xfault_linex Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 Ah, a pyschology major! That explains it. Just kidding, but yeah...this is not a rational idea. Yeah but I am going a bit crazy over so many things that rational thinking isn't in the picture. Wedding in two weeks and we still don't have a Flower girl OR a Maid of honor. Link to comment
xfault_linex Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 Oh wow, I didn't realize how funny that face looked....hmm, reminds me of my reflection. Link to comment
Scout Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Let me get this straight...you are getting married in two weeks, and you're inviting this kind of drama right before it? What are you thinking? Are you sure you're really ready to commit to your fiance and get married? Link to comment
Bethany Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 If they are friends, be prepared to lose them both over this. Karma works on us all, including you. Link to comment
xfault_linex Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 Ah yes I'm sure I'm willing to commit to him but I've always been a dramatic person anyways. Link to comment
xfault_linex Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 Heh my ex is not my friend. I was willing to be his friend but he did some things that I couldn't forgive him for. Link to comment
Bethany Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Then you should have closed the door and bolted it, moved on and not shown you care...not invited bad s*** in again! Link to comment
RayKay Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Heh my ex is not my friend. I was willing to be his friend but he did some things that I couldn't forgive him for. So then... Why are you and your fiance even talking to him at all? I am very confused as to why if you both feel this way you keep him around in your life at ALL? Link to comment
xfault_linex Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 It's not that I invited it again, it's more of a he did. I admit I'm a pushover. It's hard for me to simply tell someone to back off. Link to comment
xfault_linex Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 That's just it, we don't want him around anymore and we figured if we lied to him and he found out he would go away. I'm a push over and he's more of a pusher. Link to comment
xfault_linex Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 No, my fiance is really part of it. I told the lie but my fiance is going along with it, thereforeeee there is a WE in this. I've already admitted that it's wrong so how about it just be dropped. Link to comment
Scout Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 It's not that I invited it again, it's more of a he did. I admit I'm a pushover. It's hard for me to simply tell someone to back off. Maybe you're a pushover, maybe you just like the extra attention. And admit it, creating drama definitely puts attention on you. Is this really fair to do to your fiance? If he's going along, maybe he's a bit of a pushover, maybe he's scared of you freaking out, but either way, you're dragging him into a silly, immature situation during a time when he should be enjoying preparing for his wedding. Be careful. You are playing with fire here, as in, you could find your engagement permanently broken. You're a psych major - do some inward examination. Is this possibly something you want? It may not be easy to admit, but if it's a possibility, the adult and respectful thing to do is to come clear with your true feelings to your fiance. Not create a wildly dramatic situation. Link to comment
xfault_linex Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 I know that I love my fiance and I know that I want to marry him. We've been engaged for two years, and together for six. I'm sure that I want to be with him but I'm just worried that my ex won't take a hint that we don't want him around. I mean I hinted that I didn't want him around yesterday when he came by and rang my doorbell who knows how many times and I just stood at the door in plain sight waiting for him to leave. I'm not great with pushing people away purposely. I know that it's a psychological issue that causes it because when I was eleven I pushed my father away and he never came back. Link to comment
RayKay Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 An 11 year old child is not responsible for making their parent "never come back". A parent is an ADULT and almost ALL children push their parents away at some time as they form their own identity. That was your father's responsibility entirely. And you can't use that as a reason to allow you to live your life this now. Stop hinting at him and tell him he is to get out of your life or you will get a restraining order. Be direct. It's not the time to tiptoe around it anymore. Link to comment
Scout Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 First, I agree with everything Hope just said...really, you are studying human behavior, and it's very surprising to hear you would even create such a situation. Please, do whatever you can (rationally, and an adult manner) to undo this. Now, as for this.... I'm not great with pushing people away purposely. I know that it's a psychological issue that causes it because when I was eleven I pushed my father away and he never came back. I know that deep in your heart - actually, your brain - you know there is no way an eleven year old little girl could be responsible for making her father leave. Second, in the case with your ex, it's OK if by pushing him away he permanently leaves. That is what you said you want him to do, anyway - right? To leave you two alone? Again, I don't think you are being honest with yourself about your true motives. This is not meant to criticize or judge you. It's meant to help you summon up the necessary maturity to face what's really going on inside you, and dealing with it in the right way. Link to comment
xfault_linex Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 Heh, I'm a depression patient myself. I've been in therapy for nearly a decade. My therapist was a senior at Wake when I was a little freshman. She's helped out with some things but not with the fact that I'm a major push over. Link to comment
xfault_linex Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 Ah..I'll just go. I'm under so much stress right now. I have no clue why I put myself under more. I'm going to fix it and hopefully work up the courage to tell him to get lost...I just can't tell him person considering the fact that he has NO porblem with hitting females. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Hi Xfault. I don't want to attack you, and I agree that you are here to receive advice, and not flaming or unconstructive criticism. But I must admit, as a former psych major myself, and someone who went through an engagement, there are some red flags popping out at me in your thread. The first thing that comes to mind is that if a woman was happliy engaged, she would not "make up a lie" that she broke up with her fiance. A happy bride-to-be would not even want to think in those terms. When I was engaged it would bother me to even let those words slip from my mouth- I'd be afriad that I'd jinx my engagement. It does appear, to me as an outsider, that you may be hoping (either consciously or subconsciously) that your ex will threaten the engagment and and cause the "lie" to become reality. You already know that your fiance does not like it when you see her ex- yet you wanted to spend the day with your ex once you told your ex the lie. So I told him that I had broke up with my fiance and that I would really appreciate someone to talk to and go out with (as friends) for the day I know that I love my fiance and I know that I want to marry him. We've been engaged for two years, and together for six. I'm sure that I want to be with him but I'm just worried that my ex won't take a hint that we don't want him around. I mean I hinted that I didn't want him around yesterday when he came by and rang my doorbell who knows how many times and I just stood at the door in plain sight waiting for him to leave. I'm not great with pushing people away purposely. I know that it's a psychological issue that causes it because when I was eleven I pushed my father away and he never came back. This contradicts other things you have said in this thread. I am not trying to cause you any distress- but I think it's important that before you enter a marriage you ask yourself the hard questions, like: What you you feel toward your ex?, and Do you really want to get married to your fiance? If there are feelings you have repressed- they will not go away- they will just creep up on you later- and it might be too late then. Choose wisely. Marriage is not a decision to be taken lightly or to enter with any confusion or unsettled feelings. BellaDonna Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 No, It's more of a WE need to know his feelings. Like my earlier post, he has been hinting things and it's making my fiance and I very uncomfortable. We want to know if he still has feelings so that we can talk to him and HOPEFULLY get him away from us. Now that he's moved back he's tried his BEST to get me to go to his house and get drunk KNOWING that when I'm drunk I'm extremely slutty. When my fiance found out he asked me to come over he flipped out completely. Our goal is for him to find out it's a lie eventually so he'll back off. Sorry I didn't clear the whole story up in my previous post so I'm trying to now. I'm confused.... so, if you do tell him this, I guess there are several ways he can respond: 1) No response at all. So, would you and your fiance assume that it is over, and he has no feelings towards you and would you two leave things alone and move forward? 2) He says, "I am sorry, sure if you need an ear, I am here." But then how would you know if he just wants to be friends, or feels bad for you, or wants you back? 3) Or he says, "ok, let's get back together!" (do you really think he'd say that right after you told him you needed a friend to talk to?) I think you may want to think out your plan and what kinds of responses you may expect and what you will do from that point on. It doesn't really seem clear that he will stay away if you do this. it's kind of a strange and round-about way of getting your ex to stay away from you, if that is what you want. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 Ah..I'll just go. I'm under so much stress right now. I have no clue why I put myself under more. I'm going to fix it and hopefully work up the courage to tell him to get lost...I just can't tell him person considering the fact that he has NO porblem with hitting females. if he is abusive, you need to stay far far far away from him!!! Don't confront him. don't play with his head either. he could get very violent and angry if he thinks you are playing jokes on him. best to stay away, block all calls, no contact. if he has hit you before, go to the police. with people with anger problems, you don't want to start playing games with their head.... Link to comment
tictactoe2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 As someone who has always had problems with their girlfriends being still attached to their exes, there would be NO WAY ON GOD'S EARTH that I would continue an engagement to someone who stil has this level of 'depth' for their ex. The moment this plan was hatched, the options would be clear: you call him NOW and tell him that the next time he shows around you are contacting the police, and that you never want to see or hear from him again, or I take back my engatgement ring, move out and find someone else. Link to comment
crushed2285 Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 i don't really think you are mentally ready for any kind of relationship. sounds like you have plenty of issues to work out with yourself before you can bring something positive to a marriage. Link to comment
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