Significant Improvement

[searching1951]

Maybe it's because I've been through this before and made all the mistakes and took forever to get over my divorce, but this time (only a 4 year relationship, though the last 2 are really what count..it's complicated and sordid) I am feeling better after only 3 months out, and 2 months of total NC.

 

Here's what I have learned:

 

(1) Absolutely avoid any and all depressants, aka, alcohol. One glass of red will make me depressed in the morning, 2 will make me suicidal. If you are depressed think back..have you had alcohol in the past 24 hours? I bet 9/10 times the answer is yes. Also, avoid smoking. The nicotine will reduce anxiety during the smoke..but you'll get whacked in 24 hours. They say nicotine is worse than alcohol..I can feel its effects 72 hours later (I only smoked a few cigs in the morning).

 

(2) Get good sleep... losing sleep is just like alcohol. In fact, that's what alcohol does. 2 glasses of wine and I wake up at 2 AM. It is remarkable how well you can sleep going through this sort of thing..it becomes a safe place, while awkeneing becomes reentry into a nightmare.

 

(3) Get good exercise. Reduces anxiety and helps sleep. Natural endorphins are properly processed by the body, not external drugs.

 

(4) ABSOLUTE NC!!! Under all circumstances. No exceptions. I won't drum this one since half the posts in here say it. You won't begin to heal until you go NC. Contact is a form of stalking. You may be "stalking" in subtle ways, e.g., I would visit her website and check the hitcounter, etc. These are ways your brain tricks you into maintaining the dead relationship. They are bad habits and must be stopped.

 

(5) Define your house/home/apartment as your safe-zone. This means, of course, that you can't be living with your ex. But it also means that you should cultivate a warm fuzzy feeling when you go home.

 

(6) Don't fear lonliness..it is your friend now. Think of yourself as an injured cat. Seek out a quiet place to be alone and heal. Being with friends and partying is a distraction..like alchohol, but I find that the healing happens when you are alone and make peace with it. Read up on codependency

(I recommend link removed) and work on your inner self..99% of this pain is coming from there, not from that damnable useless ex.

 

(7) Get your mind off of it by playing mental challenge games. I play online chess..it was the first thing I could do that sustained thoughts other than ex for 5 or more minutes. Freecell, or any other such thing would help. You have to train your battered brain away from obsession. If you can concentrate well enough tor read a good book, then you'll have no trouble with obsession. I simply couldn't do that at first. I also find that long drives help and I carry on a conversation with myself, where my "external" self plays the role of a therapist. This can be quite therapeutic. I formulated a mantra with my "therapist": She is gione from my life forever;

I will not contact her again; she will never enter my life again.

Repeat the matra 5 times as many times a day as you can. It tends

to stop the negative thoughts for a while.

 

A sign of recovery is the first time you feel an inner lift of joy, however shortlived..or the first time you can start to concentrate on something like a math problem, or a good read. I still have AM anxiety but its much better now. Within the past week things lifted, and I am now going long stretches without thinking about her. All of this happened within the past week.

It accelerates quickly.

 

(8) Don't fear relapses..work through them..they are usually short lived. They are your brain testing the mental environment.

 

I believe those of you who are having really long recoveries (longer than half the duration of your short relationship, or longer than a year in your long one) are stuck somewhere, probably on (1). I cannot emphasize the importance of substance avoidance. By heavily drinking I locked myself into an 8 year ecovery from a 17 year marriage.

 

Good luck...I will see you on the beach.

[pablovblack]

Thanks for that, it was a pleasure to read.

[Cute Band Rat]

Searching, thank you very much for these tips...the substance avoidance is SO important. I was drinking loads of wine..and feeling crappy the next day....though it got me through the night before. I'm also doing strict NC (started yesterday) yeah not very long but we all have to start at day 1, no?

 

I will read this post often as encouragement

[hpsowce]

My friends all told me the best way to get over a woman is to go and get as drunk as you can as often as you can, well i took their advice 3 nights after the break up and you know what? I have never in my life felt as low and depressed as I did the whole day after. The following night when I was starting to get back to normal I swore I would not touch another drop!!!

[Cade]

searching1951: word.....

[pedro]

Excellent read and thanks for your advice!