Both commitment phobes is there any hope for us

[SarahRose]

I was sitting here after work thinking about my relationship and it seems to be both of us are commitment phobes.

 

We have been together over a 1 1/2. We had a little marriage talk one time and my attitude towards marriage changes every other day. Some days I think it might be nice to be married to him and others I wonder if he would get on my nerves after awhile since I'm such a loner.

 

He says he might like to get married when he is around 30. That is 5 years from now. I asked him if that meant to me and he said yes. He seems to waver back and forth as much as I do.

 

When we are together he wants to be with me 24/7 but then if I bring up living together sometimes he say yes and others he says no. I get the strong feeling from his actions if I ever moved to where he lives, he would just sorta move in with me. I hope to move to where he lives early next year. I'm saving for it and making arrangments. I have to do it as being apart for so long is just driving me nuts and making me severely depressed.

 

Is there hope for us? We enjoy being together and neither one of us wants to be with anyone else.

[puppy]

If he is the "one" for you, it shouldn't be hard for the both of you to commit to each others.

 

Communication is the key.

[SarahRose]

Thanks. I don't know how to talk to him about these things. Not even sure what I would say when I waiver back and forth so much. I'm not even sure what I want. Maybe being so far apart, it is hard to concentrate on that when mostly what I want is just to be there in the same city with him for starters and we are doing that. Funny Australia is where I'm moving to.

[JustNormal]

First of all, waiting until you are 30 or so to get married is the norm now- not the exception. Unless you live in a trailer park, typically there are things you need to do before marriage- like earn money. And it's hard to get there before that age.

 

And you being wishy washy is normal. You won't be proposing luckily, so we can take little impediment out of the equation. You just get to sit back and answer.

 

And the question is, Is there hope for us? There is always hope. But both of you need to get off your dis-affected asses and get a grip. Your boyfriend could be ground up in a tree mulcher or fed to muslims in Iraq tomorrow. Stop screwing around. Either you want a future with him or you are a dolt. Pick.

[SarahRose]

Justnormal, that made me laugh.

 

I'm just a wee bit over 30 and already have a great career.

 

I'm pretty sure I want a future with him. How do I know for sure if he wants one with me?

[Riot Nrrrd]

Maybe you both just have passive commitment conflicts, and they aren't that major - self-awareness is the key here, the fact that you are aware of the issue is the most important thing (and that he is aware of it as well).

 

It would be a far bigger problem if either of you were the "active avoider"/"active runner" type of Commitmentphobe, with one foot out the door the whole time (after the "honeymoon period"). That is a recipe for disaster.