need some help if poss

[Nikki23]

Hey guys just wondering if someone can help me.

 

I've been split up from my boyfriend for about a month now. The relationship ended up very messed up, with terrible communication, him with a temper and me focusing my whole life around him. He ended it and he says it's not cause he wanted to but because we were killing each other and I wasn't strong enough to do it. He also said it's not what he wants just now and can't handle the stress. We were together 3 years and lived together.

 

Because I read the posts on this site and beacuse of advice from friends I didn't make any of the mistakes and just cut off from him really and moved away to stay with family. He called me alot and said he missed me and was crying at one point as well. We've both accepted that it's over but he says that he'll keep an open mind about getting back together in the future.

 

Because I had been quite cold and just chatting about what I had been up and stuff when he phoned (we need to pay off bills) I texted him just saying that I did miss him and just wanted him to know that.

 

He replied 'Were you trying to tell me somethng with that text?'

 

I said ' Idon't know what you mean'

 

He replied ' You know what I mean Nikki?'

 

I said ' I don't know- just meant that I do miss you'

 

He replied 'Is that it?'

 

I said 'I'm a bit wary about this line of questioning and why you want to know'

 

And then he said he would call me tonight.

 

So I'm not sure how to act on the phone tonight and what to say!!!

 

What do you guys think?? Know I'm over analysing a bit but just wanted the full picture to be shown.

[babypink61]

Hmm since you guys have been together for so long, my guess is that he probably IS missing you and maybe possibly regret the fact that he broke up with you. If you feel like you're absolutely done with this relationship, then I think you're doing a good job as far as playing it cool and trying to keep your distance. But if you're insteresting in possibly getting back with him, I would probably talk to him in person and find out what he is thinking. My boyfriend broke up with me earlier this year but then afterwards he'd always text me and say things like "I miss you" and stuff like that. Finally we had a "talk" and he told me he realized that he had made a mistake and he regretted breaking up with me and wanted to know if I'd take him back. Well I decided to give him a second chance and we've since then been able to work out a lot of our differences and we're still together 'til this day

[iceman85]

Be cautious thats the first thing. Do not fall all over him even if you feel like you want to. Let him do the talking, if he asks you about things you can either be completley honest or you can tell him that your unsure, you've been really hurt and that you think you need some time to decide what YOU want.

 

YOU are in control you shouldn't let him have that back, it sounds like you really care for him and from what i'm seeing he is definitley thinking about what you guys had. Its your choice but don't seem needy, clingy or desperate

[Nikki23]

Ok cool, thanks so much! I am pretty confused and although I do miss him, I am still very wary about whether it would just go back to the way things were before and I think right now it would still be a crap relationship and I wanna just concentrate on getting my life on track!

[jchan]

2 important words. Keep Composure!

you gotta stay strong, don't show weakness, use your logical side of things to deal with the situation while talking to him. Life is under your control. Your ex has no right to control how you should feel, how you should live. My suggestion, get your life on track, focus on you!

 

stay strong girl!

[Leigh]

Nikki,

I must say that I completely relate to your story and am 3 weeks out of a live-in relationship breakup and I am also back at home with family to regroup...Please read my other posts for more background.

 

I would say that you are in great shape for keeping the lines of honest communication open. I do believe that after 3 years you should be able to avoid playing the games (power trips) that are almost always involved with break ups in an attempt to protect one's ego.. If you really believe that you lost yourself in the relationship, I would suggest taking this time to figure yourself out before returning. (I am in this same place now..) If he really loves you and you guys are meant to be together, he should understand that you need this time. I would be as honest as possible on the phone...but try to play your cards close to your chest. Don't show him your whole hand if he hasn't shown his. Sounds like you guys will work everything out in time.

 

Good Luck hun.

L.

[Nikki23]

Thanks for the words of encouragment, both of you, makes me feel empowered!

 

Leigh it's good to know that you're in the same situation as me, do you want to get back together with your ex?

 

He called last night and asked me to move to another county with him, I was very negative about it as we haven't even discussed where we went wrong and what we would do to improve things. Just think it's so unrealistic. I was pretty negative about it and quite angry that he thought he could just say something like that and I would jump on a plane with him- he then said he shouldn't have said it but it's what he was thinking. I've always thught he was the more mature one in our relationship but I now don't know! Just not sure how to play this, should I make the move to discuss what went wrong?? I've kinda already done that but waiting on a reply. I just don't know what the hell he's thinking and whether he's being serious or not! (wouldn't move anyway cause I'm starting my career where I am just now)

 

xxxxx

[Nikki23]

I'll just go look at your other posts Leigh!

[Nikki23]

Hey just needed a bit of help in my situation again!! Think I've mucked things up and not sure what to do now!

 

Ended up that he phoned a lot and we had some good chats, just positive stuff and got on well. I was very guarded, never mentioned our relationship and actually felt like I'd moved on!

 

Then he phones saying he wants to talk and wants to get back together. He asked if I had been with anyone, said I didn't want to discuss anything like that and it wasn't right. He persisted, told him I'd kissed someone and he told me he's slept with someone, he said he wanted to get it out in the open and be fully honest with each other if we had a chance to salvage what we had. I was very hesitant, didn't say that I would talk or anything (basically just really upset me that he had been with someone, even though I knew deep down he would have by now and I certainly let him know that, couldn't hide it)

 

So left it that I hadn't shown much interest and was confused. Then my friend came down to stay with me. I texted him that I didn't think it was a good idea because I knew he's cheated on me (didn't just being silly I think and suspicious because of what he'd told me, shook my trust as when we split up last time and I went travelling he went with a girl and didn't tell me about it cause he was worried that I wouldn't get back with him) he said to call him and we could talk cause I was being silly. I ignored him and didn't call. Then when I came home and was drunk and sleeping I lent on my phone and dialled last call which was him, did't say anything cause I was asleep and he kept calling back and woke me up, was just confused and asking why he was ringing and being snappy cause I was asleep. Then he phoned the next night while I was in cinema 3 times then texted asking if I had been with someone cause I was acting weird on the phone, just said no I hadn't been.

 

Tonight we spoke about bills and because I'm feeling really hungova and a bit low I thnk I let my guard down. He was saying how do you expect me to act when I said for us to talk when I was thinking silly things and igored him and then didnt even call the next day and explain about calling him by accident and that I had said I'd moved on.

 

Went off the phone cause I wasn't being myself, asked if he'd been with anyone at the weekend which I shouldn't have but felt I could because he'd asked me. and then texted him saying that we could meet and talk if he wanted, we live an hour on a plane away now.

 

He replied 'If you really wanna talk then that's cool but am not trying to hold you back, I do think it's gonna be difficult trying to talk to you so if you feel differently then let me know, I'll call you tomorrow night.'

 

I replied ' you are just playing control games and that's really immature.'

 

He replied 'I'm not but I don't know what you want me to say coz you'll no doubt have a new argument tomorrow'.

 

I replied ' you're not holding me back in anyway, I'm open to any possibility about the future. I just thught like you said there would be no hurt caused to just talk.'

 

He said' I am willing to talk but couldn't make it down for 4 weeks cause of his work (not an excuse cause he is elf employed and really working hard right now to build his career which is at all hours of the day and night)

 

I replied ' don't worry about it, just see what happens.'

 

Think my argumentativness and nit picking has drove him away again and I was feeling low tonight and for the first time I felt I lost my control.

 

Don't know what to do now, feeling * * * *!!!](*,)

[Nikki23]

Also wanted to add, I didn't sound my usual happy self on the phone tonight, but pretty down and suspicious, saying 'oh was that crap you were talking bout getting back together?'.........aaaaaaggggh what have I done- can I sort this????

[Leigh]

Hmmm, that's a toughie. Sounds like you guys are constantly testing each other right now. One steps forward, the other steps back...

 

Honestly, I think that both of you are confused. After 3 years, you're both so used to "being on the same page" and knowing where each of you stands, that I think this break up is wreaking havoc on you, as you try to anticipate what the other one is thinking, feeling or why they are reacting a certain way.

 

My advice to you would be to take a step back again. How often are the two of you communicating right now?

 

BTW, sorry I never got back to this thread earlier... I DO want to reconcile with the ex... I also lost my identity in the relationship...but he has been nowhere near as receptive as yours since the break up (my ex really struggles with verbalizing and dealing with feelings and tends to run away and hide)... We're back to being friends now, so I guess that's something after only a month... I don't know anymore either

[Nikki23]

Hey thanks Leigh, just really confused just now and thinking I've made a big mistake!

 

That is definetly progress with your ex if you are friends after only a month! Are you finding it ok to move on a bit or are you still centreing your thoughts around him! As soon as they see your not doing this, they come running or maybe that's just the way my ex behaves!! Bloody men!!

[Nikki23]

ps. we had started communicating quite a lot recently (I was trying LC for a while and that's when he got really upset) but you're right I'm defo gonna take a step back now, feel I've moved onto dangerous territory and don't wanna back track on the progress I've made!!

[Leigh]

Hey thanks Leigh, just really confused just now and thinking I've made a big mistake!

 

That is definetly progress with your ex if you are friends after only a month! Are you finding it ok to move on a bit or are you still centreing your thoughts around him! As soon as they see your not doing this, they come running or maybe that's just the way my ex behaves!! Bloody men!!

 

Thanks Nikki, not sure if it's progress in the right direction or not... maybe he's just alleviating his guilt... I don't know. I'm trying to move on but am still having a hard time not thinking about him and overanalysing the mistakes made in the relationship.

 

ps. we had started communicating quite a lot recently (I was trying LC for a while and that's when he got really upset) but you're right I'm defo gonna take a step back now, feel I've moved onto dangerous territory and don't wanna back track on the progress I've made!!

 

I would say definitely take a step back so the two of you can clear your heads and figure out what you both really want to come of your relationship...when contact is initiated again I would really try to open the talk with some sort of disclaimer to set the tone of the conversation. Something along the lines of "I'm going to try to be as honest and open as possible with you now, and I hope you'll do the same.."

 

See where it goes from there.

[blender]

Okay first thing is, just breathe, and know there is nothing you can do right this moment that will make everything feel better, except to know that this relationship is unhealthy, not trusting, and you both are too afraid to take responsibility for owning up to your OWN feelings towards the other, just in case you might be "wrong about it, or get rejected, or the other is playing a game".... For now, just forgive yourself for whatever you're beating yourself up about, when a relationship is the "right" one to pursue, it's just not this difficult... sure all couples have to work through rough spots, but it starts with direct, honest, loving, communication and TRUST.

 

If these things are not in place for your OWN SELF ESTEEM first, well then no one can gaurentee you anything, or promise you anything, this "peace" and "trust" comes from within YOU.

 

BEFORE ANY MORE CONTACT, ASK YOURSELF:

 

Do you feel "right in your gut and heart" about this guy?

Do you feel good about YOURSELF when you are talking to him?

Is he clear and honest and direct about HIS intentions when discussing the relationship, or is he expecting you to "spell it all out"? Is he acting emotionally responsible for his own feelings?

Are you just stuck in a "habit" having him in your life so to speak?

Or do you admire, respect, and enjoy him, can be your true self when with him?

Do you know his past? It's a good example of what his future with you will be like, people very seldom "change", can you see yourself building a wonderful life with him?

Can you see him as the father of your children?

Do you accept him just as he is, no "hoping" he'll change eventually, but just will take him exactly as he is?

 

Hopefully if you do enough soul searching about what YOU want and need in a relationship, you will no longer be waiting/wondering what HE wants, that's doing things backwards anyways.. YOU deserve to take the time to find YOURSELF and what is right for YOU first... Once you've asked yourself the questions and HONESTLY answered them, maybe you'll know more about where YOU stand.

 

You are worthy of a loving, kind, honest, mature, straight forward, man who adores you and would never think of playing any games with your precious heart.

[HardShowingAffection]

I would really be careful with your approach here. Have you really focused on where you guys fell short, and addressed those issues within yourself? It is important to realize that whether you were the cause of the situation or not, how you act/react ultimately helps steer your relationship in the direction that it is heading.

 

You also seem to be stirred up quite easily. Almost seems like you still have quite a bit of anger, frustration, and/or resentment built towards him. If that is the case, you need to release that, and forgive him.... for YOU! If you are not willing to move past things in the past, you will probably hold these against him moving forward in the future, and that is not fair to either of you. If you need more time to grow within yourself, to forgive him for what he has done, then by all means, take that time!

 

You do not want to get back in the relationship, have it be great for a short period of time, then fall back into the same ruts that you ended the last one on! You really need to look at yourself and grow here! This is a great opportunity for both of you to grow! Don't rush back into it.

 

Personally, if I were you, I would pick up a few books, and really dig into yourself, and your relationship. Understand both to a much greater extent. Then you will be able to work together as a team to meet one anothers' needs, and make this relationship flourish!