Older but wiser??? (Perhaps not)

[Momene]

I like to think my experience in life can halp some of the younger people on this board. I've had problems getting dates in the past, I've been through a divorce, been dumped by a girl I was planning to marry, sufferred health problems, low self esteem and career problems, so I've been through it and I'm still here and only drink in moderation. In fact, I'd say life is better than it has been in the last 2.5 years.

 

BUT...

 

The problems of my teens, 20s, 30s and 40s, now seem to be replaced by those of the 50s, like:

 

1. My wife and I are both more needy and clingy than average, although I wouldn't say obsessively so. However, my wife has become more distant and although things have improved, she still chooses to spend large amounts of time on the net instead of with me. NOTE: I'm not usually on here when she's around

 

2. As my wife is more distant, I've become more dependent on our daughter for company but she's growing up and leading more of her own life

 

3. Many (most?) men's reaction would be to go out for a few beers but we're financially challenged and nearly lost the house recently and there's just NOT the money to go out and socialise

 

4. I'm having to work harder and spend more time away from home on business, not being able to take vacation (and even if I could, there's no money to travel anywhere). I wouldn't mind so much if there was a promotion at the end of it

 

5. Not able to have sex as much as 20/30 years ago and not as interested anyway

 

I'm not saying life's all bad and I'm about to top myself but it seems every era in life has it's challenges.

[princessdi75]

Momene, you were giving me advice in one of my threads regarding my boyfriend with his VERY low self-esteem. You seem to really understand his feelings. I was just wondering if you could explain low-self esteem to me and how it affected your life...I just can't seem to understand why my boyfriend treats himself like crap and pushes me away when he does. Then after he's done pushing me away he acts like I'm the greatest person in the world and I feel like we couldn't be closer...it's all so confusing, and I think you might understand his behavior....

[Dako]

Momene

 

You seem lonely.

 

You bring up some good observations, as always.

Midlife has challenges that you can see coming for years but don't really feel until they hit like a herd of turtles. My experience with it is somewhat different, but the atmosphere is similar. It sucks when life becomes a treadmill and you find little to excite you.

I've recently found some joy I never expected, rediscovered old pleasures and have some hope of a good future. I never expected these things, especially after my wife left. I make every effort to spend time with friends. Without a few laughs with them, I'd pull the plug.

 

It's not over.

[AwdreeHpburn]

good reply post Dako.

 

Momene, what I am getting from this thread is we are who were are no matter our age. Just gives me pause to think...the time to make the changes of things I don't like are now or I will be repeating the same behaviours forever...

 

Plus, I've never been a believer that older people are wise simply because they're older.

 

But Dako - "hit like a herd of turtles" ?????? lol

[Momene]

I think the same problems follow us through life and the only thing that changes (hopefully) is how we learn to deal with them.

 

I know personally that I've been dealing with the same self-esteem issues for 3 decades now. I honestly don't think they will ever go away, but I do think I've gotten better at handling it and knowing what works for me.

 

From your post, I would imagine that being needy / clingy is something you'd had a problem with before? You probably know best what works, or maybe what doesn't work, in fixing it or the relationship.

 

Anyway, best of luck to you.

 

I think I have got better and handling most things, although new issues always seem to crop up.

 

The needy/clingy/independent balance was horribly wrong in my first marriage. Apart from extremes, anyone who's at the clingy end of "normal" or the independent end of "normal" is OK, as long as their partner is at the same point. For most of my marriage my wife has been the more clingy one but it hasn't been a BIG problem because we weren't too far apart.

 

I hit problems 2 years ago which caused my wife to withdraw, so it's put the boot on the other foot. It just added to the problems I had at the time. The balance is back a bit now but it's not as good as 2/3 years ago.

[Momene]

Momene, you were giving me advice in one of my threads regarding my boyfriend with his VERY low self-esteem. You seem to really understand his feelings. I was just wondering if you could explain low-self esteem to me and how it affected your life...I just can't seem to understand why my boyfriend treats himself like crap and pushes me away when he does. Then after he's done pushing me away he acts like I'm the greatest person in the world and I feel like we couldn't be closer...it's all so confusing, and I think you might understand his behavior....

 

How low self esteem has affected me is as follows:

 

1. I'm naturally quite brainy, especially at maths and science but, despite this, haven't managed to progress far in my career. In fact I was in a higher position 22 years ago than I am now. I think most of it is personality and I don't seem to have much influence at work or feel valued. So I blame myself for lack of success in my "day" job

 

2. I could never "pull" when I was younger and didn't have sex until I was 20. This made me feel ugly and unattractive. I grabbed the first chance of marriage I had, believing it was that or I'd spend the rest of my life on the shelf. Of course I married the wrong person and when my first wife left, I thought (wrongly) that I'd be on my own for the rest of my life

 

3. Being short of money makes me feel inadequate, especially as I feel it's related to #1

 

4. I don't have any close friends

 

5. My biggest fear is that when they announce the results of the human race, I'll be listed under "also ran"

 

6. I'm bald, grey, overweight and have a big nose. See #2

 

7. 2 years ago I was suffering health problems and living under daily threat of redundancy

 

Well, yes, I've overcome these issues to SOME extent. I might not be the best husband in the world but I'm sure I'm in the top 5% of dads. I might be a failure in my "day job" but my part-time writing's going well. OK, so many girls think I'm ugly but if I was single, I feel confident I could find a girlfriend within a year because enough girls find me attractive enough to date.

[Momene]

Momene

 

You seem lonely.

 

You bring up some good observations, as always.

Midlife has challenges that you can see coming for years but don't really feel until they hit like a herd of turtles. My experience with it is somewhat different, but the atmosphere is similar. It sucks when life becomes a treadmill and you find little to excite you.

I've recently found some joy I never expected, rediscovered old pleasures and have some hope of a good future. I never expected these things, especially after my wife left. I make every effort to spend time with friends. Without a few laughs with them, I'd pull the plug.

 

It's not over.

 

Yes, I AM lonely. My social opportunities are limited through work commitments and lack of money.

[Momene]

good reply post Dako.

 

Momene, what I am getting from this thread is we are who were are no matter our age. Just gives me pause to think...the time to make the changes of things I don't like are now or I will be repeating the same behaviours forever...

 

Plus, I've never been a believer that older people are wise simply because they're older.

 

But Dako - "hit like a herd of turtles" ?????? lol

 

Where age helps is that you've more experience to fall back on. If I make changes that don't affect other people, I usually just do them. However, some changes I've made or am trying to make involve renogiating relationship bhoundaries at home and work and I usually meet with a lot of resistance.

 

My herd of turtles came 2 years ago when I was threatened with redundancy, had health problems and my wife suddenly withdrew from me overnight.