so that isn't a complicating factor.

 

I say - be honest and leave, so that you can both find a better quality of relationship that is more than merely "bumbling along".

[SMF]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Neither of us have ever really had an interest in children.

 

I think at least on my part because that would be it. Trapped!

 

She does seem distraught at the idea of seperating though. Thats really tough to see. I spend all day convincing myself its the right, logical thing to do. Then go home and see her and cant bear the pain im inflicting on her. Like I said- I do love her.

 

I do wonder about grass is greener syndrome. Im conscious though that the girl at work is literally the first in 10 years to make me think this way. Im quietly terrified that if I leave, and the girl at work doesn't work out either, then I may have thrown away a winning lottery ticket- even if its only a modest prize, gambling for a bigger one!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ah, but everything is a gamble.

 

I suspect the main reason your wife really gets upset at the thought of it ending is simply due to the loss of routine and companionship after all these years, which would be painful to start with - but a good, alive marriage shouldn't be merely about routine and Someone To Be There In The House.

[robowarrior]

To me what is important is the question, do you have any kids? I mean if not you could separate more easily, i would rather prefer that you divorce first, before you step into something new. But before all that, have you even discussed all these things thru-out with your wife? I mean have you ever complained to her? I personally don't think you should complain because ,even more personally i think you should love a person for who they are, not for what you want them to be. Now your putting all kinds of demands on her, which makes me think that if you knew she didn't had these things to offer you shouldn't be with her in the first place. Must both of you live in unhappynes because you considering her too low on an intellectual level and the feeling that you are constantly missing something with her? I mean , didn't these things appear to you in a much earlier stage? Where you could have said to yourself this woman does not offer what i want. It makes me think why you got married in the first place, only to break her heart on the long term and then jumping with this new broad into another relationship. Do you even know her? I mean she might appear better then you then your current wife, but what are her flaws, and things that make you feel in discomfort, if you go with her, isn't there going to be another point in the future where you say to yourself, this woman ALSO doesn't have what i want?

 

I think it was a wrong choice to participate in a marriage because with so little love and connection the whole marriage has become meaningless for both of you. Its just a militairy drill every day. I think you need to be more carefull with what you choose. I mean even with this new woman is she really what you want?

 

I think its quite some drama that you are putting up your sleeve, and im not sure if this new woman is really worth it. In other words what the hell are you doing against yourself? And watch out because its really thin ice your walking on.

[SMF]

All entirely fair comment... We have no kids.

 

I think (and hindsight is a wonderful thing) that we got together at a time when we both craved a long term thing- and it was immediately very easy. That, in many ways is pretty special in itself.

 

I think that I convinced myself that this was the grown up thing. The mad passionate things Id known before are for teenagers and settling down with someone sensible is the next stage. Which is why its a bit of a shock to find myself unable to sleep and nights thinking about this other girl. Its a feeling I havent had since I was about 19! (and in all honesty never really had with my wife).

 

I have mentioned many times over the years how upsetting it is that she is disdainful of my interests, and doesnt seem bothered with offering me any support on the rare occasions I need it. Its just the way she is.

 

I should say, I don't believe Im actively unhappy. Just that perhaps I am wasting my best years.

[SMF]

Me again...

 

Still not sure what is going to happen. My wife actually agrees with a lot of the things I have said. We are just comfortable and we are both actively thinking about whether that is the best thing for us in the long term or whether we can get more out of life apart.

 

Anyone, as much as I try to separate things out, the girl at work remains a big part of the equation for me (I know she probably shouldnt- but its just impossible to separate those thoughts out).

 

Problem is, I don't know if she's even going to be there if I go through with this. We are good friends, exchange dozens of emails or texts most days and had a great lunch together today. Last week I called her and told her how I felt. But she understandably says that she wont allow herself to think in these terms whilst there is a chance she could influence my decision in any way.

 

She said today that her biggest worry was whether she had done anything to precipitate all this. I told her no- which is true. All she has done is be herself, which happens to be very attractive to me.

 

Shes been brilliant- we've carried on with virtually no awkwardness at all. Its driving me nuts though- she holds a key piece to the overall puzzle and I simply don't know how she feels about me.

[novaseeker]

You really can't think about it that way.

 

If you think that the OW is a key to thinking about whether to stay married, you're going about the process the wrong way. You can't really think clearly about a marriage, and particularly one where there is some degree of discontent, if there is someone else you are either involved with, or have "waiting in the wings", as it were. The problem is that this other person is more or less perfect compared to the problematic marriage (in large part because they haven't been tested by the same realities that the marriage has), and that leads to a very clouded view of reality. You end up comparing apples and oranges, and you can draw the wrong conclusion on both sides of the equation.

 

You say it is difficult to think of them separately, but I'm telling you straight ... if you do not, you run a high risk of making a poor decision here.

[SMF]

Well... One way or another its going to get sorted.

 

My wife appears to have reached the same conclusions that I have. We have talked and laughed about it, not a tear in sight either side, and agreed that we will have a trial seperation and see how we feel.

 

As of tomorrow I am hunting for a flat near to work.

 

Im kind of relieved that we have a clear plan of action and no one is bawling their eyes out.