Unsure of next step

[lostniki]

Where to begin without making this too long......

 

Husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 3, no kids between us. For a long time I thought I was happy. Then I started going through changes, my life started heading down a different path. Its hard to explain without going into all the details but let's leave it at I am a very spiritual person and he is not. Although he would never admit it or even see it within himself, he is very controlling. He really has no friends so it's like he has me, his job and our house. It puts a bit of pressure of me as you can imagine.

 

He tends to be an angry person as well. Not violent or abusive, nothing like that. Just a temper. I'm afraid to talk to him about money because it's such a stressor for him. He does not really like my friends and tends to make me feel bad (in a very passive aggressive way) when I do go out with them (almost never). I feel like I walk on eggshells much of the time.

 

I have talked to him over the last month, expressing my unhappiness. He does not really get it and I'm sure I'm not explaining it well. He just thinks he is doing something wrong because I am unhappy. I try t explainits really not him, it IS me, as cliche as that sounds.

 

I have never really been on my own (I'm 34) and I guess I'm feeling that itch. I want to figure out who I am, what I really want from life. Stop being the people pleaser that I am.

 

A week ago I felt ready to leave him. Just scared of hurting him. Its almost like it would be easier if there were some specific item (like abuse, affair, etc). Please understand, I am not saying those things are easy or good. Simply that its difficult to know what to do when there is no specific item or action to blame, other than me feeling restless and unhappy.

 

I do love him. But the passion is gone. I feel like he's more of a brother or a friend than my husband/lover.

 

I'm just lost at what to do next. Do I throw away 9 years together because I'm feeling this way? We have had happy times together, lots of fun. But things just feel different to me.

 

Any thoughts

or advice would be welcome.

Thx

[Skippy]

simply, you want to end the relationship because you want to explore your independence. Sounds to me like a mid life crisis.

Well you don't have kids. That;s a good thing.

but staying with someone because you have history is not a good reason

Finding someone in life to love and trust is hard.

i a sorry you are n a tough position .. wish i can help you

[bacci]

I would try counseling but if you really need time to sort things out ask him for a trial separation, say 6months to a year. If you use the time wisely you'll get the answers you're looking for. Don't despair and don't rush. You are soul searching part of the work needs to be done alone but that doesn't mean that your 'work' with your husband is over. Things are complex but you have to honor your needs and i'm sure if you come from a clear space he'll accept that's where you are right now. Tlak to him from your center , with honesty and love, this might be a healing experience for both of you. Good luck.

[angiec]

I can not believe what I have just read. You said exactly how I feel and what I am going through. I will be married for 10 years this year and have a 6 year old son. The problem with my Husband is he is extremely jealous. Envious of friends. I have such a beautiful home that I have worked so hard for, but they are just things...Deep down I am not happy. We are like roommates and i so not want to sleep with him nor do i find him attractive. He has gone so far as to checking my email account and goes through my cell phone looking for calls. Mind you there are no adultery issues. I have never cheated or given him a reason to behave this way. I am so over it. What have you finally decided to do? I think I am ready to make the break myself....

let me know. I am interested to hear how you are doing.