What is the *real* way to keep a woman interested long-term

[TheLostBird]

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[Beyondthesea]

Sorry I'm not a man, but I had to jump in here.

 

The hot/cold game annoys me so badly I drop any man who plays it flat. Same with the 'i'm not interested until i'm interested' ploy. Honestly, I think that classifies as mind games.

 

How my bf keeps me interested is simple: he and I love each other. We are always there for one another, work through our differences without screaming and namecalling, plan little dates during hectic times, and he is spontaneous with little gifts and outings. (Nothing expensive, a book, etc).

 

If a woman has been treated poorly in previous relationships, a lot of time she doesn't know what love is so looks for the 'hot/cold' thing as she assumes that is love. That is why so many men think it's a good idea.

 

Just be yourself and if she's the one for you, she'll love you for being you.

[Dako]

So you're reading up on how to treat a woman. Cool, since there are tons of books, websites, forum members and other sources to offer advice on this subject. Some will have extensive theories to make love seem like an applied science with various secret methods.

 

Or you can just be yourself and decide to treat her the way you'd like to be treated, but make adjustments for her personal preferences. All women are different, and only you will be able to know her well enough.

[Demond34]

Be funny, do not control her, listen to her, pick her up when she needs to be picked up, don't be lazy, give her the last bite, stay cool when arguing, let her have her own life while you do the same, don't wait for her to say I love you, call her just because, make her feel loved, take your time in bed, appreciate her and all the little things but most of all make her feel SECURE about herself and the relationship.

[heloladies21]

This might or might not apply to you, but lots of nice guys have a hard time expressing when something a chick does bothers them. Like showing jealousy when it's warranted. Sometimes girls do things on purpose to make guys jealous and if the guy doesn't react, then the girl thinks he doesn't care about them and thereforeeee loses interest.

 

It's like the other side of showing that you care, the "dark side", but it's necessary or else all the flowers and cards and stuffed animals start to look fishy and unbelievable.

 

Wouldn't you think someone who's nice to you all the time is a big phoney?

[orgasmictofu]

I'm jumping on the Dako train on this one.

 

Be you. Always. And if a lady loves you for you, she'll stay around, nothing you have to change about yourself. Of course, you can adapt your actions to her (things like holding hands in public, or snuggling, or whatever, there should be some compromises), but do not change who you are fundamentally.

 

Mind games work for some, though I don't think it's right. But if they're not for you, don't try them. I don't play mind games. My ex was manipulative and I didn't realize it until I was out. After that, I can sense manipulation from a mile away. My boyfriend now is not like that and I love him for it. We enjoy eachother for what we are. No games needed.

 

The right lady for you will come around. Some just take longer than others.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Everywoman is different, but as one woman my experience has been that I don't like it for them to be "cold" as you described. If I like a guy, then I want him to like me and not ignore me...anyway, but you also can't be hanging on her all the time, being sort of superficial/sacriny-sweet all the time either. For instance, I wouldn't care that much if a guy was buying me roses all the time, stuff like that. I'm more concerned how he treats me and how we get along together....And I will stick around better with a guy who I feel I can count on through thick and thin, not a guy who seems to disappear every time the wind blows....Something that will turn me away very fast is a guy who is disloyal (not talking about sexually; that's a given).....

 

And here is a big one: DON'T take her for granted! Treat her special. I'll give you an example of what this means....I once had a boyfriend for maybe six months. He never really did anything BAD to me. Except that he totally took me for granted all the time. Finally, when I went to his college senior prom as his date, I was all fixed up and had a beautiful red formal gown on... and he never once even told me I looked nice or reacted in any way at all. And he never once asked to get our picture taken together (and he'd shown me all the pics of him and his previous dates....and they were just his friends at that...). The next day I dumped him, and I didn't miss him one bit.

 

Most women realize that it's not always romantic, heck a lot of us get sick of too much mushy crap. But on the other hand if you're treating her like some old hat that you've had laying around all your life, then most likely she will dump you.

[RayKay]

While there are things that will turn a woman off (ie clinginess/possesiveness, abuse, taking them for granted, dishonesty), there is not "game plan" to "keep a woman". We are fully autonomous beings too, whom have a choice whether to stay or go. And I can say someone being "cold" and a jerk does not have me sticking around. I look for a partner, not someone to "own me" or what have you.

 

Treat her with respect, love, compassion, and don't settle for less in return. If she loves you, and you be honourable and you are YOU, as in the man she fell for, and if you are compatible together and have healthy communication, then your chances are good it may develop and be healthy in the long term.

 

You can't force something that is not there, she has to feel it too.

[TheLostBird]

Ok, so the replies have been encouraging...but I still dont see an explanation for the usual case of a girl leaving a guy after a while, for no "apparent" reason. The reason might be apparent to some, but me (and many many other guys) are left in the dark with a lot of un-answered question.

 

Perhaps its just a fact that people essentially get bored, and just dont want to admit it...

 

TheLostBird

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well actually, I did give you a possible example of why a girl might leave due to no "apparant" reason.

[RayKay]

Ok, so the replies have been encouraging...but I still dont see an explanation for the usual case of a girl leaving a guy after a while, for no "apparent" reason. The reason might be apparent to some, but me (and many many other guys) are left in the dark with a lot of un-answered question.

 

Perhaps its just a fact that people essentially get bored, and just dont want to admit it...

 

TheLostBird

You mean like how sometimes men also leave women for "no reason" too? It goes both ways. There are a few times I have been "left in the dark" too, and I know I am not the only woman to have had it happen too!

 

Yes, sometimes it is because they get bored. Boired of relationship, bored of the routine, bored of how you are no longer whom you were when you met (ie gave up passions/hobbies). Sometimes they are just bored of themselves, and the relationship is one that takes the blame.

 

Sometimes it is because one of the partners stops listening, or putting effort in. They start taking the other for granted.

 

Sometimes it is because they have different goals, like about getting married and they don't want to wait around forever.

 

Sometimes it is because both partners have grown apart too much, they are just not the same people they were when they met.

 

Sometimes they have said many times something was bothering them...but the other didn't listen or work at it too.

 

Sometimes one feels like they are giving it everything, losing themself in the relationship and not getting enough in return.

 

Sometimes they just feel there is something else out there for them.

 

There are MANY reasons.

[Dako]

RayKay's got a good point. The reasons are endless.

 

Even if someone is enjoying the relationship, if the urge to end it is stronger, they should bail out.

[Daddy Bear]

Bird, every woman wants something a little different. good luck on trying to find a formula.

 

better yet, good luck on finding a girl who likes you for the way you are. that might be a little easier.

[Beyondthesea]

Ok, so the replies have been encouraging...but I still dont see an explanation for the usual case of a girl leaving a guy after a while, for no "apparent" reason. The reason might be apparent to some, but me (and many many other guys) are left in the dark with a lot of un-answered question.

 

Perhaps its just a fact that people essentially get bored, and just dont want to admit it...

 

TheLostBird

 

I've been left out in the cold too, where things were perfectly fine and suddenly the guy broke it off. Who knows why? Things just don't fit together correctly.

 

If it's meant to be, it will happen. If you aren't meant for one another, even the cosmos know but it seems the hardest thing to do is look within yourself and listen to your gut feeling that this 'isn't the one for me.'

 

If a girl doesn't love you and doesn't want to stay with you purely because of who you are, she isn't the one. Period.

[sir sirloin]

1. Never tell her you love her

2. Always have something in your life more important than she is

[Daddy Bear]

1. Never tell her you love her

reason number 7263 not to marry sir sirloin

[Dako]

Yeah, that's the kiss of death to a longterm relationship.

Don't ever let on that you even care. Chicks dig that indifference.

It gets them so hot for you.

[Beyondthesea]

Haha! Never tell them you love them? You aren't married or seeing someone are you sir sirloin?

 

Yeah, a man who shows no caring for me makes me so hot!

 

I know a girl right now who has a bf who hasn't said he loves her yet and it's been a year of dating. I would drop him so flat he'd turn into a pancake.

[sir sirloin]

1. Never tell her you love her

2. Always have something in your life more important than she is

Notice nobody disagreed with the advice in step 2.

 

Read carefully. And don't use your imagination to put in words that aren't there. I never said don't be affectionate. I never said don't show your appreciation. I just said never say the words. Words without the actions to back them up are hollow and hypocritical. Words backed up by actions are redundant, anticlimactic and self-serving.

 

The original question was how to keep a woman interested in the long term. The answer is if she is sure of herself with you she will become bored and look elsewhere. If she isn't then she will keep "trying" and most of all she will be thinking about you.

[RayKay]

Well, I'll pick a bone with both 1 & 2.

 

Well sure, they would work depending on what you are looking for.

 

Does not work for me though. You can still be interested, even when you hear the words I love you, AND you feel like a priority in their life.

 

But ultimately, to develop true love and partnership you have to open yourself up to them, and allow them to you, and not play such silly games. There is no reason not to have words AND action. Saying you love them, and showing you love them does not make them redundant - it strengthens the meaning and depth of both.

 

Love is as much choice, as action. If you choose to be bored, sure, you will be bored, but if you choose to love, and create together...then there is no reason to become that way. I can have many things in my life, I do have many passions, and hobbies, as does my partner, but we are each other's priority, and I hardly think putting my career or my hobby for example above them is going to be beneficial in the long term. They are a very integral part of my life, but they surely are not important than the person I choose to spend my life with. At the end of the day, on my deathbed, I certainly don't think I am going to be grateful for all the support and warmth my job provided me. And I certainly believe that you should let the people you love know it with words AND actions, because you never know how much time you have either.

 

For the record, one of the major reasons people become unhappy in relationships, or even start to stray - they do not feel appreciated and loved at home....they feel taken for granted. Guess what "always having something more important to do" and not saying you love them makes someone feel like?

[Daddy Bear]

how about this translation:

 

1. show her how much you love her, in non-verbal ways

 

2. keep your individuality, and let her keep hers

[melrich]

1. show her how much you love her, in non-verbal ways

 

Yep for sure. But you've got to also express it verbally. In a long term relationship most people need/like/want to hear their partner express their love for them from tiime to time. But definitely back it up with actions.

 

2. keep your individuality, and let her keep hers

 

Totally agree. This is not about having something "more important" than her/him it is about have something else. If you are "Ken" in the "Barbie and Ken" relationship then you are abbrogating your personality and identity to "the couple".

[RayKay]

Quote:

1. show her how much you love her, in non-verbal ways

 

 

Yep for sure. But you've got to also express it verbally. In a long term relationship most people need/like/want to hear their partner express their love for them from tiime to time. But definitely back it up with actions.

 

Quote:

2. keep your individuality, and let her keep hers

 

Totally agree. This is not about having something "more important" than her/him it is about have something else. If you are "Ken" in the "Barbie and Ken" relationship then you are abbrogating your personality and identity to "the couple".

 

Yup, I like those definitions (with melrich's additions) MUCH better!

 

 

[Frajhav]

This is easy to answer,to keep her intrested you dont have to do much actually,first you need to find someone who is intrested in you couse of who you are,that alone will keep her of corse treating her with respect and like something unique helps couse after all she is...just being yourself is the trick and so it never gets borring,allways try new stuff