NC - getting back or moving on? Success stories and reflections

[backinlife]

Hi all,

 

i have been reading around here for a week now, and its amazing how much it got me thinking. Thank you all very much for supporting me in this hard time. Now I think I am ready to post something myself. I have done a lot of thinking, and I have many open questions....

 

This post has three parts. First I give a summary of what happened with me and my love, second I will deal with the concept of NC and possible outcomes in my opinion. Whoever is not interested in a sad story and another case study can just skip to part two, the more theoretical part. Part three is a summary of the things that I would be glad to get figured out. The points that i am still struggling with and which I can't answer myself.

 

Part 1:

Let me give you a very short outline of the mess I am in.

 

Met a wonderful man in India while studying there, fell deeply in love, had a wonderful, exciting relationship for a while. I never missed anything with him and he had everything I wanted and he was enchanted too. Lots of love, lots of good conversation and the feeling of having found a soul mate. I had to leave for Germany then after the semester, but came back to him after 3 weeks of missing each other crazy. From then on lived together happily for a while, went on holidays to meet my parents on a Thailand trip, everything gorgeous. Hardly fought, and if we did, we talked until we reached common ground and understanding. Met his family, liked them lots and announced our wedding plans. So far so good.

 

Eventually I had to go back to Germany to finish my master's. While being apart we talked a lot on MSN, texted, wrote letters and called each other 3-5 times a week. We always felt we were fully part of each other's life. Then I did something stupid. I cheated on him, with a girl.

 

You need an explanation here I guess: I had always had affairs with girls more or less frequently in the past. We had talked about this and he said it’s something he needs to put more thought in, but he is generally not ok with me cheating, regardless of whether it’s a boy or girl. This girl I had cheated on him with was a 1 year long affair without any intention of making it a relationship. She was doing my master's with me, so she was around, and it somehow happened. In retrospect I think I did it because I was freaked out about how much I loved the guy and I was scared that it wouldn't work and I was left with nothing. I have the feeling I have issues with abandonment and although everything was perfect between us, I had the fear he would leave me. So I was trying to detach a little, to protect myself. I know that this is less that rational, but I think that it is characteristic for me. I am a very freedom loving person and very self-sufficient, and the sudden close attachment to someone just freaked me out. This was the first relationship I was fully into and actually completely let go, so I guess I just couldn't handle the fact that I let someone get so close.

 

I told him about it. Felt so guilty. He took 2 days to decide what he wanted to do with it, read a lot on bisexuality, asked me questions and talked to me in a very structured way. Then he decided to forgive and work through. He said he doesn’t want to tell me that if it happens again he would not forgive me again, because he doesn't want to limit himself to one option, but he also said that he would most likely leave me in case I did it again. He had gotten really hurt, I could see that, but he never mentioned it to me again, never blamed me for it.

 

He came to visit me then. It was not the best time; I was sitting on my master's thesis 24/7, hardly had time and was stressed on top. We knew it was not the best time, but wanted to see each other. After a while he got depressed, I was giving him little attention, he had nothing to do. In the end I managed to finish the thesis and spend a good week with him, traveled places and had a good time. After 6 weeks he left. Sobby goodbye, lots of love.

 

He got confirmation that he was accepted in Germany for a master's course. So our long distance problem seemed solved for some time. While he was back in India preparing to come to Germany, I did it again. You must think I am crazy, and I think so too. Not only did I sleep with her for a solid week, I also stayed over night, wrote loving emails and had a full blown affair...What had gotten into me? During this time I didn't feel less love for my boy, not at all. I shoved the fact that he would be so hurt away. I even tried raising the topic again on MSN, but he got pissed and said I can't talk about this girl to him at all, it’s something I need to figure out by myself. I felt so tempted with this girl, she gave me so much love, she is sweet and all and I don't have to give her any commitment in exchange. It went on for a week. Then I went to the airport to get my boy.

 

It was his birthday when we arrived at my place and we had a party and I felt so weird and guilty. I told him that night what had happened. It sounded callous when I said it, and I know it sounds callous to you too right now. I sound like I am the most unloving woman out there. But I love him more than anything. I know that he is the love of my life and that we ARE made for each other. You might think now that I can’t complain, after all it was me who put it at risk, but please consider that I haven’t been in a situation like this one before. I have never loved like this and never let anyone close like this. I crashed under the responsibility that he is moving to another continent for me, dedicating his life to me. I merely couldn’t handle so much love. I myself can't grasp what I have done. Don’t judge me too hard, be gentle.

 

After that I moved out, I accepted that I had done tremendously wrong and needed to go. He read all my mails to her and of course it was more pain than one person can take. Despite that, some days later he asked me to work on it together. From then on, he made the attempt to deal with it, but he got worse and worse. Started drinking, kept himself busy and whenever he got loving towards me, he regretted it minutes later and got angry. The drinking got worse and he treated me bad sometimes. Stopped caring for me, went forth and back. I took it for 4 weeks, as I felt I deserved it and understood his pain. After a while I couldn't do that anymore. I told him it’s over. At this point I didn't see a chance that he could ever forgive me and I saw that it’s eating him up. He also had just started his Master's and had a lot of new friends and was busy with going out and studying.

 

We had a very loving goodbye, sobby, told each other we loved each other and talked for hours at night. Then I left for my parents place. The following weeks we had again forth and back conversations, I told him I wanted to come back to him, realized how stupid I have been, and that I think with so much love we must be able to work through. He said he missed me, so I went back to visit for a week. The week was wonderful when we were alone, we slept together, had great talk and a lot of fun. We didn't talk about the future, but had a good time. We were in love. Whenever we were around his friends though, he was cold, didn't give me attention. He had told many people about what happened, and I think he felt like a fool for still loving me so much. He is a very proud man and the fact that he is suffering so much without me, convinces him even more that he wants to go back to his self –sufficient life he had before me. He is himself scared by how much he loves me and how much it affects him that I am not there. And that makes him feel even stronger about being alone. He says that love is not enough, if it was enough I wouldn’t have done what I have done. After the week I left. Since then (3 weeks) we went forth and back again. I am trying to convince him we can do it, he doesn't know how to solve the practicalities. He says too much has happened. He is certainly not happy, but he would also not be happy with me, since he would feel like a fool to just take me back and the trust is gone. The only thing that speaks for me is Love, but that feeling can’t be trusted. So I figured I should let him go. I told him that what I have done cannot be expected to be forgiven. He can go and heal. Unfortunately we then started talking again. Same pattern. I even called him and cried. At the time he was with a friend and was very unreceptive and so I hung up, was very hurt and decided to go to NC, without telling him.

 

Since then, (2 days) he tried to find out why I blocked him. I also had to answer a paperwork question, so technically there was contact. Then he wrote me yesterday that he is aware I am pissed and that he has very little time right now, but that it’s important for him to talk about our issues for him and that this time he will make more of an effort. I answered that there is no new info between us, so talking doesn't change anything now and that we can have the learning experience feedback round of our relationship when we are less busy and more objective. That’s it so far

 

Part two:

Here are my thoughts:

 

NC is a good way of moving on. While we were still talking, I was running in circles, had hope, felt desperate and interpreted everything he said according to my current mood. It was dynamic and I got hurt and tried to hold on. The pain I felt was connecting me to him, so I didn't want to let go. I also felt that I owed it this relationship to fight. Also letting go from it would have meant that he can let go as easy, and that scared me, so I held on. I also felt that my ex was partly feeling guilt for not trying harder with me, and talking to me was somehow a way for him to be less guilty, after all he was still taking care of me and comforting me (even if i got more hurt). It was his way of making sure he can't be blamed for not trying. So now he has to deall wtih that guilt and can get over it. The same counts for me, I felt les guilty about what i have done, since i was trying to make up for it by talking and figuring out what went wrong. But as my Ex sais, thats like shooting someone and after that taking him to the hospital and thinking that would make up for it.

 

Since NC I feel better, I am not waiting for him to contact me, I can start getting my head around the fact that it might be really over. What I am thinking now is that NC is very good to get over a breakup, but maybe not the best thing to get someone back. The attention you trigger by NC is more curiosity, being abandoned, fear to lose the other and hurt pride, but not love. It shifts the dependency from you to your partner. Love is different. Maybe it can work if your partner is not aware that this is a simple game, but mine isn't stupid. So you basically trick the other one back to you.

 

What comes in here as a thought is Major's post a long time ago (yes, i have read a lot in here). Its the "feeding the bird" theory: . My problem here is, that even if you make the bird dependent on you, eventually the bird will again fly and find new sources, and then he will feel even more stupid that he thought you are the only source of food....

 

It can work, I guess, but it’s a big risk. On the other hand I don't really see alternatives... because being a victim isn't very attractive. And fighting for a relationship is a good thing at first, but losing yourself can't be the solution. So I am completely with you on the NC. Great way of getting over and keeping control and the head up. But I don't have big hopes on the getting back together part. We will see. For now I do it merely for myself. I miss my love, but not as much as the confident and proud ME.

 

Part 3:

There are a lot of posts in this Forum by people who do NC more or less successfully in terms of making themselves feel better.

 

Are there also any stories where the NC eventually helped to get back together to a stable, trusting relationship with real forgiveness? I assume that those people who are back together might invest their time in their relationship now rather than posting threats in a forum for heart-broken individuals, but maybe someone finds the time to give me some hope.

 

Also I would like to hear your take on the outcomes that can be expected from NC, even if you are still in the process and haven’t reached your goal yet.

 

Also very welcome are refllections on my individual case. You might feel that I have less of a chance to get back together, because I was the one who ended this relationship, or because he is not led by emotions but by practicalities. Or you might think I have more of a chance, since he is struggling with a "real" problem, not general undecisiveness. Please tell me what you think.

 

I am very excited to hear you opinions and thoughts

 

Thank you very much!

Mona

[trident]

Good assessement in Part II

[backinlife]

Update:

 

we started talking again after he had convinced me that two people who feel so close to one another should be naturally talking. So i talked about progress with getting along with my mom, really personal stuff and how he is doing. It hurt me that he is obvioulsy fast making friends and "has found people that are really nice and understanding - not as in a girlfriend, but nice and trustable". And i stayed rational and told him that it might take a while till be both can really open up again, but it will happen soon enough. And slowly the whole talk slipped into him telling me how much i screwed up and how I had to "pay for this one day". I stayed calm, but he was ranting.

 

One night later he sent me a link to lesbian porn site. I am still so angry and thereforeeee wrote him:

 

The main inconsistencies are in my opinion that you accuse me of undervaluing what we had, you at the same time accuse me of destroying something precious. If i didn't think it was precious and wanted to get out of it, you can't blame me. So when you tell me i destroyed something precious, you need to assume it was precious for me and we were made for each other. But when you say you can't come back, the obviously it isn't precious enough to you either. So we can either

A) agree on the fact that it was precious and we are made for each other, which in consequence means we both have the responsibiity to work it out

or B) agree that I didn't think you were the love of my life, then you can't hate me for wanting out of it as much as you don't think i am the love of your life and want out of it now

 

Another major problem in the logical string is, that all debts are gone after i decided to cheat and thereforeeee end the relationship, but still i need to repent. In my opinion, the option of repenting was taken away by you by not giving me the chance to. After you decided against me, my debt must be gone. Just as your debt had been erased and your promises didn't count after i had decided against you. Debt exists within a relationship, and while it was on, i was ready to put my work in.

 

Another illogical string is the part where you say i have guilt cause i destroyed something big, but for you it is not big enough to be worth preserving. So did I destroy something really that big then? Or are we both happy enough and getting over it?

 

You say that I was able to move on so fast ("in a flash") is a sign that I never meant what i said, that i never loved you enough. You are moving on pretty well too Ravi, and either YOU never felt it in that case, or moving on is not a bad thing to do. YOU are not giving this relationship a second thought. So who is callous, who is not taking responsibility? Why would I feel any responsibility to someone who can dump me "in a flash".

 

You say, i was callous enough to risk this relationship by cheating. I say you are callous enough to end this because of the cheating. So we both have put ourselves over this relationship. So either we both don't love each other much (then you can't blame me, and i can't blame you). Or these things happen even though we love each other dearly and sometimes people make mistakes and need to be forgiven. (and then the blame is on both of us)

 

Another problem with your logic: You love me but can't trust me. A person you love, you obviouly believe in, and if you believe in me, in my good traits and all, then you need to trust that with your help and my effort I can be everything you want me to be. ANd you can be everything I want you to be for that matter. If you think i would not be able to forgive you your drinking and your "dark sides" as you say, you are wrong. I could, cause i love you and I believe in my hearts judgement. If I can love you, i can love all of you, the whole Ravi, who has dark sides, who is fighting himself, the whole person. That is what love is all about. And just because you can't imagine that i feel like this for you, doesn't mean i don't.

 

I broke my comittment for a week, you broke your comittment for ever. As a reaction you say, but comittment is comittment, it seizes to be comittment when you break it. So you are not any better than me.

 

Where I want to go with this? Its over, and no matter how many rational reasons you are trying to bring forward, it is not logical and your string of thinking is flawed. It is an emotional decision to break up with me. You don't feel it anymore, so please stop giving me the rational * * * * that makes you look good and me like the sinner. Repent and all this bullcrap. If you have the right to throw this away now and get over it, then i do too. Cause you obviously don't value it anymore either. So i have the right to leave now too. And i am not ready to moan for a relationship that obviously had no chance anyway.

 

You lost hope in me, cause you cannot grasp that i have hope in you. if you would understand what made me cling on to something that seems lost, if you could understand the strenght of this feeling of love, if you could feel it too, then you would be able to hope. if you would love from the bottom of your heart, you would know how powerful this is, and that it is in fact enough to do whatever you want to do.

 

What stays is your fear of throwing away something precious. How can it be so precious if you can't forgive me. And if its not precious, then why be so angry at me?

 

Your staying friends theory is flawed too.... who would want a friend that is callous, selfish and can't be trusted. So don't send me links, don't tell me how you are, and don't bother me with your anger, i would have taken it in a relationship, in order to work things, i certainly don't take it after "all debts are gone". And I don't need a friend that sends me lesbian porn links. And tries to show me how hard i screwed up and how much he is hurting. If you really love me so much, you had your chance. If your love was so big, you could have acted on it. See, actions show more than words. So don't give me this * * * * about how much you are hurting, i was accomodating, i tried everything to make up for it and i looked deep inside of me before i made my offer to come back without any expectations, without making one claim for myself and with 100 percent understanding of what i have done and how much it would take to forgive me, competely giving myself up for you and you were not up for it. And don't tell me you couldn't. It was a really good offer, in fact nothing that anyone sane could reject. I said I will give you all benefits of being with me. Everything. Without wanting one thing back. And i meant it. For as long as it would have taken. It was not good enough for you, so you didn't WANT it.

 

I cannot give you anything anymore, you deprived me of this right, so stop demanding. I know you have the feeling you are trapped, i trapped you and this is the only way out. But you are not even looking for any other way. And i tell you why: cause you don't want to. So be a man about it and finally accept that you do not want this relationship. And you have a right to this decision as much as i had. Maybe i did you a great favour with cheating, now finally you can enjoy all the things you are enjoying right now and for you now it is easy to break away from this waste of time, trapping relationship. If you don't feel guilty, i shouldn't. If its not worth the effort to you, why would I? I have screwed up. I was stupid and i was weak. But you were not strong either.

 

So lets not keep each other from moving on. Thats the best thing we can do now, given that we obviously didn't feel about each other as had been suggested. All debts are gone thereforeeee.

 

I don't owe you one thing, especially because you didn't want us to owe each other anything anymore. It always goes two ways.

 

Mona

 

So i though once again i can let go. But i can't. I haven't kept anything solid in 3 weeks, i lost 10 kgs, i can't get up anymore, can't sleep. I live at my moms place (I am 28!) and i have not payed one bill in 2 months (especially cause i hae no cent left) bills are bouncing, i owe rent, i can't get up, cause i am too dizzy. What the hell is up with me? Is that self pitty? I might aswell post this in the suicide section. There is nothing anymore. And my mom doesn't get it and asks every day when i will find a job and all. I am not looking!!! All i do is sleep 3 hours a nigth and try to keep in my belly what i force down there.

 

You think i am melodramatic and immature. I am not this person. I just finished my masters. I was always a self sufficient person. I had nice friends and always a grip on my finances. I am career oriented and adventuous. Now i am nothing and nothing can get me up. I feel like * * * * and neither the man who wanted to marry me, nor my mom care, so why should i?

 

Please tell me something,

 

i don't know how to stop, everytime i think i got it, all of this comes back on my shoulders

 

Mona

[blueberrypie]

neither the man who wanted to marry me, nor my mom care, so why should i?

Cause your life is yours, neither of the man who wanted to marry you, nor your mom's.

Sorry if it came out cruel.

I have been there. But one day, it occurred to me that if he ever comes back, I don't want to be seen like that. I don't know if he will ever come back, but there's nothing I can do to make him come back. But I can change myself!

I wish there's something I can do to make him come back, but unfortunately there isn't. And if I do things to make him come back, it means I'm still dependent of him. Then I would be more miserable when he doesn't come back. So I should do things only for myself(or for your family, your friends, etc., but never for my ex). Same must be true for you.

Good luck!

[backinlife]

hey blueberry,

 

you are absolutely right. And i hae been this person who does everything for herself and loves herself all my life. and when i met my boy, and let go of this egocentric lifestyle i liked it! I know i can go back to being a career oriented, great person, and all my friend say wow, look at mona, she is so happy. And i actually WAS happy. But now i think its vain, hollow happyness. And i am just doubting everything. Don't even take this serious....its all coming from the hreat right now, and the heart is BROKEN. Thanks for the cheering me up. i will be ok. But i will always know that there would have been more....than this happyness.

 

Mona

[blueberrypie]

hey Mona,

 

Thank you for phrasing it.

I know what you mean. I feel the same way. Sometimes I even wish that none of these happened so that I don't know what I'm missing now. It would have been easier if I didn't know that I can truly 'love someone and give my heart to him'. I can only hope that he would feel the same way and come back to me. Wait a minute, I said don't 'hope' for anything, didn't I?=(

 

on the other hand, I'm glad that I found someone I can share my feeling here! keep me updated, mona.

[backinlife]

Hey Blue,

 

I have done a lot more thinking. The thing is, I'd like to believe that there is such a things as love. And before I met my boy I was cynical and thought people who believed in "The one" and love ever after were crazy romantics. And then I fell for the idea myself. God. We were so happy, so in love and so surprised at the power of this.... well it was something we really WANTED to feel. We both had been cynical and realistic before, and when our relationship started sp perfect, we more and more let go of the reality and started to dream together. I actually DID think he was the man of my life, my soul mate. And that's why I am so sad right now. Bit because I lost my soul mate (obviously he dumped me and is probably hitting on a girl right this second), but because I lost the DREAM I was dreaming for a year. And I feel like a fool now that I had let my rationality go, put everything aside and just believed in something I wanted to believe....

 

Well, back to the cynical, hollow me. Maybe I got it right, maybe I will be a hopeless romantic again one day, but for now I simply have enough. Relationships are not more than deals. And they can be win-win deals even. But once one sees no more gain, he will leave, regardless of how perfect it seemed and regardless of all the promises. And lets be honest, we are like this too. The "miracle" is constructed because we want it. But once we see the chips in the perfection we distance ourselves. Maybe I can't really love. But I though I did love this man... and now, 2 months later, I wouldn't take him back because I see it would be much work to put in. If there would be a miracle of love, and he would be the man of my life..... Well, then I wouldn't think about how much I get back, I would do it just like that, just for him. And if he would be the man of my life, and I would love him without expecting anything else (which for me would be the definition of ultimate love, to give just to give, not in order to get back), then I should just accept his decision that he is happier without me and support him fully in it. And I am not. Cause there is no such love. We give, as long as we benefit from giving somehow, it’s an investment. It’s always partly about us. Have you really ever loved so much that it didn't matter what you can gain out of this? I think I never did, and that makes me doubt that there is such love (except from movies). Do you know a couple who loves like that? I don't...

 

I hope I am not too depressing and black. I think relationships can work, but not if you call them "perfect". You need to be very aware that you are making a deal. And you need to face reality. If someone wants to leave you, he will leave. And of course he will find reasons and rational explanations... well. My good friend Sabrina always says: When you want something, you find ways, and if you don't want something, you find reasons. And she is a very smart girl.

 

I am depressing, but at least not whiney anymore...

 

Mona

[blueberrypie]

But once one sees no more gain, he will leave, regardless of how perfect it seemed and regardless of all the promises. And lets be honest, we are like this too. The "miracle" is constructed because we want it. But once we see the chips in the perfection we distance ourselves.

 

Great thought! But when you really love someone, don't you feel like the chips (in the perfection) actually make it 'more perfect'?

Well, it seemed that way to me till he left me.

 

Maybe I'm still a hopeless romantist, but I still think 'love' is giving just to give(not to get it back). I've been in a relationship where I was in because I thought it gave me comfort or whatever, but I didn't actually feel happy because I expected something from relationship. But when I was with my current ex, I was happy even when I felt sad, because I loved him. I was happy just being with him. Or I thought I was happy because I wanted to be happy? I wouldn't know. But I couldn't feel that way with anyone else and I doubt that I can find someone I can feel that way with in the near future.

 

I wasn't engaged with this person. He was too young to be engaged, and we both knew that he was going to China(like you had to go back to Germany), and so we tried not to think about future because we were happy as it was. So maybe in some way I knew that it was coming. So maybe I got less hurt than you did. I can't even imagine what would have happened if we broke up after engagement. So maybe that's why you are more pessimistic about 'unconditional love.' But I hope you will feel optimistic again someday soon.

We found the 'love' even when we didn't believe in it(I was exactly like you before current ex). How much easier would it be to find the 'love' after we learned that there IS true love?

We just got burned from fire so we don't wanna go near fire. But soon enough we will remember the warmth and get closer and closer to the fire. I hope it will happen again(without the burning part, of course.=) )

 

Hope I wouldn't sound hopelessly optimistic. And good to hear that you are not whiny anymore. =) We are improving every moment.

[backinlife]

Hey Blue,

 

woke up much too early today again. In the mornings I miss him the most. I wake up and miss him rubbing his nose in my neck. I wake up from dreaming strange dreams of him, always him abandoning me, for example with a new girl. And then my heart is pounding and i have no chance to get back to sleep. And then i can't help but imagine how the room looks he is in (i know every milimeter in this room) and how he is lying in there in his favourite sleeping position. And I wish i could be the pillow. And I remember every little detail of his body, his face, his smell, everything. And i try to remember how it felt to touch him and how it felt when he ran his hands through my hair and looked into my eyes and told me that he loved me.

 

Then I remember that he dumped me, that the man I am describing is not REAL. If he would have meant that all, he would be still around. And if had meant it, honestly, why did i cheat then? And if the chips make it more perfect, then why could they bring it down withing weeks? I am so sad and lonely. And ever since i wrote him the email above, I am losing him from my heart. I am capable to go without crying for 3 hours sometimes, i even ate something yesterday. And that itself is sad too.

 

If i could love him the way you describe it, love him without wanting anything back, then I could let him go and be happy for him. Be happy that he found out what he wants and sticks to it. Be happy when he finds a new girl and is healthy and sane. But I am not. I cry for myself here. I cry cause i am lonely and abandoned and scared. i am not crying for him. Well sometimes i do. i feel guilty for messing him up so much and i feel guilty. But its still my guilt, my self pitty, me me me. How can this be love? And on his side even more. He is angry, scared and all that, but he doesn't think of me. He doesn't feel for me. It's al about him. And thats that. So no true and unconditional love. None of that in fact.

 

Either way it sad. If i can forget this man and get him out of my heart, its sad that that's possible, cause it means he can do that too, and maybe it will be easier for him than for me, cause i cheated on him and he is so busy right now. And if i love him so much that i can let him go, the other possibility, then thats sad too, cause then i seem to really have lost something that i considered special, and he didn't. if i could find a way of thinking that wouldn't hurt so bad, then i could just fight through this, but i am lost as in what to believe in. And i am a very rational person and like to explane things to myself. This stuff has no logic, and that drives me nuts. And the complete stupidity behind my suffering right now makes me respect myself less.

 

It makes no sense. I know he is gone. I know love is not enough to make a relationship work. I know that he cannot come back and staythe man i loved. I know he would never be able to forgive me. I know that practicalities right now make it impossible to start something new and take it slow. I know that we would never be able to talk about marriage or anything serious without being reminded of this. I know I could never forgive him for hurting me so bad. I know that he is happy enough right now. I know that if he wanted me so bad he would do it. I know that the man i knew died, he is cold and different now, even if i would call him now, i would only miss the man i love more, cause that not him anymore. I know that he doesn't WANT that - obiously he would do it if he wanted. I know all these things.

 

So there is no reason to miss him, no reason to be so affected, no reason to mess up my life because of this situation. And still I can't do anything else. I am still not sleeping more than 3 hours and i just puked all the good stuff i managed to eat yesterday.

 

And so i have to say: This love thing seems like the biggest scam of all times to me. And I have no respect for myself for falling for it and even now clinging on, allthough i know its irrational.

 

Mona

[blueberrypie]

Hey Mona,

 

There **is** a reason to miss him, to be so affected. You believed in your love to him, spent so much time and energy for the relationship to work, and you dreamed of your future together as a married couple. Now all these things are taken away. The man who loved you so much that he could forgive your cheating once is gone forever--as you said above, the man died, in some sense. The man who you loved and made you believe in 'true love' is gone forever. How can you not be sad? It's very natural. Think this way. Imagine that you went to school and write a thesis and did everything which was required to get a Master. But then you missed the graduation ceremony because you were sick and they told you that you lost your degree because you missed the ceremony. Wouldn't you get sad/angry?

So dont' lose respect for yourself. Not everyone experiences the love you had.

 

Finally I have something to tell you, and it's gonna hurt you.

You did cheat on him twice. So he has all the reasons to doubt you/your love although he chose wrong way to express them(send you a bi-porn link? So mean!!). Try to put you in his shoes. Do you think you can easily forgive him? Cause I don't. Even though I really love my ex and feel like he is the 'love of my life', I think it would be much easier to let him go, dis-believe in him and his love, and convince me that I *mis-conceived* him as a true love. I would probably still love him, miss him, and want to get back together, but would be easier to let him go. What makes me crazy is that we(me and my ex) didn't have any other reason than the circumstances--that he's going to China for a half year. But he will come back after a half year, so I can't shake off the thought that we may have a 'second chance' after he comes back. =(

 

Anyways, hang in there. Don't hate/be little yourself. You will meet better person next time round(even if it's the same ex who becomes a better person). It means that you need to be a better person next time round too. So don't cry and regret sitting there. Get up and work on yourself! Life is too short. And you can't change anything which already happened. But you can change your future. =)

[backinlife]

Hey blue, so true

 

you are right in every word. I just wish i could feel like that every hour of the day. But i can't. Sometimes i am crashing still and my thoughts are with him. But i am not lost all the time.... And thats a good thing.

 

I hope you are doing better too. Of course you say there was nothing apart from 6 months apart. but i think there must be something more. I mean this reason he brings forward, is kind of small. Maybe he can't see himself with a long distance relationship,maybe it means too much work for him, maybe he doesn't want to burden you. What is behind this? Do you know? Do you still talk to your boy? Or are you doing the widely discussed NC?

 

Tell me more blue

 

Mona

[blueberrypie]

Hey Mona,

 

Good to hear that you are doing better(at least you are not lost 'all the time'. )

 

The reason he gave me was that he doesn't want a long distance relationship. In his mind it's not a relationship if two people can at least 'talk' every day. And his language program doesn't allow him to speak in any other language than Chinese, it would have been pretty hard to communicate everyday. I was fine with not contacting every day, but he didn't want it. I tried to think that he didn't want to burden me. Because I'm 5 yrs older than him and he knows that my mom wants me to marry in 2~3 yrs, and he knows that I have lots of chance to meet other people if it wasn't for him. So I tried to think that he broke up with me because he didn't want to burden me. It made me feel good for a while because it made me think that he left me because he loved me. But hey, you just read this weird sentence. He left me because he loved me? It doesn't make sense. If he really loved me shouldn't he have been with me? Although he knows that my mom wants me to marry soon and I have chance to meet marriage-material if he's not with me, he also knew that I thought he was the one. And the only reason I didn't date or even think about anyone else was because I thought I was going to marry him. He was the first person I really wanted to marry. He was the first person I wanted to change myself for. He knew that if he asked me to wait him, I would have done that.

And I think it scared him. Because I was too much into him. He felt stuck with me. He thought he was still young to be with one person. He was feeling that he had to marry me after he comes back from China if he keeps dating me. And his parents helped him making that decision, too. He was only 22 yrs old, after all. (He just turned into 23 yesterday.)

 

 

Today I went to a classical music concert, so I had pretty much time to think. And then I realized that I need to move on.(yes, I didn't really realize this before.) I was afraid of moving on in case of his coming back. I didn't want to wait for him in case that he doesn't come back. So I was in a dilemma. But today I realized that if I have even a small hope of getting back together I have to let it go first(as my signature says). If I hang on to a relationship, even if he comes back, I'll be too clingy and he will leave for good eventually.

 

I know I'll probably think differently and want to wait for him because it's easier than just forget everything. But right now I'm feeling pretty moving-on. =)

 

I'm pretty tired from 4 hours of driving, so I'll write better tomorrow. I just wanted to keep you updated. =)

 

Keep the good work mona.

[backinlife]

Update and hope for totally heartbroken:

My boy and I are getting married this year. i did everything wrong during the breakup, i whined and cried, and when I stopped doing that, he started missing me so bad. We were back together after 3 horrible months and i think be both learned that this love is hard to destroy. Which is one of the reasons why we can make the decision to get married and be very confident about it.

 

So cheer up heartbrokens, if its meant to be....

[MasterT]

*Smiles happily* I am glad you and your boyfriend have gotten back together! I love reading these success stories.

[numbhead]

welldone,,,, youve come along way in 9 months... where are you going to live... germany or india? i think your type of relationship is a very difficult one to make a success... but if both parties show commitment and resolve it CAN!

 

gd luck with everything.... it just shows you that "all you need is love"... as the beatles once said!

 

i dont know what my ex wants but if she loves me enough we would be able to make things work!