How Best To Proceed?

[Jonne]

Hi everyone. I think I know what the answer to the above question is going to be, but I thought I'd seek some advice anyway.

 

At the end of June it would have been 3 years that my girlfriend and I were together. We were deeply in love and both thought we would get married and be together for ever. Mid April she moved out and then dumped me a week later, saying that she doesn't love me like a girlfriend should. I didn't make any kind of fuss at the time, and didn't show any signs of being upset.

 

I didn't contact her for 2 weeks, and then I did and we met up for coffee after the 3rd week. I told her that I wanted her back. She said no, she doesn't love me anymore. She said it was nothing I did, we just drifted apart. She said that she still wanted to be friends though, as she still liked me.

 

Drifting apart is true. I was lazy, selfish and anti social. She'd got a new job about 6 months back and had been spending more and more time going out with work colleagues and students (she teaches English to foreigners). Being the anti-social fool I was I never joined them. I'm a web designer trying to get into the industry, so I spent all my time sitting at home fiddling with building websites, playing games, chatting online to friends etc etc. Basically we never really did anything together for a long while. I've also been unemployed for ages, and I still expected her to come home after work and cook me dinner. I used the excuse that she's a vegetarian and a picky eater so anything I cook she'd probably not like. That was a load of rubbish, but I think I believed it at the time. Sitting at home doing nothing has also not been good for my health. Since we got together 3 years ago I have put on 6 stone of weight (~85lbs). Not good.

 

I think it's clear that my behaviour was what caused the breakup. Maybe she genuinely doesn't think it was me, but even so I think her loss of feelings for me was down to how I acted.

 

Anyway, I've realized that I was total jerk, and my behaviour was completely wrong. I've started exercising regularly, I've got myself a very well paying job in my field, and I'm getting my own place (I forgot to mention that we did live with my mother since last October - also not very condusive to a good relationship).

 

So I've changed for the better. I'm being a better person and I like where I'm headed.

 

 

I found out this week that she's got a new boyfriend. It's been 2 months since we split. I was a little upset to say the least. After some emotional phonecalls and an angry email (the wrong thing to do, I know!) she agreed to come see me and talk about things. She says that she's been seeing him for a month, and that she was never with him while we were together, and she had no feelings for this guy while we were together and that he had nothing to do with our breakup. She admitted to me that she's not sure if she loves this new guy, that she certainly doesn't feel about him how she felt for me, that he probably is just a rebound guy and that knowing that she always gets bored of new things quickly she might get bored of him. She also said that she's still physically and sexually attracted to me (Oh, and the sex with him is nowhere near as good as it was with me). But she still says that she doesn't love me anymore, and that that's not going to change.

 

The thing is, this is a lot like how things started out with us. When we first met she was physically attracted to me, but we were just friends. I've loved her since the very beginning, and I proved that to her, romanced her, and she fell in love with me.

 

I still love her completely and want her back. Based on how some things happened while she was here (nothing inappropriate) I think that she still has some very strong feelings for me. Maybe she's scared of the same old things happening again, maybe not. Who knows? Regardless, I honestly believe that we're meant to be together (but I guess everyone says that).

 

She still wants to be my friend. Not best friends like we have been for the past 3 and a half years, but still friends. I was friends with her while in love with her for a long time before we got together, so I imagine that I can do it again if I have to. But I'd much prefer to bypass all that and get her back. I know that if given the chance she will fall for me again.

 

 

How should I proceed with this? Try and be friends and let things unfold as and when they do? Go all out to be the guy she fell in love with and show her how awesome life is with me? Total NC no matter how hard it is? What to do!?

 

I bought her a necklace over the weekend. I'm sure she'll love it. It hadn't arrived when I met her, but I told her that I'd bought her a gift. She says that it's ok to give it to her. Should I?

 

Thanks for any advice.

[Scottdiddy]

Personally, I wouldnt give her the necklace, that much is for certain. And dont even try with her until she is out of her new relationship, she needs to be over that one first before she's ready to give you a chance again.

[Mavh25]

i dont understand the question, you know why she broke up with you... you listed the reasons that she probably didnt even mention

[Daddy Bear]

start chipping away at that extra six stone. she may have been too polite to mention it, but weight gain commonly has a negative effect in a relationship. keep in mind, though, that when someone says she doesn't love you any more and that will never change, you need to be prepared for that to be true.

 

i feel for you, and i do hope you get her back. good luck.

[Bethany]

Me personally, I would send her the necklace with a short note inside saying that seeing that she now has a new BF, you really don't think that it's fair on you to stay friends as deep down you don't want or need a friend, you need a GF. And staying friends with her will only lead to stopping you from moving on and finding a new GF of your own.

Then I would wish her luck for the future etc and I would cut all contact and start making a new life for myself without her.

 

If you don't, nothing will change and you will remain just friends with her for a very long time as she will not feel your loss or miss you, which means she will not get back with you..EVER.

 

It's not looking good I'm afraid, but I feel that this could be your only chance to 'wake' her up. Good Luck.

[jchan]

Good news and bad news for you man,

 

Bad news, she's with someone else, and from your past performance, there's the likelihood that the new guy will have the upper hand in this case. I'm sorry that you'll have to deal with this drama. Trust me, been there, done that. It's no fun, but you gotta remember it's up to you to create your own personal hell. Help yourself. Cut contact with her, if possible refund the gift, get her something smaller. She's not your girlfriend. It's also best advised not to be friends. It's going to take a toll on you if you do. Give her the gift of missing you. Do nothing - it's the least you can do (excuse the pun).

 

 

On the bright side you've managed to figure out what went wrong without her having to say it. Now you gotta change it. Continue to improve yourself:

 

1) lose the weight go to the gym

2) cut down computer time, don't be an armchair athlete/ desktop jockey. Huge turn off for women. Trust me on this. Too much time at home in front of the compy neglects your social, health, financial, etc. needs

3) go out there and meet new people, you'll be amazed at how things will change when you have fun.

4) learn something new. e.g. cooking, dance, whatever to keep yourself preoccupied, and at the same time allowing you to develop into a better dude

 

Keep the above up, and you'll improve yourself and move on, or might even win her back. But for the time being. Focus on YOU.

 

Stay strong man.

[Jonne]

Thanks for the kind words guys. I suppose I knew no contact was the best course of action. I know that she'll want me back eventually, which is both a good and a bad thing I guess.

 

I'm starting my new job on Monday, I'm going to be moving in with some friends soon, I'm already well into losing the weight, I have intentions to learn some foreign languages, learn some dancing, continue improving myself, so fingers crossed there'll be plenty of stuff to occupy my time. I do realise that when keeping busy keeps my mind off of her, so that's good.

 

Nezt very important step: We lived here together, and when she moved out she moved back into her parents, so I still have A LOT of her stuff here which is a constant reminder of our relationship. I'm going to need to get rid of it pronto so that I can live my life without the reminders. That will also give me the chance to say that that's it, I'm moving ahead and that I'm not going to be this pathetic dumpee begging to back together anymore.

[heloladies21]

The reasons you give aren't the real reasons why she left. It wasn't the hours in front of the computer or your lack of a job or even your physical. She simply got bored emotionally. There guys out there in much worse physical shape, have no job prospects for the future, and will actually treat their girl much worse than you did, and their girls are totally into them and will never leave.

 

At least part of the solution is creating more drama, and that means getting jealous, upset, and sticking up for yourself when appropriate. Sometimes it's even good to start some drama even when there's nothing really behind it. It has to do with how the emotional lows make the highs seem higher and this kind of rollercoaster is very attractive to lots of girls. It also shows them that you really care about them and it's necessary to keep them around.

 

I'm just saying this stuff so you have something to think about for your relationships down the road. But in your case for now, your plan of NC is right.

[jenny_mcs]

Jonne-

 

I think you have a great plan in place.

 

I have to disagree with heloladies, I think the reasons Jonne outlined are exactlly the reasons his g/f lost interest- I have seen it happen many times. People stop caring about their personal appearance, stop being social, spend all their time in front of a computer or a tv- these are relationship killers.

 

I also have to disagree with heloladies advice to create this false drama and some kind of emotional rollercoaster to keep a g/f interested- any woman who is self-confident, happy, intelligent, and mature would run for the hills at that kind of behavior.

[rnorth]

Jonne, you need to do some serious work on yourself. Invest in yourself; get a job, start exercising, make some new friends, find a hobby - all for YOURSELF. Maybe she will notice, maybe she won't. But you will at least improve your situation.