In a manipulative relationship - dont know what to do...

[magictorch1976]

Hi All

 

I hope you can give me some advice. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do about the bloke that I love so much, (yet I don't know why.)

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. It's been a turbulent relationship with lots of "split up/back together scenario's."

 

I am an easy going kind of bloke and I treat others how i like to be treated. I think about people and I put others before myself. My boyfriend seems to have latched onto this and I cant help but think that I am in a manipulative relationship because of this.

 

If I told you everything, I would be here for hours and hours. Even now, typing this, I have the tight feeling in my chest and my stomach - something that only seems to go away these days when I am asleep.

 

My boyfriend does not make me feel that he loves me. His actions speak louder than his words. Everytime I try and raise an issue about how I am feeling, whether I do it calmly or not, it gets turned around to how he is feeling and that I have to understand that "if something has ****ed me off, then something has probably ****ed him off as well." The discussion/argument about it then usually cumulates in me backing down or apologising when really, I dont feel that I should be and if usually also cumulates in me having to change something. I feel troddon on, totally unrespected and very sad.

 

For example, we were having a discussion a few days ago about something or other. I dont feel that I get anything done for me unless I have to ask for it. THere is no thought there on his part whereas I think about him all the time. If I'm making a drink, I'll offer him one. If he wants a drink, he'll make one for him. We smoke weed (half the problem,) and there is always an argument about who's going to make them. I'll make them 8 times out of 10 first because I dont want that discussion. On Friday, I had been to collect some furniture that he had ordered in my lunch hour. I was told to make my own joints cos he didn't want one and he'd make his later ! I was incredulous.

 

Anyway, the discussion came round to a time about 4 years ago when we had not been long seeing each other. I caught him fooling around on a gay dating site and found out that he had been with someone else. He says it was only ever just a snog but I dont believe that even to this day. Anyway, he was telling me on Friday night that he did it because he had felt unhappy in our relationship. TOday, we just had a row about how he makes me feel and when I said I would do what he did, "because I was unhappy," I got made to feel that it was wrong to even think it !

 

He says I am miserable in the morning. I must make more of an effort to be happy cos it makes him feel like ****. SO yesterday morning, I was all bouncy and happy and this morning HE was a miserable sod. So it's one rule for one and one for another.

 

In fact, here's a list:

 

1. I'm too thin, I need to put on weight.

2. My eyebrows need plucking.

3. I have a spot on my face/nose/arm/chin that I need to squeeze.

4. I think you should paint your living room this colour, (uses words like "well, you do what you want,) if I disagree.

5. Your mom/dad dont know what they are talking about.

6. I'm bored at your house because I have everything at my house that I want, i.e my xbox, my 2 plasma tv's, dvd's etc.

7. I think you should do "this." When I dont conform to "this" then he trys to make me feel like I will be making a huge mistake.

8. I have two cats. He moans about that. One dribbles a bit and you would think it's the most disgusting thing on the planet. He goes all child-like, proclaiming loudly "urrrggggghhhhh, that's disgusting. When I had bad money problems, I was going to have to sell my house. He said if I moved in with him that the cat couldnt come. He didn't understand that after selling everything I had ever worked for, the cat was the one dear thing left with me. He said my mom would have to have it.

9. Money - he accounts for every single penny and puts it on what he calls the "organiser" which is an Excel Spreadsheet.

10. THere's no romance.

11. His TV programes are more important than me. When I have told him this I am told I am being "paranoid" and he wants to be able to watch TV knowing "i am there on the sofa next to him."

12. I was told on Friday night that "saying that bloke is fit," is OK because he has a sex addiction and i'm not allowed to say it because it makes him feel uncomfortable.

 

 

I could go on and on and on and on. I dont feel loved, cared about or wanted. I feel second best in his life. He will try and get out of doing anything unless it's advantageous to him. I help him in his house so much and I dont get any offer of help back. When I say this, I am told that I am playing " * * * for tat," whereas to me, it's just being thoughtful !

 

I put so much into our relationship. I try and make him happy. I do what he wants, I try and put him before me ALL THE WHILE and I cant do it anymore. I feel like **** on his shoe and yet I STILL go running back. He makes me so unhappy. I have detatched my friends, given up smoking, (he didn't want a smoker as a boyfriend, yet if I want him to give up weed, OH NO ! That doesn't happen. I said I was going to replace joint with ciggarettes because I didn't want to be wrecked by weed in the week and I got told that that was not acceptable because "i couldnt be trusted to confine it to just the evenings.") I keep my family at a distance. My mind is never on my work, just on this awful feeling in my stomach and chest that I am with someone that treats me so badly, yet I cannot find the strength to leave. Everytime I do, I miss holding, cuddling, being with him and I dont know why because when I am, all I want to do is run miles and miles.

 

When we split up, his immediate response is not to mourn the relationship but to get out there and create a profile on gay dating sites. This stumps me totally. Makes me feel even more worthless. 5 years and that's how you deal with it.

 

He plays the victim all the time "my foot hurts, will you massage it, will you tickle my feet, can you get me a drink, i've got an itch will you scratch it, i've got stomach ache/headache/fingerache" and of course, I am there for him and I do it, even though my brain is screaming "for ****s sakes."

 

A few weeks ago, well months, he had a bad bout of food poisoning. As he is diabetic (cant do his own injections, needs me to do them for him,) he was sent to hospital outpatients. I got a call in a panic, "i dont know where I am going, can you go on the net and see where I am supposed to go." Will you leave work and be with me as I am scared." etc. etc. I said I couldn't leave right away until my boss had come back from a meeting. When he did, he let me go and I went to the hospital. Sat with him for 2 or 3 hours, got him some magazines on the way in case he was going to be admitted. When it was diagnosed as food poisoning, I left to go home and I said I would meet him at his. Well, he was stuck there for a few more hours and I got a call on the way back saying "will you go to the supermarket and get me some soup ?" When I pointed out that he would be going past the supermarket on the way and I was trying to get a quick sleep cos I was stressed too, I got it laid on about "how ill he was and how uncaring I was." Well, I went anyway, feeling guilty for some unknown reason and when I go there, I was SCARED, ACTUALLY SCARED that I would pick the wrong type of soup.

 

WHen I got back, he was like "how dare you try and make me stop off at the supermarket, i've been in hospital all afternoon, I'm ill." then i was told that I was uncaring for not leaving work immediately I knew to be with him !!

I'm sorry but I have to protect my job and it wasn't life threatening. I was told that was a disgusting attitude to take and we split up for probably about the 30th time.

 

I put so much in and get so little out, and I am always made to feel that i am not quite good enough. I

 

Everytime I ask him to do something "can you get me a drink," then I get eyes rolled at me.

 

I know some of these sound small and pathetic and they probably are but when they are all lumped together, it's a nightmare.

 

He tells me he doesn't need to say please and thank you to me because that's not the way he has been bought up. ERM HELLO, basic social requirment surely ?

 

Anyway, this afternoon, he's stormed off out the house back to his anyway because I raised an issue and he tried to turn it back on me. I refused to let him so "we have to be apart." So I said I'd go out and screw around, (something he did remember because he wasn't "happy,)" and I was told that if I did that his gaydar (dating site,) account would be "reopened within the hour."

 

Whatever I try and say or do, he seems to have the upper hand.

 

Despite all this, I am in love with him but I wish he would change and not be so "me me me." I wish he would send me romantic texts other than "get your sexy * * * in my bed." How about how much he loves me and appreciates me ? I've tried telling him and get told "yeah ok, I will," but he never does.

 

FLowers - I have bought him more flowers. Period fact. I told him this today. All I got was "when did you last buy me flowers ?" Well, I dont know exactly when but I've done it loads.

 

GOD AM I A TOTAL MUG ? I know it's all wrong but I don't know what to do about it. Please help. It's changed me so much and I don't like this person I have become - downtrodden, depressed, wanting to cry all the time. I just put on a brave face, hope it will get better, that tomorrow will bring a change.

 

To top it all, his ex boyfriend still lives in his house. You would think they were still together. My boyfriend controls and speaks to his ex like **** and expects me to go along with it/not defend him. I am scared that if I say anything against what my boyfriend is saying, that I will get the wrap for it. I just agree and go "yes"or"no" even though inside I am screaming that "it's disgusting what's just happened."

 

Oh and he's hit me 3 times. This was because it all just boils up inside me and it explodes in a rage. This rage is not physical in the sense that I try and hit him but I make threats like "if I was big enough, i'd floor you one," knowing full well that I couldn't. The latest time was at a poker game where I was playing with people I didn't know. I'm not that good, I'm just there for fun and if I did something wrong, he would pick it out in front of everyone. When I flew into a rage about that, I got punched. I was hitting inanimate objects (door/sofa arm) etc. I never used to be like that, I don't want to be like that. It's not me - he's changed my whole personality.

 

On the plus side, what has he done for me that's good ? Well, the biggest thing is lending me money when I have needed it, (although it always was lending, never ever, "hey dont worry about that £20/$20") He has supported me though arguments with my parents about money and stuff. What else ? Not very much actually.

 

I feel I am spinning all out of control.

 

Please help me.

 

Jamie.

[Beyondthesea]

Jamie, you sound like you're in such a terribly abusive relationship and I really feel for you. I've been there too. I was also abused physically and very emotionally. As soon as you wrote he has hit you, I shook my head...I completely understand where you are right now. You feel responsible, you feel like if only you would do/not do this or that, he would treat you better, but it's simply not true friend. He will always treat you this way. I'm so sorry.

 

I would write more of a discussion but the in laws are coming, so would you please do something for me? Read this.

 

link removed Go to "articles" then "identifying losers in relationships." Does this sound familiar? If it does, you are in a terribly abusive and manipulative relationship and need to get out.

 

I know how hard it is. I know how hard it is to walk, feeling like you need some sort of validation that this wasn't you. Come here for that, we understand.

 

PM me if you need to chat. I'll be on again later tonight or tomorrow for sure.

 

Hugs to you friend, i've been there too. It was the most exhausting thing I ever did leaving him, and the best decision of my life. I was there for 7 years, hoping he'd change...it never happens.

[Beyondthesea]

So btw my end verdict: leave him once and for all. This isn't the way life has to be Jamie. Life has enough twists and turns without having someone who hates you as a life partner.

 

You really don't need or deserve this. Dust yourself off and move forward...he isn't the one for you, nor will he ever be.

 

When you leave there will be promises of changing, gifts, etc but it's not true. I went back numerous times as well and it was the worst thing I ever did.

 

I know you say you love him, but do you really? You don't even 'like' him or who he is.

 

Trust me, it's time to get out. Start making your plans secretly and get out dear. You are too good for this.

[magictorch1976]

Hi there

 

I read that article today on another website and every single one of the 20 points he either has part or full association with. It was scary reading it.

 

Thanks for your kind words. Thing is I know that it's all wrong, it's just the getting past it. 5 years is a long time to cast self-doubt over yourself and try and feel it's not my fault. Everywhere I look, everything I watch on TV, it all reminds me if you know what I mean.

 

I think I am actually suffering from depression because of it. I'm not bothered about going out, getting up for work is difficult, I have that tight feeling in my chest and stomach of anxiety.

 

All I wanted was an equal relationship, one where I felt important to that person. I am sick of saying something to him and him ignoring me because he is too engrossed in a TV programe. I am sick of getting stoned every night of the week and then expected to be bouncy and happy in the morning when I am knackered. I have to change that apparently ! I'm trying to change my innermost self in order to comply with his wishes and that feels so wrong to me. I want someone I can have a laugh with, talk about my day with, not have to hear all about how his problems affect him all the time. It's not I won't help, but it's at the expense of me because I dont get it in return and that, apparently, is wrong of me to expect.

 

I have a lot to give in a relationship with someone I love and this time, I just feel that I am giving it all. I help him do stuff when he wants me too. I OFFER to do stuff. His mom still does his washing and ironing (he's 32 !) so I offer to do some of that when she's not around, I offer to pick him up from places, I offer my heart on a plate and it's just crushed, I fall in with what he wants to do.

 

Last night, I had my cat on my knee and he told me he was jealous because he wanted me to touch him instead......is this wrong or is it totally wrong ?!

 

He's hooked on material things - "come to my house and see my plasma TV, I've got a convertiable car, blah blah blah." It makes me cringe.

 

He tries to tell me how to dress, what colour to paint my living room and then defs me out when I don't comply. I don't feel I can even choose a colour for my living room ! Because it will go against what he thinks.

 

I'm not the best at relationships - who is. I get angry easily and I shout but it's only because it boils up inside me because I know if I try and talk to him, I won't get co-operation, just "it's you that's wrong to feel that way and what about how you make me feel ?"

 

As for hitting me, well he said he thought I was going to hit him. I'm 9.5 st. He's 15 st. !!! As if. Last time it happened I got thrown to the floor outside his house, had my chin cut (which has scared,) my hands and my arm. Because I was banging on his front door. Apparently, he thought i was going to put my fist through it and "no one damages his stuff."

 

Jamie.

[Beyondthesea]

think I am actually suffering from depression because of it. I'm not bothered about going out, getting up for work is difficult, I have that tight feeling in my chest and stomach of anxiety.

 

Last night, I had my cat on my knee and he told me he was jealous because he wanted me to touch him instead......is this wrong or is it totally wrong ?!

 

Yeah this guy is beyond toxic Jamie. I was the same way, so full of anxiety and so depressed I was suicidal. It's completely mentally and physically exhausting being with someone like that, and it damages you.

 

He lives in your house? Tell him to get out! The next time he has a fit, tell him to get out or you will have the police remove him from the property. Then pack up his stuff for him and leave it outside your front door and have the locks changed pronto. I had to do the same stupid thing. They are like leeches.

 

Sorry I should go, but Jamie really think about what I've said. Getting rid of him will be the best thing you've ever done.

 

God bless and I will check back tomorrow.

[magictorch1976]

Ah he doesn't live in my house. We have separate houses thank god. I would never have been able to live with him. When I was having to sell my house because of debt problems (managed to hold onto it,) it was all "move in with me and i'll look after you but your not bringing your cat." Because he doesn't like the cat ! GGGrrrrrrr !! And me, like a fool was going to do it........

 

Thanks Beyond The Sea...... x

[Lykke 32]

Hi Jamie,

 

ohhhh, it hurts even just to read about it.... Sorry about your situation.

 

I think, you know, what you should do... You should break up with him and go NC. You should completely detache from him. I know, it´s gonna be very difficult, but believe me, in the end you will feel free.... You will feel, like you can breathe again..... This strange feeling around your stomach disappears, you are gonna cry less and less, your constant deppression changes into on and off one and then one day you find yourself smiling again and feeling happy....

 

I see your confusion about the fact, that when he is not there you really miss him, even if you wanna run away on the other hand..... It calls "betrayal bond". It´s working that way, that he treats you bad and then once in a while he treats you good. And it feels great for you, ´cause you hope for that and you believe, that he changes finally.... But then he is back in his element and treats you bad again. That is making you all confused,´cause those swings happens with no particular reasons and he makes you feel, like you must do something wrong (this iniciates the feeling that you are never good enought). So you try the best again and hope for the good treatment again..... And it comes on and off again. It´s really tricky,´cause with the time it makes you feel, like he is the only one, who can make you feel really happy. But it´s only because he treats you so bad in the first place, that even a small nice thing from him seems like a huge act of love to you......That´s what abuser does, he is "programing" you like that. It makes you believe, that he loves you and makes you hope, that he is gonna change in the end. And with time you would do whatever for those small nice things, you call love. But he doesn´t love you, he is using you and abusing you emotionally as well as physically..... I know, it´s really tought to face the truth....

 

You say, you appologize in the situations, when you don´t have to. It´s so typical. Abuser always has some kind of explanation of the particular situation, which makes it all looks like your fault. Those explanations sound very logical. So he inspire you to say sorry and you do it. He iniciate the feeling of guilt and it works. And afterwards you wonder, why you´ve even said sorry....

 

You deserve someone, who is gonna love you back and treat you with respect. You´ve been throught enought with this guy.

 

Take good care of yourself.

[Beyondthesea]

Oh hon, as long as you are living in separate homes do a clean cut. I had my psycho ex living with me, and that is very very hard to get out of.

 

Do a clean break now while you can, and do STRICT no contact. You don't need this kind of life, I guarantee he will never ever change.

[Tigris]

You need to get out of this relationship immediately!

 

My 1st husband 'pushed and pushed and pushed' until I finally cracked. When that happened I had him by the throat with one hand pressed up against the wall with his feet dangling in mid air! When I realised what I was doing I put him down. I don't know who was shocked the most, him or me. I filed for a divorce before one of us killed the other one!

 

You sound like I was before I finally cracked. Please put a stop to this, it's not going to get any better. You deserve a better life that doesn't give you pains in your chest. That happens to be anxiety!

 

Good luck and take care.

[magictorch1976]

Hello

 

Me again. I have had an awful day at work. Had a panic attack going in and found it really hard to physically walk up the stairs into the office. I have never experienced that before. I have been feeling numb all day long, constantly checking my phone, seeing if he had text me. Nothing. I have two cellphones - one is my own and one is a company one. I was texting my boss today about something and there were all these old messages in the inbox from my (ex) boyfriend about how much he loved me.

 

I cant help thinking it's me and maybe I am intolerant to some degree or too needy, (which is what he says,) then I think about what's gone on and I go the other way, i.e. back to "i must not go back." It's horrible.

 

I even felt bad asking for a hug or a kiss when we were together.

 

Then I read and re-read the texts he sent me yesterday. They went as follows:

 

"I dont want to be in a so called relationship with you. You just bring me down to make you feel better. I want my stuff back plus I will sort out your ticket for the concert."

 

I tried calling. We had been having a discussion around the fact that I don't feel he pays me a lot of attention. He has recently got into trouble at work for using his cellphone so he said that he is not able to text me during the day and I should appreciate that. I called him a liar because I knew that he had. He put the phone down. I tried to call back but he kept diverting me so I left him a voice message advising that I was looking through my old cellphone, (I just replaced my phone,) and there were lots of texts from him, all sent "during the day," all about the problems that he was having at work. These texts didn't end with xxx or anything like "i hope you are OK." Last friday I had a problem and I text him at 1:00ish (after collecting HIS furniture - which he did thank me for to be fair,) advising that I had a bad problem with my mortgage payment, (they took it twice, leaving me with no money.) He didn't even bother to respond and only asked me when he detected it in my voice later in the day that I wasn't happy. He said he had been in a meeting, (fair enough,) but I obviously wasn't on his mind.

 

So anyway, after he had listened to the voice message, (which I insinutated he was a liar because he directly denied doing something that I still had evidence to support,) I got another text:

 

"I am not interested in your arguments. You just keep going on, trying to get the upper hand and frankley, I am not that interested in keeping being told it's my fault. Move on. You have made me stop caring."

 

Is there no hope here ? I desperately want him to see my point of view. I haven't contacted him nor did I respond to that text - I just thought "you know what Jamie, you could go on and on and on till you are blue in the face and he won't see it or understand," so I just left it.......

 

Jamie

[Beyondthesea]

Jamie, I'm sorry but there is no hope that he will ever see things from your side. That is what I so desperately wanted with my ex, but no matter what I did or said he didn't get it. Even when he was begging me back he was still explaining how this was all my fault and was very frustrated that I wouldn't cave.

 

It was very hard for me not to have the last word, trying to explain to him his problems, but it isn't worth it. They have such huge issues within themselves, they aren't even normal.

 

Good for you that you are getting away from him. He will never change Jamie, I'm so sorry. I tried so hard for 7 years and was at the point you are at...panic attacks all the time, completely exhausted, mentally drained...none of it is noticed or cared about by them. Times I was really sick, he would be complaining I wasn't looking after him and his issues. Trust me, your situation is all too familiar.

 

You have to be strong now, keeping away from him and doing STRICT no contact. Make sure he has no key to your home, and if he does, change the locks. You may think he is 'tired' of you, but all he's doing is waiting for you to come back begging so he has the upper hand.

 

Soon when he realizes you are gone and not going back panic mode will set in and he will be calling, emailing, texting, sending gifts...do NOT believe it. You have been through all this before, it's not worth the effort. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

Jamie, be proud. You are on your way to a happy, healthy life. There's no reason relationships have to be that much work. If it's right, things are easy. Your partner and you get along well...I've been with my current bf a year and we've never fought. We've had discussions about what was bothering us, but neither of us have EVER yelled or screamed at the other.

 

You are doing the right thing and will need support to keep it up Jamie. Keep back here with us, and do PM me. I can be your break up buddy

 

HUGS!!!!

[magictorch1976]

Thank you. I dont know how to PM someone ! Maybe you can let me know ?

 

I know what you mean about the being sick stuff. When he is ill, it's all about "i'm ill i'm ill, i need a drink, i need this, i need that," When I was ill, I was too scared to ask for caring, (because it never comes naturally,) in case I got "that look," or the "rolled eyes."

 

I cant stop shaking - not madly but from anxiety. He doesnt have a key to the house, I took that back the last time we broke up, (probably number 374 in the 5 years.)

 

I think hate him for how he has made me feel. I dont hate anyone. I keep thinking about all I have put in and how it's been thrown back in my face and how I desperately went on/went back, hoping it would change and that I would feel more valued. I'm so angry with myself for not having the strength to walk away. Then I feel even more despondant about how I let myself be treated like this. I think this is the crux of it - I want him to understand, I want to drill it into him, I want to make him see how downtrodden, derranged, exhausted I feel. And I cant, and that's the most frustrating part.

 

I ask myself, how could I ever say I loved someone so deeply when they have done this to me ? This isn't love, it's a disasterous joke. I think about when he hit me. He says it's because I got angry and raged and screamed but then I think "because you made me like that. I cant express myself in any other way. I try the calm way, I try the sitting down and talking way and it gets so frustrating when whatever you do, it doesn't change the outcome."

 

I feel for the next victim, I'm scared he will diss me even though I tried so hard. I feel walked on, stamped on even. I hate the thought of him being with someone else because he's mine and this was all going to change and we were going to be happy and it's all in total ruin. Feel like running away but I know that's not an option. I want it to be over, gone, out my head, out my heart.

 

It's so frustrating too when you read all the comments on this forum from great people like yourselves and then internet sites, written by professionals that scream at you that you are in the right and STILL, it can't make it better.

 

Jamie.

[Beyondthesea]

Everything you are feeling and saying is completely normal. You are angry and feel used and upset over everything. It's like a revelation occurs from the heavens when you get rid of them for over a few weeks, I swear.

 

I PM'd you.

 

Write down my email and email me.

 

HUGS!

[Tigris]

Go and see a doctor about your anxiety problem. He'll probably take your blood pressure too.

[magictorch1976]

Hey All

 

Well contact was made today. I got a text from him about 4pm saying that he wanted to meet in a neutral place to exchange our stuff. He said that I also had to think about a trip we were going on with friends in July and if I was still going would I consider moving into another room. He then said he didnt mind when I wanted to meet so long as it wasnt in work time and we needed to meet "in the middle."

 

I responded "tonight then please" and also added time and place. He then responded "I cant tonight as I am off out" !!! I also said I wouldnt be going on the trip because he wrecked our relationship so I would have the 50 back I had paid towards the room please.

 

I then got an abusive text back saying I should pay another 43 for the room and that I was the bully for issuing an ultimatum on Sunday. I asked why did he give me a choice about the time for the meet and he didnt respond to that part. I asked him if his housemate was in tonight and he responded "yes, you can leave it all with him after 9pm."

 

Even these texts come accross controlling. He also said "I want the laptop back" Basically, he got a laptop from a work colleague that I was going to buy but it overheats and turns it'self off. So I don't want it. He said to take the 50 off the "laptop I broke."

 

I didn't respond. I will take his stuff after 9 but I feel this wont be the end of it. I just want him gone, far away gone and I dont want to feel this way.

 

How callous, nasty and evil is this guy. What have I done to deserve this treatment. I feel so down and I am trying to be strong but I feel caught up in this evil man's thoughts and I gave all my heart and soul to him and he is treating me like s***.

 

Please help, I feel I am going insane.

 

J.

[Beyondthesea]

Awh Jamie bud,

 

So sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you'll have to deal with this manipulation so long as you are in contact with him.

 

Drop his stuff off tonight and don't stop to chat to his room mate. Drop it off, pick up your things, and don't talk to him again.

 

Unfortunately so long as you are in contact with him, he will always be manipulative and abusive. You know full well this is not your fault.