Some input please

[drpt]

Hi everyone!

My first post, but I've been hanging around for a few weeks now.

Anyway, I've got a little dilemma which I was hoping for some feedback on.

Just over a month ago my gf broke up with me after 6 months. Totally out of the blue. No signs whatsoever. No arguments or anything.

The only problem I can think of (which is probably an important link) is the fact that when we first started going out she said she wasn't really ready for a relationship so she wanted to take things slowly. I agreed. Then a few months later it was a different story. She told me she had never thought about having children and getting married until she met me. I was slightly shocked, but started warming to it. I was madly in love with her.

 

Her reason for breaking up was the usual "I see you as a best friend" thing. I asked what the real reason was, but she was persistent that that was the reason. I guess they actually mean it sometimes. She seemed really desperate that we stay friends, but she already knows that I don't stay in touch with exes. I said I'd try and make an exception with her.

I'm 29, she 31, so breaking up is no new thing to me. I started my healing process the next day. I decided NC for a while. The problem is that she started texting me. "Hope ur ok darling" "I miss and love you" etc. I replied now and again, but only in short form. Finally her texting frequency slowed down.

 

Now the problem is that she has some of my things. Mostly clothes etc, but also my digital camera. Now, I'm not a needy person. I don't really care about the clothes. I just wanted my camera back for taking photos at parties and on vacation. I figured it would be best for my healing process to get it back sooner rather than later. So 2 weeks after the breakup I asked her if she could bring it to me. I'd meet her anywhere convenient. "Sure. No problem". The day we arranged came, and early that morning she texts and says she's busy with her essays (she's gone back to school) and not feeling to good, could we meet next week after handing in her essays. I said no problem. Next week came, "I still have 1 essay left and panicking. Could we meet next week sweetheart?". By this time I was thinking it's a bit strange. It's not as if she's writing her essays 24/7, and it would only take her an hour to bring me my camera. "Fine. Let's meet next week". Next week came, "I've got cold sores and can't go out. Can we meet tomorrow?". Now I was getting tired of her last minute cancellations. So I replied that it would be better if she let me know when she was feeling better. Anyway, she's made 2 more cancellations after that again. Still ill, and last it was that she and her best friend had gone on a trip.

The plan now was to meet next week. I think. I didn't reply to her last text. I was thinking that she should just send it to me and stop stringing me along like this.

 

Like I said, I'm not a needy person and I don't really care that much about the stuff. It's just that I'd like to get my camera back sooner rather than later so I wouldn't have to tear up fresh scars. She was the first woman I ever felt really in love with.

At the same time I'd like to talk to her, cause I'd like to get a few things off my chest. Not beg for her back or anything. Just a few last words before I move on.

 

Sorry for the long post. Just needed to get it off my chest. Hope I didn't bore anyone

Any feedback would be much appreciated!

Thanks!

[searching1951]

Maybe she gave your camera to Goodwill? Was it an expesnive camera? (my best ever digicam is a Kodak that I got for $100, and I think that's a lot less than the cost to my nervous system of ever seeing that alcoholic nicotine addicted hag and mercenary * * * * * I used to hang around with)

[AwdreeHpburn]

First off, Welcome!

 

 

right - seems like she's keen on the idea of staying mates but maybe chickens out getting together at the last minute.

 

I guess I would text - e-mail -call, whatever, and tell her you want your stuff back and could she either meet you or arrange other means for you to get it.

 

Sorry for your situation. I hope you get your camera and all this straightened out.

[nicorette]

you should just show up at her house when you know shes home and ask for it. she seems to be playing games. because of cold sores? what the hell, you dont have to kiss. just a 2 minute "heres your stuff" "thanks, bye". thats a lame excuse, dont put up with this. perhaps shes unsure if she wants you back, but you dont wnat somoene who is playing games liek thsi anyhow do you? if she really cared about you she wouldnt be making up excuses. go to her house when you know shes home and ask for it, seh cant make anything up then. or, you could get a friend pick it up or something.

[joyce1412]

i think she's having a problem with finality. she doesn't want to give you your stuff back because giving your stuff back means it's truly over. so this could mean a lot of things, from she's just having a hard time letting go to she thinks she's made a mistake. whatever it means, i actually think it's a good sign for you--she's desperately avoiding the final actions of breaking it off with you.

 

so yeah, why don't you just show up unannounced (this has the added benefit of you being able to look hot without giving her notice to do the same!) be really friendly, get your stuff back, the end. this will make a HUGE statement.

 

can i make a suggestion? try to avoid the relationship talk. if you really need to get some feelings out, write them in a letter and keep it for two weeks before giving it to her. i've done that a few times and have always ended up keeping the letter. why? because although it was nice getting those feelings out, reality set in and i realized that giving this letter full of feeling to someone who was so willing to break my heart would be pointless, and would only make him feel like he had power over me. let's face it, she didn't love you because you always wanted to bring her down with relationship talk. she probably loved you because you were fun and sweet and cool.

 

so show up at her door when she least expects it, and pull the rug out from under her by being the awesome guy she remembers, who isn't letting another person put a damper on his life and spirit. again--by saying little, you make a huge statement.

[babypink61]

I agree with nicorette and joyce1412 that you should find out when she's going to be home and just show up to get the camera back. One of ex-boyfriend had a similar situation with one of his other ex-girlfriend. She owed him $400 and after they broke up she never mentioned it again. She always made excuses that she's having problems financially and that she would pay him back as soon as she gets a job and etc. Well after a year or two he finally got fed up and called her up to arrange a time so that he could go over and pick it up. And he did just that, they didn't talk or anything when he went over, he just basically knocked on the door, got his money, and left.

[LovinIt]

I agree with Joyce. She keeps cancelling, because in her mind, she still has something of yours which she ultimately knows she will have to see you in order to give it back. If she was really done with it, she would have no problem even leaving it on her back porch so you could grab it when she isn't there. So, are you over this??? Do you want to be with her? Either way, I think you should go to her house, and get it yourself, and possibly even ask her why she has kept it so long. If you are done, take your camera, leave and if it makes you feel better I am all for saying what you need to say. You are already going to make yourself seem assertive for not waiting for her anymore, which it sounds like you did in your relationship. Good luck.

[drpt]

Thanks for all the feedback! I was thinking along the same lines. Just show up at her door etc. I was even thinking of just buying a new camera (I've wanted one for a while), and just tell her she could keep the old one. Now that would surprise her!

 

In a way I would like to get back with her. I love her to bits. But at the same time I try not to have any hope. I try to move on and just focus on hobbies and friends.

 

The story continues...

She texted on saturday. At 2am while I was out partying. I hadn't replied to her last text for over a week. She said I shouldn't think she doesn't care because she thinks about me all the time. She wants me to be happy.

If I were sober I would have replied something that might put me more in control, but... I replied that I was never unhappy with her. If she thought I was unhappy, it was because I was unhappy with work.

Suddenly I get a text back saying she wants to meet. She said she wants me to talk to her about my feelings for her (?). I said I didn't want any more bs from her. She said she promised to meet up this time.

I think she means it this time, cause she said again today that she promises to meet up.

 

I suspect she might be playing some game to try and keep me as a friend. You know... Sort of put herself in a better light, so I don't hate her too much for dumping me.

If that's the case, it's my turn to string her along. She aint gonna get any friendship from me without a fight.

 

Thanks again guys! If she doesn't turn up on Wednesday, she'll have me knocking at her door.

[JohnnyTable]

Why string her along? Why not just get your stuff back and get on with your life? She is playing games with you, but she can only do that while you play as well.

 

Whether or not she thinks that you hate her is irrelevant. That is her problem. What matters now is what you feel and what you want to do.

[drpt]

I guess you're right, JohnnyTable.

I guess it was just the devil in me that wanted one last little stab.

 

Anyway my plan is to just get my stuff back, tell her I have no particular need to tell her my feelings about her, and that friendship is not an option.

It's gonna be hard, but it will make me feel better about myself in the way that I will have control over what I want, instead of bending over backwards for what she wants.