My story

[slimyshady]

Firstly I'd like to thank Kellbell and Superdave When things got depressing i read their posts.....

 

Anyways my gf and I broke up last wk... awful. I am lucky I read this forum and kinda got myself together... I went through alot of pain and suffering. Yesterday (after one wk) we went out together for a drink well things started awfully with us arguing and such.... But we finally cooled down and went for a drink... There we talked about stuff (nothing really) and things went well... I brought her home where we talked a bit (outside her house I did not go in) I realised that she is very confused and depressed over things and she said she needed sometime for herself.. So I told her she should figure herself out first... Then maybe she'd realise if I am important to her ... She was sad saying she wld probably regret this and hope she doesn't realise all this too late... So I told her to find herself and told her this was not our final goodbye. We smiled, hugged and I turned and left... Trust me that was one of the most difficult things to do in life.. But I am glad I did not break down in front of her ( I did after I left and was alone) I am glad I handled this like a man.... We are in the same class in college and a while back she came over to chat a bit... But I am trying to keep contact to a minimum... I am quite confident we will get back together ( ok more like I hope)

 

what do u guys think?

[HardShowingAffection]

How long were you two together? What were some of your reasons for the break-up?

 

It is good to have a positive attitude, as you are trying to have. I guess from what I know of your post, I would suggest the following.

 

Look back at your relationship. All of the good things, all of the bad things. Now look at those bad things... the things that were lacking. How did your actions feed those negatives? If she blew up on you, how did you react? Did you get defensive? If so, your actions were contributing to the distance that was growing between you. Through reading, talking to other, and exploring myself, I have a much better understanding of myself and my past relationship.

 

It wasn't until this break-up that I seriously sat back and really evaluated myself and my actions. It wasn't until then that I understood that even though I might have been mearly re-acting to a situation, it was feeding distructive habits and leading us down a path that was undesirable for both of us.

 

I would recommend reading a few books. Do it for you. Take this opportunity to learn about yourself, and relationships in general. No one ever taught you the ins and outs of being in a relationship. Unfortunately for most of us, it is live and learn.

 

I can bet you that if you read one of these books, your views on alot of things would change. Is it worth your time? You decide, but it is probably one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Here are the two books I would recommend to get yourself started:

 

"Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendricks

"Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw

 

Good luck! Stay positive, and focus on YOU right now! Grow as a person, remember the good, and learn from the bad!

[slimyshady]

Hey thanks for the reply!

 

I appreciate any comments.. Well the reasons for the break up was that she felt the was no more spark in the relationship and she doesn't feel the same way anymore.... I feel this is because about 1.5 months back she started a part time job which took up all her time, made her irritable and stressed all the time ( the same pt our relationship dived) well I think we both made mistakes and I told her as long as we are willing to learn and move together there is hope... We were together almost 8 months.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am so sorry to read about your break-up. I too, am wondering how long you dated and why you both broke up.

 

Some of things she said are quite common, the need to find herself, wanting to be on her own, fix her issues. I do not want to sound cynical but those reasons are trite and in a lot cases means she does not want a relationship with you. I know with my boyfriend, if something is bothering me, when I am depressed, or if I have an issue with something, he is the first person I call. He is the first person I want to be with. He is the first I call for advice, I want us to work as a team. I would do the same thing for him. The LAST thing in the world I want is to be away from him during my darkest hours.

 

But she can have her time to herself and perhaps evaluate her life. Perhaps you want to do the same. Reflect on what you brought into the relationship, good and bad. What you could have done different. Maybe set a timeline in your head. You cannot wait around for someone forever. Life is too short. But I would do very low contact and perhaps NC for the time being. How are you both going to get better if you keep contacting one another and then aruging?

 

I truly hope things work out and that you feel better real soon. Keep talking to us here. We are here to help and listen. Hang in there, okay?

[SuperDave71]

Slimshady,

 

 

Thank you for the compliment...I hope all is well.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[slimyshady]

Yeah for the moment I am not going to contct her.... I don't see a point... Well I do hope things work out... Honestly I don't see anything I can do to make things better... She has to see it for herself. If not, well I guess, nothing can be done... The best story of my life would have been over.... But then again * * * * happens

[slimyshady]

Yesterday she came over after class to talk to me while I was on my way out.. We talked and laughed a bit (abt nothing) I kept my distance ..... NO babies or I love yous etc... Then I had to go.. I made it an effort NOT to call or msg.... Absense makes the heart grow fonder... If it it she'll come back to me... If not well, there is nothing I can do bout that right?

[kellbell]

It is funny that a person will break up with his/her partner, feed all these reasons ("I want to be alone, I want to see what's out there, I need to find myself") but meanwhile he/she will talk to the ex like nothing has happened. I for one, feel it is very selfish. Perhaps the person is not melicious about being selfish but nonetheless, it is selfish.

 

Shady, you do not have to make nice with her, talk to her, or anything. It is up to you but you are not obligated to be friends with her or anything of the sort. Hang in there and let me know how you are doing.

[slimyshady]

well, i stupidly broke NC and things got no where.... she feels lonely etc but she feels it won't work out anymore... So i simply told her DO NOT CALL ME unless you want me to take you back. but how do i maintain NC? it is so difficult. She will call... I see her in school. And yes how do i know if she is calling to try to work things out or because she is lonely?

 

Guys?

[SuperDave71]

Slim,

 

It only needs 2 words.... self-control.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[HardShowingAffection]

If she does call, you have to be open and honest in the communications. You don't want to be her doormat, you know what you want.

 

Take this time to work on yourself. Look into yourself and find the things that pushed her away, and things within yourself that you can improve upon. You would not want to get back together with her, and then fall into the same ruts.... trust me, it happened to me.

 

It takes two to make or break a relationship. Your actions weigh just as heavily as hers, thereforeeee you need to know how to act/react to every decision you make within the relationship. Learn about you... I cannot stress that enough

 

I was able to accomplish this through reading, and I cannot say enough about that, and it has made me grow as a person tremendously. Take a good look at yourself, and even though you may think that you are 'just fine', trust me when I say that reading things from a different perspective will open your eyes!

[slimyshady]

yea thanks guys,

 

I did a lot of self reflection and yes I am willing to change the negative things.... It takes two to tango so I see that... the things is, I am very sure she would call just to say hi or quite simply hear my voice... what do I do then?