My girlfriend keeps thinking about her ex and thinks we should "Just be friends"

[johnranz]

okay. well i was seeing this girl for about three months right after i met her. We bonded like no other, talked all night every night we were together. she was so happy, you have no idea. im pretty sure she was falling for me...one time she even said "aww...im too attached" when she asked if she could seem me the next day. anyways, we then dated for a month and everything was the same, talked every day...she lived 2 hrs away by the way, but she'd be back for summer so i thought id give it a try. it was amazing. she was the best girlfriend ever. then she started not calling me for weeks and i was confused.

 

but then she'd call me when she could see me and everything would be the same but she had been going through a hard time with a relative dying...and apparently she recently told me she'd been thinking about her ex boyfriend a lot and its been killing her, there had been 2 months of her not calling and all that, now she told me this and thinks we should "just be friends" because i friendship is all she can handle right now. her phones taken away and i cant talk to her which sucks but i only catch her on IM every once in a while. i cant see her because shes grounded...she came back home from college for the summer. she wont be ungrounded for a while and with all the thoughts of her ex, i dont think she knows how she feels about me or what she'll feel after this is over.

 

 

this is the most perfect girl ive ever met and i do not want to lose her. i know we cant be together until she deals with this and gets her ex out of her mind and moves on, but how do i know if she'll still want me after this is out of her head, how do i assure that she will. I know she needs time and not a boyfriend right now. so im going to do my own thing and hang out with other girls and stuff...and be her friend. id told her im here any time at all if she needs to talk to someone. should i not try to see her? it didnt seem like i was a rebound because of how happy she was and how she felt and how much she talked to me and everything she told me. plus she knows theres no way she can get back with him and that hurts. he hurt her then she hurt him then she broke up with him. i know she feels a lot of guilt and a lot of pain and i want to help.

 

 

should i try to help her? should i not answer for a day or two if she calls? what should i do? i like her and she likes me but how do i get this to continue after she's over her ex? what do i have to do for her now? she wants me to do my own thing, is this gonna make her feel jealous or like she lost me or something...could this help the situation? does anyone have any advice...ESPECIALLY WOMEN??? i think i need a little guidance here about how womens' minds work in this situation. im almost positive this girl is the right one for me so i dont want to screw this up.

 

Thank you for any help you can give.

[caro33]

I know this sounds tough but the least contact the best. I'm not saying be rude, you can show you are there for her if she needs you, but also get on with your own life (or pretend to to start with and see if it takes ).

 

It is possible that while she feels something for you, she just isn't that into you. Or maybe she's borderline. If so, anything you do that might look over-eager or uncool, even if you rationalise it as 'just showing you care', believe me, it will turn her off. You cannot make her interested, either she is or she isn't. She knows where to find you. If she doesn't get in contact she doesn't want to.

 

I am not advocating game playing. By all means answer your phone if you want to, sound pleased to hear from her if you are. But try to curb any statements that make you look in any way that you will hang around indefinitely. Try not to call. Pretend to yourself she is someone else - pick a friend from a few years ago, someone you have warm feelings for but don't really think about unless they're in front of you or call you. If you wouldn't behave a certain way with that person, then don't behave that way with her.

 

I know this might not register with you right now, but you deserve someone who is truly into you.

 

Hope this helps. It's an awful way to feel, so many of us have been there. But hang in there, I guarantee it will get easier if you are kind to yourself and let some time pass.

[dzadze]

she's not ready to date again, its human nature, its psycology that you cannot forget someone. You're girl friend will see and hear things that trigger images of her ex in her mind. Your job is to make her have a good time,

 

"one cannot forget the ex if the next is not better"

[johnranz]

I will take your advice. but she used to be so into me, it seemed almost like she was in love already, just about. then theses "ex" feelings came up because she had never grieved before. moving on and avoiding contact is the best way to get her back though if shes ready isnt it? how much should i be there for her though? if she wants to talk out her problems with me or something and calls me, what do i do? its hard to care yet pretend not to.

[stolenshadow]

I will take your advice. but she used to be so into me, it seemed almost like she was in love already, just about. then theses "ex" feelings came up because she had never grieved before.

 

That is the point, she rebounded with you, that's why it went so fast, she grew attached to you within a very short amount of time, it wasn't normal, it wasn't a good thing, she was dependent on the ex and when that ended she rushed to became dependent on you.

 

 

moving on and avoiding contact is the best way to get her back though if shes ready isnt it? how much should i be there for her though? if she wants to talk out her problems with me or something and calls me, what do i do? its hard to care yet pretend not to.

 

I don't know why you want a relationship with a person who is not emotionally stable but in any case yes, NC is the best you can do.

If you want to continue being the rebound (person she depends on emotionally) it's up to you, the reason to stop taking calls from ex's is not because people stop caring, it's because they care about themseleves and don't want to be strung along/used more.

[WantToBeLuved]

I'm in a semi-similar situation as johnranz. I've started NC about 2 weeks ago. She still contacts me though. She usually IMs 2 or 3 times a week and calls once or so on the weekend. Should I talk to her when she contacts me or don't answer? I've answered a few times last week but, no needy, mushy talk. No talk of hanging out, seeing each other or anything like that. Just small "How was your week" and "How you been" talk. She's had issues with people leaving her and walking out of her life and I don't want to be one of those people, but she needs to heal and I need to not get attached to someone thats not ready yet....

[caro33]

I know it's hard but I think the only rule is really to shift your perspective from what the other person needs to what YOU need. Stop trying to second guess what will make the other person love you. It sounds trite but the best way to have them truly *see* you is to be true to yourself and act with self-respect. Treat them with respect also, but if you don't think you're in the best position to have an unemotional chat, then don't take the call. Take the call when you want to, offer the help if you are up to it and you don't think you're being exploited. There's no 'rule' on when to engage and when to pull away, go with what you feel like. But anything that feels wrong usually is.

 

And I know I am harping on the issue from my last post but if the person you are into needs to go through all sorts of processes before they are 'ready' for you, perhaps the reality is that you are just not doing it enough for them. Sorry. Think about the last time you were screwed up and felt bad - if you met the 'perfect' (or perfect enough) person would you push them away and risk losing them? Some people do, but I'm sure only a small percentage of the people who 'aren't ready for a relationship right now' are being honest with themselves/the other person. At some point you will find someone who loves you and where being with each other is EASY and where the relationship is not so fragile. You will look back on time spent pining for somebody who basically didn't have time for you as a real waste of your emotional effort.

 

And you know what, taking this perspective helps heal you AS WELL as making you ultimately more attractive to that confused person you desire. Hopefully by the time they come around to the fact that you do it for them you will have moved on.