Meeting the ex, but uncertainty is still abundant

[iceman85]

I'm also really only going because she said she wanted to see about me and her awhile ago, so I can only hope thats sincere. We'll see if it really is.

[iceman85]

Well the hour is here, here goes nothing.

[FCTex]

Let us know how it turns out. Wishing you the best.

[iceman85]

Blah, the night didnt go well in my opinion. (I have a mind that tries to set the bar high) I tried my best to taper expectations and I went in not nearly as nervous as I was the last time I saw her.

 

We saw the movie, we joked a bit with each other but she was just bitter and icy and was trying to make me crack by saying things about her new lifestyle. She was saying she wanted to go to a concert and show her boobs and I just said well thats great when before I would have lost it. Then she was saying how disapointed she was that she couldnt text message because she had so many important ones to send, I said oh thats too bad. Then she was bitter and picked at me saying how I was spoiled because my parents pay college tuition and I shouldnt talk about money and stuff.

 

Then she was saying how she likes everything trashy, beaten up and rough and how she wants a * * * *box car. I just told her that was lovely. As for the movie not much, we shared the armrest most of the time with our arms but other then that nothing, no holding hands, nothing. I was so disapointed, I wanted to hold her hand but I didnt go for it I was hoping she would but she didnt look like she wanted it.

 

I sped back to bring her home because I was so upset with the night. I miss her so much I wanted nothing more than to hold her hand or have a moment. We used to see movies and cuddle and be all happy, and it hurt not being able to do that. She still means a lot to me and I hate to see her slipping away. I asked her about the tickets we have when we got home and at first she said yeah i'll go if nothing comes up, then i dont know, then i'll let you know whether you should sell them or bring someone else, then asking me why it mattered if she went or not.

 

I dont know I just dont get why I cant catch a break, ever since school ended I have gotten the shaft with everything it seems. I used to love life and now I hate it. I miss her so much she meant the world to me, I hate who shes become and that makes it harder to swallow.

 

I'm going NC until right before I need to know about the baseball game, other then that she can live without me, because right now I dont want her and her * * * *ty new life around me.

 

I went out afterward and people were asking me if anything was bothering me and I told them no, but it obviously must have been bothering me.

 

I'm sticking with NC for now, if she truly wants to see about us she can cut the * * * * and truly see because she hasnt done that at all. Its time for her to learn what life without me is like.

 

I just wish I knew what to do, she still means alot to me

[backinlife]

Hi Ice

 

I am sorry, it didn't go like you expected it. I have tried to imagine what it would be like to go out with my Ex (even though we are not anywhere close to that), and I have several horror scenarios.

 

Your evening sounds like one. On the other hand, it really is understandable. Things have to go slow now. And this was slow.

 

What bugs me, is that she has become so trashy and childish. If this would have been a date with a girl you had just met, and she would tell you those things, and show hardly any interest in you (e.g. hold your hand, send looks, elctricity in the air when the skin of your arms touches) what would you think?

 

I would think, wow, she is trashy, lost, not a girl to have anything serious with..., plus: she doesn't seem to be crazy about me.

 

Of course this situation is somewhat different, you have shared a lot of intimacy before and you KNOW what is behind this behaviour. But you wouldn't give this kind of credit to someone you had just met. The past "HER" was great, I am sure, and this past girl meant a lot to you. But if you try to see her for what she is right now, she is just not that attractive as a possible future girlfriend.

 

I know its not that easy, its simplifying things and maybe even leaving out important determinants, but in the end those determinants can't be figured out, so sticking to this simplified info is all that you have.

 

I am really sorry about this. I think you should give her time to become herself again (I think she isn't right now... maybe thats part of her, but this trashy side gets way too much priority, its out of proporation). The new "Her" will be different than the old one, but maybe you like it just as much or more.

 

If you love a person that much, you need to trust in their progress. And if her progress includes you, even better. Trust her that she does this right, even if her methods seem strange right now. If she is the woman you know and love, she will manage this just fine eventually.

 

It is not that now everything is failed, It was just a little early for you to meet up i guess. She is nowhere near finding herself, and as sad as it is, you can't help her. She needs to do this by herself, and probably she will lose you in the process, but not necessarily... If she is your girl, and you are still convinced of that, then a month, or even a year, is nothing compared to a lifetime. If you are really that important to each other, you fill find each other again. And nothing that happens now, in this weird phase since breakup will change it, it can only prolong it.

 

Have faith that she will get out of this without you, have faith that this is what she needs right now. she has no other possibilities it seems. And you owe her to grant her this time of being trashy and wild, and take care of yourself while she is gone.

 

I wish i could say anything that makes sense right now, or make you feel better. I am really sorry...

 

Mona

[iceman85]

Mona thanks your post really made me feel better its just so hard to imagine now that she is still that person I shared so much with, and that things would even work in the future.

 

I got weak and talked to her last night about everything. I wanted to know what we were doing and she said nothing has changed, i didnt know what she meant and she said we were gonna see at the end of the summer, which was a lie because just a few weeks ago she said now.

 

She admitted she said some things last night to get a rise out of me, she said i was too sensitive. I told her I missed the special things we shared and how much its hurts that she doesnt miss that and how she can throw away everything we had so easily. She said she wished it worked out and that she misses that too.

 

I told her that we never worked on our problems, then I mentioned what problems I felt were an issue and on the topic of lying she really laid in to me saying that lying is abusive and neglecting and its my fault. I told her I was eliminating that problem from my life. That was the only issue she really had anything to say. I told her that the breakup wasnt all my fault and she shouldnt be blaming me, an outsider looking at our relationship wouldnt have thought it was such a bad relationship.

 

She said that the relationship wasnt salvageable. I got pretty upset when she said that because i told her we never worked on our problems, and how can any progress be made when you just run away from problems. She didnt say much to that.

 

She kept saying she doesnt know how her feelings would ever come back, I told her if she was going to see at the summer to keep an open mind, and she started to get mad at me for that, saying that she doesnt feel romantically for me anymore, and nothing would probably change that. That shes already pretty much made up her mind. I told her that was unfair then to say we would see at the end of the summer. She said be prepared for her to say no to us again.

 

The conversation was pretty hostile because she made it, I was just trying to talk things over and try and get stuff out in the open. I told her she wasnt the same person that I loved and I dont know her anymore. She said thats not true shes the same person.

 

Its definitley NC now, I cant stand talking to her, and as much as I still care about her and as much as I miss her, we have only had up to 5 days of NC. Shes always had me around and thereforeeee she hasnt really had a chance to miss my presense. I've gotten stronger than I was weeks ago and I only plan on getting stronger, she should not have this effect on me although I guess thats love.

 

Its so hard waking up in my bed and remembering sleeping with her in it, having sex with her in it. So much reminds me of her, I dont even know if things remind her of me, I dont even know if she misses me.

 

I'm going to try to give up all hope but thats going to be hard, its going to be hard to not imagine us together again at some point because for some reason I really feel it. Everytime I enter her house I never feel like its the last time. Everytime she says probably not and I dont feel romantically for you I dont think it will be permanant. I'm probably being naive or trying to hold on to the girl I thought I would be with forever, but something in my gut tells me, when other relationships were over I knew they were over deep down.

 

I told her that if she doesnt want me someone else will, someone else will love to be with me and will appreciate me much better than she is. It felt good to say that even though I shouldnt have probably, I could have gotten much angrier but I held back.

 

I dont know why i'm being put through this, but there must be a greater plan for me, maybe its to meet someone even greater than her, maybe its to make what we had stronger, maybe this doesnt involve me and instead involves her figuring out whatever she needs to.

 

I guess we'll see what the future brings, I thank god that I have possibly found someone else who is wonderful in so many ways, I thank god that I found this forum for without it I wouldnt have had necessary support to help me keep going. I thank god for bringing me to my ex and allowing us to share what we shared. I trust in him to lead me to what is right, but I pray for her wellbeing and hopefully one day maybe being together again.

[backinlife]

Hey Ice, you are up early....

 

Mona thanks your post really made me feel better its just so hard to imagine now that she is still that person I shared so much with, and that things would even work in the future.

 

I am going trough all this too, so I don't have ultimate wisdom, but I found some answers that make me the peacful individual for now...For example: This comes from my mom, wise woman. I was complaining a lot that my Ex has changes so much and is such a different person right now (e.g. he cared lots and when he hadn't heard from me he would call and check on me all the time, in such a loving way, he would adore me and be the perfect respectful guy... today he is a drunk and when i call him crying he tells me he doesn't care) So i started thinking that it would be so easy if he would only realize we are good for each other and take it from there, why can't he? My mom says: looking at millions of different people in the world and the different things they do, we might believe that there are so many options of handling things. But its a trick. Not everybody can choose from all these options. In fact, people are rather limited in their choices of how to handle situations from past experiences, their personality, who they are basically. So while it looks like we all can do and act how we want, this is not true. most often we have no choice, we feel trapped. I am sure your ex feels the same, and while she feels she has to do what she is doing she gets angry a.) for feeling trapped, and b) for others telling her she could do it differently. if you say baby, its easy, come back we figure it out, you don't do her justice. She wouldn't have taken the step to leave you if she had known how to stay around. if you say it is so easy, she will feel like an idiot for not being able to despite.. So let her know its OK, perfectly valid. Stop pushing, by that you don't acknowledge her trouble.

 

Its the same for me when people tell me " Mona, its over, he said it and you knw he means it. So move on" and at the same time i know all this, but i can't move on. Despite the fact that I know all this. And it makes me feel even smaller, that i even want to move on but still can't. i feel i have no control and I am trapped. I don't know about you, but I can relate to her...

 

I got weak and talked to her last night about everything. I wanted to know what we were doing and she said nothing has changed, i didnt know what she meant and she said we were gonna see at the end of the summer, which was a lie because just a few weeks ago she said now.

 

If its going to happen at the end of the summer, then not because you scheduled it for then. Its not abpout agreements at this point. She doesn't owe you to think about it even. She broke it off, she said she won't come back. it is legitimate! Even if you can't understand her reasons at all. You need to get out of this position. It is disrespectful for yourself. I know it is close to impossible. But you need to detach and not make an idiot out of yourself in front of her. Stop asking her, stop talking, in the end actions will decide, not words.

 

She admitted she said some things last night to get a rise out of me, she said i was too sensitive. I told her I missed the special things we shared and how much its hurts that she doesnt miss that and how she can throw away everything we had so easily. She said she wished it worked out and that she misses that too.

 

Don't pressure her into saying stuff like this. its bad for you to hear it, and she will probably hate herself for saying it.

 

I told her that we never worked on our problems, then I mentioned what problems I felt were an issue and on the topic of lying she really laid in to me saying that lying is abusive and neglecting and its my fault. I told her I was eliminating that problem from my life. That was the only issue she really had anything to say. I told her that the breakup wasnt all my fault and she shouldnt be blaming me, an outsider looking at our relationship wouldnt have thought it was such a bad relationship.

 

I am sure it wasn't. And i am sure you both did all you could at the time. Thats also one by my mom. Stop thinking about what you/she could have done differently. Be sure that at the time, you did what you did, and it was at the time what you could do. it's ok. if that wasn't enough, you will grow and be better next time.

 

She said that the relationship wasnt salvageable. I got pretty upset when she said that because i told her we never worked on our problems, and how can any progress be made when you just run away from problems. She didnt say much to that.

 

She says this, she sais that.... I get the feeling she doesn't really know either. And thats ok. I am pretty confused right now, and the range of my thoughts is huge. one second this, one second the other. German Saying: Don't set your sail when the sea is stormy. Right now its madness, so don't try to get lasting agreements, or messages.

 

She kept saying she doesnt know how her feelings would ever come back, I told her if she was going to see at the summer to keep an open mind, and she started to get mad at me for that, saying that she doesnt feel romantically for me anymore, and nothing would probably change that. That shes already pretty much made up her mind. I told her that was unfair then to say we would see at the end of the summer. She said be prepared for her to say no to us again.

 

Be not only prepared to her saying no, prepare to say no. End of the summer is still a while in the future. You should aslo keep an open mind. Maybe about the possibility of YOU being fine without her then. I know it sounds sick to you now, and you don't want to hear it, cause this relationship was so special to you, and all that. But you sound like a special guy. Maybe you are even bigger than this love. Don't call her unfair, maybe she needs this end of summer thing for herself, it is a lot of pain to break away from you, maybe she needs to tell herself that there is this opion, so she can bear it. Maybe she truly believes it. End of summer, ok, why don't you take care of yourself till then. Nothing is going to happen before that anyway. Maybe you don't even want that anymore then...

 

The conversation was pretty hostile because she made it, I was just trying to talk things over and try and get stuff out in the open. I told her she wasnt the same person that I loved and I dont know her anymore. She said thats not true shes the same person.

 

You call her on the things she is troubled with right now. she doesn't want to deal with this, obviously, she broke up with you, so she didn't have to deal with it... Leave her alone, give her a chance to figure it out on her own.

 

Its definitley NC now, I cant stand talking to her, and as much as I still care about her and as much as I miss her, we have only had up to 5 days of NC. Shes always had me around and thereforeeee she hasnt really had a chance to miss my presense. I've gotten stronger than I was weeks ago and I only plan on getting stronger, she should not have this effect on me although I guess thats love.

 

Its great what you are doing. i know it feels wrong. And i know its appaling that one person can have so much power over us. But consider that this is not only her power affecting you, you are part of this energy too. It probably not only hurting cause you love her, but also because you WANT to love her. You are clinging on to the idea of love as much as you are clinging on to her. I am so sorry you are hurting. I am pretty sure you are an amazing guy, sad to hear you are down.

 

Its so hard waking up in my bed and remembering sleeping with her in it, having sex with her in it. So much reminds me of her, I dont even know if things remind her of me, I dont even know if she misses me.

 

She does, I am sure. Anything else is unlikely.

 

I'm going to try to give up all hope but thats going to be hard, its going to be hard to not imagine us together again at some point because for some reason I really feel it. Everytime I enter her house I never feel like its the last time. Everytime she says probably not and I dont feel romantically for you I dont think it will be permanant. I'm probably being naive or trying to hold on to the girl I thought I would be with forever, but something in my gut tells me, when other relationships were over I knew they were over deep down.

 

If she is the one, she will come back. Regardless. Rely on that, and don't wait for it.

 

I told her that if she doesnt want me someone else will, someone else will love to be with me and will appreciate me much better than she is. It felt good to say that even though I shouldnt have probably, I could have gotten much angrier but I held back.

 

I am sure you are right.

 

I dont know why i'm being put through this, but there must be a greater plan for me, maybe its to meet someone even greater than her, maybe its to make what we had stronger, maybe this doesnt involve me and instead involves her figuring out whatever she needs to.

 

I guess we'll see what the future brings, I thank god that I have possibly found someone else who is wonderful in so many ways, I thank god that I found this forum for without it I wouldnt have had necessary support to help me keep going. I thank god for bringing me to my ex and allowing us to share what we shared. I trust in him to lead me to what is right, but I pray for her wellbeing and hopefully one day maybe being together again.

 

ja, you will see what the future brings anyway... I don't believe in god as in one that pulls the strings, i believe in a communal plan, complexity and interdependencies, and its too complex to figure it out. By trying we only waste energy. Something good will happen, I am sure.

 

I sometimes get angry at myslef for being so unable to do what i want and what is logical, but i am also proud i can have such strong feelings... it gives me hope.

 

HUG!

 

Mona

[lady00]

Sounds like she's sensing a bit of neediness on your part. If you want her back, I don't think bringing up the relationship yourself is the way to go about it. Ideally, you would keep limited contact and keep it light and fun. Talking about the relationship and why it failed is heavy talk and it's not fun. That won't draw her in and make her curious. Pulling away and doing your own thing might. You want her to get to a point where she starts to convince herself that she wants to try the relationship again because being with you is more enjoyable for her than being apart. Limit your contact, date new people, and keep the contact with your ex light and breezy.

[iceman85]

Thank you so much Mona it touches me you took so much time and effort to respond to me.

 

Yeah I am just having a bad day, I just guess I thought we meant enough to each other that nothing would come between it, but it did. I just hate to see her like she currently is because I care for her regardless and dont want to see her going through what she is.

 

I looked at her last night and just wanted to hold her, I saw her and remembered everything and wanted the night to be like all the other ones we had. I wanted to be happy again, I dont want to live this hell i've been going through. I hate how she says some things and then it changes and then she blames me for it.

 

I love the idea of love and really want that for sure, but she was also someone who I loved for who she was and I enjoyed being with her the person so much, I felt like we complimented each other perfectly.

 

When we shared the arm rest with our arms I felt happy, i felt like I wanted to just grab her hand, I felt that rush that you get.

 

I dont know, I know I have to go NC, thats gonna be really hard but I've already blocked her on AIM and she hasnt called in awhile. I hate that I still check my phone to see if she called or texted though, I wish I could break that habit.

 

I don't know I hope that given time the situation wont be as bad. I just feel like i've been screwed over for months now and nothing is changing that. I continue to work on myself and better myself but I just dont see results, I cant get rid of that cloud.

[iceman85]

Thanks Lady, I tried last night I really did. I was joking around with her, trying to be calm and cool. I didnt try anything with her. Didnt say anything about us while we were out. Tried to avoid getting riled up by her, tried to squash any arguments that I saw coming.

 

If I go NC and do my own thing how will she ever know what I'm doing? Wont she just assume I was the same person she last saw or talked to? I have been kind of dating someone new and its good so far I just hope it keeps going that way, but that situation is hard too because theres an age gap of 4 years and I can feel it at times and it just disapoints me because I know with my ex it wouldnt be that way.

 

It also doesnt help that people make fun of me for both situations, saying that I am stupid and naive for caring so much about someone, and that i'm weird for being with someone 4 years apart and younger then me.

 

I dont even know what her intention was for meeting last night, she knows I dont want to be friends, and she never said anything about that when we've agreed to meet, then again she never said anything the other way other then that one time that we agreed to take things slow and see.