Meeting the ex, but uncertainty is still abundant

[blender]

You're doing fine Iceman, just be patient, remember you do NOT have any control over this, only YOURSELF and that is to maintain no contact, one day at a time. What is the alternative? Honestly ask yourself each time you have the urge, and then let go and know that it's best to leave some space and concentrate on YOU. Everything you are feeling right now is so normal, I use to feel "so desperate" I couldn't calm myself down from all my "thoughts' and "what if's" but the FACT is, there is NOTHING you can do right now, but have the SELF RESPECT to stay away, it's best, it really is, always think it all the way through your fear, what if you called her right now, what would you accomplish, how would you feel afterwards, you know the answers, so breathe, relax and remember you are giving your relationship with her the biggest chance by staying in NO CONTACT, you're doing this for yourself too... it's so difficult but it's the best thing, honest it is.. Can you wisely think of any alternative?

[iceman85]

Thanks Blender, I do keep control of myself eventually its just really hard to do. I just figure that this isnt the classic NC case here. There was a meeting and we were talking better, she even said she wanted to see about us now that she was single, we both agreed to take it slow. I just for some reason can't believe NC is best here but I'll stick with it if thats what it takes.

 

I just dont understand how after our meeting she wouldnt contact me, it makes me think and feel bad things I dont know its just hard.

[rnorth]

iceman85:

 

Take solace in that she is probably wondering why you haven't reacted the way she would expect - calling her and asking when you can see her again. This is unfamiliar ground for her and is probably creating some intrigue. That is a good thing!!!

 

Keep it up. She will call you. Let her. Be strong. It really sounds like your meeting made an impression. Don't throw it all away by calling her and going back to the old needy person from whom she pulled away.

 

And please don't hang on everything she says or how she says it. Yesterday, my ex had some things of mine (actually, gifts she had given me that I had not picked up from her house) waiting for me on her dining room table when I went over to her house to pick up the dog. I did not let it get to me. Later I found out that she put my name on the dog's registration as well as her own (new county law for dogs off leash in open space). She wants me to keep her house key. Point is, there are ups and downs and really not to let the downs get to you nor get too excited about the ups. Keep living your life and get excited for whatever is around the corner. I guarantee that makes a positive last impression.

 

Think about the last impression you leave for someone as you depart. Is it one of strength and confidence or neediness? Always have a goal of leaving a positive last impression. To stay consistent, have this goal with everyone with whom you interact.

 

Stay calm. Don't call her. Let her call you. And be okay with anything she tells you.

[iceman85]

Thanks Rnorth that makes me feel a lot better. I'm sure she is wondering why I havent talked with her and just what i've been up to. I am really happy that the last words we said to each other were I miss you wrapped up with a hug.

 

I think sometimes I try to read too much into simple words or actions, and usually for some reason I make it into the worst case scenario.

 

I'll do my best to stay calm, I'm committed on letting her come to me, thats the only way and I know it. I realized that as much as I wanted to talk to her last night, I was all wound up about things and that wouldnt have worked. I always find a reason not to call or talk to her and thats good.

 

I also realized that by not talking to her after our meeting that gives her time to really think without interference, she gets to have that time for herself that she probably needs.

 

We'll see what happens, i'm hoping and praying for the best not just for me but for all of you out there as well, without all of you I wouldnt be able to be as strong as I am today, and always having people there to listen and care is a great feeling.

[Pikey1972]

You're doing great, iceman85, stay calm and keep doing your own thing and living your own life, and you'll be fine!

[iceman85]

Thanks for all the support guys i'm doing alright its just hard to go NC right after we had what I thought was a good meeting, because I felt like we were gonna work on us, she said she wanted to see about us. So its hard to just sit and wait for her to initiate contact. I'm staying strong with all your help and we'll see what happens.

[blender]

Iceman, give yourself a big pat on the back, you have grown so much since your earlier posts, I used to think that you weren't even listening to anyone here that told you what you didn't want to hear, but the fact is, you have. You have matured, gotten more confident (the most attractive quality) and you have made the "CHOICE" to change your "pattern" and this will be more rewarding than you can even imagine.

 

You are doing so well, and you sound like you are "thinking things through and being honest with yourself" and that's so wise. Before it seemed like you were simply in "reaction" mode instead of living your day with "intent" and now it's so great to hear that you "intend to wait for a bit" and you know that you showed a strong, confident, loving, kind side of yourself the last time you saw her...

 

now it is in God's hands, and you can be so proud and feel really good about the choices you have made and the way you are choosing to behave towards her, you are giving yourself and her the respect of some time and space, so no matter what happens, it now has the potential of "honesty, love, respect" and above all a healthier YOU or perhaps even a healthier YOU AND HER.

 

You are now in a "win-win" situation for yourself personally or for both of you as a couple.. Stay strong, and keep asking yourself honest questions and remember to separate your feelings from the facts... best, blender

[iceman85]

Thank you Blender, you always have great advice and everything you say is correct. Hopefully i'll hear something soon, but I have to set myself up for the fact that I wont. I thought about what would happen if I called or talked to her. And I figured it would be ok, it probably wouldnt be great, and we wouldnt talk about anything about us, so basically we would be in the same place we were at before, without my good last impression still on her mind.

 

Its a really tough thing to go through but i'll make it bit by bit and just reassure myself that things will be alright no matter what. Even though right now its hard for me to let go of everything because I can't. I love her and it seems like theres a window there right now.

[blender]

Yes, there is a window, open it, and let YOURSELF out... and breathe the new truthful, self respecting air.... and if she choose to step out there with you, okay, but if not, don't ignore the beautiful scenery, and waste your precious energy in "hopes' of what could be, embrace what "is". And that "is" that YOU are in a self respecting, honest place, and you are growing, learning and the miracle will be yours.

[futychick]

Iceman..hang on in there...

I know how you feell.....confident things may work out one minute..then despair and utter lonliness the next...its a terrible feeling to have,,

I felt my meeting with the hubby was positive then I came crashing to earth the next day..when he said he still needd to be alone in his life..and didnt feel different after we met...

I keep thinking of the hugs..the kiss..etc....but it didnt change anything in him...

BUT I still have hope...as we are not sat in teh solicitors office dividing assets....and while I still got my ring on then there is still hope...

I SOOOOO wish I could fast forward a few mths..to try get over this hurt...

and its the weekend tom,,,,the worst time ever yes ????

Keep going Iceman....hang in there....miracles do happen....

I am rooting for you..and sending positive thoughts always to you and your situation..

 

love ya loads

futy xx

[iceman85]

Thanks futy, its just so so tough to hang in there when one minute you have hope then the next you think your a fool and feel all that despair and lonliness. You see other couples happily walking around and it makes me want to be with her so much. Just to hold her hand and share my love with her. Today was really tough I was out of it, i couldnt be myself today, I'm doing my best to hang in there though, but its one of the worst things ive ever dealt with. I think it would be easier if I didnt have hope but who knows. It just sucks. And now the weekend is coming and 4th of July and all the reminds me of is kissing her under the fireworks.

[futychick]

Oh Iceman..I know...truly I do

I was all confident after my meeting on Tues...and then Yest Thurs..was the worst day ever..I didnt even sleep...nothing..just sat and cried all day thinking how even the smallest things make me happy..ie a hug from him on Tues...and yet 3 mths ago I was having all the hugs..kisses I wanted...now I ve had 2 hugs and 1 kiss in a mth..and I feel like Im drowning...

and yes..arent the weekends the worst......I HATE them...whereas before we used to do so much together...

 

BUT probably cos I fed up/ tired/ despondent I asked my hubby if he would come out for a walk with me this weekend...to one of our favourite places..he said yes....altho was expecting a big no....

i was at the point where I dint gve a s***...

so will take his dog..( which he left behind in his rush to leave ) and have a walk out in the country with him...

so am BIT more positive today..I think ???

BUT agian..I excited to see him him for a walk..and yet its only a walk...feel pathetic really...do you know what I mean??

oh well....got to keep trying...while we still breathing there is still hope !!

 

take care

 

futy xx

[onayrb]

Hey futy hang in there.

 

I read a self help book lately called Embracing uncertainty by susan Jeffers -it was good for my situation -being deeply uncertain and troubled about the return of the girl I fell for after 6 months away. Well now she's back, I'm still uncertain and still reading it!!

 

Anyway, I digress..there is a bit in the book where she says to use the term "this too will pass". When you feel really bad, or really good or all shades of feeling in between that stick out in your mind!, say to yourself, this too will pass. It's cool and acknowledges and calmly observes the ups and downs. (Remember to say it on an up as well as a down). Whenever I got/get in a real dark panic or hit a real high I say it to myself and it helps.

 

Also in my situation (you know a little of as you kindly responded to my thread) I stamp out the past and try really hard to think of only the present and maybe a bit of the future (but not hoping - wondering). I's really effective as all of my hurt is based on how we used to be and how mad for each other we were before she went away. But in reality that is in the past now and it does not matter. You are dealing with the present and things have (sadly) changed. Like you, this was my thought earlier: Before she left we held each other so hard and kissed passionately and she cried and was truly shaken that we were to be apart. We met again on wednesday and we did a sort of air kiss on arrival and the same when she left. We may as well have shook hands. It burns, the contrast -but that is my present situation and I might get a kiss and a hug one day -I might not -but what I do is stamp out the past comparison when it creeps in my head BECAUSE IT HURTS AND BECAUSE IT IS IN THE PAST. You have my thoughts and best wishes.

[futychick]

ONA

that info from yu was really useful..I understand abt trying to stop looking in the past..you are right..IT IS THE PAST...and doesnt help to cling on to it...dificult though..

also I love that phrase ...'it will pass soon' I use that for panic attacks.whcih i get on and off ...but youre right i may start using it for my 'down' time too...

keep hanging in there...

I guess one day it will get easier...for us all...I hope anyway..

 

love ya loads

 

futy xx

[onayrb]

glad it helped. Yes use "it too will pass" when you are feeling up/down/panic -whatever! the point is, it will pass because guess what, you will have another down after the up or up after a down. It is a calm acknowledgement and acceptance of all moods, that they come and they go again. Try and watch them and learn from them as I guess the idea is that when you feel a really dark moment arrive there is less panic because you observe it calmy. Sorry if this sounds b*llocks but it helped me and I'm usually a bit cynical for "self help". And yes of course -some moments that come are so dark that you just have to fall into them and cry. That is also beneficial. It's all very interesting. Just wish I did not have to be in this situation and would rather be interested in something less desolate and painful. Have a good w/e. Enjoy the football. Wonder if we'll actually play remotely well this time! x

[iceman85]

Hey guys, She imed me last night when I went online and we talked a bit. At first again she wasnt saying much just mhmm or ahh and I hate that it really makes me think someone doesnt care when their talking to you.

 

However I just stayed calm and kept talking, and again she eventually opened up. I told her the picture I took of her with my cell phone didnt come out right and she said that I could take another when we saw each other next, I told her to call me when she was ready and she said ok.

 

Then we got into the topic of drugs and she said that she found people that did them intresting. I hated this because I know she is trying this stuff out and I hate it because I care for her so much and I want her away from it. But I just simply said I cant make decisions for others but I can for myself, and I wouldnt do that.

 

Then I told her that I enjoy hearing her voice and then she said that she enjoyed hearing my voice also after like a 5 minute pause. That made me feel good, but everyones telling me that i'm naive and to give up, and I dont think its right, I love this girl and since I do I dont think that throwing away that chance is right.

 

I had a horrible day yesterday and probably will today, my mind and heart were racing all night and day and it was just so hard.

 

It sucks, everybody tells me to give up that she isnt good, but I know she is, they tell me i wasnt in love but I know I was, then I have other people telling me that if I love her to go all out, and its hard not to but all the advice i've gotten here tells me not to. I just am so confused, I wish this pain would end, I wish I knew for sure if we would get back together or not. I wish it didnt take so long, I dont know if i'm wasting my time or not. People tell me shes playing me and I really dont think she is, i hope she wouldnt do that to me. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel lost completley, but I'm glad I have my faith because that carries me, and settles me down.

 

I have people telling me to give up that I'm being naive here that I wasnt in love, but I feel their wrong, I was in love with her and she with me and only we know that. Then other people tell me that if I feel this way then to go all out. But I think thats wrong also because smothering her with all of that isnt going to work either. So I have no idea what to do.

 

I feel like telling her I love her, or doing something simple like calling her right before we both go to bed and telling her goodnight. Just something small to show I care, but I dont know what to do i'm really lost and would appreciate what your input is. I feel like i'm battling against the world here and that i'm walking on eggshells and one wrong move means the end.

[futychick]

Iceman...hiya its futy,..

 

I have learnt that only you know what is the right thing to do and whether you shud pursue her..also no one else has the right to tell you what your feelings are for her...or were...only you know whats in your heart...

 

Iam a great believer in folowing your instinct..and what is in your heart..

with my situation i have had many people giving their opinion..i take it gracefully but in the end i do what feels right for me....

 

As you know i met my hubby on Tues...my friends told me after the meeting to leave him alone..with nocontact and let him chase me...

I dont know why i ignored their advice ..it didnt feel right...and my heart said s** it...I bloody love him and im NOT going to give up that easy...

SO purely on impulse I asked him to come for a walk Sun and he agreed...and Im glad i ignored friends advice as i wouldnt be seeing him...

 

I believe ( and this may sound silly) that when we have an impulsive thought or a thought that comes straight from our heart then that is our guardian angel advsiing us...

you haveto do whats right for you..and if you look into your heart you will find the answer...

and lets face it.the way i look at it....it cant get much worse..SO i askd him to go for a walk with me....he can only say no...no one will die from it..!! LOL

and this time i got a good result...

sometimes life requires us to have a leap of faith..its scary....but life is so short and Im not going to let my hubby go at the moemnt..while we are both still breathing and there is no divorce papers to sign then..there is still hope....

and remember ....BE POSITIVE...yes be realistic...but people change from day to day....you may not get her love back but you just might....

 

I gonna light my candles tonight and think of you and hope SOO much that every day sees a positive step for you and your healing and also hope for the future for you and the one you love...

 

take care Iceman..

 

futy xx

[iceman85]

Thanks futy I feel like I really need it, I hate this, if we care for each other why do we have to play these stupid games.

 

I talked to her a bit and she said that shes really busy next week and most likely wont be able to see me. I hate this up and down game, I love her and want nothing more than to be with her again. I hate this waiting, I hate this uncertainty. I dont know what to say to her, every day is so hard for me.

[iceman85]

Ugh I did it, I spilled my guts to her. She came online and we talked and then she said something about wanting to move to california and I said that I realize that I want to move somewhere else also and she said why are you realizing everything now and not when we were together it probably would be different now if that was the case. And for some reason that just triggered something in me and it came all spilling out.

 

I told her that I missed her the person and that when I flirted with other girls it didnt feel right because it wasnt her, she said yeah I know. Then I went on to tell her how special everything we shared was and that I realized we invested too much into each other and she said no that i was the one who didnt realize that and i said fine then i didnt realize that.

 

She said that we're just simply seeing about things, she also said that she doesnt have feelings for me, that she wishes it could have worked and all the same stuff i heard before. This time though it didnt break me like in the past because I think I had become used to it.

 

She said that she doesnt think anything would work, that she wants to be single and needs to figure things out for herself or whatever. I said I thought that was the case and thats fine. I told her that I'm happy with all the positive changes i've seen in me since the breakup but that I wish that my new more complete life could be totally complete with her a part of it and she said yeah i know.

 

I know that everyone here will say it was the stupidest thing I could have done, and I kind of feel stupid for doing it too, but I also feel kind of good about it at the same time. I dont know, at least we're gonna see what happens and that is a positive.

 

What should I do from here?

[Fivek]

...if we care for each other why do we have to play these stupid games.

 

Think about what you have just said, friend. And listen to FCTex as well, him and I were in the exact same position (a few months ago) that you are in currently. There must come a point when you must realize on your own that she is the one playing these games with you, and I fear that this might only dawn upon you once she begins dating another.

[iceman85]

She did date another guy, that is done. I felt like the time for game playing was over I didnt think it was doing anything. Maybe thats why I spilt my guts to her, it wasnt everything but it was alot of it.

 

She doesnt seem to know what she wants although she said she wants to be single and sort out her own crap, yet she still wants to see about us. Who knows, she said she doubt we'll get back together, i said i cant predict the future. I just feel bad that I spilt stuff when I probably shouldnt have. Like I said, I have a plan that I am going to try and follow and at least we are going to see about things, I guess thats a good thing. I just feel like an idiot for saying everything I did.

[Fivek]

Don't beat yourself too hard over it, but really try to concentrate on yourself for now. Cut her out of your life and go strict NC. You're in no position to make any sort of move when you consider her actions over your own.

 

Trust me when I say things will get better when you implement NC, although it may not show for months at a time. And even when she does try to pry into your life (which she will) you must continue to maintain strict NC. No LC, NC all the way. She is sitting on the fence and will continue to sit on the fence as long as you are available to her. You must move on.

 

The real question is how many guys must she date for you to realize this?

 

Only if she asks you back with exact wording should you consider a possible future with her.

 

I know it sounds rough, but believe me when I say things can only get better.

[futychick]

NOOOO dont feel an idiot...you said what was in your heart...relax..we are only human and sometimes we do the wrong thing....or its the right thing but its her that makes it feel the wrong thing cos of the way she reacts...

 

i know its hard not to say how you feel.....this NC is good advice...but we not all that strong to follow it totally....

 

heck..this is so hard cos i REALLY know how you feel..and just donthave the magic wand to make it better....

 

I spoke to my hubby arranging our walk tom...and i did what you did,..blurted it all out...couldnt help it...told him i loved him....etc..but also told him he was the losing the best thing that ever happened//etc etc...Yes I was on a roll by that stage....LOL..

he got very defensive and even abrupt and so i said " Hey you t***..you abandoned me and the kids 10 wks ago cos you cant cope..well....have you ever stopped to think how i am b***** coping....????" Told him i was been patient and kind to him cos i understood he wasnt well..but also said well im human too..and i feel like running away too....

well...he went VERY quiet....and it didnt do any harm...he still meeting me tomorrow for a walk....b ut i know many people would say wrong thing to say to him...but I hurt too....and i told him i not prepared to give up on us cos he cant cope with responsibilties....etc..

 

good news tho he finally seen a doctor re. his state of mind..and willbegin therapy soon....SOOO that might bring to light the reasons for all this...

 

well now what for you iceman....I just dont know ...what do you feell???

leave it a while then call her agin..???

 

i got some good advice from 2 e books i downloaded..

stop your divorce and get your ex back....recommended on here..really good...

hope you ok and hanging in there??? will think of you.....this weekend...and if i come up with the magic formula..you will be the first to know...

 

take care sweetie..

 

futy xx

[iceman85]

Thanks futy i downloaded the ex back ebook as well and I think im going to follow that plan. I think that is the best way to get her back. She says her feelings left and the only way to go at this is try and rekindle those feelings.

 

I dont know im so lost, I hate this situation, all i wanted was a nice summer with her, its all i looked forward to all school year and then I got this.Ugh, i love her so much too.

[saltwatergirl]

.

 

all i wanted was a nice summer with her, its all i looked forward to all school year and then I got this.

 

You have no idea how many of us here are in that same boat!! Im so tired of my summers getting screwed up.

 

Salt