What is her problem??

[DMRB]

My best friend really upsets me sometimes. We've known eachother since we were like 5.

 

She is so worried about what other people think. She's always concerned about how she looks and her reputation. She's "average". She's not overweight, but she could lose weight and look better and be healthier. But at the same time she'll tell me what I should be doing to lose weight because she says i would look a lot better if lost weight. Now to me that's insulting, but at the same time she seems to have good intentions. Its really hard to explain. She says that she just thinks that people should always try to be better and she can't understand how I can be happy with myself the way I am.

 

The other thing is, i'll say an inappropriate joke or something (that normally she would laugh at, but not crude or anything, just something that others could possibly take offense to) and if theres people around it doesn't matter how quiet i try to be, she gets so angry at me because "someone could've heard me".

 

One time, we went to go get pizza and i thought she was paying but, she said all she had was a card and not cash, so I paid (she would pay me back) and i made a comment, like 'what a bum!' (in an obvious joking-tone of voice) in front of the cashier (i have a habit of calling people names, like bum, hobo, geek, etc.) She got so upset she ignored me for two days.

 

Now she'll turn around and make jokes all the time but I'M always too loud, and she's not.

 

I just want to understand why she seems to be so concerned with what other people think - even people she's never met!

[yeawutever]

Have you try talking to her about this?? If not, try mentioning how it makes you feel very uncomfortable. One of the reaons she may care abbout what others will say is because she is probably dealing with insecuroty issues.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

She sounds a little bit over sensitive to me - not talking to you because you jokingly insulted her for two days?

 

She also sounds rude by telling you you'd look better slimmer, and insecure if she is projecting her issues onto you in this way.

 

When it comes to friends like this, you have to weigh up just how much joy versus how much annoyance they give you, and make a decision accordingly as to whether or not you should hang out so much.

 

People do grow apart as they get older.

[Scout]

I agree she sounds extra sensitive to what other people think, yet isn't using that same sensitivity towards you by telling you to lose weight. On the other hand, I gotta say that comment you made about her being a bum was embarrassing. Joke or not, I would have been irritated by that comment, as well, if I was in her place.

 

Perhaps you two are growing apart if it's gotten to the point that constant nitpicking and bickering are showing in your friendship. But, I'd recommend sitting down and talking to each other about it first. You've been friends so long, that much at least is owed to your friendship.

[DMRB]

We haven't really talked about the situation. I guess that's what we should do. I just don't want her to be mad at me for telling her what i think (i don't like fighting). And Scout, i guess it's a matter of opinion and maybe what i said was offensive, but honestly I didn't really think about it when I said it because we always joke and talk to eachother like that...She even laughed, then when we left she wouldn't talk to me. So I don't know. It seems like we get along fine, but she's just REALLY sensitive, I guess.

[yeawutever]

Yup, very sensitive, I say give it a week and if she still doesn't wanna talk to you cuz of the "bum" comment, then might as well not talk to her unless she does.

[Scout]

Hmmm, well if that's the case, she does sound extremely sensitive. And I understand that's why you might be reluctant to talk to her. If you can open the conversation with something about how much her friendship means to you, and a comment or two about why you like her, that can often set a nice positive tone. Just follow with you'd like to come up with a way not to hurt her feelings or embarrass her as much as you unintentionally seem to do, but at the same time, not feel like you're walking around on eggshells so often either!

[anonymous_presence]

She's probably not aware of it and does it out of habit, because you seem okay with it. It's not right though that she should be able to criticize you and you not her, but if it's something that's mutually accepted, then hey, it's a piece of pie. That's what it seems like from her perspective most likely, but you aren't okay with it, so bring it up.

 

You two clearly have a valuable and strong friendship, yet if you keep letting her walk all over you, you'll feel resentment, and that's not easy to fix. So better sooner than later. Tell her that you don't appreciate her telling you to improve yourself because you're happy with who you are (no need to play the offense and start picking out her projected insecurities). Ask her how she feels when you make jokes that unknowingly offend her - it's either all or nothing, right? Either she stops reacting sensitively or you and her alike stop the jokes. She could be laughing it off in public to make her appear like someone who's easy going, and is earnestly trying to tell you to stop making those remarks (however innocuous they may be) but just doesn't how to. Be nonconfrontational and understanding and there won't be any conflict, just a sincere discussion.

[Haven]

The "bum" comment shouldn't have affected her that much. It sounds like your friend has low self-esteem issues. A huge sign is that she's so worried about what other people think, even people she hasn't met. Plus she doesn't want to be embarrassed by you because she thinks if you do something socially wrong, then people will think you're a freak, and because she's hanging out with you, then by association she's a freak as well. (Probably not the term 'freak', but that's all I could think of.. this behavior is similar to what kids think when they don't want to be embarrassed by their parents in public.) Also, she's worried about her looks and reputation, another sign of low self-esteem. Basically everything you said about her points to her having low self-esteem.

 

So, I'm not really sure how you should go about this. You could try approaching the subject with her, and tell her that she's an awesome person and doesn't need to worry about what other people think, etc.