The NERVE of him!

[dazzednconfused]

Ok I Thought I Did, Also Im Very Exhausted So THAT IS PROB BY IM TALKIGN SO ANGRY, HEAT OF MOMENT

 

a point that we both failed to address and i am really thinking its true now, because of her actions is I was a Rebound/ security blanket. She had a BF when i met her, what makes me think she would not do the same.( she was having hard times with him for years)

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah, I think I'd rather he dug up the bush that he planted to impress his EX girlfriend and threw it away, and didn't give me any flowers, than give me those. I mean, hadn't you already made it clear to him you didn't want them? Yet he still gave you what you said you didn't want anyway, during what was supposed to be a nice date for you two? Gee...how romantic....

 

Why is he hanging on to the plant he planted as a gesture of love for his EX? More importantly, why is he throwing that gesture in your face when you've made it clear you don't like it (as if you should need to explain that)?

 

Your guy sounds much more than a little passive aggressive to me. This reminds me a lot of a passive aggressive guy I dated who used to babysit his ex girlfriend's cat for her. Even though I have severe cat allergies (much more than just the typical sneezing, watery eyes). He pretended to be completely confused as to why I wasn't ok with the setup. That wasn't his only problem either, by a long shot. I dumped him. It was pretty funny that he begged me to take him back for so long....

[lady00]

I agree with DN. How about you guys both take a break from posting here and just talk to each other face to face? If this relationship is destined to end, you can end things in the proper way, by talking to each other directly and explaining why it isn't working. If you are going to work out the problems you are having, you're going to need to communicate directly, after you've had some time to cool off and collect your thoughts.

[HardShowingAffection]

Wow.... definitely alot of tension, anger, and resentment here in this relationship.

 

First of all, I would not be placing all of the blame on him. You have to realize that while he might not be the perfect partner, you have a very big role in this as well. You are constantly putting him down, displaying anger, blame, etc. This, in turn, is going to cause him to withdraw emotionally from you. If you always are focusing on the negatives, you relationship is going to move in a downward spiral.

 

However, if you recognize the positives that he brings into the relationship, the good gestures, you are going to build one another up and take the relationship in an upward trend. As you build one another up, it is easier to address the issues that are within the relationship. When your 'love bank' is full, it is easier to talk about and resolve some of those issues.

 

It almost seems like no matter what he does, you are going to reem him out, or find something negative about it. How is he ever going to improve if you are always going to be the first to point out where he is wrong? He is going to just get frustrated and withdraw, which in turn will cause you to get more angry and have more resentmet... see the trend?

 

Think about it in the other direction though... you thank him for the rose (even if you don't like where it came from... but who cares.. its a bush, who cares why he initially planted it, it is a kind gesture from him), you have a nice lunch, you give one another a compliment or two. You both walk away feeling positive. Your relationship is moving in a positive direction. After some time of compliments, positive actions, you both feel good. Those little things don't bother you as much, some problems just disappear... others you can talk more about because you are not both on the defensive anymore. You are happier with one another, love is flowing.

 

Regardless of his actions, your actions are going to help steer the relationship. The blame game will get you NOWHERE. If you can't learn to forgive him for past events, why be there anymore? No matter how much he tries (if he does), he will never get anywhere because you will choose to throw all that stuff back in his face.

 

You guys need to talk, communicate, move in a positive direction, otherwise, no matter how much you love one another, you are going to continue this downward spiral until one of you is emotionally drained and can't take anymore.

 

Read a relationship book! Try:

"Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw

"Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks

 

You won't be sorry, they have completely changed my views on things, and if it wasn't too late, it would have turned my relationship around. I promise you that this will help you two out! It is well worth it, and you WILL see a dramatic difference in your relationship!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

First of all, I would not be placing all of the blame on him. You have to realize that while he might not be the perfect partner, you have a very big role in this as well. You are constantly putting him down, displaying anger, blame, etc. This, in turn, is going to cause him to withdraw emotionally from you. If you always are focusing on the negatives, you relationship is going to move in a downward spiral.

It almost seems like no matter what he does, you are going to reem him out, or find something negative about it.

 

Wow! I didn't get all that at all from the one thing she complained about in her post! She has a right to be upset with him for doing what she's complaining about. And she has a right to ask him to stop it, (which she has), and a right to have her feelings about it respected by him, and he should stop the behavior that is upsetting her, (which he hasn't).

[HardShowingAffection]

I understand what you are saying iamteddybear. However, by going to the extent that she is, how is she contributing positvely to the relationship? What positive can possibly come out of how the situation is being handled?

 

I am not justifying his actions in any way. I am just saying that when two negative forces are butting heads... how is something positive going to come out of it? Yes, she does have a right to be upset, angry, frustrated, etc... but how is that going to improve her relationship? It won't. Something has to break that tension, that anger, that resentment, and adding more fuel to the fire isn't the answer, thats all.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well I wouldn't label her a "negative force". She has a right to complain, and my best suggestion as to how to relieve that tension between the two of them would be this: He stops doing the behavior she has asked him to stop. If he won't stop it, then maybe he is a problematic person, and she should dump him and move on to someone who will treat her more respectfully, and not give her reason to be angry.

[heyguys]

so i went to his house yesterday to talk to him in person. i know its very silly and immature to not talk to him in person. and we talk all the time in person. the only reason i post on here is bc i am at work and its the only way i can vent. but i went to his house and its very hard bc when we are together we dont feel like fighting, and we kiss and make up and everything is temporarily patched up. so he said he was sorry about the bush, even tho i do not think he truly understands why the whole thing bothers me. but anyway things are ok for now, i just want to help makes things good forever. i really miss the relationship we used to have. besides the ups and downs i was really in love with him very deeply, and i definitley am still, but with all happenign our love and relationship has been challenged very much and too much anger and bitterness has developed and it hurts me to be so piercing with him sometimes. i dont know, we just need time i guess

[HardShowingAffection]

heyguys... you guys have to make sure you keep those roads of communication open! You need to talk about the things that bother both of you, but do it in a way that you are not attacking one another. You need to work together as a team to build each other up and create that relationship that you both so badly want.

 

Often, when people argue, they get defensive, and they start protecting themselves. This tends to cause more harm than good. You focus on being right rather than the two of you being happy.

 

You cannot sweep all of your frustrations and anger under the rug, because when you get into an argument they tend to seep out and then things get blown out of proportion. Like I said, you can effectively air these frustrations, anger, etc which can build your relationship.

 

If he cares about you, you two can have healthy arguments and you will work towards meeting each others needs. Make sure that those needs are known! Do you know what his needs are? Does he know yours? How can each of you work to make each other truly happy when you don't truly know what it is that would make your partner happy? Communication is key, and being willing to work together to grow!

 

Good Luck!

 

I am not arguing with you iamteddybear, I just think that sometimes one person has to be the 'bigger' person, and complaining and attacking aren't the most effective way to resolve issues that you might have. If one approach isn't working, sometimes you have to try something else that might help you get the results you have been looking for. Just trying to put a different spin on things, as it seems to me that the methods they were using are not getting the results they desire.

[heyguys]

YEAH. i see what teddybear and hardshowing are both saying. trust me i know how important communication, and being respectful about it and calm, just when you are in the situation and youve had just about enough your rationale goes out the window. one of the best things i loved about my bf in the beginning was how we communicated so well. we became best friends, i am not quite sure where things went wrong, and im no dr. phil, but i will take your advice and see what his needs are. i know what mine are and i try to make them clear to him in a nice way, well the first time. thanks everyone for your help and today is alot better than yesterday when i initally posted.

[HardShowingAffection]

Speaking of Dr. Phil.... read his book "Relationship Rescue", it is AMAZING.

[heyguys]

thanks, will do!

[DN]

I think that saying 'she has a right to her feelings and he should stop those behaviours' is all very well if her feelings are justified. In this case maybe they are not because he does say in his other thread that the rose bush she is complaining about died and the roses he gave her came from a replacement bush. So maybe she needs to listen to what he is saying. Maybe he has a right to his feelings and she should stop the behaviours that are upsetting him. Like when she cheated on him. Hopefully that won't occur again but you get the point I am trying to make.

 

Maybe they both need to listen to what each other is saying.

 

Or go their separate ways.

[heyguys]

my bf gave me the roses and has been giving me the roses. he barely found out it was a replacement bush. i guess i made such a big deal about not wanting flowers from a rose bush planted for his ex that he mentioned it to his mom. she said that his dad had replaced it long ago. the point is he didnt know it wasnt the bush he planted for his x anymore, so for all he knew it was her roses still. and by the way, i guess i am hurt that he wouldnt do something sweet or thoughtful as plant me a rose bush. his dad planted it. and my bf never thought of doing one for me regardless of anything so i guess that alone hurts.

[lovecrazy]

If you have so many negative things to say about him, why do you stay with him???

[mystik]

If you have so many negative things to say about him, why do you stay with him???

 

That's exactly what I've been wondering.