Seeing ex this weekend?!?!?

[lawyerboy11]

My ex and I dated about 7-1/2 months. During the last couple of months I got very stressed due to pressures from grad school, buying a new home, and new responsibilities at work. I was tired a lot, stopped exercising (time constraints), and began to take any little comment the wrong way. After 6 weeks or so of this, it got to the point that even when we tried to have a good night, we were both so over-sensitive to everything that we couldn't. So, she called it off. She had decided that she just wasn't the right person for me because she wasn't sensitive enough. She also said that I hadn't really been making her feel that I was attracted to her enough (by initiating). I told her to give me some time to get back on my meds (I suffer from depression) and get through the semester and things would get better again. She was not willing.

 

So, I cried and told her I'd never get over it, etc. and that we couldn't be friends because it would be too hard. For the first couple days I acted like this. Then, I started NC and have only seen her once in 36 days. During that very short conversation we just made small talk.

 

I am supposed to see her this weekend at an alumni function. I have taken the past month to lose 15lbs, read a couple of self-help books, get back on my medication, and generally make myself a better person. I have basically done everything that I ever told her I was going to do. I am at a place now, where I would really like to date her again. I feel that I am in a much better frame of mind.

 

I plan to show up looking good and feeling good. Maybe talk to her for a couple of minutes and then leave early. As long as that goes well, I plan to ask her to go to lunch with me next week. I don't want to scare her away. At the same time, I want her to know that I am attracted to her. So, I don't really know how to act around her. Should I tell her she looks great, or should I just act happy and like I hadn't noticed? The closer this weekend gets, the more nervous I get.

 

Unfortunately, she is the type of person who is very strong and would be hard pressed to change her mind once she's made a decision. I realize that the odds are against me. I even realize that she may show up with someone. But, she is worth the risk to me. Does anyone have any advice about how to approach this weekend? Any advice for breaking NC to ask her to lunch?

 

Thanks,

lawyerboy11

Flower Mound, TX

[HardShowingAffection]

I don't know what you can do to prepare yourself. Seems like you have worked to get yourself back on your feet and take the steps that you needed to take to get YOU back. That is awesome for you.

 

You have to feel good about yourself, and I think that will reflect in the way that you deal with her when you see her. You have to show it! Words won't cut it! It might not happen immediately, but just play it by ear. Keep a smile on your face, feel confident. If it feels right, ask her to lunch, it could open a doorway to a new relationship.

 

You cannot make her want to be there, she has to want it. She probably does not miss the 'old you', with the stress, depression, etc. The important thing is that you have grown. If she sees that, maybe she will give it another go, maybe not, but either way, you are in a better position now... for YOU. It will help you no matter what your future holds.

[rnorth]

Here is my advice and take it for what its worth......

 

If you only take one thing from my post its this: you may not have control over what she says or how she reacts, but YOU DO HAVE CONTROL WITH HOW YOU ACT AND REACT.....

 

Whatever you do, be happy and content with your life when you talk to her. It sounds like you have made great personal strides so you are well armed heading into the weekend.

 

DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP........ if she brings it up, be accomodating, listen and even agreeable.... but steer the conversation away if you can.

 

Instead of focusing on showing your attraction, show interest in her well-being and what she has to say.

 

Do not overstay you welcome. Don't spend your entire time following her around like a puppy dog. Keep some distance and talk to others.

 

Tell her it was great seeing her again and ask her for coffee. Make the "date" a few days out so as to increase the anticipation. If she hems and haws, just make light of it. Say something like, "Oh please, its just coffee! Its not a marriage proposal"....

 

Bottom line is, show "interested detachment". Don't get upset, angry, jealous or any of these emotions in front of her..... even - and this is a hard one - if she brings a date.

 

Remember..........

you may not have control over what she says or how she reacts, but YOU DO HAVE CONTROL WITH HOW YOU ACT AND REACT.....

 

Let us know how it goes..... and take your time. You don't need to rush into getting back together. See it as a new beginning. If you start to see each other on a limited basis here and there, maybe make slight references to the good times you've have together.....

 

Good luck and remember to have fun!!!!!!!!!!

[mikeca]

one thing to keep in mind...the old relationship is Dead & Done, so dont start thinking about reopening old times, you must step into this as a new man seeking new relationship.

[lawyerboy11]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I definitely plan to keep things light and just see how things go. I have some friends that will be there with me so I can sneak out if I start to lose any kind of control over my emotions. I really appreciate your responses and will let everyone know how it went.

 

Lawyerboy11

Flower Mound, TX

[rnorth]

I wouldn't even lose control in front of your friends. Make this weekend about the Alumni Function not the fact that your ex will be there.....

 

Have fun!

[lawyerboy11]

I showed up with my friends about an hour or so after the function got started. She was standing right by where we had to go, but she was talking to some other people. I sat down and talked to some people and was waiting for the right time to go up and talk to her, but she left within an hour. So, basically the night was pretty anticlimactic. I guess one day early this week, probably Tuesday, I will ask her to lunch for Saturday. It seems really awkward to just call out of the blue after 6 weeks of NC. Does anyone have advice about how to do this without it seeming just really weird?

 

Thanks,

lawyerboy11

Flower Mound, TX