13yrs married - she "changed" - what do I do?

[guitarzan]

Okay, this is a long story, so please bear with me...

 

About 7 months ago, my wife began to demand more "freedom". She had a discontent with the marriage (the source of which I still don't understand). She began to find herself in situations where she would flirt with guys, then the flirting would lead to kissing, etc. These things occurred when she was out because of activities that she does (softball, bowling, social parties, etc.).

 

Over this time period, she also began to spend money wildly, has gotten three tattoos, a new sports car, and has cheated on me with four people. She is now gone most nights and weekends, either for activities, but mostly out with her "friends".

 

Recently, she made an attempt at suicide (which she is now going through therapy for depression), and admitted that she fell in love with one of the guys that she was seeing.

 

I have made many accommodations to help her be "happy", but none of them seem to work. We even entertained swinging to accommodate her sexual desires, but it only ended with her "falling in love" with the guy mentioned above.

 

She is continuing to see this guy (and his wife) as "friends", and I have expressed my discomfort at this. I really don't want to spend time with them, but I feel obligated in order to keep her happy. I really have no trust left, but that doesn't seem to bother her, either.

 

There are some other factors here, too. One is our two boys (5 and 9). Another is how we interact. She no longer talks to me the same way as she talks with these "friends". Our conversations usually end with her getting angry because "I don't understand" how letting her buy something, or letting her go out will make her happy.

 

I am at a point where I can't think straight. Should I continue trying to keep the marriage together, or am I being nieve, and should get out and find someone that can respect me? HELP!!!

[segagirl]

My question to you is what about you...and your happiness? Does that count? At this point, it has gotten way out of control. You are allowing her to do things you do not agree with. You allow this by staying.

If you do not want to live this way, you have to lay it on the line. You have to tell her that you will not live this way, and that you have to come to a middle ground.

She is acting as if her feelings are the only ones that matter...but she is wrong...YOU MATTER AND WHAT YOU WANT MATTERS!

You have a right to be with some one who respects you. Now it could be her, but she needs to make that choice for herself.

She is not happy, and these outlets are not making her happy. She needs to seek on going therapy to deal with these emotions. If need be, you may have to help her find a way to stop the self-destructive behavior.

[garymax]

If you really love your wife and want to try and "hang in there" then that would be a good thing to do. Try and restore the marriage.

 

But marriage does not change people and if she does not want to change and you have exhausted all possible avenues, then I would give her an ultimatum. After all, you already have grounds for divorce: she cheated.

 

And unless you did something to cause her "wandering feet", if she won't change, I would move on and find someone who is faithful.