No contact the best option right now?

[john1979]

Hi all,

 

I'm really new to this site, but have noticed that the people on here are very helpful and supportive.

 

My ex gf and I had been together for almost four years before splitting up a month ago. We're both in our mid twenties now (she's 24, I'm 26). During the first year things were great, but afterwards things were to be blunt, pretty dull. My career and studies consumed me and unfortunately I did not put as much into our relationship as I should have. My gf did express her concerns and we always talked about it and resolved it. She understood I was very busy with work and was willing to support me until things settled down. She had always loved me with a passion and did a great job of showing it. I always tried to show her I loved her with actions and words, but I could sense it never was enough for her.

 

Earlier this year she started going out more with her friends to the point that I would rarely ever see her. About a month ago she broke up with me because she couldn't ever see me changing. This was at a time when my career was slowing down and I was starting to have more free time to spend with her. I have always treated her well, but know that I didn't always go "the extra mile" to show her my true feelings. She said there is nobody else involved and I believe her. For the first couple of weeks, I did things that I probably shouldn't have. I tried to resolve things with her, told her how much I loved her, dropped off thoughtful gifts, flowers etc. Although I never went overboard, in hindsight I probably should have gone straight to NC. After this initial phase, for a few days I went NC and things were going ok. Then she emailed me (the first contact from her since our breakup) telling me how she had heard I had taken up new hobbies and seemed to be doing well. She also mentioned how she wasn't overly happy with her lack of movin on in lifestyle changes. There was no mention of reconciliation though. I replied to her email, but kept it fairly brief.

 

Here is my question: I really do want to be with her and marry her. I know that she wants her space and doesn't want to be with me right now. Is maintaining NC the best course of action? Or does it make her "forget" about me and move on? Your advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[nicorette]

Or does it make her "forget" about me and move on?

 

of course not.

 

After this initial phase, for a few days I went NC and things were going ok. Then she emailed me (the first contact from her since our breakup) telling me how she had heard I had taken up new hobbies and seemed to be doing well.

 

NC is obvoiusly working, either to make her realize that you are changing, or to move on. theres no way using NC could go wrong. its very hard to do but itll make things better, one way or the other. and from your post she obviously was surprised at the improvements youve been making. keep doing NC. youre doing great.

[asmodai]

Hi mate.

 

I know how you feel- you thought you had a good woman, laid the plans out for the rest of your life then life kicks you in the balls

 

You used the phrase 'go the extra mile for her' and i suspect you think that by fronting up to her and asking for another go will be part of this, but relationships are a 2 way street, has she ever gone the extra mile for you? Do you think this is one of those times where she should make an effort aswell?

 

Best bet is leave it NC for a bit more, then attempt to maintain a friendship, but not a close one. That way she wont forget about you, but she'll have her space.

 

They'res a very over-used saying- if you love something let it go, if it returns to you then its yours forever. Perhaps you need to let her go and hope that she will come back to you.

 

Just my opinion.

[john1979]

thanks both of you. she definitely does a really good job of NC herself which really hurts.

 

asmodai, regarding your question about her going the "extra mile" for me - yes she has many times. she really was good to me and i knew that. it's unfortunate that i never did my absolute best. i think after all my communication after the breakup - she's well aware of my sincere intentions. unfortunately it's too late she says... i don't know how somebody can just shut it off like that.

[asmodai]

Some girls will just plain break ur heart, its a fact of life

 

For instance my best mate (hes my age) had a stroke last year and almost died- was in a coma for 2 days, paralysed down 1 side etc.., and his g/f of almost 4 years left him right after it happened. He never even spoke to her after the stroke - she just left, no phonecall, no letter, while he was still in hospital she just turned up at his parents' house asking for her stuff back and then disappeared.

 

But i hope it works out for you - she might come round given time. Meanwhile keep your eyes open aye

[ShroomzGod]

Some girls will just plain break ur heart, its a fact of life

 

For instance my best mate (hes my age) had a stroke last year and almost died- was in a coma for 2 days, paralysed down 1 side etc.., and his g/f of almost 4 years left him right after it happened. He never even spoke to her after the stroke - she just left, no phonecall, no letter, while he was still in hospital she just turned up at his parents' house asking for her stuff back and then disappeared.

 

But i hope it works out for you - she might come round given time. Meanwhile keep your eyes open aye

 

That's a horrible story

[asmodai]

thankyou shroomz. Unfortunatley it got worse for him. We went to uni together (i'm a scientist, he trained to be a pharmacist) was working 2 years as a pharmacist then this happened and they told him he couldn't go back to work due to the brain damage caused by the stroke. He now works as a security guard as disability payments are nowhere near enough.

 

Plus we're both into cars (we've both got nissan's - hes got a silvia, i've got a skyline) and he also had his licence taken off him, even now technically hes still not allowed to drive but he does.

 

I've been there for him every step of the way but its events like this that just make you question alot of things in life. His ex g/f all i can say is that she is one cold woman. I'd like to say more but this is a public forum.