Detachment

[Belle]

To him that hath shall be given

 

I'm in a strange place that I don't fully understand. I'm in contact with the ex, had started seeing someone else, and have a couple of other interests. I guess I'm not used to having this much attention and it's making me realize a simple truth. We don't really need our exes. The more we pin our hopes on one person, the less appealing we become. So I guess I've gone in the opposite direction. And my ex has been sweeter in the last week than he was when we were together. He bought me a birthday present and was super attentive. I can't lie, it turned my head. Until he became inconsistent and didn't show up at a place he said he'd be. A week's worth of sweetness doesn't make up for playing games.

 

I don't know for sure, but I think he's unhappy about being friend zoned. He put out a feeler and I let him down as best I could. I'm happy with things the way they are. Flirting and having fun and not being subject to an emotional roller coaster that he likes to ride. I'm not going back anywhere at this point. But I like spending time with him when it's not serious. I'm not impatiently waiting for "when will we get back together" because I don't even know if that's what I want.

 

I don't feel guilty about it either. He would string me along if I let him. And he is the one that said that he'd accept a friendship if that's all he could get. Jujitsu.

 

I'm happy that I don't react to any of his attempts at gamesmanship. The old me would have tried to control the situation and would feel the need to tell him how it bothered me when he did something selfish or inconsiderate. I realize now that I have to treat him the way he's acting. Like a child. I won't respond to it and will move on. If he wants to act like an adult, great. But he won't get any emotional reaction out of me because I have nothing to lose.

 

What I'm trying to say is that detachment is the key to getting more of what you want. The more I practice detachment, the less I honestly care about the result. I have faith that what's meant to happen will happen. If it's right, it will. It's looking more and more probable that it wasn't, the further I back away mentally yet keep him close.

 

If only things were this clear every day.

[Alberto]

he's doing the typical things that someone who wants to reconcile would do which almost never work...what if he were to vanish from the face of the earth on you? would you wonder about him, try to contact him?

[JJRadical]

The Zen of the Ex...JuJitsu huh? Now quit communicating with your ex/accepting presents, emotionally robbing his bank, stringing him along...put him in an armbar and tap that mofo out...its over...

[joyce1412]

I'm happy that I don't react to any of his attempts at gamesmanship. The old me would have tried to control the situation and would feel the need to tell him how it bothered me when he did something selfish or inconsiderate. I realize now that I have to treat him the way he's acting. Like a child. I won't respond to it and will move on. If he wants to act like an adult, great. But he won't get any emotional reaction out of me because I have nothing to lose.

 

What I'm trying to say is that detachment is the key to getting more of what you want. The more I practice detachment, the less I honestly care about the result. I have faith that what's meant to happen will happen. If it's right, it will. It's looking more and more probable that it wasn't, the further I back away mentally yet keep him close.

 

you seem to have a great attitude. good for you!

 

i'm going to try to remember these words for myself. my ex has been pulling some LAME crap that i wanted to acknowledge--to say, "hey, quit it, jerk"--but what you wrote and what another poster wrote has inspired me to keep away, to hold my cards close to my chest, to not acknowledge someone who is being a little child. what you are doing is definitely the way to go.

 

since you seem to have such an evolved, mature attitude, can i ask: do you and the ex have any mutual friends? and if so, how do you handle them? how do you handle talking about the relationship with them, if you do? thanks!

[amazone]

I am at the same place. Breaking up was excruciatingly painful. I thought I would not be able to survive and yet, it was only three weeks ago. I decided to go NC for two weeks. I have started exercising and am going out a lot. Now I am seeing other people, some of them very attractive, and the ex contacted me! But now, I do not need him or expect anything even though I think I still love him.

[JJRadical]

Your full of more contradictions than President Bush...

[Belle]

he's doing the typical things that someone who wants to reconcile would do which almost never work...what if he were to vanish from the face of the earth on you? would you wonder about him, try to contact him?

 

They would work if he was consistent and stopped playing. I did want him back. With the gamesmanship, not so sure. You'd also have to know about why we broke up to understand.

 

If he disappeared altogether I would know he's still playing games. No, I would not try to contact him again.

[Belle]

Joyce,

 

Yes, do hold them close to your chest. It seems that it's human nature to exploit weakness so don't let him see it.

 

We do have a few mutual friends who feel compelled to bring up the other whenever we see them. Even better, one guy that was interested in me would tell my ex what I was doing and where I went. That's how he found me. I never got that one. I just tried to avoid conversations about him. If they keep talking about it I make an excuse to go talk to someone else or go to the br. They usually get the hint.

[Belle]

Now I am seeing other people, some of them very attractive, and the ex contacted me! But now, I do not need him or expect anything even though I think I still love him.

 

I never understood the radar that people have. As soon as a guy/girl starts dating again the ex circles back around.

 

The fact that you don't need him is a pull. Sitting at home, obsessing and crying over someone is a push and doesn't get them back. Moving on with your life and not accepting any crap from your ex seems to provoke interest, at the very least.

[BONO]

I read a post back six months ago which sort of hits the nail on the head.

 

Basically we can all go round in circles, but the best thing to do is ...................

 

NOTHING !!!!

 

 

 

If you do *nothing*, then *nothing* can go wrong.

 

 

Scruff

[joyce1412]

thanks belle! you'd think that my friends, especially my seemingly sensitive girlfriends, would avoid exposing me to the world, but apparently that isn't so. they've revealed some unfortunate things i told them in confidence. too bad. i won't make the same mistake of being so openly emotional with them again. in fact, i'll simply tell them about all the fun i'm having and the guys i'm dating--use them to my advantage.

[Belle]

joyce,

 

if you haven't learned by now, women cannot keep a secret. Especially when they were both your friends. I don't share anything with our mutual friends. Except when we first broke up I mentioned that he was a liar and I was pissed. I never said what he lied about and I never brought it up again. I'm sure they told him. He already knew.

 

Keep it all to yourself in the future. Unless your'e telling friends that don't know him.

 

Scruff,

 

I'm not doing much of anything at the moment. Any forward movement will have to be from him. I'm not going to read his mind anymore or try to figure out where things or going. I don't care. I just realized that I don't miss him when I'm out doing my own thing. That may not be a good thing.