Another night....

[Gracelove]

It's another night of dealing with these anti-depressants and rape trauma.

Life is something isn't it, LOL!

Only this time I feel nauseated and saddened to the point of tears.

The weird things is I don't even feel like I'm thinking about anything imparticular.

This is ridiculous.

I'm supposed to go to school tomorrow, but I don't know if I'll be strong enough.

I have severe fear issues when it comes to that place, ridiculous huh?

I'm trying really hard, I don't want to push myself to a breaking point.

I wish I had my own space.

I'm living with my cousin, my parents pay her rent and I stay in one of the rooms.

I love my cousin and she's really sweet, but sometimes...I don't know.

I couldn't go to sleep last night, it was sooo hard.

I finally get to sleep and she comes in and wakes me up early this morning to talk.

She's really sweet, but I think my body is suffering from sleep deprivation, so when I can get sleep I'm glad to get it; i really need it.

Sometimes I think about locking the door, but I don't want to be rude.

Last night she scared the crap out of me!

I'm already on the medicine so I'm a little loopy.

It's 1:49am and she walks in my room.

I didn't hear her enter the room or anything.

She is standing right by the bed.

I saw her out of the corner of my eye and screamed sooo loud.

I didn't know she was there.

Of course I didn't go to sleep anytime soon after that.

I'm struggling to keep myself together you know, and sometimes I need some privacy, but it's hard to get that right now.

If she wakes me up early tomorrow morning I think I'm going to cry.

I feel like..... ....not a good combination.

[itsallgrand]

Hi Gracelove.

- - sending you warm vibes - -

 

I hear you.

Have you spoken to your cousin about the privacy issue?

I understand where you are coming from. When I was going through a particularly tough time, I got set off easily like that too. It's feel difficult to relax at all, even when we logically know we are safe.

It is good you have someone in the house with you. Maybe she doesn't realize how sensitive you are to noise and space right now?

Do you think she might be willing to Announce when she is coming around to you? Like, if she is going to be coming into your room, to wait at the door and knock and say something like "Grace. Hi, it's me, *her name*. Is it okay if I come in?"

 

Just a few thoughts.

I hope you get some good rest soon and are okay.

[Gracelove]

Thanks so much for the sweet reply.

 

I don't think she understands....well, actually I think she may understand a little bit.

 

She is aware of my difficulty sleeping.

 

She says things like my "clock is off". She is referring to my body's sleeping schedule.

 

I don't think she realizes that it's more than that.

 

I might be able to talk to her about it.

 

It's just really hard feeling emotionally, and physically sick, trying to adjust to medicine, and adjust to new surroundings.

 

I'm trying really hard. I don't quite know how I'll tell her without it offending her.

 

I just don't want any bad vibes, ya know.

 

You're right, even though I know I'm in a safe environment, I don't really feel safe. I know in time things will change.

 

Thank you for your support.

 

And thanks for the warm vibes.