Guys, keep your phone conversations down to a minimum!

[Dating Coach]

I'm going to delve into phone/IM/Email conversations and why they should be kept down to a minimum when trying to court a woman.

 

The whole point of dating (for most people) is to learn about the girl and create chemistry. I think that it goes without saying that chemistry is best created, served, measured, and judged when you are face to face with someone.

Talking over the phone or over email does not lend as well to romantic situations in comparison to talking with that person in a face to face scenario. You cannot read each others body language, you cannot see each others smile, you cannot read nervous movements such as playing with hair, she cannot flirt by touch, you can't as easily determine if she is bored as well over the phone/email/IM, etc, etc. These things are excluded from conversations over the phone.

If you want to be in the best position to build attraction and flirting, then you will want as many tools at your disposal as possible. Everything you can do over the phone you can do in person, yet not everything you do in person can be done over the phone.

 

What is the whole goal of dating anyway? For most people their goal is a mature romantic relationship. The best way to increase your flirting skills and your ability to reach that goal is through practice. You are going to want as much practice as possible, so save most of that practice for face to face conversations. Not only is there so much more involved in a face to face conversation, but a real relationship doesn't take place over the phone-and that's what you are trying to build. Limit how much time you waste on the phone and get more experience in carrying conversations in person. Use the phone for setting up dates.

 

Too often I see the people with the lowest dating skills using the phone the most. Often it becomes a crutch, something they rely on in order to talk to the object of their affection. Just recently I read a thread where a guy said he met a woman, they hit if off, and exchanged numbers. Instead of calling her to set up a date, he instead called her up to chat, like buddies. He started having long phone conversations with her, lasting around an hour each time. At first she was receptive, but then over time she stopped answering his calls. Her interest level dropped. Here she was hoping to get a date with this guy, and he never had the nerve to ask her out. Instead, he called her up and spent all of his time trying to get to know her over the phone talking about god knows what. If she wanted that kind of relationship, she would have called a friend. This guy was supposed to ask her out, and eventually she moved on and left him wondering where he went wrong.

 

His problem? He used the phone as a crutch because he was too nervous to ask her out on a real date. He was not only limiting his ability to build chemistry, but the phone also limited his ability to be fun and exciting, as well as depriving himself of practice at courting someone in a face to face scenario. Sure it's not always comfortable and easy to ask someone out, but the only way that will get easier is to start doing it.

 

Use the phone to set up dates, try to limit yourself to 5 minutes tops, and YOU be the one to end the conversation. The last thing you want to do is spend hours talking about this or that and revealing all of your cards and exhausting topics of conversation that could have been had in person. Let her get to know you in person.

[Mrocza]

I totally agree with what you're saying...but not necessarily 5 minute conversations. Say you have a date planned a few days away and you call to chat...if the conversation flows, go for it, but still keep it short.

 

I believe the less time on the phone, the more intrigue and anticipation towards the actual date. Not being a phone person, I'm usually the one to throw guys off (I guess the common misconception that all women are motormouths?) by ending the conversation.

 

It works both ways. Show you care by calling in, but keep the heart-to-heats in person.

[Q10]

What about on long distance relationships?

[Dating Coach]

What about on long distance relationships?

 

Chances are if you are talking with someone who is a long distance away, you've already established a relationship

 

I totally agree with what you're saying...but not necessarily 5 minute conversations. Say you have a date planned a few days away and you call to chat...if the conversation flows, go for it, but still keep it short.

 

I still say strive for a limit of 5 minutes. If the conversation is going well and a good amount of flirting is going on, I am sure it doesn't hurt you to talk a little longer, but the best communication is done in person. If not, then a person definitely needs the practice in getting better at face to face anyway.

 

I believe the less time on the phone, the more intrigue and anticipation towards the actual date.

 

Definitely.

[tylercdurden2004]

Quite frankly the phone is or building rapport with people in general. I could never imagine any good sales person strictly trying to do his business over the phone and likewise I cant see how trying to get to know someone over the phone/internet/IM is really going to work, until you meet them in person. To much is missed by not being in person:

 

- tone of voice

- inflection of voice

- eye movement/contact

- posture

- hand movements

- etc etc etc

 

These are all things that allow for complete communication. Without them things can and do get lost in translation. A prime example of this is meeting people who are not native speakers of a language. They all talk about how difficult it is to talk on the phone. You can comunicate much more effectively IN PERSON. Dont kid yourself otherwise. Sure some cases, such as Long Distance Relationships may require more digital contact but there is no excuse for not doing face to face whenever possible.

 

Sadly I am finding more and more people are "cocooning" themselves and relying digital interfaces to do the majority of there communicating. If your uncomfortable meeting people in person then go out and get some help, there are many options out there for this. Interestingly I read the other day in the newspaper that there has been a "detox" clinic opened for online gamers. Its now being recognized as a serious problem because more and more people are relying on online video games among other digital forms for there "social" interaction. You cannot live your life at home away from others so the sooner people recognize and do something about their fears of social interaction the better.

[Haven]

Too often I see the people with the lowest dating skills using the phone the most. Often it becomes a crutch, something they rely on in order to talk to the object of their affection.

Actually, I think the people with the lowest dating skills use instant messaging. I've had a few guys in the past who started IMing me literally every time I signed on.. annoying to say the least. One or two even asked me out via IM. That's just.. I don't even know, I have no words for it.

[rose2summer]

I think the phone is good for maintaining a relationship when you are spread far and wide but agree with everyone that human touch and interaction is important in person.

[Dating Coach]

Actually, I think the people with the lowest dating skills use instant messaging. I've had a few guys in the past who started IMing me literally every time I signed on.. annoying to say the least. One or two even asked me out via IM. That's just.. I don't even know, I have no words for it.

 

True, and that's what I mean. Phone/email/IM, all fall into this category.

 

PS. Your ex was dense! My god your story was funny!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

If one approaches dating as a game, (hey, that's not always bad), then the advice seems logical.

 

If you have met a person you already have a rapport with, it's natural to talk for hours.

[moondog627]

If one approaches dating as a game, (hey, that's not always bad), then the advice seems logical.

 

If you have met a person you already have a rapport with, it's natural to talk for hours.

 

I agree. While I think it is better to leave phone conversations to a minimum and save all the good material for in person, I don't think there has to be such stringent rules on making the conversation as short as possible. If you're wrapped up in a moment and in a good conversation GO WITH IT. I'm not advocating every conversation being 1-3 hours long. But if you talk for 15-30 minutes, so be it. If a person is into you then going an extra 10-15 minutes won't hurt you.

[Dating Coach]

The five minutes should be a guideline. You can bend it if necessary but when you say something like that the pushover guys are going to be more and more likely to bend the guidelines frequently. DO you best to get to the point, set up the date, and say what you have to say in person. Besides, don't you have something more exciting to do then talk for hours on the phone?

[tylercdurden2004]

There is no hard and fast rule on time limits. However you should not be doing on the phone what you can do in person. In life, period.

[Budman]

DD (Should call you back, was out) Anyway, uhm I agree with the advice, honestly you can't harm yourself by not being on the phone, but you can harm yourself by being on the phone The thought is you have to give people time to miss you.

 

It's like with my girlfriend and I we don't talk on the phone for long periods of time because quite honestly I lose interest, and so does she. (I did this at work), its not because we don't like each other (and its not even losing interest per say, but its because sitting on the phone even with one of the most amazing people can be boring (I personally work in a call center which adds a new level of hatred), I used to talk on the phone constantly, but for example with my gf everything I've learned about her has been face to face very little learned from the phone (a bit from IM). However, I must state that her beautiful blue eyes and smile is a huge distraction, I get lost staring into them at times.

 

I mean look at some of the other messages that could be conveyed by it as well:

 

You want to keep tabs on them

Keep them occupied

that you're lonely and there is no other way to occupy yourself

 

I mean it can convey good things too, but in courting it can be taken a whole hell of a lot worse. Hell in Bf/GF I almost don't like it as well, just because you miss out on holding her. (I'm way too touchy I know).

[Dating Coach]

DD (Should call you back, was out).

 

We'll work something out, just not this week... I'm broke at the moment...

[Dating Coach]

There is no hard and fast rule on time limits. However you should not be doing on the phone what you can do in person. In life, period.

 

Well said. I try to keep it under 5 minutes. It shouldn't take much longer than that to say what needs to be said and set up plans.

[novaseeker]

I think it's a YMMV area.

 

When I met my ex-wife, we met in person at the office, but spent a lot of time (hours) talking on the phone before we went on our first "date". It really had no impact on our interest in each other, as we never really ran out of things to discuss with each other (we still don't).

 

I agree that in general it's bad to tell someone your whole life story on the phone, but at the same time it really does depend on the situation. There are surely plenty of people who have had very good relationships develop out of situations where, at the beginning, there were long phone conversations taking place.

 

I do agree about the online "cocooning" comment Tyler made, however. It's an unfortunate trend. There are literally tons of people who are hooked up to their PCs the whole evening, communicating virtually with people and not interacting with people in real time. It's becoming an increasing social problem, I think.

[Dating Coach]

The point isn't that you cant succeed over the phone, but that you are better served by doing things in person, and that it is possible that you can bore the crud out of your partner by over-using the phone. You want to be as exciting and fun as you can in the beginning, and the phone does not lend well.

[dragonzeyez]

I had something of this sort happen to me about 2 months ago. I met a girl on lavalife. After a few minutes of IM chtting we decided to move the conversation to the phone. After spending some time getting to know the basics about each other (musta been about 15 minutes) I asked her out. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond her control she was unavailable any time soon. I was fine with this and had no problem waiting until she was free, but she called me and called me every day. I kept askiking her out and telling her that to know if we were truly compatible with each other we would need to meet in person, but for some reason each time something would be happening and she would be unavailable. Well, the worst thing happened, I got the distinct feeling in one of her calls that she had developed serious feelings for me already without even having met me. Finally we met in person, we weren't compatible, although she felt we were, and even though I tried my hardest not to, I ended up hurting her feelings. The point is, although I think there is nothing wrong with meeting people online or through phone dating services, like diggity says, calls and IM's must be kept short and to a minimum until you meet in person.

[novaseeker]

Well I think the moral to that story, with which I completely agree, is to never have a "relationship" with someone you haven't ever met in person. It surprises me how often people do this now, given how people meet each other online and so forth. But it always strikes me as a big risk, because you really can never know if you're really interested in the person until you have met them in real life and spent time with them in real life.

[Iceman26]

Well I think the moral to that story, with which I completely agree, is to never have a "relationship" with someone you haven't ever met in person. It surprises me how often people do this now, given how people meet each other online and so forth. But it always strikes me as a big risk, because you really can never know if you're really interested in the person until you have met them in real life and spent time with them in real life.

 

This is right on. I actually have a story to share that is related to this.

 

When I was 22, I met this girl off AOL. She lived in NYC and I am in California. We talked for a while, decided to start dating, and then we met in person. So I went to meet this girl I was dating, I was supposed to stay out there for a week.and for me to stay out there for a week.

 

I flew out there to meet her. I took a red eye flight and couldn't sleep on the plane, so I took some sleeping pills. There was a baby next to me that was screaming the entire flight so I couldn't sleep.

 

I got there, pale, exhausted, and drugged, and met her. She asked me how the flight was, and I told her it was miserable (told her the story about the screaming baby and how I couldn't sleep)

 

So we went into the city, and we were walking around, and I lit up a smoke. She freaked out, saying she "couldn't handle being with a smoker"

She knew I smoked! I smoked while we talked on the phone and she knew about it.

 

So we go see a play with her aunt and her cousin that night off Broadway, and on the way to the play, she tells me "This isn't going to work out" I had just landed like 6 hours before. So I am 3000 miles away from anybody I know, trapped in NYC with a nutbag. At the intermission, she tells me to go have a smoke. So I do, and call my best friend, panicking, asking him what I should do.

 

He tells me to talk to her after the play, and see what the deal is. So after the play I talk to her, and she tells me she is a manic depressive (would have been useful information to know beforehand), and that I am "negative" for complaining about the flight. She still wanted to me to stay out there for the week, but I said hell no. I booked a flight that night for the next day. Spending any more time with this freak was more than I could handle.

 

So I book a flight home for the next afternoon (this was 6 months before 9/11, so you could still walk people to the gate) and she walks me to the gate, gives me a hug, and tells me that "Maybe I'll meet someone on the flight home" I remember crying as I was on the plane, pissed off beyond belief that I had spent over a grand flying out there and taking vacation time off for someone that wasn't who she said she was on the phone and really wasn't worth a bucket of piss.

[novaseeker]

Yikes, that's a bad experience! Sorry you had to go through that one!

[Iceman26]

Thanks man. It all worked out for the absolute best in the long run.

 

Hopefully, sharing my experience will save some poor fool like me some time and money.