Ex has you blocked but contacts you via email?

[Leigh]

it's probably a good idea you decided against the visit. when i read about your plans i got a little worried for ya! to be honest, i really don't know what your next move should be. it's hard. i hope you get it all figured out, though.

 

Thanks for keeping tabs on me Joyce. No worries though, it was only a temporary lapse of sanity.

[Leigh]

Well it happened,

I IMed the ex... he said Hi

Me: I was beginning to think you'd forgotten all about me..."

Him: I have been getting on with life...

(OUCH OMG that was HARSH to say to someone who hasn't been showing anything but that they've been moving on with life too!) His response seemed angry... defensive.. I didn't understand his need to be harsh.

Me: As have I, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten about you...

And after that he softened up and chatted with me for 3 hours...

 

What to think? He was initially very friendly and gradually became more aloof later as he was providing me with guidance to help me find my next goal... strange conversation, but because we are both transient types (he more experienced than I) he was trying to be there for me in my current state of limbo and help me find my way again.

 

Advice given included that I may need to take some time to find out what I want and sort things out... that I shouldn't rush, but should set deadlines... that I should enjoy my summer...??? He will be here in a few weeks for about a month to visit family. He is aware that I am currently looking to find my next job location (told him it wouldn't be in Canada but was aloof on where I had been looking at moving next). The second I even hinted at leaving here he immediately asked where I was going.

 

I don't know what to make of this. Part of me thinks that he must really care about me to want to be here for me despite the fact that I'm his ex...

 

Part of me thinks maybe he's just alleviating his guilt - but then I also think he was willing to open the lines of communication BEFORE he comes home - if we're friends then clearly we may now get together when he's here, no?

I had already stopped contacting him prior to him unblocking me and us agreeing to be friends... the easiest thing for him to have ended it as a "clean break" would have been to continue without contact until AFTER he had already come and gone from our hometown next month... no chance of mixed messages...no chance to have to deal with the hassle of seeing the ex when he's home... He knows he was in the clear as far as contact from me, so do you think it's a good sign that he's reinitiated before coming home and has also wanted us to be friends only a month after the breakup?

 

Part of me also thinks that he didn't like being "out of the loop" in this critical time for me... every week that passes there is a greater chance that I may have made some huge life decision and may move away where we will not be able to reconcile. When we were in NC he had no way of knowing what I've been doing.

 

He also let on to me in our IMs that he's been meditating daily for the past 2 weeks (same period where he reinitiated emailing and unblocking me)... This is something we used to do together, but had both stopped for months... I have a feeling he may be feeling some anxiety over all of this... he also revealed that from meditating he's seen "no improvement" so maybe this is finally hitting him after all?

 

Would love any thoughts from anyone. I'm trying to approach this logically and go by actions instead of words. Again, his action of unblocking me and being open to communication BEFORE coming home - think there is anything to that?

[Leigh]

BTW, I've decided to disappear from showing online for at least a couple of weeks now to try to undo the damage... I guess I should be happy that he wants to be in my life, but I can't help but be sad that he really seems to have stopped loving me?

 

One added thought... he kept saying that I needed to figure things out and got a bit unnerved when I kept talking about following signs etc.. as opposed to using logic to find my way again. I don't think he likes the unpredicatability of where I may go if I'm left to following the stars so to speak.

[jenny_mcs]

Leigh, I apologize in advance for my bluntness, but seriously, what the heck are you doing? I went back and read some of your previous threads. Here’s what I got from that:

 

-He got an opportunity for a new business venture in LA, and asked you to join him, even managing to get you some work out of it. Even before you left, you had some insecurities about the situation.

 

-When you got to LA, the work he had hoped to pass your way didn’t come through (very common with a start-up!), and you had to look for a job. He had no problem supporting you while you were unemployed.

 

-You became insecure/depressed about the situation (and this is understandable!), and after a period of bickering, abruptly announced you were going to SF for an undetermined amount of time to stay with friends.

 

-You kept in light contact during this time. Your ex was coming to the area, and offered to bring you some of your things. You wait till the weekend he was supposed to be there, and then, with no warning, jump in your car and drive to Canada.

 

-Now that you are in Canada, you have announced your intentions to move to Europe as quickly as possible.

 

Yet all the while you are doing this, you express here on this site how much you love this man and wish things could work out. I’m sorry, but your actions do not convey that at all. Geez, I’m not surprised he had to start meditating again, he probably feels like he has been run over with a steamroller.

 

I guess my main question to you is “What are you running from?” Clearly you are running for something, and it may be that you are running from yourself. And it seems like it upsets you that this man is not chasing after you as you make your way around the world.

 

You seem confused by his actions- but to me, his actions are very easy to understand. He is trying to be supportive, yet I’m sure he is keeping his distance because what you are doing does not make any sense, and your actions have been hurtful to him.

 

I think you need to slow down and stop frantically planning your next escape. Decide what it is you want. If what you want is to repair this relationship, take some time and calmly talk/write to your ex about this. See if there is anything left that can be fixed. Once that has been figured out, start thinking about the next stage of your life. Find something you can work towards, rather than basing your decisions on what you are running away from. Good luck.

[Leigh]

Leigh, I apologize in advance for my bluntness, but seriously, what the heck are you doing? I went back and read some of your previous threads. Here’s what I got from that:

 

Don't worry about the bluntness, I realize that some of the details have been muffled in my posts, so I'll try to clarify the blanks.

 

-He got an opportunity for a new business venture in LA, and asked you to join him, even managing to get you some work out of it. Even before you left, you had some insecurities about the situation.

 

That's correct... I feared giving up my steady job in the islands because, while I trusted my ex, I didn't know the new majority biz partner from a hole in the ground...

 

-When you got to LA, the work he had hoped to pass your way didn’t come through (very common with a start-up!), and you had to look for a job. He had no problem supporting you while you were unemployed.

 

His biz partner renagged on specific projects that had been promised to me to save money (minimal amounts of money - the biz was profitting in the hundreds of thousands - the savings were incremental) putting the ex in a position of being pulled between trying to fight for the jobs for me, and relenting to the partner... The site that I had designed as one of my initial projects wound up pulling in a full 50% of the profits of the 2 sites together (the biz partner's own site and my exes site) without ANY marketing while the biz partner's site had invested tens of thousands in marketing to get those same results... what I'm saying is the lack of work for me wasn't due to unsatisfactory work from my end... I feel the business partner was purposefully trying to eek me out as he had promised my ex that after a year I would also have a stake in the overall profit-sharing...what incentive does this savvy business man have to give work to me (allowing me to eventually share in the profits), when he can outsource the work and not have to give any of the profits away? (ie: just said whatever he needed to to appease my ex into moving/merging and once all was said and done dropped my end of the deal almost immediately.)

 

-You became insecure/depressed about the situation (and this is understandable!), and after a period of bickering, abruptly announced you were going to SF for an undetermined amount of time to stay with friends.

 

Correct. The situation was very unhealthy for both my ex and I - he was unhappy because I was unhappy and with all of his new stresses I felt like a burden on him. Except I was going to stay with family, and I had discussed the possibility of me leaving a couple of weeks before (with no real date set to leave)... things were mostly great during the period that followed... but the first real argument that we had after this discussion, quickly jumped to HIM saying "haven't you left yet?"... prompting me to follow through the following day. (Even though the night before the argument things had been really strong - ie: we were still very much in love with each other - and i believe his angry words the following day were said in haste.)

 

-You kept in light contact during this time. Your ex was coming to the area, and offered to bring you some of your things. You wait till the weekend he was supposed to be there, and then, with no warning, jump in your car and drive to Canada.

 

Sorta. On his way up to San Jose, I phoned him on his cell. We had a light conversation, (we were joking and cheery), where I let him know that I was planning on heading to Canada the following week (as I could no longer stay with family in San Fran and was also not able to return to LA). I asked him if he would like to see me before I left and he told me he didn't know, and would think about it and call me back. He didn't call that night. The following day we were IMing on MSN (very briefly - less than 5 sentences before I signed off) and I told him that I would like to see he and his friend (that he was visiting) later that day and I also wanted to get his friend's wife's contact info and to call me if that was a possibility (I was friendly with him, but NOT needy in any way)... but he never phoned. Though he still may have planned on seeing me his last day there before heading back to LA, I preemptively decided to leave for Canada and send family to grab my things. I felt this was the only way to shield my heart from the rejection of having him return to LA without ever having contacted me while in the area...which at that point I felt was a strong possibility.

 

-Now that you are in Canada, you have announced your intentions to move to Europe as quickly as possible.

 

I told him before I came home that Europe was a possibility to travel (not move) as I felt (and told him) that it would be a good way to clear my head and regain some lost self-esteem. I also felt (though DID NOT say this) that it would give us some more time (a couple of months) to figure things out without me having to plant roots somewhere (get a job etc.), which would ultimately be making it more difficult to reconcile later. (Again, I did not tell him this was my reasoning.) Going to Europe also meant that we would not have to address the furniture situation - as obviously, if I'm in Europe, I will not be needing to move my things from the apartment. (My things are still there now...not sure if he's just doing me a favour or also holding out hope that we may work things out later.) Since I've been home, he's been made aware that I'm looking at my next move because I have to find work again (he knows I don't necessarily want to settle in North America), though when he's asked where, I haven't specified any location. (Partly because I'm not sure yet, and partly because I don't want to give him the impression that anything with my moving is set in stone at this point.) I don't really know what else I'm supposed to do as I need to move on with my life so long as he isn't moving towards reconciling with me.

 

Yet all the while you are doing this, you express here on this site how much you love this man and wish things could work out. I’m sorry, but your actions do not convey that at all. Geez, I’m not surprised he had to start meditating again, he probably feels like he has been run over with a steamroller.

 

lol. I understand where you were coming from.

 

I guess my main question to you is “What are you running from?” Clearly you are running for something, and it may be that you are running from yourself. And it seems like it upsets you that this man is not chasing after you as you make your way around the world.

 

Running away from being rejected I think. When LA happened and I saw that I had less to offer him (couldn't carry my weight and was depressed that my opportunity had all been an illusion) I needed a bit more reassurance from him... when I would openly feel down (NOT very often did I show this side to him) he was unable to be there for me (think he felt too guilty as I had quit my job on his word that the partner would make good on his promises). I had no friends as we'd only just moved there. I had zero support. I couldn't see the forest for the trees and knew the only way to pull out of the funk I was in was to leave to gain a better perspective. To help you understand why I was feeling so confused/lost - LA was my third home (3 different countries) in one year... two full time jobs in my field had been left to be with this man... and 2 moves...) Unfortunately, initially I had not told him that I only needed *some* time instead of a complete break up (not sure why, the final day happened so quickly and I had wanted to talk to him about a time frame before the blow up)... so by the time I was almost out the door and told him I only wanted a break - he was so angry that he ended things completely.

 

I'm not upset that he isn't chasing me, I'm upset that he won't forgive me for leaving. A few days following the break up I had phoned him and presented ways that we could fix the situation in the future (ie: not pressing the biz partner for work for me anymore which the ex would NOT stop doing even though I had asked him to let it go; letting me get my own job where I would make my own friends and help to build a new support network for myself; attending couples counselling to help with our communication.) As I stated in an earlier post, he had sounded relieved to agree to keep the door open for us and only backed away completely when I tried to put a time frame on the reconciliation. (I also feel he was still quite angry/hurt at this point.)

 

You seem confused by his actions- but to me, his actions are very easy to understand. He is trying to be supportive, yet I’m sure he is keeping his distance because what you are doing does not make any sense, and your actions have been hurtful to him.

 

I think you need to slow down and stop frantically planning your next escape. Decide what it is you want. If what you want is to repair this relationship, take some time and calmly talk/write to your ex about this. See if there is anything left that can be fixed. Once that has been figured out, start thinking about the next stage of your life. Find something you can work towards, rather than basing your decisions on what you are running away from. Good luck.

 

I know you're right about slowing down... I just don't know how to balance moving on with my life and not completely mashing any hope of reconciliation. The ex and I spoke again today on IM - and he seemed very chatty and happy to speak to me - I ended things after about 10 minutes, and things felt really comfortable between us for the first time since the breakup last month.

 

Not sure if there is any hope here. I wonder what his motivations are for now being a friend to me so early after the break up. If all goes well I think I may get the chance to see him when he comes home in a few weeks. I DO plan on discussing what happened with him more if I feel that there is any chance that he may be willing to try again. I intend to have my next move *almost* firmly in place by the time he gets here so I won't be completely devastated if things don't look promising for us.

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to give such a detailed response. I really appreciate your advice and have read your post from the "dumper" side to help give me hope that there CAN be reconciliation if the love is still there.

 

Any new insights with respect to the revised information?

[Leigh]

If anyone has the patience to help me here I would REALLY appreciate it. I'm in the process of changing my entire life - moving offshore and looking for new jobs... so I'm particularly lost right now and don't want to make a big mistake if there is something worth holding onto here.

 

I would really really love to get some additional objective opinions... I know there is a ton of wisdom in this forum and right now I need it more than ever. Am I crazy for thinking there is any hope here?

 

Thanks for reading.

[masb1x]

Hallelujah, and Amen to Jenny MCS!!! She really summed it up, and I think you should follow her advice.

 

“I think you need to slow down and stop frantically planning your next escape. Decide what it is you want. If what you want is to repair this relationship, take some time and calmly talk/write to your ex about this. See if there is anything left that can be fixed. Once that has been figured out, start thinking about the next stage of your life. Find something you can work towards, rather than basing your decisions on what you are running away from. Good luck”

 

 

 

Furthermore Leigh,

If I were you I wouldn’t worry about getting rejected. Just talk to “D” and get the “REAL” facts about what he wants. Because running away and second guessing on what he wants out of the broken relationship isn’t going to get you anywhere fast - (Except maybe to Europe).

 

Calmly, Tell “D” that you still love him and that you are willing to work things out. Then ask him if he feels the same and would be willing to work things out too. If he is willing to work things out then, (Great), work together as a “TEAM” to resolve your issues. If he is not willing to work things out than quit wasting your time, move on with your life, and forget about him. That simple!!!

 

Remember to let go of all resentments, (Biz partner situation, etc.) If you can’t let go of the resentments then you’re just fooling yourself and wasting yours/his time.

 

Sincerely,

 

MASB1X

[Leigh]

Furthermore Leigh,

If I were you I wouldn’t worry about getting rejected. Just talk to “D” and get the “REAL” facts about what he wants. Because running away and second guessing on what he wants out of the broken relationship isn’t going to get you anywhere fast - (Except maybe to Europe).

 

Thanks for responding Masb1x... I think I'm scared of letting go of this glimmer of hope inside of me that we may someday have another shot at this. It's almost like that little bit of hope is the only thing getting me through the day right now... once that's gone, I'm not sure just how I'll be able to cope.

 

I have definitely been second guessing where he stands right now. I'm not sure what the experience of the forum is on this but the current facts are:

 

- My things (furniture, clothing) are all still back in the apartment and he hasn't asked when they will be removed...

 

- He is in contact with my father and now my step-mother as well on almost a daily basis on IM - my dad and he spent Saturday kibitzing about my exes' new GPS, while my step-mother has been working on ordering a new laptop for him through her company discount.

 

- After a brief period of NC from me he emailed to see how I was and asked about flipping one of the bills into his name (that could have been easily relayed via my father)

 

- The following week after the email the ex unblocked me on MSN and we have since spoken twice and agreed to be friends. Our last conversation was just like old times, he wasn't aloof in the slighest, and seemed genuinely happy to speak with me again... the only difference was we had no XXX s at the end of the convo. He also made a point of teasing me because I have started to smoke again (he got me to quit last year) - at the end of the convo made sure to reitterate "No smoking"... I know it sounds like I'm holding onto every little detail (cause I am), but he just seems to be acting like his old self with me again and I can't help but question his motives of being friends with me so soon when we still have such strong feelings. In the initial IM conversation he was a little sharp with me until I told him (for the first time since the break up) that I "knew he was angry and doesn't want to work things out, but that I still hoped we could be friends someday"... He then told me that he would also like to be friends...

 

So he knows that I am open to working things out... would he agree to be friends with me right now knowing that I'm open to working on things if he didn't want to send me the wrong message? I'm confuzzled here...

 

Do any of these points add up to anything or am I just holding onto a dead horse??...

 

Calmly, Tell “D” that you still love him and that you are willing to work things out. Then ask him if he feels the same and would be willing to work things out too. If he is willing to work things out then, (Great), work together as a “TEAM” to resolve your issues. If he is not willing to work things out than quit wasting your time, move on with your life, and forget about him. That simple!!!

 

As I stated above, I kind of skirted around this issue in IM... I'm waiting to do any serious talking until he comes home in 2 weeks. I would really prefer not discussing things like this over phone or IM, and I'm pretty sure he would hold off discussing anything serious over those mediums as well. Communication is now open between us - I really hope he contacts me when he's home.

 

Remember to let go of all resentments, (Biz partner situation, etc.) If you can’t let go of the resentments then you’re just fooling yourself and wasting yours/his time.

 

I have been spending a ton of time trying to understand what made me leave in the first place, and I think the primary reason was feeling like I no longer had a place in his life. I'm working very hard on building myself back up again, and as I've previously stated, I'm also seeing a counsellor. This has been very helpful in learning techniques to dissolve the resentment I've felt towards the biz partner. My biggest problem in the last weeks of the relationship was that I was holding all of that negativity in (didn't want my ex to feel badly about his partner or affect their relationship)... I had no understanding of how to vent that anger in a healthy way... Now I feel I have gained some of the tools necessary to give a reconciliation (if it were ever presented) a running chance.

[masb1x]

Quote:

“Do any of these points add up to anything or am I just holding onto a dead horse??..."

 

Leigh,

 

I have a hunch that the two of you may be able to work things out.

 

If what you say is true than things do “add up”. “D” hasn’t let go of you yet.

 

For example:

 

A) Furniture – Realistically by now, “D” could have shipped the furniture back to your parents’ house with no questions asked, but he didn’t. He may be reserving the furniture issue as a “tool” to eventually work you back into his life. This may be his last "glimmer of hope" when all other channels of communications fail.

 

B) Talking to your parents when he had no interest in talking to them in the past is also a big indicator that he hasn’t let go of you yet.

 

I.E. “D” is using your parents to help “wiggle” himself back into your life. He has intercepted your escape route via your parents and their home. (Clever move huh? Not really just an old trick.)

 

I have a suspicion that your parents are very aware of what he’s doing. This is O.K. He needs all the help he can get to wiggle himself back into your arms.

 

WAIT IT OUT A FOR FEW WEEKS

 

Quote:

“As I stated above, I kind of skirted around this issue in IM... I'm waiting to do any serious talking until he comes home in 2 weeks. I would really prefer not discussing things like this over phone or IM, and I'm pretty sure he would hold off discussing anything serious over those mediums as well. Communication is now open between us - I really hope he contacts me when he's home.”

 

I absolutely agree with you. Wait until he comes home in 2 weeks before you do any serious talking. In the mean time keep the lines of communications open with him.

 

Remember to be patient, keep calm, and don’t get into any heated arguments. Always keep the conversations light and humorous. And don’t pressure him, just act like you have all the time in the world.

 

Good luck!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

MASB1X

[Leigh]

Thanks for your thoughts again, Masb1x.

 

Unfortunately, I screwed up AGAIN... After 5 days of staying off of MSN I decided to go back on and IM the ex. Our last conversation had been so positive, and I hadn't had contact with him since... so after about 7 hours of us both being online (we both work on our computers all day) I decided to write him a quick message.

 

I Wrote: Still feels strange being online and not saying hi - so hi.

 

I was trying to be an adult about it, as us not talking to each other while we were both online felt like sitting in the same room all day and ignoring each other. After all, we had agreed to be friends the week before...

 

The minutes ticked by - each one more painful than the last... finally after 15 minutes of waiting I reacted. (shame on me I know). But this is a man who I've spent over 2 years talking on MSN with (even when we were in the same home) and he has NEVER taken 15 minutes to say Hi back... plus his 'Away' status never came on - so it's not like he was trying to pretend that he was away from the computer.

 

Now I know this may seem like I overreacted - but this guy had been behaving so hot and cold with me - I really felt like if I DIDN'T react I would be sending a really strong message about how I was allowed to be treated. And yes, I realize he's my ex and owes me nothing, but this is a man who is presently using all of my things in the apartment that I was more or less not allowed to return to, and I have been nothing but pleasant with him even though my life is now in shambles... I felt that the least he could have done was not play these games with me... We have always tried to treat each other with respect, above all else. I had done nothing to deserve the sudden silent treatment.

 

So I called him on the silence.. (I know this was wrong so please don't chastise me for this)... I basically told him that I wasn't sure what I'd done wrong, but that I got the picture... and then I went offline and have stayed offline since. (This happened on Tuesday.) My frustration came from the fact that we had been great the week before, so I had no forewarning that I would receive such a cold reception out of the blue.

 

So I was devastated for a few days. Then on Thursday my father tells me that my ex IMed him and was chitchatting about how his business is doing... that he's started running this week, but doesn't like it (my dad runs marathons) and that he's looking forward to his motorcycle ride back from Canada after coming home in a couple of weeks. (He's coming to where I am to see family and will ride his bike back to LA.) My father told my ex that the ride would probably be much like a vision quest as it's only him, the road and his thoughts for days at a time. The ex acknowledged that he knew this, and added that his last long ride had been "life-altering".

 

So now I'm utterly confused. I cut contact with the ex on Tuesday after calling him out on his poor behaviour towards me.. but then my ex contacts my dad and chats about his life on IM for 20 minutes? I know people have offered that he may be using them to wiggle back into my life - but why does he need to go through them when I'm RIGHT HERE and he's chosen to cut ties with me again?

 

Does he hate me? Why has he cut contact with me again? Why genuinely act like friends one week and then ignore each other the next? I didn't do anything in between... and why contact my father like this? If he's done with me (ignoring me etc.) then why continue contact with my dad?

 

HELP!!!! Anyone?

[joyce1412]

So now I'm utterly confused. I cut contact with the ex on Tuesday after calling him out on his poor behaviour towards me.. but then my ex contacts my dad and chats about his life on IM for 20 minutes? I know people have offered that he may be using them to wiggle back into my life - but why does he need to go through them when I'm RIGHT HERE and he's chosen to cut ties with me again?

 

Does he hate me? Why has he cut contact with me again? Why genuinely act like friends one week and then ignore each other the next? I didn't do anything in between... and why contact my father like this? If he's done with me (ignoring me etc.) then why continue contact with my dad?

 

i'd be willing to bet he knows he's making you crazy and is loving the thought of it. sad, but probably true. if i remember correctly you were the first one to suggest breaking up, and moved away from him...and he probably wants to make you suffer for it for a while.

 

just relaaaaax as much as you can. seriously, it's my belief that our exes have a sixth sense that allows them to feel when you're starting to genuinely not care, and at that moment they pounce, and make a move to get closer to you. like extreme murphy's law!

 

also, you might feel better if when you choose to contact him you do it in a method that doesn't demand an immediate response. yeah, maybe when you were with your ex he always responded immediately...but he's not with you anymore, and he probably wants you to be acutely aware of the fact that you chose (at one time) to not be with him.

 

if you feel like contacting him, try an email, and don't make it a simple "hi...just checking in" kinda thing, or ask too many questions, because again you're asking for a response, and that's giving him another opportunity to reject you. you can also try a short phone call, and if he doesn't pick up leave a nice message. the IM you sent him sounded kind of awkward anyway...don't make contact deliberately awkward, make it fun. also, have some sort of PURPOSE in your contact...not "oh hey, can i pick this or that up from the apartment," but more like "hey, this website is fricking hilarious, i thought you'd like it, here's the link. take care!"

 

don't make too many of these contacts, you don't want to overwhelm him. but make them pleasant, and don't put yourself in situations where you can get your feelings hurt. leave a message or send an email with the expectation that it could be ignored, and you'll just be pleasantly surprised when he answers back.

[backinlife]

Hi Leigh,

 

as you know I wonder about the same things...

 

My mom is a very smart woman,especially considering relationships (she is a therapist and does single councelling and relationship councelling). And I asked her the same questions: why is he on and off, why is he mean, why can't he not respond, if he is so angry, that means he loves me, why does he shove me away so bad, why is he still telling me how much he is hurting while he definitely doesn't want to be with me anymore, and all that...

 

My mom says:

 

While life tricks us into believing we have many choices, we don't. Just because different people do different things, doesn't mean the range of options is avaiable to everyone. It might seem that your Ex could just come back if he loves you so much. It might seem that he could just talk to you about it. It might seem that it would be so easy. he could just call you and say: "baby come back, i love you" and everything would be good for him and for you. But it isn't so.

 

Look at yourself. do you have any other choice than what you are doing right now? Don't you also feel trapped? Maybe your ex thinks you could also have it so easy, just relax and do the things you wanted to do. But you can't. We think the world is full of possibilities, cause we see people do so many different things. But these options are not there for everyone of us. We are rather limited individuals in fact.

 

Me for example. I get into the same fight with my father for 13 years now. The same fight. I have thought about it, I have cried, i tried to not care, i confronted, i fought. But it happens over and over again. Its the same thing, i can't do anything else, it is me. One day it might stop, one day i might find the way out, or the day will never come.

 

My ex handles things the same way since he was little. He is unforgiving, relied on himself, and whenever there is a situation he can't deal with he choses to go nuts and wild and drink and be selfish. He did this all his life, never tried anything else. Me too. Same story. i got very hurt when i was 5 years old. And ever since I am protecting myself from pain. That includes being callous and selfish, not taking people seriously and not giving myself in relationships...

 

We have no other choice sometimes. The only chance we have is to grow beyond. I am also trapped between my self respect and the love,and i wound a trick to be ok with both. The love for him is ME. So if I act on this love its nothing bad, its me. So i can be myself and at the same time be crazy in love with someone who is not willing to act on his love. And it is fine. it must be. My love is inside of me, it's not depending on reflection or action.

 

he has no other choice than do what he does now. And its so strong, he risks your love over it. It is so strong, he can't control it. You think now, but he is such a powerful man, and he could for some time and all that (i think the same) but if he could do something else in this situation he would. He KNOWS you love him, he KNOWS you are good for him, and he has not forgotten how happy he was with you. If he could go back to there, he would as a sane person.

 

Give him time. I have grown, he can do it too. These men cannot be pushed, they will push back harder, as you have stated, and its true. We picked strong guys, we loved that about them. We need to give them the chance to be them again, and then they will realize that we are inside of them. The part of you that is inside of him will do the job. Rely!

 

So that was the smart part.... Otherwise i am crying again and puking. But i am ok with it. I am happy i can feel so strong. And that has to be enough for now.

 

I wrote him this morning:

 

"After all this. All this thinking. After accepting that everything is a narrative, everything is constructed and after i am ok with that and using this to get better.

 

I sit here, and i think i need to do something crazy. I don't know what is moving me. We were crazy, me and you. I want to be crazy once more. And i feel i want to do nothing of the * * * * all the books say, and all my friends say, and what i think i have to do. i want to fall in love with you again. I want to not think about practicalities and working on things, i don't want to think about whether or not we have a chance in hell. I don't even want to TRY hard, or make you feel the same. I don't need a open door from you, I don't need you to work with me. I don't need you to have the same plan. I don't even need you to talk to me on the phone when you don't want to, I don't need you to keep in touch, or "be there". I won't be needy in that sense. This love is completely separate from whether it is reflected or not. No frustration, no hurt, no pain.

 

I want to love the whole person, without the construction, without the phantasies and the dreams, no hollywood, no love story, without the stuff that looks good on paper, but also without the stuff that doesn't look good on paper (like not being together). I want to love you REGARDLESS. As in pure and not affecting my decisions, or my life, or me. And also not affecting you, your life and your decisions. I must sound completely crazy, and it is. I love you, and it was never meant so purely before. Not for the things i mentioned in the beginning, not for the things that have happened in the past, not for my guilt to go away, not for making myself feel better, not for me, and also not for you, not for any purpose at all. Purposeless. This is about ME without it being not about YOU. Is is about YOU inside of ME. Its fully me, cause the seed of this is inside of me, and ever since i am giving it space it grows and grows and it makes me so full.

 

This is my new try. Its an experiment without any purpose or aim. Its new and can't be found in the self help section, Its not even because i want to be this person, or because its my new narrative, or my new "RELIGION". It just is. Cause it exists. Being myself and self sufficient. Not losing myself, but finding myself in this love. Not making a choice thereforeeee there not being a first, second or third choice. No testing, no questioning, no trying to disprove or prove. No physical holding on to, no substance or things that hold it together, no effort, no work, no expectations, no more thinking, just feeling. Mere love. And it comes for free, i need nothing for it, it doesn't cost me a thing. No investment, no pay, no giving anything up. It just gives me more of everything. It gives me being me.

 

The principle behind it would suggest that I don't even write that to you. But I am only a beginner ;-).

 

 

You might wonder what song I am now listening to... well there is no such song. I am not singing along anymore to what other people feel, or what is supposed to be felt, or what someone finds mainstream or accepted. I am not heartbroken, if it was broken, it wouldn't be so powerful. It was a growing-pain.

 

Be my best friend, be an acquaintance, hate me, think i am not worth the effort, love me, think of me, don't think of me, reply to this or don't, take out your anger or don't, try to make me stop, help me doing it or not, hang up on me, treat me like * * * *, don't love me back, never write me again or write me everyday, fall in love with someone new, cheer for Germany or not, talk about me bad or good, make me repent, stop loving me, trust me or don't, forgive me or not, enjoy being alone or miss me, get over me or not, reject me another 1000 times, poke it, test it, squeeze it, try to scare it away, I have done it, call me Ramona, or Mona or chum, think I have gone crazy, respect me, or don't ever respect me again, think what ever you want, nothing will have an effect on my love.

 

 

It exists. After everything has fallen down and the dust has settled, it is there, and without all the * * * * around it, it shines brighter than ever.

 

And this is me, and much more.

 

Mona"

 

this is my new "THING", Maybe it works, it allows me to take care of myself without having to fight the love inside of me...Sounds a little crazy, but i have always said, extreme situations demand extreme solutions

 

Maybe I'm crazy, Maybe your crazy, maybe we're crazy. Probably.

 

Mona

[Leigh]

i'd be willing to bet he knows he's making you crazy and is loving the thought of it. sad, but probably true. if i remember correctly you were the first one to suggest breaking up, and moved away from him...and he probably wants to make you suffer for it for a while.

 

Yeah, I'd have to agree with you there. I guess in a strange kind of way it's a good sign that he may still care. I was the first one to suggest leaving, however, in the end, he didn't give me any other option. His making me suffer has cost our relationship dearly as I'm unable to stay still for very long and am now making plans in my life that do not include him.

 

just relaaaaax as much as you can. seriously, it's my belief that our exes have a sixth sense that allows them to feel when you're starting to genuinely not care, and at that moment they pounce, and make a move to get closer to you. like extreme murphy's law!

 

Yeah, I believe that too.

 

 

don't make too many of these contacts, you don't want to overwhelm him. but make them pleasant, and don't put yourself in situations where you can get your feelings hurt. leave a message or send an email with the expectation that it could be ignored, and you'll just be pleasantly surprised when he answers back.

 

My counsellor, (god that sounds so nuts to say) has advised that I write him an email in a week or so just to explain the realizations I've had in counselling. She's really helped me to understand why I felt the need to run from the relationship and thinks it may be helpful if he heard this as well.. My problem is, everyone always says, don't discuss the relationship, but I think in this case it must be addressed that I'm making headway in understanding myself.

 

Thanks for the advice, Joyce.

[Leigh]

I hadnt' really thought of it that way before, but, you're right, your mother is a smart lady. Our exes are bound by their egos right now. My ex is very stubborn and I believe with all of my heart that, though he is still in love with me, he will still turn me away if I try to come back because so many lines have been crossed now. It's so sad to think that way, because I always believe that love can conquer all. Forget what others think... all that matters is that we make each other happy and have overcome a huge obstacle/growing/learning experience which makes trying again so much MORE worthwhile.

 

 

 

This sounds JUST like my ex. Very self-reliant and unforgiving. I think he is still protecting himself from pain, but I believe that he will continue to protect himself even if it means letting me go forever.

 

 

 

What IS it exactly that makes him unable to come back to me? I understand what you're saying but I have a hard time grasping how anything could keep someone from the woman/man that they loved.

 

 

 

Time is something that I don't have. I'm staying with my parents right now and feel as if I'm "waiting" for him if I don't start to move on (and away) with my life. I figure he'll be even less attracted to me thinking that I'm just sitting here pining away for him. I don't know how to strike the balance between moving on without moving so far that we can never be together again. I want to believe that he'll find value in the happy times that we've shared...but I feel as though he is distracting himself to the point of forgetting about me completely.

 

 

 

 

Absolutely.

 

Did your ex ever respond to your email?

[Leigh]

For those of you following this thread here is the latest news...

 

My father and step-mother drove to LA today to pick up some things from my old apartment - I really only needed some CDs containing portfolio work, but I guess the ex packed up more of my things and sent them along as well. This would be a very bad sign for me that things are really over, except that I believe my recent actions may have contributed to the return of more of my items (there is still an apartment full of my furniture there btw).

 

Here is why I believe some more of my things were returned:

 

My exes family and I have always been rather close, and though I know it's a no-no to contact the exes family, I feel like he's been doing the same thing with mine, so fair is fair. I also felt like I may be perceived as being rude to them if I didn't stop in to say hello while I'm in town. So, Thursday, I was driving in the area of my exes' parents' place and his dad happened to be out in the garage having a cigarette. So then I felt really rude just driving past...I pulled over, got out and joined him for a cigarette.

 

During the conversation I was confident and happy... when the parents had seen me last they were visiting us in the Caribbean right before we were to move to LA and saw a less positive side of me as I was coping with alot of insecurity over the impending move. It was important to me to have his father see that I was back to my old self again. He even commented on how good I looked, which was nice to hear.

 

My ex is very tight-lipped about his life in general, even with his parents, so I knew the jist of the story they had probably received was that I had just up and bailed on their son. I felt the need to explain myself, and so I opened up. His father knew that my previous relationship had been abusive (3 years living with that guy) so I let him know that I was finally in counselling to heal from that experience. I let him know the things that had been said to me in counselling, mainly, that the move, loss of job, and lack of friends in LA all contributed to "opening the floodgates" to all of my buried insecurities that I'd never dealt with properly before getting into the new relationship.

 

Although I had felt fine and confident when I met my ex, it wasn't until I was met with such a challenge that these negative feelings finally resurfaced. As my counsellor put it "you don't live with a man for 3 years constantly telling you how worthless you are and how nobody will ever want you without it sticking somewhere in the back of your mind..." When I lost my job and had no support from friends I began to replay those words in my mind (subconsciously)... it triggered a feeling that it was only a matter of time before the ex would realize how worthless I really was and leave me. So I left first. Again, I was assured that this was textbook behaviour for a previously abused woman. You take the offensive to avoid being hurt/rejected.

 

My exes' father seemed to genuinely understand. I think he appreciated that I humbled myself to explain what had really happened... that I had taken responsibility for it... that there WAS a reason... and that I was working on correcting and healing so it would never happen again. Up until that explanation, I believe they thought I may have just been playing games with their son's heart. It took a lot of courage for me to open up that way, and I think the action caused his heart to warm a little for me.

 

I never spoke of getting back with the ex. I spoke about how much better I was feeling since understanding why I had reacted as I had. I let him know that I had only wanted to leave as a break... that I had never intended on hurting "D", that I loved him very much and missed him, and that I was sorry that things ended the way they had. To which his father shockingly replied "Never say never."

 

That meant so much to me - not because I thought he had some inside scoop from his son, but because he was not trying to discourage me from getting back with "D". It made the humiliation I felt telling him my story worthwhile... I felt that he really understood me and bore no ill will towards me.

 

Knowing that the ex might be hearing the contents of our talk, I wanted to make sure to be completely honest the entire time. His dad asked me if I was applying for jobs in town to which I replied, "No". I told him that I could not see my self settling in North America again right now, and that I was looking into Spain. I was being honest... I also didn't want the ex to think that there had been an ulterior motive to my visit with his dad. I didn't do it to win him back. I did it to make amends with my own worry that his parents would never know what had really happened and would think that I was a heartless person.

 

So, I believe the ex may have now heard that I'm looking at moving again...and that may be why so many more of my things were included in today's pickup from the old apartment.

 

I guess my step-mother spoke with him while they were bringing my things to the car... I haven't gotten the whole story, but basically the points I've pulled are these:

 

- The ex let her know that he hadn't expected me to leave California completely (not sure if he meant he thought I would stay closer in San Fran or what)

 

- That he had expected me to return to pack my things (instead of my family) to which my step-mother replied: "Are you kidding? She was so heart-broken the last thing she wanted to do was come back..."

 

- That the other night on MSN he had gone out and returned to find my upset message... (to which he still hasn't replied)..

 

- That my step-mother had made a comment about how the things she was taking today would be going into storage in NoCal (before eventually being moved to Canada with her things when she moves back in November).. and that if we were ever getting back together that we would need to notify her before my things go all the way back to Canada ... to this the ex said nothing... Is that a good sign? He could have closed the door completely and said "I don't think so" or anything like that but didn't...

 

So my question to everyone is this? He knew that everything he was saying to my step-mother would get back to me... What do you think of what he said to her?

 

Does it sound like this is over? I'm so confused - and would love both male and female perspectives on this. PLEASE!!!

[backinlife]

Our exes are bound by their egos right now. My ex is very stubborn and I believe with all of my heart that, though he is still in love with me, he will still turn me away if I try to come back because so many lines have been crossed now.

 

We are stubborn too. We insist with all we have that we could work things out. Sometimes i think, my Ex is a smart man, he really is, i love his intellect and I think he takes good decisions. I was ready to put my life in his hands and never had a doubt that he will handle it to my best interest. Maybe I have to trust him on this one...

 

It's so sad to think that way, because I always believe that love can conquer all. Forget what others think... all that matters is that we make each other happy and have overcome a huge obstacle/growing/learning experience which makes trying again so much MORE worthwhile.

 

Well, maybe he thought that too, but then you left, and suddely he felt like a fool for believing it

 

 

This sounds JUST like my ex. Very self-reliant and unforgiving. I think he is still protecting himself from pain, but I believe that he will continue to protect himself even if it means letting me go forever.

 

I am thinking along the same lines. The solution to this can only be: Don't be a threat. I have been thinking about this a lot, and i tried to find a way that i can stop threatening him. He is still do hurt and full of pain. With my mail i tried to appear less as a threat and at the same time still bein around. My Ex reacted really bad to me wanting to come back (he said its disrespecting his feelings and making my mistake small by pretending it can be forgiven) and he also reacted bad when i told him i let him go ("I knew that you would be able to move on in a flash, this was never important to you"). So i am finding a middle way and hope it gives him more distance.

 

 

What IS it exactly that makes him unable to come back to me? I understand what you're saying but I have a hard time grasping how anything could keep someone from the woman/man that they loved.

 

After you compromised the notion of "love can conquer anything" he felt stupid to keep that up. Now he has a new ideology, like "love is not enough" (that's my ex's).

 

 

Time is something that I don't have. I'm staying with my parents right now and feel as if I'm "waiting" for him if I don't start to move on (and away) with my life. I figure he'll be even less attracted to me thinking that I'm just sitting here pining away for him. I don't know how to strike the balance between moving on without moving so far that we can never be together again.

 

I don't have time either. My boy is moving to South Africa in 30 days and I have no clue where i will end up working, probably not anywhere near him. But when I met him, I had a planeticket for a different continent and departure was 30 days away. And it looked like we won't be together anytime soon. We tried anyway, and we managed to spend only 60 days without each other in that year, allthough we were living 6000 miles away and had responsibilities on different continents. The world is small... if you decide to try again, physical distance will not change it. so much for physical distance.

 

The emotional distance is something else. This makes me nervous too. On the one hand its a big thing to not solve this together. There is a high risk that you will grow apart. On the other hand, everything your Ex experienced so far, makes him what he is now. He is a sum of experiences, and it is a huge coincidence that he became the person you love. Same goes for you. The common past won't rescue the connection, but the sum of experience is. Not being connected at all, is better than being connected in pain (I hope)

 

I want to believe that he'll find value in the happy times that we've shared...but I feel as though he is distracting himself to the point of forgetting about me completely.

 

We have to rely now that we made a good choice with our partners. Once the hurt is gone, they will be able to see the good. i am not really there yet, I am mostly sad when I think back. Even the good stuff makes me sad, this will take a while. Distraction up until complete bliss cannot last for ever. It works for some time. Both our Exes are really busy right now and caught up in a new life. We are sitting at home and have not much to do, so of course we are forced to deal with everything, and they don't. But at some point they will have to. And then its up to them really. They can say, well good times, i could have done something else and be happy, but its too late. The could say, well good times, i wonder what she is up to and whether i can call her up and tell her how i feel. Then they have a full range of possibilities.... I am excited, and I wonder if I would be up for that after a long time of healing...

 

Did your ex ever respond to your email?

 

No, he didn't. he will either take a lot of time for a response, or not write back. My mail wasn't exactly asking questions and demands no answers, that was made pretty clear. Furthermore i think he doesn't know what to say. I think he realizes sometimes what a fool he is... And he is not the kind of guy who would admit that easily. And really, what could he say? There is no answer to my mail.

 

 

Today was weird. I again didn't get my * * * up, tried sleeping in the afternoon, so that i am not conscious for a while. Crahsed even more in the evening. But the I went out to see a friend. She set my head straight again and told me not to be angry or hurt, don't make the same mistake like him, he can't escape from his own ties. Trust on his potential and his love. Once he can get rid of the hate (and he has to, cause he loves you, and that is INSIDE of him, so he can't hate himself for ever), he will see more clearly. And then you have to rely on his love and his ability to act on it. Now i am confident again. Mornings are always so bad, and then i get better till the evening. I think i need to find a * * * *ty job, that keeps me busy in mornings.

 

I am sure moving to europe and not waiting around will be good for you. And I feel with you, but really, we can't wait for them to come running and picking us up from our parents place... So lets get moving and get ourselves back on track. Rest will follow. Either with the guys, or not. Europe rocks! Its a nice place, and our mothers have handsome sons too ;-)

 

If nothing works, i think we should just switch partners, they seem like one and the same. Mine will be in Africa, thats also nice, and i always wanted to go to the states ;-)

 

Have a good night, I feel you

 

Mona

[joyce1412]

i think i'm going to agree with the comment made earlier by (i believe) jenny mcs.

 

first you tried to break it off with your ex, now you're expressing firm intent to leave the country. no wonder your ex feels weird about getting back with you...you keep sending mixed signals, and why should he get back with the person who has already hurt him when her ability to be in a relationship with him isn't even a sure thing because she wants to leave? you've just put too many roadblocks in the way.

 

you're trying not to be too available, which is a good thing, but you're expecting this person to reach out to you and tell you not to move after he's already been discouraged by your lack of confidence in the relationship. it's just a whole lot to ask of him, especially because he's 1. a man and 2. stubborn/prideful.

 

also, there are probably other discouraging factors for him, such as the depression you're currently experiencing, even the fact that you took up smoking again. for your ex to get back with you he has to feel like you, and thus the relationship, will be stronger than before. and it sounds like you've only gotten weaker and less confident. this doesn't help.

 

i'd suggest taking away the roadblocks that are between you. for example, you really AREN'T SURE you want to leave the country, are you? so just say that you're leaving your career options open, and one of those options is leaving the country. that's honest, right? do your best to get happier, try to drop the cancer sticks. you want to convey to all that you are becoming a more stable person. and try to send signals to your ex that are as consistent as possible.

 

i know you're fretting about all the things that are going wrong now, so take the energy you were/are using in being worried and throw it into something more positive.

[Leigh]

i think i'm going to agree with the comment made earlier by (i believe) jenny mcs.

 

first you tried to break it off with your ex, now you're expressing firm intent to leave the country. no wonder your ex feels weird about getting back with you...you keep sending mixed signals, and why should he get back with the person who has already hurt him when her ability to be in a relationship with him isn't even a sure thing because she wants to leave? you've just put too many roadblocks in the way.

 

I understand, but I feel like I'm just sitting here...waiting. The only career option I want if it's not going back to work in LA, is to move away. That has to happen soon... I guess I'll lay off discussing the moving away stuff with him until I have complete closure on the situation.

 

you're trying not to be too available, which is a good thing, but you're expecting this person to reach out to you and tell you not to move after he's already been discouraged by your lack of confidence in the relationship. it's just a whole lot to ask of him, especially because he's 1. a man and 2. stubborn/prideful.

 

My problem here is that I had spoken with him 3 days after the break up citing that I needed to know if the door was still open, because if it wasn't I was going to be moving offshore again. The plan if there WAS a chance was to stay in San Fran for some time until we figured out what we wanted and for me to get some counselling. Initially he agreed to leave the door open and promised to be there in the end while I work on my past issues... but when I tried to put a time limit on it he said: "No, you have to do this for you, not because you think I'm going to be there in the end..." "I'm sorry, I have to go my own path now, I don't see a future for us.."

 

Because of those words I left California. I wasn't really sure if he really meant it when he said that he didn't see a future for us, or if he was just saying that so I would TRULY only be doing this work for me... Knowing that closing the door would mean that I would move away, I couldn't believe he said those words to me. After the fact, I began to think that maybe he had thought I would stay in San Francisco anyway, and that he was safe to say such an extreme thing (no future) because he didn't believe I would really move back to Canada.

 

What my step-mother said that he told her today ("I was shocked that she moved back to Canada, I thought she would stay in California..) has now confirmed to me that he didn't think I would actually leave. Now the question remains... did he really mean what he said about not seeing a future? Or was he just saying that so that I wouldn't hold on to him while doing this work on myself?

 

The point is, I didn't want to run. I left because of what he said. If I had been able to maintain some shred of hope, I would have stuck around.

 

also, there are probably other discouraging factors for him, such as the depression you're currently experiencing, even the fact that you took up smoking again. for your ex to get back with you he has to feel like you, and thus the relationship, will be stronger than before. and it sounds like you've only gotten weaker and less confident. this doesn't help.

 

Yes, I understand that he needs to feel that I am stronger. I intend to send him an email in a couple of weeks letting him know my progress in counselling... honestly, it's been a very eye-opening experience to speak to a professional about all of this. I'm now working on forgiving myself for becoming so negative in the end... I've been assured that I'm not crazy and that what I was coping with CAN be healed and I am getting the tools necessary to make sure these insecurities do not resurface again. I just don't know if the ex will be able to believe in me after all is said and done...

 

i'd suggest taking away the roadblocks that are between you. for example, you really AREN'T SURE you want to leave the country, are you? so just say that you're leaving your career options open, and one of those options is leaving the country. that's honest, right? do your best to get happier, try to drop the cancer sticks. you want to convey to all that you are becoming a more stable person. and try to send signals to your ex that are as consistent as possible.

 

IF I get to see the ex when he's home for the month I intend on having a very honest, heart-to-heart with him about what I've learned. I pray that he'll love me enough to understand that what I was coping with was beyond my comprehension at the time... but that I acknowledge my responsibility in all of this and, with healing, would not have it happen to me again.

 

i know you're fretting about all the things that are going wrong now, so take the energy you were/are using in being worried and throw it into something more positive.

 

That is the hardest thing right now. All I want is to know that he wants to be there for me in the end... that he believes in me.. that he loves me..

 

I am getting stronger everyday - I am learning to forgive myself - I am learning to accept that this will all take time... and I'm hoping that our love will overcome this. Will it? Only time will tell and that's what kills me.

 

There is another part of me that feels that if he loves me he'll give me another chance. Though I do take responsibility for being in my past relationship and damaging myself, I still believe that if someone loves me enough they will forgive me for something that was so utterly out of my control. If my ex had dealt with something equally traumatic and did the work necessary to overcome it, I know I would welcome him back with open arms. I guess I believe that that's what love is about - forgiving, accepting, unconditional. I am making my amends. I hope he will someday love me enough to forgive me.

[backinlife]

For those of you following this thread here is the latest news...

 

ya, thats the case....

 

it triggered a feeling that it was only a matter of time before the ex would realize how worthless I really was and leave me. So I left first. Again, I was assured that this was textbook behaviour for a previously abused woman. You take the offensive to avoid being hurt/rejected.

 

I am there all the way with you

 

My exes' father seemed to genuinely understand. I think he appreciated that I humbled myself to explain what had really happened... that I had taken responsibility for it... that there WAS a reason... and that I was working on correcting and healing so it would never happen again. Up until that explanation, I believe they thought I may have just been playing games with their son's heart. It took a lot of courage for me to open up that way, and I think the action caused his heart to warm a little for me.

 

Their son's heart is frozen though

 

I never spoke of getting back with the ex. I spoke about how much better I was feeling since understanding why I had reacted as I had. I let him know that I had only wanted to leave as a break... that I had never intended on hurting "D", that I loved him very much and missed him, and that I was sorry that things ended the way they had. To which his father shockingly replied "Never say never."

 

That sounds real good, but on the other hand, he maybe doesn't talk to them about it much, doesn't want to hear what they say, and furthermore, probably he doesn't know what to say. The man seems confused, seems to still love you, I don't know if you should take his father's comment too seriously. Not many people can grasp that two people who love each other can't be together, and it shocks people, cause they want to believe in love... so people love the thought that you two could get back together, me too! So i would tell you "never say never" just to make myself feel better about my own situation, just to not give up the notion of "love conquers all"...

 

Knowing that the ex might be hearing the contents of our talk, I wanted to make sure to be completely honest the entire time. His dad asked me if I was applying for jobs in town to which I replied, "No". I told him that I could not see my self settling in North America again right now, and that I was looking into Spain. I was being honest... I also didn't want the ex to think that there had been an ulterior motive to my visit with his dad. I didn't do it to win him back. I did it to make amends with my own worry that his parents would never know what had really happened and would think that I was a heartless person.

 

I think it is very legitimate after the rejection to now go your own ways. As i stated earlier, physical distance was not an issue in your relationship, and if push comes to shove you will overcome that easily. For now, sitting at home is the thing that brings you apart the most. What shall you do now? The guy told you goodbye, should you stand around now and wait? Would he respect you for that? You need to respect his decision, and all you are doing is taking the consequences. The man said he doesn't want to plan with you anymore. And it would be offensive if you now planned with him.

 

So, I believe the ex may have now heard that I'm looking at moving again...and that may be why so many more of my things were included in today's pickup from the old apartment.

 

So be it. Really. Let's not make fools of ourselves. That is what he wanted. We need to take them for what they say.

 

The ex let her know that he hadn't expected me to leave California completely (not sure if he meant he thought I would stay closer in San Fran or what)

 

shocking! The girl he loved for her independence, then kicked out for her insecurities, makes a independent decision...must have been a shock for him, maybe it gets him thinking...

 

That he had expected me to return to pack my things (instead of my family) to which my step-mother replied: "Are you kidding? She was so heart-broken the last thing she wanted to do was come back..."

 

Ja, sad, he slammed the door and now he wants to open it a bit, to check what is happening outside there. Make sure when he gets a glimpse on you he sees a woman that kept her integrity. We can't legitimately be blamed for not trying enough, we did. He knows you are still up for it if he wanted to, you don't need to do more than that. The ball is clearly in his court.

 

That the other night on MSN he had gone out and returned to find my upset message... (to which he still hasn't replied)..

 

The thing to do then would have been to call or IM and text and say, sorry u were upset, I was out and didn't see you were messaging. The pride prevented him, sad for him.

 

That my step-mother had made a comment about how the things she was taking today would be going into storage in NoCal (before eventually being moved to Canada with her things when she moves back in November).. and that if we were ever getting back together that we would need to notify her before my things go all the way back to Canada ... to this the ex said nothing... Is that a good sign? He could have closed the door completely and said "I don't think so" or anything like that but didn't...

 

That could be everything. He can't discuss the relationship with the woman he loves, so he won't discuss it with her step-mother either. He feels confused and is scared to close the door, but as long as he can't open it either, thats nothing to be happy about. maybe he is shocked at what he has dine, maybe he is shocked how your life now changed, maybe maybe maybe...

 

Does it sound like this is over? I'm so confused - and would love both male and female perspectives on this. PLEASE!!!

 

It does sound like that. This is over. whether something new can start or not, we don't know. But you need to take what he is saying now. Thats all you have, his words (which are quite clear) and his actions (which are quite clear too). You are not leaving him, you are just reacting to what he said. And he said it is over, and for him it seems to be. Give him that. Let him keep his integrity and keep yours.

 

I hope i was not too negative. I am not objective right now, cause i am so angry at my ex i could scream... And your situation reminds me of mine, so much so that "D" is annoyingme too....

 

Mona

[Leigh]

Their son's heart is frozen though

 

That it is... I keep thinking this guy talks to my parents...gets a discount on a laptop through my family... is in an apartment furnished almost completely by me... and yet he doesn't even have the decency to have a heart and acknowledge my existence.

 

 

That sounds real good, but on the other hand, he maybe doesn't talk to them about it much, doesn't want to hear what they say, and furthermore, probably he doesn't know what to say. The man seems confused, seems to still love you, I don't know if you should take his father's comment too seriously. Not many people can grasp that two people who love each other can't be together, and it shocks people, cause they want to believe in love... so people love the thought that you two could get back together, me too! So i would tell you "never say never" just to make myself feel better about my own situation, just to not give up the notion of "love conquers all"...

 

I haven't placed too much bearing on what his father said, other than the fact that it meant that he wasn't against me in this situation.

 

I think it is very legitimate after the rejection to now go your own ways. As i stated earlier, physical distance was not an issue in your relationship, and if push comes to shove you will overcome that easily.

 

I realize that, ultimately, the distance will not matter in the long run if we're meant to be.

 

shocking! The girl he loved for her independence, then kicked out for her insecurities, makes a independent decision...must have been a shock for him, maybe it gets him thinking...

 

Yes, and though I initiated the leaving talk I was, in fact, kicked out. I had only wanted some time to distance myself from an increasingly negative situation... in turn, he callously tossed me out. And when I say callously, I mean he was completely cruel the last day I was there. It's like he was saying anything and everything possible to hurt me... even cited my last relationship in a way intended to bring my past pain to the forefront again. Hurt or not, there is never a call to be heartless. Certainly I had never behaved that way with him.

 

Ja, sad, he slammed the door and now he wants to open it a bit, to check what is happening outside there. Make sure when he gets a glimpse on you he sees a woman that kept her integrity.

 

Not sure if he meant to open the door by saying that. The thing is I think he always thought the furniture meant that at SOME point I would HAVE to see him again. That was his failsafe. Yesterday was the first time he was given the idea that my parents would be looking after the move of my things. Now he knows that there isn't a reason for us to see each other again. My parents have insisted that they be allowed to look after this for me as they are already doing a move from Northern California to Canada in November... they just see no need for me to put myself back into that situation. I am really gone, and I'm not even using my things as an excuse to see him... I don't want to deal with it...period.

 

The thing to do then would have been to call or IM and text and say, sorry u were upset, I was out and didn't see you were messaging. The pride prevented him, sad for him.

 

Yes, he tried to relay what happened through my step-mother as it was easier than actually taking the time to say ANYTHING to me. I have been nothing but kind and civil to him since the break up...I've told him I'm moving on... his pride is preventing him from saying what happened. Or maybe he just doesn't care enough to be bothered. Regardless, I think there should be a base level of treatment to someone who you shared your life with for almost 2 years.

 

That could be everything. He can't discuss the relationship with the woman he loves, so he won't discuss it with her step-mother either. He feels confused and is scared to close the door, but as long as he can't open it either, thats nothing to be happy about. maybe he is shocked at what he has done, maybe he is shocked how your life now changed, maybe maybe maybe...

 

I don't place any bearing on his lack of response. There is no way to tell what he's thinking... I will be gone soon, so pretty soon none of this will matter anyway.

 

It does sound like that. This is over. whether something new can start or not, we don't know .

 

Not planning on getting involved with anyone for some time now. I'm pretty disillusioned by this whole experience.

 

I hope i was not too negative. I am not objective right now, cause i am so angry at my ex i could scream... And your situation reminds me of mine, so much so that "D" is annoying me too....

 

No, it's fine to be negative. I'm having a fairly negative day too. This is the first day I've really started to feel angry about what's happened. Despite the fact that I initiated leaving there is more to the story with regards to his cold treatment towards me that contributed to me leaving. I am taking responsibility for my issues now. But, at the end of the day, if the tables had been turned, I would have never treated "D" the way he has treated me. I would never have been able to turn my back on him while he acknowledged a desire to better himself and set things right. I would never have been so cold to him after the fact while he attempts to rebuild his life from scratch. I would never have been able to put 100% blame on him (because very rarely is that ever truly the case)... Even if we chose to dissolve the relationship, there was just no reason to toss salt on the wounds the way he has.

 

I am so thankful for the anger I feel today. At least I know my self-esteem is coming back again. I know how I treat others and I take solace in the knowledge that I will never turn my back on someone that I loved...

[masb1x]

Leigh,

 

Remember that you had just come out of an abusive relationship when you met “D”.

 

I will use the stray cat analogy.

 

You were like a stray downtrodden cat. “D” found some potential in you so he took you in and gave you some TLC. He probably thought that in time you would come out looking like prized * * * * *cat. However, in the process “D” accidentally rubbed you the wrong way, so you reacted without thinking and bit the hand that fed you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just reacted to how you were conditioned to react, in a self defense manner.

 

In other words, regardless of the condition you were in (do to the previous abusive relationship), “D” accepted you for who you were. He didn’t place any blame on you for what had happened in the past. He gave you the benefit of the doubt, put his guard down, and opened up his heart to you. Then suddenly because of someone else’s abuse towards you, you grew insecure. And in consequence, you reacted negatively and broke off the relationship.

 

“D” probably felt that you pulled the rug right out from underneath his feet. And unfortunately for him, he didn’t see it coming and fell straight on his **s. This hurt his ego!!! In his eyes, he was side swiped with a cheap shot, and felt that he didn’t deserve it. It was the other guys fault for the condition your in (insecure), not his.

 

So now “D” becomes extremely angry. He remembers the old adage, “All is fair in love and war”, and decides to live by it. He retaliates with harsh words. He takes your words and reiterates them back to you with emphasis. I.E. You say, “I’m leaving and never coming back.” He says, “Leave and NEVER come back!!!” This is a common reaction to someone who feels that they have been betrayed, so you should only take his words with a grain of salt. He too reacted in a self defense manner, and was speaking only out of anger.

 

Leigh I don’t want to “chastise” you, but I think that unless you get your act together, you are going to kill your “last glimmer of hope”. Do you know why? Because you are not following the suggestions of the people in this forum who are only trying to help you, not hurt you.

 

You really need to reread and memorize Jenny MCS’s and Joyce 1412’s last two posts.

 

Quote-Jenny MCS.

“I think you need to slow down and stop frantically planning your next escape. Decide what it is you want. If what you want is to repair this relationship, take some time and calmly talk/write to your ex about this. See if there is anything left that can be fixed. Once that has been figured out, start thinking about the next stage of your life. Find something you can work towards, rather than basing your decisions on what you are running away from. Good luck.”

 

Quote-Joyce 1412

“i'd suggest taking away the roadblocks that are between you. for example, you really AREN'T SURE you want to leave the country, are you? so just say that you're leaving your career options open, and one of those options is leaving the country. that's honest, right? do your best to get happier, try to drop the cancer sticks. you want to convey to all that you are becoming a more stable person. and try to send signals to your ex that are as consistent as possible.

i know you're fretting about all the things that are going wrong now, so take the energy you were/are using in being worried and throw it into something more positive.”

 

I MASB1X quoted the following:

“Remember to be patient, keep calm, and don’t get into any heated arguments. Always keep the conversations light and humorous. And don’t pressure him, just act like you have all the time in the world.”

 

Leigh you are not following our advice, and to top it off you are continually making the same type of mistakes.

 

For example:

 

Mistake (1)

 

You got upset that “D” didn’t respond immediately to your IM? Remember his pride is already hurt and the last thing he needs is to appear like a weak turkey running to you at your beacon call.

 

Act like a mature woman, give him time, and practice patience.

 

Mistake (2)

 

You sent “D” a negative response for not responding immediately to your IM. Your negative responses are only going to bring negative results. Remember to keep the conversations light and humorous.

 

Mistake (3)

 

You sent your parents back to L.A. to pick up your stuff from your apartment. You should be the one picking up your stuff. How else will you know what “D” wants, unless you see and talk to him face to face? In the process, you will be showing “D” that you are an independent woman who can take care of her own problems.

 

Mistake (4)

 

You are trying to communicate to “D” via your parents/his parents.

 

Don’t rely on your parents/his parents to talk to “D”. You should be getting all the facts straight out of the “Horses mouth”, and not from a second source.

 

Like we say in Texas, “Take the bull by the horns”, and quit wasting precious time and opportunities to personally discuss the issue with “D”. If you need, make a trip to L.A. to pick up some more of your items.

 

This will give you another opportunity to discuss the issue with “D”. You can ask him personally what he “Really” wants. Tell him that you are willing to put all differences aside, and want to work things out with him.

 

If he states that he wants to work things out, than keep your self in L.A. with him. If he says that he doesn’t know what he wants, then tell him in a nice and calm way that you will give him all the time in the world that he needs to decide on the matter. Then pack as much stuff as you can, and move on with your life. Trust me, if he really wants to get back with you, he’ll eventually come around to let you know about it.

 

 

Also remember that he’s going to be at your home town in a few weeks, so don’t blow it by running away or setting up more obstacles.

 

Be brave and good luck!!!

 

Sincerely,

MASB1x

[backinlife]

Hey all,

 

I read your advice to Leigh, and I also feel that it gets harder and harder for D to come back to her. But its certainly not her fault. She said she was ready to work thorugh this, he closed the door. Now his pride is hurt (and if he would look at the issue close enough, and he does have all the info needed for that, it is very clear that it doesn't have to do with him what she is going through, so no reason for hurt pride) and he can't do anything else than the rude things he is doing. Acknowledged. But what about Leigh's pride? This guy didn't fall for her cause she is the kind that lets herself being treated this way and stick around. And if he can't come back cause she started smoking again, well, or cause she freaked out in a really difficult situation of her life, well. I personally demand more from the guy i want to spend my life with. A forgiving, understandig guy, that has enough balls to get over his false pride. Just imagine you have kids... or something really depressing happens in your life... then you need someone who can give without instant getting back. Someone who can be above situations and can deal with stuff. I wouldn't want to be with a guy that is so mean. And after these things happened, truly lines are crossed. Leigh thinks it can be mended, but D is not even trying. And the way he makes her suffer now, without even telling her that he is sorry, but he needs this time, or anything to hold on to, that is rude and mean. I know that Leigh hurt him bigtime with proposing a break, but she reconsidered when she saw he was hurting.

 

Mistake (1)

 

You got upset that “D” didn’t respond immediately to your IM? Remember his pride is already hurt and the last thing he needs is to appear like a weak turkey running to you at your beacon call.

 

Act like a mature woman, give him time, and practice patience.

 

Mistake (2)

 

You sent “D” a negative response for not responding immediately to your IM. Your negative responses are only going to bring negative results. Remember to keep the conversations light and humorous.

 

I think the worst problem in existing relationships are power games. Meaning doing someting you don't feel to get someone do something you want. It is manipulative. Like not being available when you really want to, just to keep the other person interested. If there is real love, these games are unnecessary. And i think a breakup is no reason to start them either. She IMed him, he didn't respond. And he knows she is hurting, confused and down on the floor. Sure it made her hurt and angry. Why not say that? What kind of a person would she be to have light and nice conv with a guy that dumped her when she was down and depressed, made her move back to her family and doesn't even want to make it good again? It hurts! And if admitting that makes her chances smaller to get him back, well so be it!

 

 

Mistake (3)

 

You sent your parents back to L.A. to pick up your stuff from your apartment. You should be the one picking up your stuff. How else will you know what “D” wants, unless you see and talk to him face to face? In the process, you will be showing “D” that you are an independent woman who can take care of her own problems.

 

This guy showed her the door. Someone else in this forum (forgot who) said: How many times do they have to shoot at us till be understand we are getting shot? Why would she go through the pain to pick the stuff up, if he wanted to reconcile he doesn't have to wait till she comes back to pick stuff up, he could easily do that. And he knows she wanted that, so he is not even risking a fall. She on the other hand has a good chance he would reject her again, so why would she put herself in that position again? This guy can't even call her and ask how she is doing allthough he knows she is going through hell...

 

She made her decisions with him, he is not considering her right now, and that is a deal breaker for me. Why should she sit around in her hometown when he is there? To give him the opportunity to hurt her once again? If he had any intention to mend things, he would call her up and tell her he will be in town and wants to talk to her about getting back together. Anything below is too little.

 

And if she is ruining her chances now cause she doesn't pretend she is ok and has all the time in the world, then this is the truth. Cause she doesn't have all the time in the world, and she is not fine. She is crying. And the guy who should be her best friend and partner, the guy that was the most important person in her life, can't deal with it and doesn't comfort her. That is rude and cruel. If a friend of mine would be so cruel towards me i would not accept that, and from a partner, thats even more unacceptable. I know that the advice in this forum is mainly NC, don't whine to them, be strong, appear nonchalant and all, and i think NC can be great. But pretending I am ok, pretending that I want to have conversation about the weather and everything is mellow and rosy, that is a mere lie. If i am hurting like mad, crying, havbin bad dreams and rhink life is * * * *, then everybody who loves me has to listen to it and be able to take it. And who loves me will, and who doesn't will be put off. This will not be the last time in Leigh's life where things don't look that great. A partner who is really on her side can take that. Even if she is so insecure that she thinks she can't burden him with it and wants to leave.... real love is something else than what D is doing. And if she has to trick him back with telling him its all right and she is fine, what's the point? Net time there is a problem she will have to solve it again alone. A relationship for me suggests working through things together. And he is not ready for that.

 

I have to quote the movie " a lot like love": "Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love." If this guy can't get over himself for love then she can't force him. Maybe he will eventually settle for her, but what is the point? He hasn't fought, he puts no effort into this, he doesn't even try. The next time they have a problem he will do exactly the same, and then she is bound to fight it alone again. if this guy doesn't wake up soon he will have lost her. And he knows he is risking that right now, and still can't even tell her that he wants to try. Then he doesn't deserve it. He knows she is there waiting for him. I know she would come running if he would ask for it, but he doesn't, so why should she.

 

Sorry about my ranting... I am in a similar situation and i have an angry day again...

 

Mona

[Belle]

I will use the stray cat analogy.

 

Wow. I've rarely seen such a poor analysis of another person's situation. Probably because there is a personal bias in there somewhere keeping you from reading things correctly.

 

Leigh,

In a way, I do suspect that your initial withdrawl may have been motivated by wanting to punish him for not helping you land the job but that doesn't justify his treatment of you afterwards. Especially when you told him your fears and asked to work it out. You had to lay down your pride for that.

 

My situation wasn't terribly different from yours except that I'm in the role of your ex. I do understand his point of view to a certain degree. However, the first time my ex talked about moving away for a job, I was understanding and wished him well. I was hurt because he was selfish and a liar and didn't tell me to begin with but I didn't retaliate. By teh third time of him constantly coming back I lost my patience and I did ultimately tell him off and I told him to stay away from me. However, at no time did he tell me that he was afraid of not being able to support himself or discuss alternatives to leaving and trying to work it out. You did that and you should have no regrets. Your ex will, however.

[Leigh]

Leigh,

 

In other words, regardless of the condition you were in (do to the previous abusive relationship), "D" accepted you for who you were. He didn't place any blame on you for what had happened in the past. He gave you the benefit of the doubt, put his guard down, and opened up his heart to you. Then suddenly because of someone else's abuse towards you, you grew insecure. And in consequence, you reacted negatively and broke off the relationship.

 

"D" probably felt that you pulled the rug right out from underneath his feet. And unfortunately for him, he didn't see it coming and fell straight on his **s. This hurt his ego!!! In his eyes, he was side swiped with a cheap shot, and felt that he didn't deserve it. It was the other guys fault for the condition your in (insecure), not his.

 

Yes, I understand that he was frustrated at my inability to shake the insecurity.

 

So now "D" becomes extremely angry. He remembers the old adage, "All is fair in love and war", and decides to live by it. He retaliates with harsh words. He takes your words and reiterates them back to you with emphasis. I.E. You say, "I'm leaving and never coming back." He says, "Leave and NEVER come back!!!" This is a common reaction to someone who feels that they have been betrayed, so you should only take his words with a grain of salt. He too reacted in a self defense manner, and was speaking only out of anger.

 

He also continued with this talk after the actual break up, though. When I tried to tell him that I would take some time to get some help for my past issues he initially promised to keep the door open and be there for me when the time came. In the same conversation, however, he then followed up by telling me that I couldn't do this for him and that he didn't see a future for us. Despite all of the hope I've expressed on this site, it's those words that make me feel like he will never give me a chance to show him the confident woman that will emerge after this work is done.

 

Leigh I don't want to "chastise" you, but I think that unless you get your act together, you are going to kill your "last glimmer of hope". Do you know why? Because you are not following the suggestions of the people in this forum who are only trying to help you, not hurt you.

 

You really need to reread and memorize Jenny MCS's and Joyce 1412's last two posts.

 

Quote-Jenny MCS.

"I think you need to slow down and stop frantically planning your next escape. Decide what it is you want. If what you want is to repair this relationship, take some time and calmly talk/write to your ex about this. See if there is anything left that can be fixed. Once that has been figured out, start thinking about the next stage of your life. Find something you can work towards, rather than basing your decisions on what you are running away from. Good luck."

 

Quote-Joyce 1412

"i'd suggest taking away the roadblocks that are between you. for example, you really AREN'T SURE you want to leave the country, are you? so just say that you're leaving your career options open, and one of those options is leaving the country. that's honest, right? do your best to get happier, try to drop the cancer sticks. you want to convey to all that you are becoming a more stable person. and try to send signals to your ex that are as consistent as possible.

i know you're fretting about all the things that are going wrong now, so take the energy you were/are using in being worried and throw it into something more positive."

 

I MASB1X quoted the following:

"Remember to be patient, keep calm, and don't get into any heated arguments. Always keep the conversations light and humorous. And don't pressure him, just act like you have all the time in the world."

 

Yes, I've appreciated all of the advice that has been offered to me on this site. I know I faltered with the IM conversation last week. There is no taking that back no and I've since gone into NC. I feel like there may be no way to reconcile this situation anymore.

 

Leigh you are not following our advice, and to top it off you are continually making the same type of mistakes.

 

For example:

 

Mistake (3)

 

You sent your parents back to L.A. to pick up your stuff from your apartment. You should be the one picking up your stuff. How else will you know what "D" wants, unless you see and talk to him face to face? In the process, you will be showing "D" that you are an independent woman who can take care of her own problems.

 

The thing is, I needed to get my portfolio CDs (which they never found) and my parents were going to be in LA for the long weekend anyway. I'm all the way in Canada now, so economically, it's very difficult for me to go back to LA to deal with my things. Again, I feel like there is not much hope anyway. I also thought "D" would feel better if he didn't have to see me. I thought this would have been something he would have appreciated.. for all I know he may see it as a blessing that he doesn't have to deal with seeing me. The only thing that throws me off is he had 2 weeks notice that they would be coming to the apartment. All he packed up for me were my clothes and some books. My step-mother told me that all of my decorations etc. were all still up. Furniture I can understand him holding onto, but I'm confused as to why he didn't pack as many of my things up to be taken away as possible. Maybe he just couldn't be bothered...

 

My step-mother also brought up the return of the furniture (which I specifically asked her NOT to discuss and for that matter I'm very upset with her for discussing our relationship at all with "D")... "D" questioned why the furniture was being moved and said something like "Why bother moving all of this back to Canada? I thought with the way Leigh is talking about moving around that furniture would just be a liability?" To which my step-mother answered that my mother wanted the use of some of the items if I were going to be away.

 

Mistake (4)

 

You are trying to communicate to "D" via your parents/his parents.

 

Don't rely on your parents/his parents to talk to "D". You should be getting all the facts straight out of the "Horses mouth", and not from a second source.

 

Like we say in Texas, "Take the bull by the horns", and quit wasting precious time and opportunities to personally discuss the issue with "D". If you need, make a trip to L.A. to pick up some more of your items.

 

This will give you another opportunity to discuss the issue with "D". You can ask him personally what he "Really" wants. Tell him that you are willing to put all differences aside, and want to work things out with him.

 

Well, D goes on a business trip this weekend, and he will be arriving in my home town next weekend. I'm really dreading it. I know my heart will rip to shreds all over again because I really believe he will avoid seeing me for the month he's here.

 

Trust me, if he really wants to get back with you, he'll eventually come around to let you know about it.

 

Additional information was given to me about his conversation with my step-mother the other day. Apparently he also stated that he felt with all of our friends getting engaged that I was going to want that same kind of commitment soon and that "He's not looking to settle down anytime soon."

 

I had heard him say that during the relationship - he had always given me a 5-year timeframe so these words do not shock me. I just have to question why he felt the need to reitterate that to my step-mother. I really think things are over.

 

Also remember that he's going to be at your home town in a few weeks, so don't blow it by running away or setting up more obstacles.

 

There is no way for me to blow it now that I've gone NC. I'm almost 100% positive that he will not be contacting me, and I guess it's time that I tried to walk away from all of this.

 

Day 6 of NC now. He hasn't made any attempt to contact me either. I think it's pretty clear that it's time for me to move on.

 

Thanks for the advice MASB1X.

 

Take Care,

L.

[Leigh]

Me too... I didn't expect that he would turn his back on me completely. He and I were best friends for a year before we ever got together... it was a LDR, but he did manage to come home from the Caribbean and see me the summer after I left the abusive ex. He saw what I had been through. I thought if anyone could understand the severity of what I had experienced, it would be him. I think that's why i'm feeling so betrayed now... he knows what I had tried to overcome and though we aren't together, he refuses to be kind to me now, when I need him more than ever.

 

 

 

He has always dealt with things on his own... his way of dealing with things is to shut down and be alone. I respected that this was how he dealt with problems in his life, but he didn't respect that my needs were different. I wanted him to be there to talk to when things felt bleak. He was unwilling to understand.

 

 

 

I don't think he cares to mend things at all. Whenever we discussed his past relationships (there was only one other serious one 6 years ago) it was always something wrong with the woman. She was this or that... not the relationship had this problem, or "I" had this problem...always someone else to blame. I guess somewhere I hoped that he would take this time to finally realize that HE also has played a role in things... and that he also has work to do as well.

 

 

 

 

Right, this is how I feel. Even though I know I screwed up by reacting as I did, under the circumstances (knowing what i'm coping with) is it REALLY so much to ask that he be a tiny bit sensitive to me right now?

 

 

 

 

Exactly. What good does it do for me to go back to LA just to have to look him in the face while he rejects me. If he wanted me back, he had many ways of going about it. I think he is unwilling to do ANY work to fix this... perhaps if I go to him he's willing to get over his pride because HE didn't have to go out of his way... but I see no point in taking that risk right now. I am much to fragile to face that place (and him) again anytime soon.

 

 

 

Yes, and because we have both moved around so much we have both lost touch with many of our friends. The ones we still know are now settled down. We only have a few friends left in our home town that are close to us and they happen to be mutual. I really think I'm going to board myself up for the month of July. I can't bear the thought of running into him and having him be cold towards me in front of people we know.

 

 

 

This is very true. I don't believe he has had enough relationship experience to realize that relationships take work and compromise. He was rarely ever willing to do either.

 

 

 

That's a great quote, Mona. I believe in swallowing pride for love...always. A good friend of mine also had something similar to say about this:

"Your DESIRE to be with someone must transcend your FEAR of losing face." Anything less than that is just not good enough.

 

I say, love is intangible. It's a gift. To discard it when it still exists based on ego is truly a tragedy. There is no telling when or if it will ever come again... so it's only doing it justice to fight for it while it's still alive. I just can't fight for it on my own. Not anymore.

 

 

 

Sorry to hear you're having an angry day, Mona. Thanks for the kind words as always, hun.

 

L.