6 months ago, she wrote this... and now I'm meeting her....

[photomo]

"...I do not deny you haven't made an effort to fix our relationship. I've got to admit you have put up with a lot and I feel bad every minute of the day for making you go through all of that. You know it wasn't my intention to break your heart and hurt you, because you mean a lot to me, you-ve been always so kind to me, and it was very painful to say all the things I said to you. I don't think I'm being weak - all the opposite actually - now is when I've been strong and made a decision. Even though you are going through a rough time now (so am I - dont think im having the time of my life, not at all) i went through a rough time for many years. I know i kept all these feelings and maybe I should have talked to my friends about it, but I didn't do it until March (2005 - this was when she broke up with me for the first time). However, you knew for a very long time that I wasn't happy. Maybe it wasn't just the way you didn't seem to care about us, but also that we had grown up and our personalities were different. For a long time I-ve not wanted to make love to you, just because I did not feel like it. And you-ve heard those words from me, and you didnt use to believe them, but it was the truth. There was no passion inside me, no attraction that made me want to make love to you. It was very hard for me to realise about that as I did not want to say it to you, i knew it-d hurt you, so that's why many times i'd say i was tired or had a headache - but in the end, I did tell you that I just didnt feel like it - and it was the truth. I know i could be that you didn't make me feel special during the day and that's why I didnt want to do it, but even on the few days that we were happy, it'd come night time and I'd have that fear inside me again and I'd not want to do anything... I know you-ve changed, but I honestly think that what I feel for you is simply "friendship" and I do not want this to be a reason for me to get back with you. I believe you-d make me happy, and we'd laugh together like friends do...but when it comes to intimate things, that's when the problem comes, and that proves that something is wrong...

 

I know you-ve changed, and you-d like me to give it another chance , but I thought we already gave it another chance in March! I believe you when you say you've changed...and I am sure you have, but we are not talking about personalities here...we're talking about having lost feeling for you...it's difficult to know what my heart tells me (i wish it could speak to me)...and that's why i find it difficult to know what my true feelings for you are....but i know, even though my heart wouldnt talk to me, the actions did...so all that time we were having bad times, my heart told me i didnt want to kiss/hug/make love....etc, because it just didnt feel right to me. I've spoken to people that have gone through the same - and they tell me it's just that love has gone and passion has gone...don't you think so?"

 

 

I was deleting old mail from my inbox when I came accross this mail, written 6 months ago. I'm meeting my ex on Thursday after almost 5 months of NC, so I thought I might as well read it, just to see how things have changed.

 

I read this mail many times in November...and haven't looked at it or thought about it since. It has been a reality shock to me - I guess I was building up hope over time, and now this mail has torn it all down...and now I feel like I shouldn't be seeing her on Thursday, as it was clear from the mail that she has no feelings for me...

 

Oh well, I'm not going to back out now. We broke NC once at a wedding 2 weeks ago, and that went alright - she initiated this meeting, so maybe she wants to see whether her feelings have changed....but I doubt it very much.

 

I guess I'm going to have to see her with no expectations and bear in mind all the great advice that I've been given on these forums....

 

At least I know there was never a problem with my feelings for her, and that's what makes me happy. One day I'll make someone happy, if it's not going to be her.

[DN]

Good luck - let us know how it goes. You are right to go in with no expectations.

[mikeca]

From your words you a strong person I can tell. You know what you must do and how you must act. Good luck, I hope everything turns out for the best.