Affair dragging on, no sexual contact- he's still married- H

[Heatrae]

NEW DAY!!!!! NEW YEAR!!!!!

 

Going into this year with my eyes wide open. I HUGE thank you to all of you who have putt up with my as s ove this past year. I am determined to DO IT this time.

 

It is in my nature to obsess on details liek you'fve pointed out. It is exhausting to say the least, but it is how I am. I told my closest friend on Weds. that the last day of 2003 was the last day I put THAT kind of energy into B and this situation that I really have con control over. That if I am not healing properly or am remotely stuck on him like this next year at this time, I owe it to myself to change jobs. I can't continue on like this, but I definitly have to give it 100% effort NOW to break it off so at the end of the year I can look at myself and say I did everything I could. I dont' wanna force myself to quit my job.

 

Mar: I am + about leaving this situation, but I will admit I am scared. No, I dont' want him to stop feeling for me what he does. I've never been loved like that before. I suppose that over this past year I was always afraid his feelings would diminish and they never did, so that's good. But it doesn't change the fact that he's married to someone else. I always said, "how sad for him. He's in love with me, knows how great we are together and how he feels when I'm part of his life,. yet he chooses to stay with her. At least I have a chance to meet a new love. He won't choose me, nor will he find that hapiness with her. His future is quite bleak"

 

It's quite simple really. I know. So, I will strive to maintain the NO CONTACT rule/program. I WAS doing that all last year and would go for quite sometime w/o knowing ANYTHING about what was going on in his life. Didnt' share anything about me. No calls, no email, etc. I have been successful at it before so I know I can do it again. This time it's for me.

 

Like I said before, before, the no-contact program was to instigate him to leave her....be so miserable w/o me that he HAD to leave her. It really wasn't about me moving on. But now it is, so I think it will be VERY different.

 

I think I DID tell him the truth about himself a bit on our Saturday conversation. I told him that I felt he was waiting for his wife to come home and 'release' him from his situation. When he refuted that, I challenged abck with telling him I thought he was then waiting for that PERFECT moment. I told him he's simply afraid to be the bad and refusing to take change of his life. He wants the women in his life to make decisions for him. It felt pretty damn good to say those things to him.

 

Anyway, I also have to take into consideration that he has so many more distractions than I do that make this all more bearable fro him. I mean, he has a VERY stressful, busy job in the field, two daughters with busy schedules, hobbies and projects he searches for around his house to keep him busy. I have none of that. I sit in an office all day with constant reminders of him: people bringing up his name, wearing his cologne, tons of things. I have no kids to focus on, no husband to fall back on (also none to feel guilty about), I don't do projects around the house- I'm not that handy, etc.

 

So there are distinct differences in how we are coping with this loss. Mine seems far more unbearable since I have nothing to take my attention AWAY from it. I am jealous of him for that. But I am thankful I don't have a husband I"m lying to, sleeping with, being unfaithful to, etc. I live honestly. Thank goodness for that!!!!!

[avman]

Heatrae,

 

GOOD FOR YOU. This will not be an easy journey, but you are wrong when you say you have nothing to fall back on. You have all of us here ready and willing to give you a nudge (or a swift kick if necessary) in the right direction. We will not abandon you!

 

You will make it! You seem like an extremely intelligent woman and I have no doubt that you will heal from this.

 

avman

[Heatrae]

Was thinking again about this CONTACT at work and why it's so cut and dry for me: Over this pat year I've been trying this approach. At first I kept my door closed. I would pass him int he hall and be looking down at paperwork, etc.

 

Eventually, he would stop in and say hello. Ask how I've been and I would have this fake, "I'm OK. How are you?" response to that. IT was excruiating!

 

Work stuff around here can be complex. In this case, he will pop in and say, "what the HELL is the Chief doing? Did you heear about Frank? or say how he's overwhelmed with some bullcrap over in Patrol, etc." That's the hook! I don't think he's doing it on purpose, but as soon as it goes to tthose topics, (mind you we're still in love playing actors at this point) I tell him something logical about how it should be handled. He gives me this, "You're so amazing" look. And so it goes. That's why even business convos are difficult for me.

 

We're never OVER each other so any excuse to be in the same romm together or topic of work crap is just that: an excuse.

 

I hate that I work this way: Can't have ANY conversation with him. Keep myself entirely AWAY. But I can't see any other way to heal. If he's standing in my doorway looking at all beautiful, askign how I am....I'm still connected in some way. Maybe I could move to Iraq or something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Do you see what I'm saying here? Even work convos keep us connected. UGH!

[avman]

Yep, I see exactly what you mean. You'll have to keep your work conversations to strictly what is necessary for business. No "how was your weekend". No "hey this guy is a jerk". Work assignments only. No chit chat at all. As soon as he goes that direction just say "is that all the work related stuff now?". Let him know you recognize when he is going the personal direction.

 

Its not going to be easy. STAY STRONG.

[Heatrae]

Good morning all! It's not such a good morning, but I am trying to be positive. I was quiet and a bit reserved all weekend. Didn't go out at all. I just don't feel up to it.

 

I read books about cheaters and moving on, etc., at the book stores yesterday to build me up. IT works, but it's only a temporary fix. I came into work HOPING there would be an email addressing the New Year email I sent to B last Tuesday, but I received nothing from him.

 

I know I shouldn't have been hoping for anything, but I can't help it. I know he's a miserable guy right now- I mean if I've taken away the thing that gets him by and the thing that makes him happy and sane, he most assuredly is miserable. According to a coworker friend of ours, he hasn't been sleeping much. It's been very busy here at work he tells me.

 

Later today he will be here at 2:30 MST. I could use some reaffirming words from you all about how there's nothing more I can do. He's weak and can't take control, etc. I can read and re-read all the previous posts, I was just hoping for something fresh and new to psur me through the day.

 

I must admit, I am a little saddened he never responded to my new year email. I dont' get that. Thanks everyone.

[Heatrae]

SOmeone kick my as s!!!!! I am contemplating saying something very brief to him when he arrives this afternoon like, "Hey, I didn't mean to upset with you the New Years email. I was being sincere." He would probably come back with, "i just didn't know what u wanted me to say. I was like...i don't get it."

 

I would retort with, "look B, I don't HATE you. I wish you well. I just can't be around you until something changes over there. That's all. It's how my heart works."

 

OK people, I want to say this and I need your opinion. Is this not a good thing to so? I am just dying to know WHY he never responded. Please kick me if I need it.

[Heatrae]

Well, I convinced myself to not say ONE word to him. I don't really see what purpose it would serve. I wanted some kind of reassurance he still loves me or something along those lines.

 

Well, I think we've already established he does and he's a miserable man remaining where he is. I certainly hope he's clear on my feelings and knows I'm sincere- that he's not being dramatic in his head thinking I no loner love or want to be with him. ( I say that because I do that in MY head all the time and he's a lot like me.)

 

Anyway, I had decided to NOT say a word and he happened to pass by my office as I was on the phone. He walked by looking like CRAP. Head down, no smile, no emotions. He passed back by a second time, same sick look on his face. How sad, wouldn't you agree. (you really should see him when he's happy- when he's with me) it makes me a bit sad to see him that way. THEN I remember how SAD I WAS over xmas. Nothing can compare to THAT dispair.

 

Hello? Anyone out there??

[avman]

Hello Heatrae,

 

You're going to get sick of me saying this but NO CONTACT. You are right, it would serve no purpose to say something to him. You need to be moving on and not analyzing his every move to death.

 

So here I am again, giving you the kick that you asked for Do NOT ask him why he didn't respond. Do NOT engage in idle conversation with him. Do NOT analyze his every facial expression looking for a glimmer of hope.

 

I am behind you helping you to STAY STRONG. You are strong. You are worth more.

 

avman

[Heatrae]

Hi Avman. I am glad you are there today. I wrote that last post about feeling good because he looked so crappy and miserable. And then he walked by a third time with other people carrying things and STILL didn't look in.

 

I have two very different feelings about this: 1) he looks sad and is purposely not looking in here either because he's trying to do what I need, or because he doesn't wanna look at me and be reminded of whathe doesnt' have. Him looking like crap like that inspires me to NOT look like crap becasue seeing him like that makes me feel more POWERFUL. Llike he's miserable since I pulled myself out and all he's left with his crap situation at home with NO HEATHER to lean on and make him feel good about him and the world.

 

and then that moment passes for me and turns to this:

2) He looks sad and is ABLE to ignore me. I feel hurt and unimportant, like he's not even phased by all this. This part of me wants to KNOW he's in pain, unhappy and maybe even a little mad at me for being a strong woman.

 

Is possible he does?

[avman]

Remember Heather, I promised you that in the new year I would keep beating the No Contact into you You are still analyzing him to death and that is preventing you from healing.

 

It does not matter what is going on with him right now. You need to be focusing on YOU. On Heather. On what makes Heather feel better. You need to set this man free. Set him free in your heart. Set him free in your mind. Only then will you begin to heal. Until that happens, you are his captive. And its killing you from the inside.

 

I know this is hard but you must stay the course. Let this man go. And be prepared to let him go forever. Continuing to hold on like this only prolongs the agony.

 

BE STRONG

 

avman

[Heatrae]

I will try. Today was my first time seeing him since hte new year. Last I saw him was last Tuesday when he came in to see if I go thte email with the pictures. I sent the NEW YEAR email and he never responded. So, today was the first sighting. Trying to get thru the day.

 

I shouldn't CARE if he looks sad and crappy (doesnt' mean he's doing anything), but I can honestly say it's so much better than if he were laughing and carrying on. I will NOT let him see me sad. I simply cannot. I will become the six foot actres of the century.

 

You watch!

[avman]

YOU GO GIRL!

[smickey]

Hey Heatrae,

 

Keep going girl! You are doing great. I know how you are feeling right now - it's so hard but at least you know that if you can keep it up each day will get easier and easier.

 

Just keep yourself busy and distracted and occupy your mind with things about yourself not him.

 

You seem to me to be an incredibly strong and determined person and it's great to read how well you are doing. (it's helping me too with my situation so thank you for that - I now feel that if you can do it then so can I and it keeps me going whenever I think I am going to slip and contact him).

 

Enjoy the rest of your day

[Heatrae]

Smickey,

 

You stay strong too. I wrote in my journal last night as well. Yesterday was filled with mixed emotions, all of which I wrote about on here. As I was sriving home I was VERY tempted to text page B with a cute message about his angeled sideburns. He knows I love them that way and right now he had been growing them out for me.

 

They are perfect. I was gonna write something clever to his pager about them, but i didn't. I went to sleep and awoke today thinking: YOU DID IT. YOU GOT THRU ALL THOSE URGES TO CONTACT.

 

Now it's Tuesday and all I have to do is get through 3p-5p MST. I will go home after that and then I don't have to SEE or hear him until next Monday.

 

I feel OK today. TIme will tell how the day goes. It was just so sad for us yesterday. To see us, we just look so miserable trying to keep our distance so we can heal. Niether one of us wants it this way, but he knows it's not good for his marriage, nor is it good for me, so until he's free, this is how it has to be.

 

You should see us. We really look pathetic.

[juno]

Im happy to see that u are finally taking the steps to become a dignified person.

Your story reminds me of my own ordeal two years ago.

Yes! its completely normal to be tempted to to contact him but that would stop your healing process. I remenber once i was walking by her house when suddenly was unable to breathe for some minutes cause an intese pain in my chest. The momories really hurt terribly.

 

Im sure its going to be more difficult for you since you two work together. Try to avoid any thoughts about him no matter what reason causes them, that will stop consecuent actions that you may regret later.

 

Be ready to go through a strong emotional cocktail, from anger to sadness, from sadness to anger, some moments of calmness followed by depression, anger again... on and on.. till you get better.

 

Keep strong and you´ll become powerful, your self-steem will become solid rock. Stand up if you fall, you'll have many moments of weakness, but dont surrender. Luck.

[smickey]

Thanks for that. I'm trying that's for sure. Just been to see the doctor and he thinks I am getting better so that's made me feel good already today. Still have at least another 4 months on the tablets though.

 

Do you find that keeping a journal helps you? I've thought about doing that just to have another outlet for my feelings but didn't know whether actually sitting down and thinking about it and writing things down would help or whether it would just remind me about it all again.

 

I haven't heard from him since xmas now and haven't contacted him although I've lost count of the number of times I've thought about it. I know he is just waiting for me to arrive over there now thinking that we will be able to see each other there because that's what we decided before he left.

 

You are doing great by the way!

[Heatrae]

Yesterday was day 6 of the No Contact program and I thought I would share with you my experience. I have mixed feeling about an interaction that occurred between B and I, and want to present it here:

 

I have had no 'contact ' with him since our big talk on Saturday, 12/27. There was that little issue of him sending me the photos last Tuesday and me sending him the N.Y. email to which he didn't not repsond, but I have never spoken to him since then. NOr did I break down and call to ask why he didn't respond to my email. I just let it go. Ignorned him MOnday this week as well.

 

Yesterday, an employee and B came into my office to discuss a work issue. HE looked like CRAP! While in here, he would't make eye contact with me during the discussion. He was participating, but keeping his head down, or looking out the window over my head. OK, so an order of protection was lost and it was falling on his shoulders. The 3-way convo ended after about 15 minutes. They both left. B was in a very pissy mood.

 

I had the followup info and walked it over to his office. When I walked in, he was sitting with his head down, listening to 'our' latest song. He was visibly mad and crappy. I laid the pw down and commented on the Sgt who I thought had the information, etc...He was very angry/sad about whatever. He broke a pen in half while I was standing there writing down some additonal information. I didn't say a word and I left the building.

 

30 mins later he came to my office and said, "john had the order of protection in his car!!!" I told himthat was good and now everyone can relax. Turned and looked at my computer.

Then he looked at the picture of me with my father and made some comments about meeting my dad. I kept on my computer. Then he started rambling about the coworker who last the pw. I couldnt help but laugh it was relly funny. When I looked up from laughing, he was tanding there with this, "oh I miss seeing you smile, laugh. you just made my day" look on his face. I said nothing and then told him, "stop it."

 

He got very quiet, I turned to my computer again and he was very serious he said: "what was that email about? Sounds to me you're packing up and going somewhere."

 

"What are you talking about. I was just trying to say happy new year. thats all. I don't know WHY would think I was moving."

 

"I don't know. it was just weird. I don't know what tp make of it. SOmetimes I dont' understand you. You say too much."

 

"Well, B, I thought you always understood me. ALl I was saying was to have a good year. I really do wish you well. It wasn't anything like, 'HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU"RE NOT WITH ME, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR CRAPPY LIFE', I was being sincere. That's all. I just didnt' want it to go by ignored, that's all. Xmas came and went and it was lik eit never happened. We didn't acknowledge it to each other. We didn't even wish each other a merry xmas, so I didn't want N Y to go ignored. that's all."

 

he said, "why wish each other a merry xmas, heather?"

 

"because I would be wishing one for you."

 

he said in a very SERIOUS tone staring at me, "but was it?!"

 

quietly I said, "no, no it wasn't"

 

"No, it f-ing wasn't, so why say it?!" and he just stared at me like he'd had the most miserable xmas of his life.

 

I simply said, " look, I would wish you a good year. I was being sincere. Thre was nothing implied, you knowme better than that. I dont' take jabs."

 

"Well, you're the only woman who doesn't. I do know you. I know. It's just NOT going to be a good year, so why bother even saying it."

ANd he looked down at his feet.

 

He sounded so pathetic and irritated. I was holding myself together, being stoic.

 

I sat there quietly not knowing what to say, not wanting to get INTO anything. He brought this up, I was trying to be as simple as I could without talking about our SITUATION, missing him ,etc.

 

But it was obvious to me the email made him think I was MOVING or something. I never asked him WHY he never responded and maybe that bothered him. He has seen me here a few times since the saturday talk and I have done the no contact. I think he expected me to ask him about the email.

Here he was standing in my doorway lookling like a 10 year old boy who just lost his favorite puppy. He looks sick to his stomach and has a scowl on his face. He stood there staring at me after he said, "so why bother, it's not going to be a good year either, heather."

 

Just staring at me. I said nothing. HE quietly said, "I will talk to you later" and left the building.

 

Without me putting my thought about it down right now, i think i'd rather hear what you all have to say. Where would he get the idea I was packing up? That was bizarre. And I hoep I handled it well.

 

In the past when he has been like that, I have folded and expounded my reactions to include things like, "it was the worst, I miss you so much. You dont 'HAVE to have a bad year. Make changes, etc"

 

I did nothing like that. I am wondering his motives here (not like he's leaving his wife or something) but sometimes, no all the time, I'm blind to what he's doing. Any thoughts. Thanks team!!!!

[crookster_man]

Long time no post eh? Just thought I would drop a line and a prayer of support. You know where I stand on this situation. I wish you the best of luck in everything, may this year be your year.

[smickey]

Not sure Heatrae, maybe he thought your NY email was some kind of goodbye and since you see each other all the time to say goodbye would mean that you were leaving. But it was more of an emotional goodbye - or rather a good luck for the year ahead.

 

I think he is just confused and hurting and not expecting you to be as strong as you are being - ie stronger than him. He is probably just waiting for you to give in as you have before and each day you don't is a little harder for him to take.

 

But unless you are a mind reader you will never be able to figure out exactly what he is thinking so it's probably best not to waste your energies trying, and focus them on yourself instead. He's taking it hard and he's hurting but so are you and that's what you have to worry about right now.

 

Hope this helps. You are doing great - it must be extremely difficult, but I guess stumbling and breaking the no contact thing and then having to start all over again would be much worse.

[Heatrae]

Day 15 of the No Contact Program. He's really feeling it. I am fighting many urges and I am growing increasingly weak. Mostly because a coiuple of the men I went on dates with made me feel objectified and 'unsafe.' Not in a fear for my life kind of way, just that they are not concerned with ME or my well-being. Made me feel really crappy and paranoid.

 

This past Monday I was in the no-contact zone. B passed by my office and stopped in. He was mad about a very business-like email I had sent last wee. He thought it was too impersonal. Christ, what does he expect. I warned him this is how I would have to be.

 

Anyway, after trying to make me feel guilty, I assured him I was being business, and again there was nothing CADDY in the email. He said he doesn't like and doesn't understand why it affects him this way. I explained to him that everything I DON'T say to him will upset him bnecause we are not together the way he wants so he will be reading into everything I say and don't say. He proceeded to tell me how much he misses talking with me, how much he misses me. He says he 'talks' to me all the time when he's alone.

 

Later, he came in again. Made a work comment, stared at me, I sat there quietly, then he blurted out "I LOVE YOU, HEATHER!" He looked so sick. My heart started pounding and I broke. Tears came out a little and I said it back. ANd then I reminded him this in tears: B, you just have so many more distractions. You have this job, the kids, all the chores you do over there. I have none of that. You don't HAVE to think about this all the time."

 

He told me he realizes this and wish I COULD be in his shoes to see what THAT is like (he was being nice, not nasty.)

 

I told him, "this is just how it's going to be, B. Until you get some strength. I'm not calling you a coward, but you have no strength."

 

"I know, I know. I am at my breaking point, Heather. I am. Last night I was at that point and then THIS place [work]. I know there has to something better a better life for me. I just don't...." hung his head down. I assured him there IS something better out there. You have to make things happen for yourself.

 

He stood staring at me, I stared back, our eyes filled with small tears. But there was no mention of what his PLAN was. I told him to have a good shift.

 

I cannot have him thinking we are going to be buddies nor that he can tell me he's DOING SOMETHING and not follow thru after telling me I LOVE YOU the way he is doing.

 

I came in the next day and he was friendly, coming in here. I was un emotive. He told me about these flowers outside the building he wanted me to see/smell as they wre so fragrant. He was very mystical about this.

 

For some reason I was MAD that he was checking in with me to see how I was. He was nice. I was more irritated and short knowing I am in the no-contct mode. He was nice and concerned about me. Before I left for the day, I backed up our day-earlier convo with a very brief email: I've heard every word you've ever said to me, B. and yes, a life of "something better" DOES exist. I am right here and I love you, but you have to follow through." (AGAIN my point being for him to follow thru with what he says he wants or leave me alone.)

 

I returned yesterday to find this repsonse to the email (I wasn't expecting a response anyway) it said: "I hear you, it's just not that easy for me to go do that to my kids." I was surprised to get the response. Why doesn't he just say, "I can't do it, Heather." or something more definitive the OTHER way, "I hear you, I am going to follow through, I am preparing the girls, it won't be easy." or something. He is always RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

 

At any rate, I have not responded to the email. DOn't think that I will. It never ceases to amaze me that this man can be so miserable, reaching his 'breaking points' as he calls them, and stay where he is.

 

I am dating others, meeting new people, but as you can see the NO CONTACT program is tough to follow due to work and him popping in here. God knows I'm not calling him or initiating this LOVE stuff that is coming from him. I finally told him on that Monday with tears in my eyes after he told me how much he loves me, "I know, B. and I hate seeing you like this, but you have to do something to help yourself cuz I can't help you or be with you until you do. It's just that simple."

 

Am I losing round here, Friends? I'm trying, I really am. What is HAPPENING!!!!

[crookster_man]

Your on the right path, just keep it up. The first few weeks are always the hardest, this will get easier as time passes. I've said this once and I'll say it again, do you really want to be with someone who has no backbone, no ambition and no courage? This guy can't take control of his own life how will he ever be a good partner to you?

 

Don't forget that the next time you get emotional about his absense.

[digitaldiva]

**SHUDDERS**

[Heatrae]

Digital DIva....what do you mean by your post?

[Heatrae]

i'm back. Two days ago while still on the program, he came into my office when no one was here. For 2.5 hours he talked to me about what he's going through. He covered so many angles of his situation and I let it rip a couple times about how he's been doing nothing and shouldn't tell me he's doing something when he's not.

 

I got a lot off my chest. I said things to him that I have been saying to my girlfriends about his indecisiveness. It felt good to get that out. He is disgusted with himself because he is struggling so much with what to do and how to do it, when in all other areas of his life, he's extremely decisive. He admitted he doesn't like himself because of this 'weakness' of not being strong enough to leave her.

 

He said he and the wife are not FIGHTING all the time. They don't scream and they are just existing. He is very used to the status quo over there and does realize his kids would bounce back.

 

I also told him AGAIN why I can't be involved with him and he said he understands, but that he realizes he's in the same situation as he was in a year ago. He's mad that his situation hasn't improved and that he's been a coward to take steps to change it either way. I told him how much pain he's put me thru by not fixing his marriage and leaving me alone, or leaving the marriage to start anew. He understands that now.

 

I have NEVER had this involved a comversation about this with him. It lasted 2.5 hours uninterrupted. He said we've been sancing around the issue and it was time we talked about it. We were very honest about everything. He admitted that things at home are not THAT bad (as you have all told me here) but that he knows his quality of life would improve if he was with me.

 

He left the office after this lengthy talk and then returned an hour later. I was poised for some huge revelation as he closed the door. He never does that.

 

Instead, he grabbed me, wrapped himself around me and took me in. He was holding me so hard and slowly rocking back and forth. I got emotional and said as he was looking into my eyes, nose to nose, "Can you live with out me, B" and he looked into me and said, "No...no I can't. I cannot live without you, Heather." So I looked back at him and told him, "you have to believe."

 

He held me for about 10 more minutes. It was very surreal. I didn't understand what exactly was happening there, but he was very deliberate.

 

During the convo he had asked me, "what do you want me to do?" I refused to answer the question. Later in the convo he was talking about how to bring it up to her and asked me how to do it. I gave him generic responses, but also assured him the wife will NEVER make a suggestion to spllit becasue she too is too scared to be on her own. Told him they are having convos in circles praying the other person will make the suggestion. I told him he needs to take control of the situation and not rely on her to do it.

 

So much for no contact. I was doing my part. But I am not kickign him out of my office either. Like I think when he comes through, "THIS IS THE TIME, this is the day he tells me something."

 

I feel like I"m failing yet I feel I learned some things from that exchange. Am I all messed up???

[avman]

Heatrae I promised to smack you if you drifted off course.

 

*SMACK*

 

Nothing has changed. He hasn't done a thing. Just more empty words, more empty promises. Anything to woo you back so he can have both his wife and you. Even if he left his wife - WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT THIS MAN? *shakes head*

 

Heatrae, DO NOT TALK TO THIS GUY ANYMORE. I don't care what he says. I don't care what he does. You DO need to kick him out of your office. You just seem to keep holding on to that hope that he will do something, instead of letting him go and healing. And thats going to kill you.

 

Let go

Let go

Let go

 

avman