Dreaming of ex, needing to find alignment with the now bf

[itsallgrand]

Tis long. Thanks in advance if you read it.

 

For a while now I have been having dreams about an old ex. He was my first love. It is like a painting of a lot of things that have been sifting through me. Old stuff. What do you think of all this?

 

In the dreams, it started out with us finding each other again. I was me - the age I am now, and he had aged appropriately too. We spent time together in the dreams, and we resolved old wounds and conflicts. Things as they are were there. All peachy. Last night the dream had us in love and deciding to get married. It was all so perfect but believable: the setting was where I most love, my dream home we looked at, we spoke of all the details of when we would have children and who would work what hours. The details were intense. It wasn't 'glossy'. It was like it could be in real life - messiness and just so real.

 

I wake up feeling good. I have no desire to be with this ex. But it really has me feeling and mulling......

 

In my early twenties, I was deeply in love with him. He loved me fiercely too. It's one of those things there is no doubt about. We were crazy in love. We lived together, we spent years as a couple, we had planned out a life together. We were going to get married and have a family. We even looked at rings. I was truly convinced that he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was excelling in many aspects of my life and I felt great. I was on path.

 

It became one of those fork in the road moments: big decisions were being made, and we parted with a lot of pain on both sides.

 

I haven't seen him in years now. I have no idea what his life is like. I hope it's good. That's about what I feel now. Just want him to be happy.

 

....................................

 

I used to believe that I would get married and have children by this time in my life. Where I am now came as a surprise to me. And, I think I have been living in denial for a long time there. Is it possible that all these years I have been mourning and holding my heart down? Scared to see? 'Cause these years have been crazy. I have not been 'myself'. I have been all over.

 

I feel different. I remember why I wanted all those things, what seems so long ago now. I remember and it seems so true and right. Yes, I do want just one love. Yes, I want the home and hubby. Yes, I want these things. I want children. I want my career to take this - path. I want ....a lot of things I didn't want to admit.

 

..................................

 

All of this leads me to my present situation. I have been on my own, with time to do as I choose, my friends, my privacy, my work, and not having to share with anyone when I don't feel like it. I have gotten used to it. I have gotten used to being alone. With the bf: used to do this all the time. Things change...it's uncomfy...but it all comes for a reason...

 

See, I do have a bf, but it's f-ed. It's f-ed bc of so many things. The base is good; the details are f-ed. He is currently pissed at me for not spending enough time with him. Not calling enough. Lots of things and I can not blame him.

I know how he feels about me. And I know I do not show him nearly what he needs or deserves. And it makes me ashamed. It makes me unhappy to think that I am not being as loving and good as I can be. He is not seeing the best me. Well, no one has been, not even me. But little does that help him or soften how I have acted.

 

Here's the thing: I do love him. I don't feel I am in love with him right this minute. It's all very complicated. Some days I feel so right. Other days, I see problems and more problems.

 

Okay guys...I trust a lot of you here...I need him right now. He is my best friend. And I love being his best friend. Needs change. Right now I know how bad it would be for me to stop this. I also know how bad it would be for him to hear "I do not see a future with us the way you do". I can see a future: it's not like he ever imagined, it's not like I ever imagined. I have no clue what he will think of it. No clue what shall happen. I do know I need share all this with him.

 

I swerved off the true road. I have been very confused. Not knowing what I wanted.

 

Now that I know - and it is in so many ways that it is an entire change of graph - I feel that I have a lot of collateral damage to deal with. With him. With my work and friends and relationships. Practically every level that is important.

 

Here's where I really need you all, if you can.

How does one even begin to explain all this to a person who will be leaving for a month in the next few weeks anyways? To a person who wants to see this work into the big deal, the life together, the everything? All of this is HUGE to me, big stuff that needs time to explore and talk about. This time; I really don't want him to leave. I really don't want to miss him and all the waiting and not seeing each other and not being able to share with each other. Yes, I know I am not taking total advantage of time now, these weeks, but goddam it - I am scared.

 

I have made mistakes that are very large. Certain things are crystal clear. If I continue this, with him, it will be a lot of work to make us both as happy as we both deserve to be. It's practical things - it's lifestyle, it's place of thought, it's place of heart. No matter what; dam we got a lot of catching up to do.

 

any advice is welcome. thank you for reading this incredibly long post.

 

 

[nottoogreen]

Hi itsallgrand,

 

Here are lot's of people which know you longer and better than I.

 

Just some impressions

You are not in love with your bf.

 

You do not want your ex.

 

You are not in love with your ex.

 

Part of you holds on to a dream long gone. (aka ideal scenario)

 

You have some deep regrets about the past.

 

Me thinks there is more inside you waiting to come out.

 

Some questions

Is your bf in love with you?

 

Could you sort of spit out all of the past that bothers you to get it of your chest?

[aymee_lee]

I am confused. And after reading your posts I can see that you are too. Are you asking for advice on how you should tell your boyfriend that you don't know that you want a future with him? Is that what you are saying? Or are you saying that you do want a future with him but you need time?

 

I am sorry if I am being ignorant, I have read your post a couple of times but I'm still not sure, but would like to help if I could

[itsallgrand]

Eh, thanks. I didn't know if this muddled post would even get a reply.

 

My bf says he is in love with me. The man has some deep feelings for me, of that I am sure. He'd drain the sea if I asked him to.

But...

He doesn't have a good past with relationships. This is the longest and most commited he has ever been to anyone. And he slept with someone else in feb. That's how I first came posting here.

 

Sometimes I feel like such a moron. An idiot when it comes to love.

 

Yes, I have some deep regrets about the past. I regret time wasted. I regret bouncing around from man to man and acting a fool. I regret how the old ex and I parted. It dashed me pretty hard. It left on such a painful note. That which I most wanted: turned to disaster in the end. I got cynical. I used to be so fresh and vibrant.

 

I have so many thoughts running through my head. I don't feel good - about myself - too many parts of my life I have turned to squalor. I can't change what i've done. I can work at these things now; but it's taking time to build back my old confidence and feelings of competence in the world. I really let myself down hard.

 

So, I'm always feeling like I'm confused. I want one thing - and feel like I can't give enough, or be enough.

It makes me question if this relationship I have right now is all bunk and I am not seeing clearly. I feel like I can't make any right decisions. And I just don't want to screw up. So I keep trying to figure it out.

 

does any of this make sense?

 

I want him in my life - and I don't - bc I don't think I can treat him right.

At least not now.

And I told him that. I don't understand: he says it is alright. Yet he keeps expecting more.

 

??

 

what do I do now. geez.

[nottoogreen]

Here is another simpler thread about dwelling on the past which may be of interest:

 

What do you think of that?

 

I think once your worries are out, and you realize the the past is over, you can redirect energy from the past into the future and approach the future (including your bf) positively and optimisticaly.

[itsallgrand]

Hmm. Is that what this is? I'm living in the past?! shiiiii*y.....

 

Okay. Thank you Nottoogreen. I'll try that. You might be right.

 

DingDingDing. A light bulb just went off. You nailed something there. Really, thank you so much. Now I know what I have to do.

[trash mail]

Why is it so hard for you to let you bf in?

y is it so hard to know if you are in love with him?

do u know if you want him in you life? or do you really not know?

Do you not want your boyfriend to be wtih you through this?

 

These are the question i want to know.

[itsallgrand]

Those are tough questions. Tough but good.

 

Do you not want your boyfriend to be wtih you through this?

 

This is the one I have the most clarity about. No. I don't want him to be with me through it. I want to protect him. I want to protect him from me.

 

I don't trust myself right now. I know what it feels like - schism, the seperation I do. Holy mary! My ex. This is exactly what he did. I am doing what was done to me. He blocked me out at the crucial time - to protect me.

 

This is crazy.

 

Why is it so hard for you to let you bf in?

y is it so hard to know if you are in love with him?

do u know if you want him in you life? or do you really not know?

 

It's hard to let him in bc I don't want to get hurt. I don't want him to see all of me either....

which brings me to....not knowing if I am in love with him....

Because being in love with someone means being exposed, being known, and sometimes being vulnerable......

 

I want him in my life. I don't know if it is right or good for both of us though.

 

It all comes down to having a defence up. Not being totally real. I see why now.

 

thanks.

[itsallgrand]

I'm so glad I wrote this post. Nottoogreen, you were right on. I wanted to give another round of thanks to you.

 

I also appreciate the intelligent questions, trash mail. I have been letting them sit.

 

Bit of an update: I've been writing down a bunch of my worries. Writing and writing and writing. I started back into my old habit of taking long walks. So many things come to me when I am walking - nothing beats it. And it breaks up some of the stress.

 

It's amazing what a backlog of emotions and worries I have crammed inside. I am determined now to bust through this. The depression, the insecurity, the jerkiness and indecision....it all stems from Old Past issues I have been afraid to look at.

 

You do a certain amount of work on yourself, go through some heavy times, go to therapy even when you swore ya never would (ha!) and so figure that the past must be dealt with now, right? Hasn't been so.

 

A square solid look at myself and where I am truly at is what is called for. I feel a little better already. A little bit of space opens up every day. Even from first posting at enotalone, I am improving.

 

I spent some time with the bf and voiced a few things. I made an effort to show him and express my affection towards him. I don't know how it will all work out. I know I have a lot of built up feelings and issues I need to deal with. For one: I sensed that I feel insecure. And that puts a hold on moving forward, truly. But I'm trying. Another thing I noticed is how poor of a gf I have been. Not so great. And I need to let go of my guilt about that. And we need to one way or another work through it. Together; bc I'm not leaving. Not now. I'll give it my all first...and what is right will reveal itself and happen.

 

.......The past can be a beastly thing. Blinding up to the present. It's all about perspective, ain't it.....

[nottoogreen]

I'm so glad I wrote this post. Nottoogreen, you were right on. I wanted to give another round of thanks to you.

Please do not thank me, please thank ENA. Please have a look what I got from ENA already:

...Bit of an update: I've been writing down a bunch of my worries. Writing and writing and writing. I started back into my old habit of taking long walks. So many things come to me when I am walking - nothing beats it. And it breaks up some of the stress.

Writing here is best, someone will read it! , walking, swimming is great to think things over.

It's amazing what a backlog of emotions and worries I have crammed inside. I am determined now to bust through this. The depression, the insecurity, the jerkiness and indecision....it all stems from Old Past issues I have been afraid to look at.

Been there. Ultimate surpression. It's perfect masochism, IOW, many of us are masochistic perfectionalists. But we can learn, given some poking and time.

You do a certain amount of work on yourself, go through some heavy times, go to therapy even when you swore ya never would (ha!) and so figure that the past must be dealt with now, right? Hasn't been so.

Heavy times who has them?, I have never been to therapy, at best google is my therapist. Seriously, it is good you go to a therapist, it saves time too.

A square solid look at myself and where I am truly at is what is called for. I feel a little better already. A little bit of space opens up every day. Even from first posting at enotalone, I am improving.

You are improving. You are no longer blinded by the past. Once you learn to realize your feelings, and with support from this community or a therapist, you will improve faster and more so with more confidence in yourself.

I spent some time with the bf and voiced a few things. I made an effort to show him and express my affection towards him. I don't know how it will all work out. I know I have a lot of built up feelings and issues I need to deal with. For one: I sensed that I feel insecure. And that puts a hold on moving forward, truly. But I'm trying. Another thing I noticed is how poor of a gf I have been. Not so great. And I need to let go of my guilt about that. And we need to one way or another work through it. Together; bc I'm not leaving. Not now. I'll give it my all first...and what is right will reveal itself and happen.

I hear you, Loud, no very LOUD... I see it like this: You are seeing the light. The next sentences may be surprising, but actualy it is normal and natural. We do not know what will happen when the formerly blind girl sees the light... You are not in love with him, I am not sure you can fall in love with him. Guess he knows, he will not expect much but please take care of him and do not hurt him. Give both of you time and follow your heart.

.......The past can be a beastly thing. Blinding up to the present. It's all about perspective, ain't it.....

Taming the beast is a lifetime-effort. And yes, it is about perspective, _and_ that after looking at the beast in the first place...

[itsallgrand]

A few thoughts for now:

* I obsess over a few thoughts and concepts over and over again! Negative, perfection-seeking, unrealistic thoughts.

- - Need to keep an inner eye on this. I am seeing what I want to see; which is, stupidly enough, wanting to see bad things only even when they are not there.

 

*I'm lazy. I've rationalized a lot of my self indulgence and not-taking-chances (afraid, giving the fear power, avoidance as a habit now).

 

*I am not in love with that precious man. I love him, I care. Not enough! My own selfish desire not to let him go, to want him to be there for me, to want to hear all his sweetness directed at me - and I haven't been doing the right things.

There is only so much a man can take - he has dignity and self respect enough that this is getting to a 'do it or i walk' point.

I need to tell him the truth. How will I do this? I don't know. I already fear he thinks i'm a wackjob.

 

*I am terrified of exposing myself - especially to anyone who cares! and is kind. Yet know that is exactly what I must do...and I crave it, need it badly. To be a real person, not a fake zombo in pain.

 

*Work, going back to school, spending more time with the friends i've got, making new ones and branching out, my health and what I enjoy doing, my passions: this is where I need to spend the majority of my time.

 

*I need to resume my old ways of charting goals and recording my process. Organize all my papers and schedules. I need to be strict with myself for now, remember reestablish old habits.

 

*Stopping smoking and starting the exercise is good. Crying lots though: i think the smoking helped numb and repress feelings. Smoke: no thought, drift to dreamland. Ignore body telling me it felt badly; instead added gas to a fire. Ugghh. It feels good after I cry, but not before.

 

*I'm very sad and mean to myself and I don't know why. It is an entire system of self-inflicted stupidity.

 

sigh. Tis okay. Only, i really do not like that I am alone tonight. and it's my own doing. blah. Think 'he' is angry at me again or still bc I am acting weird and unstable. hopefully, he'll open to me soon, give me a chance. I know he's missing him, and he *should* know I'm missing him! dam it I told him - I said exactly how I feel. My turn to see there are no guarantees and doing right should suddenly mean he wont be mad for a while. bah. Tomorrow i think i'll step up to the plate with some grand gesture. Whatever the situo, i want him to see i do care.

 

end for now. lol.

[nottoogreen]

Hi itsallgrand,

 

I enjoy replying to your latest post.

 

First some thoughts on how we work. We evolved into a highly adaptable species.

 

Our body is adaptable, we can increase and decrease muscles, we can add or lose fat, we are physically addictable to alcohol and other substances, and our bodies adapt to some extent by adjusting sensitivity to pain, substances and even fat to do what is demanded.

 

Our mind is much more complex and adaptable. It can be said that there are winners and losers. Winner become stronger, losers become weaker. Here are some ideas on depression, follow the links. .

 

The good news is, our brain can be reprogrammed as long as we want.

 

A few thoughts for now:

* I obsess over a few thoughts and concepts over and over again! Negative, perfection-seeking, unrealistic thoughts.

- - Need to keep an inner eye on this. I am seeing what I want to see; which is, stupidly enough, wanting to see bad things only even when they are not there.

Cleaning up the mess is unpleasant. Also you are used to negatives, so your brain expects to see negatives.

*I'm lazy. I've rationalized a lot of my self indulgence and not-taking-chances (afraid, giving the fear power, avoidance as a habit now).

Me thinks it is avoidance as a habbit based on fear to fail.

*I am not in love with that precious man. I love him, I care. Not enough! My own selfish desire not to let him go, to want him to be there for me, to want to hear all his sweetness directed at me - and I haven't been doing the right things.

Glad you see this and respect him. He knows it anyway. He's frustrated?

There is only so much a man can take - he has dignity and self respect enough that this is getting to a 'do it or i walk' point.

I need to tell him the truth. How will I do this? I don't know. I already fear he thinks i'm a wackjob.

No rush, you could give time and see your feelings evolve first.

*I am terrified of exposing myself - especially to anyone who cares! and is kind. Yet know that is exactly what I must do...and I crave it, need it badly. To be a real person, not a fake zombo in pain.

Yes we all need care. On hindsight, is seems mostly wrong when we exposed ourselves. It is hard to find better combination of advice, care and non-exposure than on ENA.

Unfortunately, most psychiatrists will focus on the chemical imbalances in your brain, leaving aside your mental problems. Its like "tell me how you feel", "if you feel like that, take this pills", now talk about your problems as we have 40 more minutes to go on the session, I'll listen music while you talk."

He put it nicely, cast in sweet irony.

*Work, going back to school, spending more time with the friends i've got, making new ones and branching out, my health and what I enjoy doing, my passions: this is where I need to spend the majority of my time.

All good, first work on stabilizing and organizing and planning a bit.

*I need to resume my old ways of charting goals and recording my process. Organize all my papers and schedules. I need to be strict with myself for now, remember reestablish old habits.

Strange isn't it, one drops this and that, gets used to it,drops more, until all stops, I recall that too.

*Stopping smoking and starting the exercise is good. Crying lots though: i think the smoking helped numb and repress feelings. Smoke: no thought, drift to dreamland. Ignore body telling me it felt badly; instead added gas to a fire. Ugghh. It feels good after I cry, but not before.

Crying is much better than smoking. nicotine is said to promote depression, by giving a fake high - seems logical, btw am ex smoker.

*I'm very sad and mean to myself and I don't know why. It is an entire system of self-inflicted stupidity.

No, you know that you went wrong and now punish yourself. Better love yourself for improving. I pointed that out to Superstar here:

sigh. Tis okay. Only, i really do not like that I am alone tonight. and it's my own doing. blah. Think 'he' is angry at me again or still bc I am acting weird and unstable. hopefully, he'll open to me soon, give me a chance. I know he's missing him, and he *should* know I'm missing him! dam it I told him - I said exactly how I feel. My turn to see there are no guarantees and doing right should suddenly mean he wont be mad for a while. bah. Tomorrow i think i'll step up to the plate with some grand gesture. Whatever the situo, i want him to see i do care.

You got ENA, the internet, go for a walk?, some good friends? You can not expect him to behave like a computer with power and reset switches. Give him a little time. And poke him gently.

end for now. lol.

And a new a beginning...

[itsallgrand]

Thanks for the continued support. It's helping. Monitoring? Sounds like a good idea. I'm trying to do that myself, but it's nice being able to come here and share with everyone. I like reading from the others who are going through some of the same things too.

 

Yeah, i'm keeping up with Susser's thread.

 

I spent time with an old friend tonight. It felt good. I had been 'avoiding' her a bit bc I didn't want her to see me in a mess. silly.

I found myself apologizing several times for simply being myself and having the feelings I do.

She is a good sane person. Very grounding and accepting.

 

I found that 'he' is showing me the same. I contacted him with a simple 'how are things. Thinking of you. etc.' and he said something to the effect of 'he knows now to just give me time to cool off when I am tripping and doesn't take it to heart'.

 

yah! Improvement there. Instead of days or weeks of silliness; I am finding it easier to speak out and apologize/let things go.

Hence: able to think of other things and enjoy my life/the moment.

 

Thoughts about: My big regrets and slowing letting them go as I see more of what I feel so badly about.

How my preoccupation with my own negativity and worries has blocked communication and making people feel truly appreciated. And sharing went down the drain a lot bc of my defences.

 

Basically, I just need to take better care of myself!!

 

It's sort of funny. I've tried so hard to do everything alone and independently; and it has actually crippled me. I left behind big parts of myself that I really like a lot: my softness and humor and joy.

 

Life is pretty good. A day at a time now...that's the ticket.

[Daddy Bear]

so, you want to have children but not with your current bf? does that about sum it up, grandy?

[itsallgrand]

I want to have children and a family.

 

When I started this thread: that in itself was a revelation to me. To admit it.

 

As it stands, I don't want children with the current bf. Not bc it is him (I think).

 

I'm still figuring it out. Before kids or a family can become something to actualize: I need to get well myself, and sort through where the current bf and myself fit into each others lives (or not).

 

lol. When I can give a straight answer, I'll let ya know!

[nottoogreen]

Thanks for the continued support. It's helping. Monitoring? Sounds like a good idea. I'm trying to do that myself, but it's nice being able to come here and share with everyone.

OK, i'll do that then.

I like reading from the others who are going through some of the same things too.

I am continously amazed about what I learn here too. Please keep reading and replying too.

Yeah, i'm keeping up with Susser's thread.

Thank you, please continue to do so, he is a lovely guy. I'll ask him to keep up here too.

I spent time with an old friend tonight. It felt good. I had been 'avoiding' her a bit bc I didn't want her to see me in a mess. silly. I found myself apologizing several times for simply being myself and having the feelings I do. She is a good sane person. Very grounding and accepting.

Great!, it is good to have someone like her.

 

And yes, do not burden her, retain her for positives only. People do not handle non-positives easily. You can handle problems and negatives at ENA.

I found that 'he' is showing me the same. I contacted him with a simple 'how are things. Thinking of you. etc.' and he said something to the effect of 'he knows now to just give me time to cool off when I am tripping and doesn't take it to heart'.

Just what I thought, he has a good idea about you. And he thinks and cares about you.

yah! Improvement there. Instead of days or weeks of silliness; I am finding it easier to speak out and apologize/let things go.

Hence: able to think of other things and enjoy my life/the moment.

Let bitterness go and live today, but for tomorrow.

Thoughts about: My big regrets and slowing letting them go as I see more of what I feel so badly about.

How my preoccupation with my own negativity and worries has blocked communication and making people feel truly appreciated. And sharing went down the drain a lot bc of my defences.

You are on the right track. Its all history, it hurts but it gets better, every day.

Basically, I just need to take better care of myself!!

It's quite common to not listen to oneself and to push negatives away instead of resolving them. One day, one is so imbalanced that one effecively shuts down.

It's sort of funny. I've tried so hard to do everything alone and independently; and it has actually crippled me.

Lone warrier at war and/or in denial with oneself. Been there. It is weird how one could do that, once one sees it all...

I left behind big parts of myself that I really like a lot: my softness and humor and joy.

You will enjoy picking all this up again. You get there!

Life is pretty good. A day at a time now...that's the ticket.

For a good ride, which gets better, look at your posts, you are doing it!

[itsallgrand]

Today is good. A lot on my plate, but it's okay. I'm starting to get excited.

 

Decided today: to brush up on my current affairs and what is going on in the world.

Also, looking into taking some classes at the University!! yeeee...I love school. It could bolster up my earning potential and job opportunities too.

 

Also decided: to stop worrying about men. I didn't even realize how much I think about it til recently. Men,men,men. They are such wonderful creatures - yes, I have been overly preoccupied and a little (wee bit) crazy over them. It all snapped into place today: my flitting from guy to guy, having so many men in my life all the time, writing and singing about them. Eghh. I'm ready to give up this girlish infactuation with all things male. There are other things to think about....balance...got tipped.

 

I saw today a lot of my own areas that need to 'grow up'. The world obviously is not going to accomadate my depression and weaknesses: so I need to deal with them. It's just life, as they say. It could be worse!

 

So today: Spent some time organizing. Some time getting updated on local/world affairs. Looked into what I need to do in order to do those classes. Went for a long walk. Got a new haircut! Had a nice meal with my bro. Didn't smoke! Looked into new sources of income (picking up more hours? second job? switching jobs?). Made a bunch of phone calls and 'dates' for doing things with my friends.

 

 

[nottoogreen]

Today is good. A lot on my plate, but it's okay. I'm starting to get excited. Decided today: to brush up on my current affairs and what is going on in the world.

It didn't stop after all...

Also, looking into taking some classes at the University!! yeeee...I love school. It could bolster up my earning potential and job opportunities too.

This is very important. A better job is great for your independence and self esteem.

Also decided: to stop worrying about men. I didn't even realize how much I think about it til recently. Men,men,men. They are such wonderful creatures - yes, I have been overly preoccupied and a little (wee bit) crazy over them. It all snapped into place today: my flitting from guy to guy, having so many men in my life all the time, writing and singing about them. Eghh. I'm ready to give up this girlish infactuation with all things male. There are other things to think about....balance...got tipped.

Wonderful creatures... ok, females too. Balance seems what successful life is about.

I saw today a lot of my own areas that need to 'grow up'. The world obviously is not going to accomadate my depression and weaknesses: so I need to deal with them. It's just life, as they say. It could be worse!

This is a very true statement.

So today: Spent some time organizing. Some time getting updated on local/world affairs. Looked into what I need to do in order to do those classes. Went for a long walk. Got a new haircut! Had a nice meal with my bro. Didn't smoke! Looked into new sources of income (picking up more hours? second job? switching jobs?). Made a bunch of phone calls and 'dates' for doing things with my friends.

 

 

This is a (pro)active post. I am proud of you itsallgrand!

[itsallgrand]

Thx Nottoogreen. I'm kinda proud of myself too.

 

I'm having a rough time at the moment. It is against my habit now to feel things while they are happening...and here I am, frickin' feeling, and I would like to push it away, 'cause the feeling isn't good.

 

Note to self: Wanting a cig=wanting to suppress feelings.

 

I want a cig! Won't do it though.

 

Bf will be leaving soon. Could be tomorrow or the next day. Akhh. I admit it okay. I am freaking out a bit inside. Not knowing 100% when he is leaving (even he doesn't know, I'm told). Me keeping in touch and attempting to see him. No answer. Eh?! Tried later; answer, him distant-y, says will call when he is done his appt. at doc (i did not know about!!). No call. I caved and called just a bit ago: no answer?!

 

* * *? I feel sick. Rejected. Baaaad. I miss him and I want to see him. So....what is this...a brush-off??? No goodbye, no talk, no nothing??

 

I have been trying to avoid this feeling forever. This just does not sit right.

Something is UP and I'm being left out of the loop.

 

I need a smack or something. This is interrupting my flow, it makes me feel shi-y.

 

Maybe it is no big deal. Maybe it's he needs some space, still not sure, maybe maybe maybe....

 

This feels like a game and I hate games..hate hate hate. Just out with it, y'know.

 

I don't know. This makes me feel so little. I know there is no security in this world, ambiguity must be tolerated blahblahblah...but my heart body isn't into it right now...its' screaming Please Talk to Me and Let me Love You.

 

This is bringing up so much craap. It really hurts. I have spent the majority of my life being ignored and not listened to..in the midst of stupid chaos...dammit...i don't care anymore...I want some attention too...just regular old every day care about you and see you attention....

 

I feel abandoned.

 

I know I will be fine. I'll live. I just want this craziness to stop. I surrender. I surrender.

 

There's too much pain and insanity in this world as it is. And I'm angry too. Angry. I know for what seems like what was a long stretch of not knowing, that I f-ing MATTER and deserve to have my needs met. Everybody deserves that. Not everybody gets it. It's sad, it's sad. I wish it was just me.

 

I give up. I'm gonna just love him and tell him when he lets me ...IF he lets me...and the rest is up to him. If he ditches me...I'm done. Life is too short.

 

.........................

 

p.s. I hate how issues and the things of sickness in people can destroy so much possibility for love and goodness in this world, how it is possible to love someone the best you know how at the time and they can be doing tha ttoo, and it still not be enough, because you are both f-ed., and you are so scared to love and feel all the pain that is inside....

 

You can love yourself and still there is that need to be seen and recognized and to have someone else know you are alive and you....and we don't all get that...some not even once...

 

p.s.s. I often feel invisible to others and need ot remedy that. I forget myself too. Why? Cause sh/ seems so urgent, sh/ to be done.

 

p.s.s.s. This is most likely precisely the reason he is holding away. I f myself up left right and center. Where the bleep is room for him?? He deserves all of me and twisted sh/t that this is; i'm wrapped up in my own bile. I feel like a used-up piece of garbage. I sucked up ugliness in this world - and I want to yell 'it's not my fault! it's not my fault! I didn't have a choice. I didn't have a choice."

 

And it doesn't matter. Bc I am what I am and I have to live with it. Life isn't fair. That's how the thing goes. Sometimes ya get what ya get. I don't control the universe. I don't control the stars. And I can't cure myself overnight. It's too deep.

 

Throwing up hands. Feeling a bit better. Miss his face and wanting to show him love right now. Kills me that he may feel rejected by me...or not cared about...I don't even know...I just want to know...

 

a little bit of space and i can see he's got his wacky-business too...possibly it is that...//

 

enough already!

[nottoogreen]

Oh itsallgrand,

 

Where is you bf going, for how long, can't you meet, call him before he goes?

[itsallgrand]

He's leaving for work, cross one end of the blibbing country to the other, for a month-ish. I am still attempting to call. It rings, no answer. It is driving me a little nutbar bc he has his cellphone with him constantly.

I have no idea what he is doing. It seems he is ignoring me.

 

My mind is going crazy. I can't even show up to see him in person: I don't know where he is right now.

????

[nottoogreen]

He's leaving for work, cross one end of the blibbing country to the other, for a month-ish. I am still attempting to call. It rings, no answer. It is driving me a little nutbar bc he has his cellphone with him constantly.

I have no idea what he is doing. It seems he is ignoring me.

 

My mind is going crazy. I can't even show up to see him in person: I don't know where he is right now.

????

 

Keep trying, also send him an email.

 

You have to understand that he is a bit cool after all.

 

I work on a reply to your big post now.

 

Hang in there.

[itsallgrand]

Hangin' Yeah, he's cool alright

 

Ok. Will do. (email, keep trying).

 

I keep remembering to myself 'must not get too hot. must not expect instant call-to-attention'. Trying to chill.

[nottoogreen]

Good morning itsallgrand,

 

The best thing you can do at this time is to let your feelings out when they happen. I am not surprised, your feelings will oscillate a bit for some time before settling.

 

I am not sure that he is going to leave you now, and if so, it is faster than I thought he would. Actually, I though you might leave him first. You were not in love with him and he may suspect that. Right now you can not be sure you will be able to fall in love before he folds.

 

Your feelings expressed in your post are really about you finally realizing that you may not be able to retain "this special man", at least not the way he thinks (as of a week ago) how you feel about him.

 

He maybe (likely is) inconfident about you and the best way is to give him space and yourself time to sort out yourself and your feelings.

 

If you can't meet him before he goes, perhaps once you are sure about your feelings, send him an email about what you have been doing and planning and changing.

 

You relied on him for a long time and adjusting at this time together with all you have realized is especially hard.

 

What really makes a difference for your future, is to follow your plans in place, which also will give you the best chance to retain him.

 

Keep your spirits up and write soon.

[itsallgrand]

Thx very much. I really appreciate it. Last night was difficult, and I won't lie,so is today. Just reality sinking in I guess.

 

Your words ring true. I've read it several times. Some of it stings. Some of it scares me. Some of it shocks me: how could I not see and feel clearly that he inconfident in me. Having to face the truth of why that is so (and it is with good reason) - hurts. It hurts that I hurt him. It hurts that I am so childish inside. It hurts how I feel, at to see the unreality I live in often.

 

I did finally get a call from him and I did see him. This post could be long, but I really need to get it out. I started writing it earlier, and it felt difficult, and I stopped and erased. I didn't like what was coming out. But, today, I have been obsessing and not able to think of anything else but him. I hear a voice inside my head telling me 'pathetic.pathetic.you are like your mother!'. That scares me too.

 

He had gotten hurt and had to go to the doctor. When I had called and talked to him earlier, he told me this. He told me he would call me and he never did - my post last night; not able to get a hold of him at all. He had gotten painkillers after waiting forever to see the doc, and passed out. Didn't hear the phone. When we finally talked he was groggy and doped up.

that's the explanation.

he wasn't leaving me. he wasn't intentially doing it. He had no clue. He wanted to see me, even in drugged up state. He even apologized for not calling.

 

Now, i'm gonna say some really ugly stuff. I need to. Everything was so intense. So emotional for me. with shots of clear vision and reality. And moments of great feelings of strength followed by huge plunges into a feeling of being a vulnerable, weak, baby with complete dependency needs.

Maybe it will help someone else, maybe it will help myself.

 

I was real angry and sad inside. My very own bf and i do not know when he is hurt, he did not tell me, he did not give me a chance to help or take care of him. Instead he did it alone. And this really, really, bothered me (still is disturbing me) especially considering he is now leaving/left. It makes me feel impotent and not trusted. Not able to love, or not worthy. It made me feel that he is not sure of me.

 

This is not what I wanted. Ever. My deepest heart wants one love, one deep commited long love.

 

When I saw him, i was intially so glad to see him, see that he was okay, wanted to hold him so tight. He seemed really glad to see me too. He even let me rattle on about any which nonsense like I do when I am excited or nervous or full up with energy. He was liking it like he does when we're close. 'Cause talking a lot and high energy is me when I am me.

 

I'm crying as i write this, bc I know it is over. I just know it in me, through and through, and it hurts bad. What was is over. Now it is all new, and I don't know how i'm gonna feel, how hes' gonna feel, what is gonna happen, if this is the last of us ever. It is reality and it terrifies me. It is putting my trust in letting the truth be seen, and having to be a big girl who is emotionally there, truthful and speaking it living it, living with ambiguity of not knowing how others will feel, if they will love me, living with concequences of my self completely.

 

How easy to get on in this world with blocked emotion, numbed out and false. The world is built for it. It rewards it. I know I'm not the only one. I know it doesn't matter how old you are. There are lots of us out there, passing off as there.

 

He was rather alert, the pills had been mostly slept off. But exhausted. And me too. For some reason, i got paranoid. I was looking out for signs of infidelity or a mistake he had made. I was looking for the worse, and a way to put my feelings on him. God, this is so ugly. And I found something to pick at, to ask a question about. He tried to just hold me and us go to sleep. My whole body felt rigid and like I was going to explode somehow. I tried talking again, asking him things. It frustrated him and he rolled over and asked if we can just sleep. Then he went to sleep. And I went to sleep, bc i was exhausted, with our backs turned to each other. Horrible. A part of me really wanted to just enjoy the time with him. But stronger was the want to Say Something. Something I didn't know how to say, or was afraid to say, so I kept the cold push away. Even when he tried to hug me half asleep. We slept and woke each other off and on with push and pull, rolling too near to one or the other. Fighting in our sleep! Time to wake up, i let go for a moment and we helt. He started to get rather affectionate, and it got to me again, I mean, I was a cold one. I felt stifled and wanted to speak so badly. We ended up arguing. It was a frightening type of arguing bc it was not loud. It was crisp, matter of fact, each so strong in our opposite stance.

 

If you're reading this, I dunno. I just need to get this out for now. It's poison.

He crossed his arms and said "I'm done." He's done this before, when he is at his brink of tolerance and patience, and I know it means he can not take anymore. More "You are so filled with negativity. It's like you thrive on negativity and bad things. I think you like it. And I can't take it anymore. You are emotionally exhausting. Too much. What's the point."

I listened and I tell you that really hurt, and he doesn't threaten. he says what he means, and usually avoids conflict, and speaks well and kindly with very few exception.

I spilled some feelings, just raw. I said about 'well, it's better to know this now. You are right. I don't know how long it will take me to fix this thing in myself. I know i can't be of any normal relationship until I fix this and find me again. Not with you, not with family, not even my friends' and i was crying huge streams of tears quietly as i said this, bc it was true.

He helt me and I cried on his shoulder. And I felt guilty. So guilty. It didn't seem right that he should care about me at all.

he said he just wants us to be normal. a normal couple who do normal things.

the tears kept coming bc that is what i want more than anything and feel i can not give. to anyone at all. more importantly, to him. and i told him that. I told him how i want to be normal. i told him some things going on in my life, some of the changes and things i am happy about, and he just kept on holding me and being affectionate and he looked me in the eyes and told me a straight up to the core I love you that pierced right through me. I was absorbing it and it took me a moment. and within a short time he asked me if I loved him. very straight wanting to know. I took a few seconds and I told him Yes, I love you. and that was the truth. it is the truth.

then we made love. I want to refrain from the details too much; but i found myself wanting the opposite of usual. i was fantasizing of being totally taken, and i told him and he did it. it was not very good. it s hard to write that.sex has always been amazing electric beautiful with him. this was like a goodbye or eulogy and had sadness to it. how to describe it. it was all how it is supposed to be on the outside but the insides were like waving to each other. i thought of my old exof light years ago. i imagined for a while there it was he touching me and loving me and in love with me. i was washed over with so much release and sweetness. and that is how it went. I gave in totally to it.

 

We had some time and when we parted it was all very warm and sweet and loving, but sad. I don't know how else to say it. He mentioned he would call me later, but he hasn't. I didn't really think he would, somehow, but nevertheless i had some little crazy hope. The last things we said to each other were See you soon, sweetie. How odd. the words don't seem right. the expression felt like something else.

 

..............

 

So. What I know. Is not much. I'm not in love with him. I no longer feel he is in love with me. I just felt that. I felt that; that something in him has given up. And, it is getting to feel okay. There is no hate. There is not dislike. I know very deep in me that he loves me. I know very deeply in me that I love him.

 

He is gone for a while now,and i need to do what i have to do and not think of this. Bc nothing can be said now that each of us does not already know.

We need space. I need space. He needs space. So I can not say what this means. it feels a whole lot like breaking up. but it isn't. It is ...mutual...I don't know. Let's let it be and see.

 

I need to grow up and well. That i do know. Tonight, i found myself sitting after a phone call (not with him), hung up the receiver very slowly, it was like time stopped. inside my head i could hear my own voice saying "ok. It's up to you now. It's all you. You need to make things happen."

 

thank you for allowing me to share this. I honestly do not know where else i would turn to right now. I've strung out my friends, my family, so many: to bring this to them would most likely topple and it just would not work. Bc I feel i need to stay calm right now to everyone, let them see that i can not be totally hot and wild all the time, that there is some way to feel confident in my stability and ability to be real responsive there.

 

Yeah. thanks. that's my story.

 

p.s. He did call as he is leaving the city. Our city. Please forgive me for being sentimental. This city - it's not where i grew up. I did not consider it home for many years. He grew up here. He travels a lot. I move around alot - but more on the outskirts of anywhere. I have a passion for open space and wild places. as wild as places come nowadays. lol.

Anyways...

this city has been our meeting center. It is Ours. It is so hard to explain. In a silly way, we own this city and build it.

 

I think I am going to take a break from this city for a while. I think I would like to go home - which is anywhere I need to go to do what needs to be done.

 

LOL. I'm gonna buy myself a frickin notebook.