Saw the ex last night....your advice is greatly appreciated

[permasmile]

Hello all. I would love to hear peoples insight on my situation.

 

My girlfriend and I broke up last week after close to 4 years of being together. She initiated it, although I agreed that things had turned somewhat sour. We didn't fight or anything, but the romance seemed to have fizzled. The spark just wasn't there. I believe this was partially due to a lack of time being spent together, but nonetheless I understand why she took this route. To be honest, as soon as we broke up, I thought to myself that I could get her back. As odd as it may sound, when we were together there was a certain amount of tension between us as we sensed something wasn't quite right. As soon as we broke up, I felt the tension ease. As though the pressure of the relationship has been relieved, and it allowed us to be more natural around each other.

 

I waited for her to contact me, and we went out last night. In my head I saw us hanging out and her regaining an attraction for me. I guess I assumed that we would talk about "us", although I made sure not to bring it up. Anyways, we hung out and had a good night. There was really no awkwardness and plenty of laughs. However, no mention of "us" was made and besides mild flirtation, it was a friendly evening.

 

Right now I am in a certain amount of pain, but I think it is the feeling of rejection that is getting to me. I want her to feel for me again, even though I know the relationship wasn't perfect the way it was. I also can't stand the thought of her pursuing other guys. Not that this is happening, but obviously the possibility is there.

 

I realize most here will suggest NC, but in this case I am not sure it is the best route. She did make mention that something could happen again between us when we broke up, and I know that this is genuine. However, although I had a good time last night, I feel a certain amount of disappointment. What is weird is that I didn't even feel that attracted to her. No gazing at her thinking how she is the "one" or anything. But I still feel hurt at times. I think it is more from rejection rather than from truly missing her. That may sound a little cold, but it is the truth.

 

Any suggestions as to how to proceed? I still plan on hanging out with her from time to time, and not talking about the relationship or appearing to want her back. I am not calling her daily (in fact I have not called since the bu) and plan on acting somewhat aloof and as though I am content no matter what. I want to go out and have fun with her, but I wish this feeling of wanting her to want me back would pass. I think I am challenging myself to win her back, even if I understand things were not great. Don't get me wrong, she is an amazing person. I have a great level of respect for her and I care for her greatly. Our relationship had many amazing times. I would love to have those back, but the past 6 months or so had been stagnant.

 

Anyways, I really just want to be able to go through the day without letting this situation consume me. I am spending far too much time thinking about it and I do not believe it is healthy.

 

Sorry to babble!! Any thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[Scotcha]

I've felt the same as you before except it was me who ended the relationship.

 

Regardless, I wanted him to want me, I didn't want him to move on and be with someone else, but at the same time I really had no true desire to be with him.

 

The emotions are selfish but then, how you feel can't really be helped. You just have to work through it and they will pass in time. I think the best thing you can do is realize that acting on your current feelings wouldn't be the right thing to do.

 

Also, rejection hurts no matter what. But honestly, judging by what you've posted you both deserve a different relationship.

[pablovblack]

I feel for you man.

[permasmile]

I've felt the same as you before except it was me who ended the relationship.

 

Regardless, I wanted him to want me, I didn't want him to move on and be with someone else, but at the same time I really had no true desire to be with him.

 

The emotions are selfish but then, how you feel can't really be helped. You just have to work through it and they will pass in time. I think the best thing you can do is realize that acting on your current feelings wouldn't be the right thing to do.

 

Also, rejection hurts no matter what. But honestly, judging by what you've posted you both deserve a different relationship.

 

Thanks for your input. I think we never really "worked" on our relationship. We both got somewhat lazy and it lost its spark. There is a side of me that wishes we gave it another try. We had some great times, and I can see us together again, but it can't be automatic. Since she initiated the BU, I think the rejection is what is driving me to want to win her back. I really should focus on the fact I was not happy with the relationship as it was, and realize that in reality she needs to "win" me back as well.

 

Has anyone successfully remained friends after a breakup? This girl is such a fabulous person on the inside. She has her head on straight and has a good moral grounding. She is someone I want to keep in my life.

 

I suppose the idea of time healing fits in here. I am struggling with rejection and some hurt; which time will heal. Time may also heal our relationship, the key word being "may". I need to find a way to spend time with her and consider her only a friend....no thoughts of trying to win her back and see what happens.

 

Any other input is much appreciated.

[kickedwhereithurts]

 

Has anyone successfully remained friends after a breakup?

Any other input is much appreciated.

 

Yup, and was quite easy as long as your able to accept the situation of your split in the first place along with the fact that they will start dating others....also bring into the equation that they like you as a person even after your split....emotional maturitity has a big part to play also.

 

If you have all 3 and your ex isnt into playing games, then potential is there.

Having said that, we also "weened" ourselves off each other, but still kept in touch.....it got to a point of me having to ask her to stop contacting me in one of my last relationships as it was making my (then) GF jelous at the time.

I now talk to her again after that, maybe only every 6 - 12 months though now, but its good to be able to laugh and joke with each other about our failed relationships with others!

[permasmile]

Thanks kicked. Right now the biggest difference is not talking to her everyday. Obviously "friends" don't do this but I do hope to keep her in my life more than infrequent contact.

 

Do you guys think it is ok to hang out so soon after the BU? Or is it best to allow time to pass?

[blender]

Everything you are feeling is so normal, you were together for four years, and that is a long time, now you can step back and get to know "yourself" again, without being defined as a "couple" and this is a great opportunity to be kind and respectful towards each other.

 

I wouldn't spend too much time together, because right now you are having so many "feelings" the good news is you are mature enough to be asking the right questions of yourself, and now is one of those time that it is so important to make choices based on the "facts" not the "feelings".

 

The fact is you were together for a long time, things were feeling "not right" and you felt a "relief" when the relationship was broken up.. these are all signs, gut instincts, that for now, maybe just for now, you both need time and space.

 

This could be the greatest thing that happens to you as individuals and/or as a couple, and maybe both.

 

If you take this time to rediscover YOU, and she does the same and THEN you both choose to be together? Well, that will be amazing,

 

If you choose NOT to be together after some time on your own, than that is what is amazing as well, because you didn't invest anymore of yourselves in a "long term, routine, just the way it is", relationship...

 

This break up is an "opportunity" for better things, together or apart. I know the rejection you are feeling is painful at times, but it's not about YOU, it's a phase in her life she "needs" (maybe not even wants) to go through and that is very important if you are ever to build a strong, long lasting relationship, and it's also most valuable to take this time to build individual independence.

 

Independence is soooo important to have as we get older and make choices about who we share our time, hearts and souls with.. as doubtful and fearful as you may be about her "moving on" think of all this as living in the "truth" and it will set both of you "free" even if you are together again.. it will be better for having had this time..

 

You seem like a thoughtful, mature guy, and being this honest with yourself will lead to your success, in love, in business, in life.

[permasmile]

Blender - Thanks so much for your post. It was so great to read and really touched home. It is full of all the rational thoughts I am having, and I am sure I will come back to read it whenever my mind starts wandering into the unhealthy thoughts associated with breakups.