How do YOU cope with your S.O.'s persistent ex? A bit long.

[alyira]

Heh, from the looks of it, I'm not the only one around here with this problem. I feel a lil less embarrassed now.

 

I've been dating this wonderful, amazing boy for 3 months. He is affectionate, loves to communicate, attentive, honest, committed, basically all the good stuff I have been looking for.

 

We met online when he was already in a relationship. I know some of you will frown at this, but, in his defense, he told me right from the start, so I was in no way deceived. But still, it was cool, we had a lot in common and it was fun talking; no awkward moments, the flow of conversation was always relaxed and natural. We both had had our big bad long term crappy relationships that we had learned and grown from, both were huge closet case geeks, both loved healthy lifestyles, had eerily similar views on religion and politics, actually we both even have the same university major (he went to a diff uni 45 mins away from mine).

 

After about two weeks of talking (one week consisted of March break), we both realized that we were spending literally ALL day talking online to one another, and we were both always anxiously looking forward to when the other would sign online. Well crap. He was the first to acknowledge it, and I agreed that I felt the same as well. However, we were both respectful to him being in a relationship (a good sign was that he didn't bad talk his ex ever) and dropped it there. Eventually we did get on the topic of his relationship with this girl, lets call her A, and he said he wasn't sure what to do with it. He said they made awesome friends, but they didn't work together in a relationship. The main reason they were together at the moment was because he had broken up with her in November and she had become very depressed, solitary, upset and withdrawn (she doesnt make friends easy and is a loner), he hated to see her like that and took her back. At this point he stopped believing in those "perfect relationships" where couples always just seem so happy and in love, so he decided a relationship with A was as good as any. I listened sympathetically and was still impressed by his integrity. A lot of guys in blah relationships will * * * * * nonstop about their gf's to garner sympathy and to lure you in, but he always spoke of her respectfully and compassionately, though not lovingly.

 

So we continued on talking for awhile, about every day stuff, games, politics, etc, and falling for each other worse while trying to ignore it. Eventually, when A called him one night, he broke up with her after a lot of thinking about it, which surprised me because he had never spoken of him thinking of breaking up with her.

 

From that point, as to be expected, things kept growing between us..we started talking on the phone, in fact he spent most of his money on phone cards to call me, he talked to me on webcam constantly, and even his friends said he babbled about me nonstop. We let it develop pretty naturally, from friendship to courting. Then we met face to face, and things really blossomed. We were officially together shortly after, and have been one big mushtastic love story ever since.

 

However....*dum dum dum* his ex. Won't. Go. Away. I KNOW he is committed to me, plans around me, loves me. He actually had an apt down in my city and was going to move here in May until he found out the uni here wouldnt transfer his credits. So he is willing to sacrifice a lot for what we have. After a lot of thinking, we decided I'd move up there come end of summer. A little fast? Perhaps, but we both see it as being mutually beneficial for both of us.

 

But still, there is this ex. She emails him asking him to go out to movies with her, she IM's him constantly when he's at my house asking if he's having fun and when he'll be back. He replies sometimes, sometimes not. She calls him. A month ago, I found out he was doing his laundry at her house and calling her occasionally, and will admit I was MAAAAAD. And hurt. He apologized when he realized how much it hurt me, but didnt understand why as he says he sees her as a friend. He feels bad for dumping her because she has no friends and no one to talk to and hang out with. He didnt believe me that it was obvious she still wanted him until she called him and he let her know he'd be moving to my city within a few days (when he had still planned on it), and she freaked out at him, yelling and saying she hoped he enjoyed throwing his life away. He said he'd break contact with her after that, and didn't. He says she didn't do anything wrong to garner being erased from his life.

 

I've been the ex gf in this exact same situation, and I know it sucks. For the first month, I was sympathetic and understanding and understood her neediness and even her showing up at his dorm when she knew I was visiting, but as time goes on and me and him make plans together, it grates on my nerves. I will NOT tolerate her calling our place when we move in together, no more than I would allow my ex's to call there either. And I know her constant IM'ing will annoy me. I am probably the one horribly at fault here, I know, because my bf wouldn't betray me and this poor girl is obviously lonely and pining for him, but still..the whole thing just frustrates me. How does everyone else cope with ex's who won't go away?

[thursday]

Hm that sounds painful.. for the three of you actually..

 

Well your bf did the right thing breaking up with her in the end, but now it's really time for him and his ex to cut contact completely!

 

You should advise this girl to sign in here and post about her problem. She really needs support, this board is great for these kind of situations and she really is welcome.

 

Anyway, you should stay calm with the fact she's still contacting him. He's not taking her back or anything. It's just an annoying situation. Your bf should realise things won't work out for all of you if he doesn't go into No Contact with her!

 

Things will get better for sure!

[alyira]

Initially, yes, when I realized they still hung out (he lives an hour and a half away from me atm, hence I'm moving up there), I freaked. After reassurance and a lot of talking, it has been downgraded to an annoying uncomfortable situation for me.

 

And I agree, I think it it will just be painful for everyone involved. She will never get over him if she keeps contacting him (been there and done that..NC is HARD to do, but makes things so easy on you later). I am going to keep feeling a bit squeemish as long as shes in the picture, and he's going to be stuck in the middle. It bothers me that he has said "Alright, its done, I have nothing more to do with her", and then admitted he still lets her call him. The issue is, how to get him to see that? In his view, cutting off contact is unfair because shes done nothing to deserve that, and some of his friends hang with her brother who he gets along with well, blah blah blah. And I'm not saying she has done anything horribly bad. It's just plain EASIER that way.

 

It's a touchy issue with him now because I brought it up a lot when I found out the laundry and calling thing was happening...how would I calmly explain "Honey, cutting off contact with your ex will make everyones lives easier" without seeming like a control freak?

 

I agree she needs support, though I have yet to meet her face to face (I avoided her when she showed up at the dorm..I understood why she showed up, but didnt necessarily feel the need to meet her). I don't think shes much of a net user though, aside from MSN. I feel bad she has isolated herself like my bf has told me...however...she needs to find someone else to lean on besides him.

 

I know things will get better! I just hate these little dips in the ol' love rollercoaster that we all have to go through.

[thursday]

Hm..

 

You could tell him something in the lines of:

I know you really care about her and such, but lately I started feeling quite uncomfortable with this situation and am wondering how long this is yet going to take? Can't you see she really is not getting better by contacting you? If you really do want the best for her I think maybe you should tell her not to call you again. I'm not telling you this because I'm jealous or anything, but I am also concerned about her just as you are and I don't want this situation to interfere with our relationship. Besides you might give her false hope by answering her calls & that will tear her down even more than if you would just be honest with her and tell her there's no chance of getting back together ever. Why don't you tell her to sign on this forum I've been on lately I'm sure there will be lots of people able to give her advice in order for her to start dealing with her problem..

 

You might have tried that though..

 

Otherwise, contact her by MSN and just be as honest as you can be. (I would go for the first option because your bf has a greater influence on her of course..)

 

Good luck!

[alyira]

Thanks so much! You actually put into words a lot of what I want to say. I will bring it up to him sometime soon and with any luck he will understand. I don't think I'd contact her by MSN, because I don't think she'd be the friendliest towards me...apparently she is famous for giving death glares to girls that even looked at him when they were together, heh. So hopefully I can talk him into dealing with her. I will let you know how THAT goes.

[Aschleigh]

I actually just asked my boyfriend to stop any contact with his ex. She calls, IMs, text messeges him. It hurts that he won't stop this when it hurts me so much.

He said he would stop unless it was neceesary. It will never be necesarry to talk to his ex in my opinion. We'll see how it plays out.

Always good to ask for what you need. Even if you don't get it, it shows what kind of person, what kind of girlfriend you are. And it will show you what kind of boyfriend you have too. Good Luck.

[alyira]

I never did update this, sorry to resurrect it from the dead. We did resolve this issue after a wonderful talk, and he cut off contact with her. She didn't take it very well (he showed me a very angry email she sent the day he told her he was cutting off contact).

 

I feel relieved, and am glad we resolved something thats often not easy and a touchy issue for couples. She has also been seeing someone since a bit before my bf cut off contact with her, so I'm happy that she's moving on. Hopefully now she can heal up, and this was a good practice for communicating on difficult issues. And once again, whenever me and him go through and resolve something together, we end up being even more lovey and appreciative of each other, so good for all involved in the end