Do I let go with NC or try again with friendship?

[JustaGirl31]

Hello. I have been reading a lot of threads on here - and the advice seems good. My story is long, so I apologize in advance and would love people's feedback.

Here are the details: Knew this guy for 2 years. We both ended relationships with other people at same time and became FWB for about 6 months. We then stopped the benefits part b/c we both knew there wasn't a future together and I was getting too emotional. The last 6 months we became very close friends (talking for hours each day, hanging out about 2 -3 times per week). He had told me previously he didn't want anything with me because of different reasons, the main one being we are from 2 different cultures. He has know the whole time that I'm crazy about him, though.

 

A month and half ago - I propose something to him - that we date for the summer because he is moving in August to a different state and I am also looking to relocate (to another state). We talked about it for hours - agreed there was mutual attraction and friendship- he was hestitant b/c of the feelings that are involved and didn't know what would happen if one of us feel in love with the other, etc. and there were emotional risks. I told him I didn't want a bf/gf relationship - but didn't want the FWB either. I told him to think about it before telling me what he wanted b/c I had already thought about it. The next day - we email back and forth - and he is very defensive about everything and really rude to me- and saying he would maybe take a chance - but it wouldn't go the way I wanted it to go. I got angry b/c of these emails and how condenseding he was towards me. I don't call that night, and send a follow up email the next day explaining what I want - and if he didn't want this summer romance with me, I would drop it and we could move on.

Ok - never heard from him again. He never called, never emailed, or anything. I also didn't call - feeling it was his place to call me b/c I wanted him to make the decision on his own without feeling pressure from me. This was 7 weeks ago. I have wanted to call every day - but have resisted.

 

This past weekend - I run into him at a club. I went up to him, said hello and gave him a hug (that was very awkard). We talked briefly (for about 3 secnds) and I left. He wouldn't even hardly look at me - looked really scared of me and so guilty.

Okay - here's where I want advice. I really miss his friendship. Obviously he didn't want to take up my suggestion - which is okay - but i hate that he never responded. I take my responsibility in why things went sour and want him to know that i didn't mean to compromise our friendship. I feel really bad about suggesting the situation - and not trusting life to take it's natural course.

 

Should I just let this go all together - or would it okay for me to call or email him? I don't want to be as close friends like we were - it was too confusing. I just want to know him as a friend again. There are a details I"m leaving out b/c it's such a long, involved story! But - he is in his late 20's and I'm in my early 30's.

[melrich]

I think you should let it go for now. He has given you some pretty clear signals and I think he is doing the right thing, he knows he is not going to commit to you and is wary that your feelings will get too deep.

[Aueft]

I say no contact.

 

You two were already friends and you're crazy about him. I guarantee to you- that if you become friends again then the same thing will happen again, and this time seperating will be even harder (When you move states and whatnot). The longer you go without talking to him, the easier it will get. If you drag the "friendship" out, well- I digress, friendship isn't the right term, because friendship is -not- possible with him knowing that you like him, and you liking him; or the other way around. Letting him go is the most safe choice emotionally.

[JustaGirl31]

Thanks for your responses. I know that no contact is probably the right thing to do. It's very difficult to let go of people you deeply care about. It was easier the first month of NC because I was blaming him b/c he never responded and b/c I know there was something real between us and he wasn't willing to take the chance with us. Now - I am looking at myself and how I didn't handle the situation the best either and I want to explain myself to him. It's difficult to leave things unresolved....

[Aueft]

True- but really, if you -do- get that resolution and conclusion you're looking for, being his "friend" and still containing those feelings you have is even -harder- than what you're facing right now.

[here2understand2]

I think you guys have shared quite a bit over the years and in different forms of relationship..there exists a bond to which both of you relate to..I think he's scared that he might end up falling in love with you if you two were to have your little summer romance and might hurt him too much after you move away...thats why the guilty look in his eyes and him being afraid to see you much..I'd say you guys need to have a talk..and I think a small talk would do the trick..because you suggested the little summer romance thing which led to things going sour, I think you should be the one initiating this talk

 

I see you guys as the best of friends and the only thing apart from that you guys can have now is a long term thing..you;ve just become too close for even a short term or FWB kinda relationship....with you two moving to different states and different lives..the long term seems a difficult option..but then why ruin a perfectly fine emotionally satisfying friendship for dating? So I'd say go ahead and let him know what you think and arrange a small friendly chat..hope this helps! good luck!

 

Also, try and look at the situation as if you're whole life has past you by and you're looking back at things you did and didnt do in your lifetime..maybe that'll change your perspective..you know what I mean?

[JustaGirl31]

Thanks for the input, here2understand2. I think I'm going to contact him...just not yet. I want to make sure I'm emotionally prepared to have him not respond at all (not answer, not call back, etc).

 

He and I did have an unique bond and I regret bringing dating into the picture again because we already went down that road and he's a very guarded person. He basically told me we could have a physical relationship or emotional relationship - but not both. But - if there was a true bond and real feelings there - I believe our friendship will be able to handle the distance we're now in and maybe reuinte with a friendship down the road.

 

As far as looking at my life in hindsight - I always thought he would be someone I knew in my life as a friend - with times of closeness and apart. He used to feel the same way.