LDR in the military??

[bebecole]

im Very new to this forum and i read over some of everyone advice and i figured sumone can help me out..

is anyone or has anyone been in a military LDR??

if you have or even if you havent maybe you can give me some advice..

 

we've been together for a little over 2yrs.. we were together 6months before he left to start a career in the military.. so most of our relationship has been long distance.. everything was fine until about 5 months ago.. when he approached me about a "break." it was very unexpected and i wasnted expecting it.. before that he was deployed for 6months and our only source of communcation was emial. the reason he claimed the break was for because our relationship was getting stressful because of his duty to the military(understandable) then he proceeds to say that i have a lack communication skills and i dont talk to him enough about our relationship & ect.. which is hard enough because of deployments and we have little time to talk.. i told him id try hard and i did..

it comes down to the last 5months where hes just loosing intrest.. we have small talk on aim.. and thats about it.. he calls only a few times a month barely when i know that hes not even busy.. he claims that he falls asleep early but thats not the case b/c my friend has called him to say hello and he answers, but not when i call..

 

im not sure if i should approach him about his lost of interst..

or if i should just break it off with him..

im worried if their is someone else.. even if their was i dont think he would tell me anyway...

 

i want to say somthing but i dont want to nag or sound jealous.

any ideaS???

[coollady1957]

I am not military but I thought I would reply anyway. The only way you are going to find out what you need to know is to go ahead and talk with him and let him know of your concerns.

 

Ask him where does he see your relationship going and if he wants to be with you long term. Ask him to tell you if there is some one else, and to be up front and honest. It will be best if you know the truth if there is another woman.

 

My son is in the military, and I have heard him say that a lot of the soldiers have difficulty in maintaining LDR's. They are certainly under alot of stress, and there are times when they do not have time to write, call and communicate. Sometimes they are doing the best that they can with the time they have. I think it is difficult to have a serious conversation about issues through chat messengers.

 

You need to get the "low down" from him so to speak so that you can either work on this relationship or else move on with your life. Hopefully you will get a time where you can have a serious talk with him.

[bebecole]

thankss. the only problem is that i have tried to talk to him about it and he said that we would talk when we would see each other again.. and i saw him last weekend and he didnt mention anything..

i told him over instant messenger that i didnt want to get my hopes up on anything in the future and i asked about the future if were gona be together.. he bassically tries to change the topic simply because he doesnt want to talk about it.. he response to my question when i asked him about the future was "i cant promise anything"

i dont want to feel like im waiting for sumthing thats not going to be their..

ofcouse i still love him.. and i want some closure if he doesnt want a relationship..

But i cant even get a staight answer out of him.. its like he just doesnt care enough to call to even see how i am..

i know that the military is stressfull but hes not deployed hes on base and he works a regular day and goes bak to his apartment and hangs out..

 

so have appoached him about this before in the past, he never wanted to talk about it so i gave him his space for a while..

hes been "igorning" my calls for the past week since i left him a message about how we need to talk about stuff.. the last time we talked we got into a little argument and he hasnt called me since..

i dont know if i should continue to call or just ignore him and wait for him to come to me..

what do u think>???

[coollady1957]

After having read your last post, it certainly sounds like he is losing interest, or that there may be some one else as you had mentioned earlier. Since he dodges the conversation, tends to ignore you messages and calls, there is certainly something up.

 

I know you said you love him, but honestly I feel it might be time for you to move on if he refuses to discuss the relationship with you. You can't sit around for sure, putting your life on hold, and waiting to see what he decides he is going to want out of life and the relationship.

 

I am only telling you what I would do if I were in your shoes. Ultimately the choice is yours. Think about whether or not you are willing to wait it out, or whether you feel it will be in your best interest to move on.

[bebecole]

thanks.. i do love him but i love myself more. and its not fair to me to wait for someone who doesnt want me..

i do want to move on, but its hard for me to move on when i dont know his real feelings.

his actions are hot and cold.. one minute he wants me to come to visit him and he says that he misses me.. and the other minute hes shady and wont answer my calls.

realisitically i need to move on and i want too.. but its hard to let go knowing that he still might have feelings for me.. but i dont want to wait around to see if he changes...

[GEMMACHURCH]

I recently broke up with a guy who is in the army. We were only together for a few months, and he broke it off with me because he knew i really liked him and he didnt think i would be able to handle him being away so much. We got back together, it was very romantic at first, but after spending time with him it all became less romantic and i realised that we werent really very suited to each other anyway. I know we wouldnt have survived him going away but i realise after spending more time with him, that I am young haev my life ahead and should be enjoying myself. It does sound a bit selfish but i think you are right, you do have to love yourself more. My ex had a very hard exterior, he said it was the way he had to be with his job. At first I thought it was wrong of me to want something more gentle and honest in a person..........but i think its not wrong to go for what you really want and not to suffer for second best. I think this is how you feel to?

 

Hope this helps at all

 

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[Roxari]

I used to be in the military. My latest relationship was with a military man. We dated for almost a year then he moved away and we dated for 5 months long distance. When they come to you about a break. It's over.

Personally, I believe that you should never have to take a break from someone you love. Plain and simple. When it comes to the military, there are A LOT of stresses on relationships. Men get crazy when it comes to deployments. Some of them run scared before, some run during and some freak out when they get back.

 

You have to cut your ties and move on. I know easier said than done BELIEVE ME.

 

Who cares what his feelings are? He obviously could care less about yours. Look out for yourself. Implement No Contact. No calls, texts, e-mails nothing. Get out and do something for yourself. Make the changes to move forward.

[ReadyorNot]

I was with my now husband for 5 years before he decided to join the military (Canadian Airforce).... Before he left he asked me to marry him and we started to plan our wedding... everything was fantastic while he was off at bootcamp.. he loved me so much, missed me so much.. came home every weekend to see me (except for the first 4 when they are confined to barracks)...

 

Then he went off to Borden Ontario to await training.. he was going to be on PAT (sitting around doing nothing because there was already so many people on PAT) for 5 months...... He still came home every weekend and things were great.. then he had the opportunity to go to Trenton to do some on the job training.. but he applied to be closer to me.... he was only a 45min drive from me.... thats when things changed...

 

He told me he didnt think we should get married.... he stopped coming home, told me he wanted to spend time with his friends on base.. he stopped phoning saying it was annoying to have to call me EVERY day... eventually we broke up... 3 months before our wedding.... FYI, the wedding would have been in one week!!!!!

 

I didnt know if he was seeing someone else but whatever.... he swears to me there was no one else.... anyway..... 4 weeks later he came back... we talked and talked and talked... I am still hurt by what he did... cancelling my dream wedding and being such a jerk but we have worked through everything else... we had a civil ceremony 4 weeks ago and next week we get the keys to our house (military housing) and I will be moving to Borden...

 

The military deffinitely changes them... I thought it had changed my man for the better and then he pulled this stunt... he said he got all freaked out.... Try and talk to your man... if he wont budge, then break up with him.... he may realize what he lost and come back to you...

[bebecole]

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[bebecole]

thanks everyone for the advice..

readyornot thanks to and u are right people in the military change.. he denies it.. but its the truth.. also alot of my friends say leave him and he will realize what he has lost..

i would just love to know why he lost intrest and stop phoning me.. i really cant think of a legit reason, besides he talking to someone else but i dont really thats the reason... ive never done anything to hurt him and ive been their for him since day 1 when he left..

a few days before he told me he wanted a break he told me he was glad that i was in his life and that i was their for him...

 

i think it wud be best for me to move on but i dont know how to tell him..

when ever we talk he turn things around and he plays "the blame game"

and thinks everything is my fault.. he acually conveinces himself that he hasnt done anything wrong.. thats why it is so diffcult for me to talk to him..

[coollady1957]

Maybe you should just tell him that you need more direction in your life other than just getting the usual " I cant promise you anything" from him.

 

Tell him that you must move on with your life, instead of waiting for his head to "get right" on things for the future. As you said before, what if you try and wait it out and you end up getting completely dumped by him ,Then you might feel you will have wasted so much time that you could have been working on your own life.

 

I understand its difficult to part with some one you have feelings for, but it seems obvious that his feelings are not deep enough to make a commitment with you long term. In my opinion it is time for you to live YOUR life.

[jchan]

Being a member myself, I can tell you one thing readyornot. Some people change some people don't change. But him being a Private Awaiting Training, things are quite different for him, he's stuck on base, he's got nothing to do, cept to hit a couple of beers, and not do much aside from going to Barrie. He may have had second thoughts, e.g. deployment fears, or he may have thoughts such as how things might be hard for the both of you: him being away from home, the fear of possible fallout due to the fact that there is stress, and distance issues.

 

But yes, if the guy's unreasonable, you don't need that drama. Love requires two people to work it out, and it's quite hard to accomplish that if one doesn't want to put the work into it.

 

Bebecool, you don't need to tell him anything to move on. Just do it, you don't need to worry about him. You need to take care of the most important person. Yourself.

 

stay strong and take care

 

Ps. readyornot. Send me a PM. I'm going to Borden in a couple of weeks for training for the rest of the summer. I'd like to know how things are with you and your SO

[friscodj]

I was in the military and I can tell you I was shocked at how many people had been married, divorced, married again, etc. The divorce rate in the military is just astronomical. Out of say 10 people I knew, maybe 8 of them either had been divorced or were in the process of getting divorced. I saw a lot of infidelity going on too. It was a big reason why I left.

 

The military is a tough life when two people are physically together let alone having a LDR.

[bebecole]

thanks everyone.. it helps alot when some of you had personal experiences in the military as well.. alot of the girls that i know that have husbans in the military experienced infidelity..jchan im gona take your advice and not say anything and try and move on.. i honestly think trying to talk to him about it will make it harder for me.. i dont want to consume my mind with this.

its a upseting situation to be in, but i really do know that im strong enough to get through it.. but its just extremly disappointing, knowing that he wanted to marry me and spend forever with me.. and those feelings disapeared praticially over night..

thanks again for all the advice.

[friscodj]

but its just extremly disappointing, knowing that he wanted to marry me and spend forever with me.. and those feelings disapeared praticially over night..

 

If this is the case...my guess is he met someone else...

[bebecole]

If this is the case...my guess is he met someone else...

 

he never came out and told me he been with someone else and he told me he wouldnt do that b/c he doesnt trust other people and he doesnt want too..

i mean thats what he sed to me.. im not sure if hes been with someone else, im not gona beat myself up about him being with someone else b/c its not like hes gona tell me rite??? lol

but it has crossed my mind before, but all i can do is hope for the best..

BUUTT

if i did find out their was sumone else, if have to put in my 2cents and give him hell..

[friscodj]

When I say he met someone else, that doesn't mean he did anything with her. He may just have the idea of pursuing something with her in his head, which could be what is going on...

 

Just knowing there are other women where he is at right now available and showing interest might have shifted his focus away from having a relationship with you...

[bebecole]

yeh thats true.

i would acually think he would do somthing with a female then pursue some type of relationship with someone else.

i think his problem is that he is scared of having a relationship with anyone.

hes never had a real relationship besides me for the main reason he doesnt want to get hurt..

if that was the case i would want it to be known, instead of him not returning my calls.

their has to be sumthing else going on that hes not mentioning.